AIBU to feel short changed and resentful?

[SantaHatCat]

So originally we were going to my boyfriend’s parents’ for Christmas dinner. I was looking forward to this. Unfortunately they fell out with his brother and therefore made alternative plans (uninvited everyone) and decided to spend it on their own. I therefore hosted the big day at my house for myself, boyfriend and my ds. Just the 3 of us. My boyfriend and myself do not live together and he earns a substantial amount more money than me. We used to earn the exact same but I have recently started a new job. As it was decided we’d have Christmas dinner at my house, I went out and bought all the food and alcohol to see us through Christmas and to the new year. I didn’t go mad, I spent about £100. My problem is that I have had no offer of money towards this and when I asked, he didn’t say or do anything. As it has bugged me since I raised it again yesterday as he said he didn’t want it to become about a whataboutery. In my mind I only think it’s fair we split the cost of this food as not only did I pay for everything, I’m the one who spent Christmas in the kitchen. Originally had plans not changed, his parents were hosting and I would have taken a token gift with me as I never go anywhere empty handed. My bf knows I am short of money. My ds has just finished college and starting working, his first pay cheque is due in January. On top of this and I don’t want to sound petty, my ds’s gf came round to my house in the evening. I had bought chocolates (as well as other gifts) for everyone and when we each opened our chocolates, we offered them around to each other. I brought my son up to do this. We all did this accept my bf. He took chocolates from each of us, but did not even open his. His chocolates were the most expensive out of them all, and the biggest box.

AIBU to feel disappointed and resentful?

It’s not a terribly important point, but what was your 23-year old son originally going to do for Christmas Day? When the plan changed, did he contribute nothing?

Though this relationship (not to mention his volatile family background) sounds very ill-suited in general anyway, it’s nevertheless possible that just as you had been invited to his family dinner, so was he to yours as far as he was concerned, ergo no need for shouldering part of the expense as you'd have been cooking it all anyway. (NB, that’s just how I’m imagining train of thought went)
Have you ever inspected his cooker, by the way, or might that barking mad revelation about the absent shelves have been made up on the spot?

In the evening, all that chocolate scoffing is a mere nothing, and his retaining his own box for future enjoyment isn’t too strange at all since they were a gift. (Otherwise you have four people each eating a whole box of chocs each, anyway!)

About the mattress. Whatever about his saying off the cuff that he’d give you half the cost of it, ultimately it is nowt to do with him any more than your roof or back door would be, so it wasn’t worth chewing your nails over.
He obviously makes rash promises about expenditure, maybe just for something to say. But it clearly isn't a habit you can abide, so take note there.

There are so many jagged edges between you, I’d just give it up as a bad job myself. Too much anxiety and resentment already, and you don’t even live together. You just don’t really fit together.
The differences here in temperament are fundamental, and will become ever more pronounced and irreconcilable between you.

Forget about a contribution for lunch as I think that is muddying the issue and making things feel more transactional than necessary

Tell him you're struggling financially because of the sudden change in plans and ask how he can help.

See how he responds and be prepared to LTB

He sounds horrible. Forget about the money and tell him to leave.
He's shown you how little he thinks of you, listen.

I was wondering too, and after OP’s last update I’d say she’d definitely not get any joy if she pressed the boyfriend for a cash contribution.
If he’s such a big earner, with a difficult attitude to money as OP very well knows, that conversation could be extremely regrettable.

I said a few minutes ago, I reckon it’s time for them to admit defeat and bin the whole liaison, which seems to have no basis in compatibility.

I do not want my ds to vape in the house. I have asked him on multiple occasions over the last couple of months to stop as it’s bad for his health. He is a typical teenager but as I had started a new job my ficus was elsewhere so I didn’t ’police’ it. My bf stopped coming to my house as it made his eyes sting. I then put it to my ds he wouldn’t come back unless the vapes went in a box. He failed to do this and then my bf said that if I cared enough about him I’d have sorted it. He then had a word and explained to my ds this is why he hasn’t been coming to our house. My ds sorted out the vapes but had been complaining to me that my bf is bring OTT. I explained I don’t want them in the house either and can he just respect my rules as I would like a quiet life. My bf also has an issue with our pets. Particularly our cat that I now put in the conservatory when preparing food as although he doesn’t jump up he feels better he’s away from food while I’m cooking.

Why should he have gone 50/50 when your grown up son is there. You’ve not asked your son for a contribution

If I’m invited to do wives house I don’t expect them to ask me for money. I’d likely take chocolates or wine or something

I have a lot of sympathy and had my own teenage vaper issues. I don't think your bf is being heavy handed in this case but I do think it's between you and your son. Otherwise it could feel all about the boyfriend in your son's eyes and it could become a wedge issue between you and your son, rather than your son respecting that it's an important thing to you.

Oh, the lad is a teenager? Gawd knows where I got the idea he’s 23. Tell him the cost of his boxes of vapes could have bought you all a decent turkey.
What was he going to do on Christmas Day when you were with your boyfriend’s family?

(And your cat should tell you to get a grip and see where your real loyalty and affections should lie! Locking her away when that man is over, FFS)

I’ve read all your posts OP - your bf sounds like a small minded, nitpicking fun sponge.

