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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel short changed and resentful?

216 replies

SantaHatCat · 29/12/2025 07:45

So originally we were going to my boyfriend’s parents’ for Christmas dinner. I was looking forward to this. Unfortunately they fell out with his brother and therefore made alternative plans (uninvited everyone) and decided to spend it on their own. I therefore hosted the big day at my house for myself, boyfriend and my ds. Just the 3 of us. My boyfriend and myself do not live together and he earns a substantial amount more money than me. We used to earn the exact same but I have recently started a new job. As it was decided we’d have Christmas dinner at my house, I went out and bought all the food and alcohol to see us through Christmas and to the new year. I didn’t go mad, I spent about £100. My problem is that I have had no offer of money towards this and when I asked, he didn’t say or do anything. As it has bugged me since I raised it again yesterday as he said he didn’t want it to become about a whataboutery. In my mind I only think it’s fair we split the cost of this food as not only did I pay for everything, I’m the one who spent Christmas in the kitchen. Originally had plans not changed, his parents were hosting and I would have taken a token gift with me as I never go anywhere empty handed. My bf knows I am short of money. My ds has just finished college and starting working, his first pay cheque is due in January. On top of this and I don’t want to sound petty, my ds’s gf came round to my house in the evening. I had bought chocolates (as well as other gifts) for everyone and when we each opened our chocolates, we offered them around to each other. I brought my son up to do this. We all did this accept my bf. He took chocolates from each of us, but did not even open his. His chocolates were the most expensive out of them all, and the biggest box.

AIBU to feel disappointed and resentful?

OP posts:
Original poster
SantaHatCat · 29/12/2025 08:27

We have always gone 50/50 as I have always wanted to be seen as independent and am not a freeloader.

I lost my last job (after a 6 month period of sicknessI) and have found this financially difficult. I supported myself while not working and have been completely honest about my financial struggles and medical conditions with my bf. As a result of my financial constraints we have done less and not gone out as much. He has cut his cloth to match mine which is resulting in him being able to save more money.

he talks about the future and him having big plans for us and that I won’t need to worry about money. He has said this a few times.

Last September I got a new mattress which he said he’d pay half towards but never has. I’m worried he says things but doesn’t follow through. I reminded him what he’d said about the mattress (over a year ago) and his response was - had I asked my cat to contribute?

I’ve been very generous but now I have to watch every penny.

We went for a long walk the other day and he bought me a hot chocolate and said it was a treat. It was very nice but I have to be honest it grated on me as obviously I’d bought all the food and the last time we’d had hot chocolates there, I paid so it was more like ‘his round’.

I asked him to bring wine (to have with the Christmas dinner) and some lemons if passing a shop as I forgotten them.

OP posts:
kiwiane · 29/12/2025 08:27

The chocolates don’t matter - it’s weird to expect every box to be opened and shared.
However you need the money for food as you’re struggling - if he won’t pay then ask him to leave so your shopping lasts longer.

Squirrelchops1 · 29/12/2025 08:29

The non contributing aside, the fact he has an oven with no shelves is another example of just feckless behaviour. Why cant he just sort it out...it isn't hard to Google oven type and just order replacements. He sounds unmotivated and with poor manners.

Mrsknowitall · 29/12/2025 08:30

Had you or your partner offered to contribute towards the cost of food and drink when you thought you was going to his parents?

Makemeanonymous · 29/12/2025 08:33

Just read your update OP.

You deserve much better than this tight fisted mean man.

Meadowfinch · 29/12/2025 08:36

SantaHatCat · 29/12/2025 08:02

This is my point. I stepped in as his parents changed their plans which was not my fault and mainly as my ds still lives at home. My ds was invited to his parents house too.

Yes I am starting to get the ick as I am a generous person (hence me suggesting having Christmas at mine) but I feel like I am now being taken advantage of.

Show quote history

You are right to feel resentful, op.

Anyone who refuses to contribute when you did all the work, and you have specifically asked because you are struggling financially, is not worth your friendship.

The fact he didn't offer to provide a starter, wine or dessert, from the very beginning says it all.

