AIBU to feel short changed and resentful?

[SantaHatCat]

So originally we were going to my boyfriend’s parents’ for Christmas dinner. I was looking forward to this. Unfortunately they fell out with his brother and therefore made alternative plans (uninvited everyone) and decided to spend it on their own. I therefore hosted the big day at my house for myself, boyfriend and my ds. Just the 3 of us. My boyfriend and myself do not live together and he earns a substantial amount more money than me. We used to earn the exact same but I have recently started a new job. As it was decided we’d have Christmas dinner at my house, I went out and bought all the food and alcohol to see us through Christmas and to the new year. I didn’t go mad, I spent about £100. My problem is that I have had no offer of money towards this and when I asked, he didn’t say or do anything. As it has bugged me since I raised it again yesterday as he said he didn’t want it to become about a whataboutery. In my mind I only think it’s fair we split the cost of this food as not only did I pay for everything, I’m the one who spent Christmas in the kitchen. Originally had plans not changed, his parents were hosting and I would have taken a token gift with me as I never go anywhere empty handed. My bf knows I am short of money. My ds has just finished college and starting working, his first pay cheque is due in January. On top of this and I don’t want to sound petty, my ds’s gf came round to my house in the evening. I had bought chocolates (as well as other gifts) for everyone and when we each opened our chocolates, we offered them around to each other. I brought my son up to do this. We all did this accept my bf. He took chocolates from each of us, but did not even open his. His chocolates were the most expensive out of them all, and the biggest box.

AIBU to feel disappointed and resentful?

Yes, I really think it would have had more impact if you had let the little stuff go and focussed on the main issue.

Which was you are short of money because of the extra expenditure of the meal and he hasn't helped.
No man that I know would have insisted on seeing a receipt and dividing it down the middle to the exact sprout! That's just awful in my opinion too. But again focuses on paying what he 'owes' and no more, rather than on not wanting to see you struggle.

Throwing in small things like chocolates just keeps a dynamic going that is very transactional and confuses the really important issues.

It is hard work! Why do you want to be in a relationship with him?

I understand the comments on the chocolate and how I have behaved since Christmas Day in that it sounds petty and confusing compared to everything else. What I was trying to communicate, and what I explained to my bf was, that on Christmas Day everyone opened their chocolates and we all had different types. My bf wanted to watch me and my ds open our presents first. I had opened some milk tray from my bf and offered them round. Everyone took one. He was eating my selection box. I suggested he open his presents (as I knew I had bought him chocolates and then obviously he could eat some of those). He declined (obviously not knowing I had bought him chocolate) and said no keep opening your presents I’ll wait and he kept eating my selection box. I did start to get annoyed by this as at this point he had eaten 3 full chocolate bars from it and it only had 6 in it. My ds then opened his chocolates and shared them of which me and my bf took one and then once my ds and myself started opening his presents when he unwrapped his chocolates he took the lid off but said the cellophane was difficult to unopen, said he’d open them later but then didn’t and took them home. I just felt that my chocolates were for sharing and his for himself so then when I went to his and he offered me one, I did not want to be greedy and took one. He offered me another but I declined. We are clearly different on this… like what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is my own. I agree my comment in telling him he couldn’t have a chocolate before dinner sounded childish and childlike but I felt I needed to protect what I have left! I pushed the boat out and bought him the Hotel Chocolat Christmas Classic Sleekster with 28 chocolates because he loves chocolate and had been watching the TV programme inside the factory. It wasn’t just about him not sharing his chocolate, it was also that I didn’t get to see a look of delight on his face when he uncovered them. That happened at his place.

You are definitely overthinking this. You offered him your chocolates and he accepted. Once he reached for another bar, you could have said hold on a minute these are mine! I also wouldn't go round offering something like this, I was expecting you to be sharing a box of chocs, not full size bars. Perhaps he assumed you didn't want them all hence sharing a limited selection.
Also if you wanted him to open his present properly then use your words. You haven't opened your present from me. Did you see what I have given you?

