AIBU to feel short changed and resentful?

[SantaHatCat]

So originally we were going to my boyfriend’s parents’ for Christmas dinner. I was looking forward to this. Unfortunately they fell out with his brother and therefore made alternative plans (uninvited everyone) and decided to spend it on their own. I therefore hosted the big day at my house for myself, boyfriend and my ds. Just the 3 of us. My boyfriend and myself do not live together and he earns a substantial amount more money than me. We used to earn the exact same but I have recently started a new job. As it was decided we’d have Christmas dinner at my house, I went out and bought all the food and alcohol to see us through Christmas and to the new year. I didn’t go mad, I spent about £100. My problem is that I have had no offer of money towards this and when I asked, he didn’t say or do anything. As it has bugged me since I raised it again yesterday as he said he didn’t want it to become about a whataboutery. In my mind I only think it’s fair we split the cost of this food as not only did I pay for everything, I’m the one who spent Christmas in the kitchen. Originally had plans not changed, his parents were hosting and I would have taken a token gift with me as I never go anywhere empty handed. My bf knows I am short of money. My ds has just finished college and starting working, his first pay cheque is due in January. On top of this and I don’t want to sound petty, my ds’s gf came round to my house in the evening. I had bought chocolates (as well as other gifts) for everyone and when we each opened our chocolates, we offered them around to each other. I brought my son up to do this. We all did this accept my bf. He took chocolates from each of us, but did not even open his. His chocolates were the most expensive out of them all, and the biggest box.

AIBU to feel disappointed and resentful?

OP much as I think your bf sounds a bit stingy I do think you're being incredibly petty.
If your bf's parents had hosted as planned, they wouldn't have asked either you or your son to contribute towards the meal and/or alcohol.
Yes, you say you'd have brought them a small token gift, but that's not the same as paying towards the meal/drinks.
I do believe that if you offer to host,that's yourchoice to do so, and you certainly shouldn't be asking anyone for a donation after the event.
As for the chocolates...your choice to buy them, your choice to share them, your bf chose not to.

I think a few things have gone wrong here.

Firstly when you suggested hosting you could have posed the idea of hosting but said financially you would struggle to cover all costs but would he get the drinks and you get the food - so you are clear on contributions in the planning stage. Then if he was to decide no he doesnt want to cover any costs you discuss it and maybe you change the plans to host accordingly. So you needed to be clearer at the outset really.

I think probably when you offered to host he assumed you were hosting the full works. Thats normal. Guests only normally offer token contributions or bring a bottle of wine or a plant or flowers etc. I think you thought you were hosting as a couple but he didnt get this and you didnt express this. I think to host the whole thing without agreeing you are hosting as a couple and then ask retrospectively for costs to be covered is likely to be considered as unreasonable by others.

I have had a friend who hosted but organised a chef and asked in advance for a contribution to the meal (I think it was £20 each). Unusual but she was clear from the outset giving folk the chance to agree or decline.

Yes monitoring the chocolates being shared does seem petty - I guess as you were irked by the other things this just added to it. But because your family and upbringing is to share and offer doesn't mean that this is how everyone is. It was the choice of others to share and the choice of him to not share.

I would just chalk this up to experience, and future be clearer about expectations in advance. Maybe get your BF to pay for a date night out and explain you are broke. Life has a way of balancing out.

Opt out of the bill sharing and sit on your drink you bought.

He’s stingey AND has no shelves in his oven. Does he have sheets on his bed? Is he one of those?

Don't offer to host if you can't afford it. Your penny-pinching over a meagre sum of money and the number of chocolates your guests ate shows that you either cannot afford it or you are incredibly stingy.

@SantaHatCat

An excellent post indeed! The cat comment when you chased him up on the mattress payment promise says ALOT!

I think BF is heading for the bin…. You can’t unsee what you now see, and now you see his bullshit, you’ll see more of it.

You deserve better, OP.

Just another typical man who thinks Christmas is all the woman’s responsibility, I would leave it for now but keep it in your back pocket and watch how he behaves moving forward. As Christmas approaches next year mention to him that if you end up hosting again you will expect him to contribute or he can F off.