Meanness is so unattractive. He is displaying freeloading tendancies. Don't waste any more time on him.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 29/12/2025 08:39

Squirrelchops1 · 29/12/2025 08:29

The non contributing aside, the fact he has an oven with no shelves is another example of just feckless behaviour. Why cant he just sort it out...it isn't hard to Google oven type and just order replacements. He sounds unmotivated and with poor manners.

Edited

This is what stood out to me. It gives quite the overall impression of a thoughtless manchild.

TheOccupier · 29/12/2025 08:40

LTB!

HarryVanderspeigle · 29/12/2025 08:40

It sounds like this is about more than Christmas. On the face of it, you are being unreasonable, as you wouldn't have payed his parents and why would he share round chocolate when there were already 2 open boxes. You also didn't say to him upfront that you needed money. But your updates paint a picture that this is not a one off.

You need to stop considering yourself as a generous person if you can no longer afford it. Make sure you aren't paying for him, or anyone else, when they can pay for themselves.

Moonnstarz · 29/12/2025 08:43

I agree that he sounds quite passive. If you want this relationship to continue I think you need to be more direct. Too late now, but if hosting again say I am happy to host but we need to split the costs, or I will buy the turkey but can you provide the alcohol (and then name what you want as it sounds like he would turn up with a cheap bottle and think job done).

I don't understand the chocolate rule though. Yes it is nice to share if you are opening them, but it seems a bit strange for everyone to do this at the same time. Yes if one person opened theirs then I agree manners would say it's kind to hand them around. I wouldn't expect everyone to then open their box to do the same.

Ponoka7 · 29/12/2025 08:44

What are you doing for New Year? If getting a takeaway, you tell him, it's on him because you sorted Christmas. If he won't, then end it. He sees you as a temporary GF, or you would have got the contribution to a new mattress.

IllMetByMoonlight · 29/12/2025 08:46

This thread is revelatory. It's a bit like we're looking at that picture of the blue and black dress; are we reading the same thing?

OP is short of money following a recent change of employment. OP offered to host after her BF's parents pulled out. How grown up and sensible of her.

Many of us would have a hard time finding a spare £100 at short notice, @hattie43 -this isn't necessarily due to financial mismanagement, and neither should it preclude someone from making a generous gesture. Her only mistake was to think that her BF would, in the spirit of the season, offer a contribution toward the cost. This is not 'transactional'; way to stinge-shame a woman who is only seeking to establish a financial even keel. "Love keeps no score..." and "If you really loved him..." are two red-flag phrases which I would hope my DDs never fall for, @LancashireButterPie .

Busybeemumm · 29/12/2025 08:49

I don't think this is necessary about the food bill but representative of much larger issues around finances and fairness in your relationship overall. I would wonder if you are both on the same page about your future and where it's all going.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 29/12/2025 08:51

He is a greedy man. He should have offered to pay towards dinner when you offered to make it.
even worse now that you have asked him to contribute and he hasn’t.
Huge turn off.

NearlyMonday · 29/12/2025 08:52

Money aside, the shelf-less oven would be a deal breaker for me

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 29/12/2025 08:54

He is tight. He will
Always be tight.

If you marry or cohabit he will
End up watching what you spend

Accept or dump.

SoScarletItWas · 29/12/2025 08:56

IllMetByMoonlight · 29/12/2025 08:46

This thread is revelatory. It's a bit like we're looking at that picture of the blue and black dress; are we reading the same thing?

OP is short of money following a recent change of employment. OP offered to host after her BF's parents pulled out. How grown up and sensible of her.

Many of us would have a hard time finding a spare £100 at short notice, @hattie43 -this isn't necessarily due to financial mismanagement, and neither should it preclude someone from making a generous gesture. Her only mistake was to think that her BF would, in the spirit of the season, offer a contribution toward the cost. This is not 'transactional'; way to stinge-shame a woman who is only seeking to establish a financial even keel. "Love keeps no score..." and "If you really loved him..." are two red-flag phrases which I would hope my DDs never fall for, @LancashireButterPie .

Agree.

In fact, the more I think about this, the odder it sounds. If we’d been in the position of the planned hosts cancelling last minute, we’d have gone together to the nearest supermarket to brave the crowds and made it a joint job, probably a bit excited about our first Christmas dinner cooked together, and enjoyed picking our favourite bits.

It would have been an occasion whereas this sounds like an obligation.