One thing that jumped out at me. You say you were off work for 6 months & had health issues. At this time he ‘cut his cloth’ to match yours, & managed to save some money.

Everything with him is transactional. If he really cared about you & was a generous soul (in every way, not just money) he’d have stepped up in your hour of need.

I’m not saying he should have paid your bills etc, but in the short term he could have said let’s get a takeaway, I’m paying. Or popped to the shops for a few things he knew you needed, or paid for the odd meal out.

Nobody has to do these things, and nobody should expect it. But, if you truly love & care about somebody you want to do these things.

Get rid before NYE and you can spend 2026 walking around your home without having to avoid the eggshells. I’m sorry but he sounds horrible.

Just reading a few up dates, you feel like your on eggshells in your own home, he’s heavy handed with your DS, you have to lock your pet in a conservatory. Added to the original lack of care and consideration over Christmas, what does he actually bring to your relationship?!

Why would you sweep it under the carpet? Genuinely asking, as I don’t get what that would achieve.

This.

He's shown you who he is.

This idiot is making a lot of demands on you. The whataboutery was a way to make you shut up and that worked. If you don't want this forever then leave now. He won't change. He has no reason to.

The chocolate thing- very weird.

It sounds like he doesn’t see you as a “team”; ideally once his parents rescinded their offer you should have done something together about making alternative plans. As it is it all fell on you, and to make it worse he dismisses your feelings and doesn’t really answer your concerns. I think he isn’t worth your time op, get shut.

More fool you hosting if you didn’t want to pay.

@LadyBlakeneysHanky On Chocolate-Gate, you're spot-on (and on all his other ickery) it's right stingy keeping his box to take home and tucking into everyone else's. Who does that! Seriously, is he so hard up he won't break into his box.

that's seriously stingy-worthy.

no matter how people try to dress this one up, this man squeaks when he walks,

get rid OP you deserve a lot better.

If someone said "whataboutery" to me, I'd have to say what the hell are you on about? What even is that? Totally weird.

I get it - you’re short of cash and then spent for Xmas. You didn’t budget for it and had expected Xmas elsewhere. You stepped in last minute for you your bf and son. Forget about the presents - they are gifts and the receiver does what they want with them. I think the thing here is partnership working - you are it seems now skint. If you share with your bf that you are skint as a result can the two of you discuss this. See here that leads - open it less as accusatory more of an open discussion. What I do find is there are costs and spend over Xmas that both partners pay for and when add it all up, often costs balance themselves out. But have that chat. Good luck.

My ds is 18 not 23 and he was invited to the bf’s parents house too as they are us ‘as family’. The fallout with his brother resulted in no one going on Christmas Day. My da’s gf spent it at her house with her family. My ds was invited there but I said it was important he come with me to my bf’s parents as good for my ds to socialise and us all to get to know each other. Obviously plans changed and I still wanted to spend the day with my ds as I always have.

It would be absolute madness to ignore this.

You have to start as you lean to go along. He's taken advantage of you. Either address it and he changes or you need to dump him.

Op I think you need to look at this from the bigger picture. Look at his parents, they had a fallout and simply cancelled on everyone. Normal, sane and rational people don’t do that.
They didn’t care that they had guests coming, clearly they are a difficult family.

A normal person would also feel bad on behalf of the parents and offered to more than accommodate the change. Contributing to the food was the very bare minimum he should have done given all of this came from his family. He did nothing and look at his attitude now? Now you see the bigger picture here, the type of people his parents are and who he is and do you even want someone like this? To be apart of a family like that?

Neither. Just ditch him.

Why not spend more time at his? Would he cook you dinner there (or at least get a takeaway considering the oven doesn't work). Also the mattress situation wouldn't be an issue (assuming his is better than yours).
If he doesn't want you round or doesn't make you comfortable at his then I would see it as him using you.

Yeah; I corrected that misapprehension in a previous response to you.
Bet that boy was peeved enough as it was, being required to refuse his gf’s Xmas dinner invitation only to find his mum’s difficult bloke had an even odder family. What a letdown.

I repeat what I’ve said earlier: this scene is way too testing, demanding, anxiety-inducing etc etc to be a good investment of your hopes and expectations.
You'll make yourself a good deal sicker if you try to force things to form the shape of a happy and fulfilling ‘family’ relationship though you both run on very different operating systems.

Even if your own happiness weren't important, there is your teenaged son, and more important, there is your poor cat to consider!

Why submit yourself to more of this fretting about the man’s whys and wherefores, when what you need, if you need anyone, is a mature, self-sufficient and grounded man (free of parental influence), not an oddbod whose principal contribution to your joy in life is additional worries.

Zackly.

Now you've confirmed your son had his Christmas Day utterly buggered up too by the push-pull invitation by that family, the least the boyfriend ought to have done was make it up to him, even he couldn't exert himself just for the lad’s mother.
Pub lunch on Boxing Day, for example. If we are swallowing the bilge about effing oven shelves, that is. (Bet he has an air fryer and MW, which would have be grand!)

Bin the lot of them and don’t look back, certainly not looking for a few quid you feel owed. Write the whole experience off, and look ahead.