He should have offered to contribute either money or food to Christmas dinner, but clearly isn’t going to.

He seems to have a lot of opinions about how things should work in your home - was it him that wanted the new mattress?

You could try suggesting that as you paid for Christmas dinner, it’s his turn to pay for both of you for the New Year dinner and see what he says. If the answer is no, as I suspect it will be, take cash to cover your share and explain at the start that you’re unexpectedly on a very tight budget so can only pay for your own.

I wouldn’t expect everyone to share gift chocolates- we’d buy household chocolates to share.

Lots of red flags with this man- the one that would bother me most is that he seems to have grudges against your son and your cat.

As several other posters have mentioned: there are lots of red flags here. You seem a little too trusting, OP. Seems like the charm offensive and love-bombing phase is well and truly over and the various moves into gaslighting towards coercive control have begun. Watch out. The cat / mattress comment was very revealing. I'd be thinking about disentangling yourself from this man.

Why are you so obsessed with how many Xmas chocolates each person ate? You're coming off really tight on that front. It seems your bf is even tighter though.

Can't you just go to a shop and buy as much chocolate as you want for yourself?

It's a shame he didn't want to pay halves. But really it shouldn't been discussed before you did so. Or you should've wrote a list of half the food and told him to get it. If it was going to lead to resentment.

Having said that if I was him and you asked for the money afterwards I'd just pay you. Assuming you wouldn't accept him buying you a meal out of a similar value at some point soon as recompense.

The fact he didn’t offer to do the shop with you and pay OR given you a really nice present in lieu of cash OR taken you out for a lovely meal shows he is a tight thoughtless man and I’d be rethinking this relationship it sounds like hard work and I’d be asking more what about ery questions

also the fall out with the parents is a red flag I’d be concerned about how they function as a family and on going drama

Anyone having an issue with my pets would be enough for me to end it.heard too many times of cruelty once thd boyfriend has moved in.

Yes he should have contributed and not offering chocs is rude. I'd dump him as his behaviour will continue in this vein!

If there were already several boxes of chocolate open it makes no sense to open another one.

If you were expecting money towards food you should have said that straight up before you bought anything. It wouldn't cross my mind to offer to pay if I'd been invited for dinner. It would feel insulting to the host.

They are in a partnership supposedly!

He knows she is short of money.

He is happy to eat everyone's elses chocs and take his own full box home!

🙄🙄

Any updates on the missing oven shelves situation?

😂 This was my line in the sand in the op. Adult man cannot adult. How very sexy…

Like so many posts on here, the OP isn't communicating effectively!

OP: that's a shame we can't go to X for Christmas any more. What shall we do instead? I don't mind hosting as you have no oven shelves (?!) but as you know I am completely skint. What do you suggest? Shall I buy £100 worth of Christmas food and you pay half?

Or something along those lines!

Apart from all this there’s major red flags going off with your boyfriend being more and more controlling!!! He’s controlling what your son does in your house and even the cat!!! Massive massive red flags which is abuse as is the law now