And before the ‘love isn’t transactional’ posters come at me for being idealistic and skipping through Sainsbury’s hand-in-hand, raise your bar.

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 29/12/2025 08:57

THisbackwithavengeance · 29/12/2025 07:52

I’m a believer that if you host, you pay. If you don’t want to pay, then don’t host. I would hate to be invited for a meal and then put under pressure to pay an arbitrary sum that the host decided was my share without any prior consultation.

If your boyfriend is otherwise a mean man, then only you can decide whether he’s the one for you.

OP didn't really have much choice but to offer, did she, given the circumstances she was left in at virtually no notice? If my parents had done something like that I would have been fairly mortified and I certainly wouldn't expect a boyfriend/partner to take over all the work and expense with no contribution.

TreadLightly3 · 29/12/2025 08:57

Newnamehiwhodis · 29/12/2025 07:56

Ugh I cannot stand a stingy man. This is very thoughtless behavior on his part. I’d have to have my antennae up to see if this sort of thing continued… but I was with a stingy, freeloading man for a few years and I’ll never allow that again.

yeah, it’s a red flag OP. and just so unattractive

This! Get rid now

Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 29/12/2025 08:58

when I asked, he didn’t say or do anything. As it has bugged me since I raised it again yesterday as he said he didn’t want it to become about a whataboutery.

I’m having genuine difficulty understanding how these conversations went. Could you explain, please? The idea of you directly asking someone to chip in and then just ignoring you - to your face - or refusing (for a reason that makes no sense) is fascinating to me. As that is simply not how people generally behave.

And when he’s doing/saying these things, you just sit there?

manicpixieschemegirl · 29/12/2025 08:58

Oh God is there anything worse than a stingy man? He’s an absolute miser, and thoughtless to boot! I couldn’t be with someone like this. Any decent partner would contribute anyway never mind last minute change of plans and financial hardship. And it’s not about keeping tabs on the chocolates, it would’ve been very obvious if one greedy, grabby person took one of everyone else’s and didn’t even open theirs. It’s embarrassing.

Also, why does he have no shelves in his oven? Is he the type that has a single chair and a TV in the living room? He sounds like a manchild. Get rid, OP. You deserve better!

Heronwatcher · 29/12/2025 08:59

I think it’s difficult to say without knowing his side. When he talked about “whataboutery” does he mean that he pays for lots of small things which mount up? Or that he’s started to detect an attitude that since he now earns more he’s expected to subsidise you and your DS?

One thing for sure though, you cannot depend on this person for financial support of any kind so you need rock solid finances in your own right. Why are you now earning a lot less?

I think if I’d been asked to host at the last minute I’d either have done it much more cheaply (think a £8 roast chicken and a few bags of veg), or declined and just said let’s do our own thing. Or said, “Ok let’s do it at mine, but you bring booze and meat, I’ll get everything else in.”

GAJLY · 29/12/2025 08:59

The chocolates thing is weird. I wouldn’t have opened mine until I got home and actually wanted them. That reminds me of being poor (during childhood) and sharing them because we didn’t have much food. Therefore we were all excited to see a box of chocolates. Your partner is tight and has taken advantage of you. You have to stop allowing it to happen.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 29/12/2025 09:00

NearlyMonday · 29/12/2025 08:52

Money aside, the shelf-less oven would be a deal breaker for me

I once went on a date with someone who picked me up in his car. We had a lovely date but his care was a disgrace. It put me right off him as I just saw it as him not doing basic adult tasks.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 29/12/2025 09:02

Heronwatcher · 29/12/2025 08:59

I think it’s difficult to say without knowing his side. When he talked about “whataboutery” does he mean that he pays for lots of small things which mount up? Or that he’s started to detect an attitude that since he now earns more he’s expected to subsidise you and your DS?

One thing for sure though, you cannot depend on this person for financial support of any kind so you need rock solid finances in your own right. Why are you now earning a lot less?

I think if I’d been asked to host at the last minute I’d either have done it much more cheaply (think a £8 roast chicken and a few bags of veg), or declined and just said let’s do our own thing. Or said, “Ok let’s do it at mine, but you bring booze and meat, I’ll get everything else in.”

I agree with this. But then if you have to give him a list of basic manners, and he is generally tight, maybe just throw him back.