It sounds like communication is a big issue for both of you.

Nor me. It’s exhausting just reading about it.

I’m starting to wonder as I don’t see we’re on the same page. I just fell exhausted and am monitoring how he is with money now. He seems to bring more anxiety that chivalry and I hate to admit that’s really upset me. The chips have been down and I feel more down now through all what’s happened.

But a lot of your examples are your expectations he should be paying for you. He may have stupidly mentioned paying half towards your mattress but why would you think he was going to do that as he doesn't live with you and has his own house to fund (or not as the case may be with the lack of oven shelves).

A lot of your issues seem to relate to poor communication (in terms of hosting and sharing) and money. I wonder if you are obsessing over the money more at the moment due to your decrease in earnings, and he has also noticed this as suddenly you are wanting more. Maybe in a past relationship women have been quite grabby, so he is now more wary about you doing the same.

If he does that in front of you think what he could do when you're out of the room..he is mean spirited and tight.my last husband was like this.happy to go anywhere ,do anything as long as i paid.just one example ,he made a promise to go halves on a new bed.2 years later I was still asking weekly for his share.i loved him( some weird emotional dependancy) but it was just too exhausting.luckily my sensible head kicked in and I got rid.

You need to stop talking about the chocolates. It makes you and the whole situation sound petty and silly, and you’re neither.

Don’t mention the chocolates again. Focus on the big stuff. Which is that this is a ridiculously selfish man.

I think you've collected enough evidence now, both big and small that he is miserly.

The small things do matter though. He wants to eat other people's chocolates whilst safeguarding his own.

That is an indicator of who he is as a person.

If it helps OP to see how selfish he is, she absolutely should tall about the chocolates.

Honestly your relationship seems so transactional. Counting everything you both spend. The way you react to the chocolates is so petty. Refusing him a chocolate like a naughty child. And refusing a choc he offered because you had bought them for him. I can't see this relationship lasting frankly. You both seem petty.
But I agree he should have contributed to xmas although your son was there.
I would not like the way he feels about your pets. I don't think you are right for each other .

Get rid of him OP, you're obviously not on the same wave length when it comes to money, and sharing, etc., this will only get worse as the relationship becomes more established. He happily paid half of Christmas last year, as he was still trying to make a good impression, but he's beginning to show you who he really is, and it's not the man that you were hoping. Ditch him, and find someone more on your wavelength.

Either - end things as it doesn't sound fun, or leave it now, but the next time he does something stingy, make sure he doesn't get away with it. So tell him "it's your round, I'll have a pint of cider please" or "I'll buy the food for main course, you buy dessert and drinks" or "its your turn to host" or "thats my selection box, not yours! Have a piece of toast if you're so hungry".

Re: your pets... I wouldn't like animals on worktops, or chairs or sofas or beds. Nor would I like to be inside with someone vaping. BUT it's your home!!! Not mine, so I dont get to have a say in what goes on in it. Same forbthe bf.

I can’t imagine policing chocolates like this, BUT I agree with others that I don’t like the sound of him controlling your DS and your pets. If he doesn’t like the way you and your ds act in your own house, maybe you’re not compatible.

I also can’t imagine telling my partner that food shopping cost a hundred pounds and them asking me to send the receipt. All the pettiness over who paid for what is so draining and doesn’t sound like it’s going to get any better.

Sounds like he’s been trying to impress you by offering to pay halves for everything but never actually following through unless you nag him and remind him several times.

Red flags here.

@SantaHatCat

Yeah, this is where my thoughts are going too, I’ll be honest.

Well done on the recent conversations, pulling him up on his behaviour and words not tallying.

It sounds exhausting. He sounds mean.

I expect you’ll be keeping a close eye on his words vs actions, and in a few months time, you’ll probably decide to sack him off….