Apologies, I’ve been away from MN. I have a few updates. So, we had a talk on the phone the day before NYE. I made it clear I wasn’t happy about paying for the Christmas food and that I felt he was dodging paying as I’d mentioned it at least 3/4 times. I asked him what part of his parents hosting-then cancelling, me then offering, going out shopping for it, paying for it and then cooking it seemed fair? He said we hadn’t spoken about who was doing what so I ‘gave him that’s but added that in view he knows I am very short of money, how could that sit right with him and seem fair especially as it was his parents who had cancelled on us and caused the problem. I said had it been my parents doing the same (which they never would have done), I would have been mortified and stepped up. I also mentioned that there was no reason for him not to have hosted Christmas Day and cooked dinner if only he’d had some shelves in his oven… and when was he going to order these? This conversation was over the phone. He asked me to send him the receipts for the shopping which I did. He added that he had wanted to speak to me about paying for my meal on NYE (£30) to which I said, no as less than the shopping so how would that be fair on me. Anyway it got left that he said he needs to try to be better and recognise things. He then came round earlier on NYE so we could talk before going out. He still hadn’t transferred me the money. We sat talking and I asked him why he hadn’t sent me the money yet despite me sending the receipts. I added that most people would have spent more money than I did and also reiterated that I had stepped up, shopped and cooked the food. He said that it was not discussed to which I agreed it wasn’t but I had still done everything. I pointed out that last year we had shopped together and the shopping had come to £200 which we’d split - no questions asked and the only unfairness last year had been I had cooked the majority of the food. He prepared the starters. So I asked why was this year different especially in view of my change in financial circumstances. I also added that I appreciate I have my DS at home but as he hasn’t been paid yet from his first full time job and it was Christmas I thought he wouldn’t mind. He apologised. He then transferred me half the money. I then asked him about the mattress. Why did you offer to pay half last year and never did and then when I have brought it up as I’ve struggled to get money from you for Christmas food you asked if the cat had contributed. He said he thought we had drawn a line under that. I asked how he had come to that conclusion as he said because we had sorted out my son not vaping in the house anymore. I said what does that have to do with payment for a mattress 12 months ago? And then said how can I believe anything you say when you are not true emit your word. I asked why did you offer to pay half last year if you never intended to? He had no answer. I then said how do you expect me to believe you will financially look after me then in retirement like you also said? Do you not realise that I am basing trusting you on what you say and what you do and all you are doing is proving I cannot rely on you. He apologised and said he could see where I was coming from and recognised all our disagreements seem to be about money. I also brought up the chocolates (as he asked if he could have one of mine) and I said no. I told him that he had really upset me in Christmas Day as he had started to open them and then said it was difficult to get in them and given up. I have been to his since and he offered me some and I took one. He said take another to which I declined and said no, they’re yours I bought them for you. Yesterday he was at my house and asked if he could have some of my chocolates whilst I made the evening meal. I said no as the food would not be long and I explained that if he had bought them for me he wouldn’t want to eat them. He had eaten half of a small selection box I’d been given whilst opening Christmas presents on Christmas Day. We paid for ourselves food wise on NYE - he bought the drinks (3 ciders - only because I didn’t transfer the money) I thought I would wait to be asked and he didn’t ask. Then on NY day we went for a very long walk… of which I suggested going in the pub (half way stop for one drink) but was we got close he said he had a headache and felt sick so we just continued on the walk. I needed the loo and said I’d get our drinks but he said no just pop in to use the loo… to which I said I am not doing that as it is cheeky. We’ve subsequently been on another walk and had lunch out to which he said he’d get on his card for us to sort out later. I transferred the money to him on the way home to the penny. This all feels so exhausting. BF earns £9K a year more than me and I’ll be honest, due to cooking at Christmas I thought he might have paid for my meal out on NY day which was £20 including my drink. This is all so mentally draining.

He really dislikes my dog jumping up when he arrives which my dog does with everyone. Does not like him on the bed or chairs/sofa. He has dogs as a child but says his dad would not have allowed their dog to jump up. I have said my dog is not your dog… in the way he is used to things. I have rules for him but not majorly strict with bed and chairs. I have seen him push my dog off the bed and keep him from jumping up on a chair with his foot but he’s not kicked him or anything like that as that to me would be unacceptable and definitely the end.

On reading your updates I can see he's sometimes saying the right things and not doing the right things.

This man won't change and if you stay then that is what you are putting up with.

Wouldn't it be nice to be in a relationship where the first person to the bar gets the drinks and doesn't ask to be paid back?

Honestly, I couldn’t be arsed with all this.

I may be wrong in my understanding as your update is a very long block of text, but you both sound selfish in that everything needs to be reciprocated and split exactly in half. I can't believe you still brought up the chocolates and your discussion about him asking and you telling him no because it's nearly dinner sounds like you treat him like a child. He also offered you a chocolate at his and you declined saying you bought them for him, so it's no wonder he is confused about whether you want him to share or not.

I think you need to ditch the relationship.

On reading your updates I can see he's sometimes saying the right things and not doing the right things

I mean he's occasionally saying the right things. Maybe just enough to lull you into a false sense of security and keep you hanging on for more crumbs.
But he isn't following through with his actions.