AIBU to feel short changed and resentful?

[SantaHatCat]

So originally we were going to my boyfriend’s parents’ for Christmas dinner. I was looking forward to this. Unfortunately they fell out with his brother and therefore made alternative plans (uninvited everyone) and decided to spend it on their own. I therefore hosted the big day at my house for myself, boyfriend and my ds. Just the 3 of us. My boyfriend and myself do not live together and he earns a substantial amount more money than me. We used to earn the exact same but I have recently started a new job. As it was decided we’d have Christmas dinner at my house, I went out and bought all the food and alcohol to see us through Christmas and to the new year. I didn’t go mad, I spent about £100. My problem is that I have had no offer of money towards this and when I asked, he didn’t say or do anything. As it has bugged me since I raised it again yesterday as he said he didn’t want it to become about a whataboutery. In my mind I only think it’s fair we split the cost of this food as not only did I pay for everything, I’m the one who spent Christmas in the kitchen. Originally had plans not changed, his parents were hosting and I would have taken a token gift with me as I never go anywhere empty handed. My bf knows I am short of money. My ds has just finished college and starting working, his first pay cheque is due in January. On top of this and I don’t want to sound petty, my ds’s gf came round to my house in the evening. I had bought chocolates (as well as other gifts) for everyone and when we each opened our chocolates, we offered them around to each other. I brought my son up to do this. We all did this accept my bf. He took chocolates from each of us, but did not even open his. His chocolates were the most expensive out of them all, and the biggest box.

AIBU to feel disappointed and resentful?

Well how much should he contribute? You said you spent £100 to cover food for Xmas up until New Year. Is he staying there that long? Or was he just there for Xmas day. At the most his share would be a third, further complicated by how long he is staying, who else is visiting and eating the food, so it could be anything from £35 downwards. The chocolate thing is bizarre. I would not .expect someone to open a present and share it around. If they wanted to open it and eat it straight away then yes it's polite to offer but if they don't want to open it there and then equally acceptable

I find this so weird. If you were cooking dinner for you and your son, how much more did it cost for a slightly larger turkey/veg that you need to accommodate one more person. Quibbling over £33 seems OTT. You asked him to bring wine. Did he do that? If so, is that not equivalent to what you were bringing to the original meal planned?

there is no need to expect him to open chocolates, especially if there were two open boxes already being shared around. What did he buy you for Christmas? What did you buy him - was it just chocolate?

also, if you live separately why would you expect him to pay for half a mattress? Would you pay half for a new oven for him if he asked?

if it’s always this transactional, and he never puts his hand in his pocket then it is probably time to move on.

When your income was reduced he cut his cloth to match yours and saved more. Didn't help you out ? didn't treat you more ? Nope just spent less and saved more for himself.
Speaks volumes.

But they don't live together @grumpygrape
would you expect OP to help him out if it meant reducing the amount she was saving or having for bills. Or like most posters would you advise her to keep her own independence until they are actually married and it is family money.

Sorry, I didn’t realise it was a race to the bottom. He didn’t reduce his savings, he increased them. He spent less than he had been.

It doesn’t mean she has to relinquish her independence if he says instead of going out for a meal each week and paying 50:50, I’ll get a take away every week while you’re earning less. It won’t cost me any more or less and we’ll still have meals together.

I did offer and was told it wasn’t necessary. I then offered to help prepare the food or wash up and was told this wasn’t necessary either. Because of this I took it on myself to buy some Christmas crackers for the table for the whole family.

Originally we were going to his parents but they cancelled.

He was supposed to be staying until the new year apart from the days we both work.

Photo was taken of the oven type months ago but no shelves ordered. Despite lots of reminders it had never got done.

I had never heard of whataboutery either - I had to google it. When I learned what it meant, I realised it isn’t even a relevant word as he was clearly just not wanting to talk about it.

So I asked him if he thought it was fair that I pay for everything in relation to the Christmas food, and reminded him about the fact I’d lost my job, now earn a lot less money and asked him outright why when his parents had invited us and then cancelled last minute why when I offered to have dinner at my house he didn’t see to offer to contribute. He genuinely just looked at me and had nothing to say. I told him I had an issue with that and that the hot chocolate the other day (he’d referred to as a treat) was a drop in the ocean compared to the expense I’d gone to buying all the Christmas food and that I’d bought the drinks last time. He then said he didn’t want it to become a ‘whataboutery’ so I didn’t say anything further. Hence my post on MN and it’s still annoying me. I feel I want people’s viewpoints before I either raise it again or just monitor things but I have a really bad taste in my mouth.

We roughly spent the same amount of money on each other. He had asked what the ‘budget’ was for presents and I’d said to spend what he was happy to spend as obviously I had restricted finances. I hoped he’d realise that without having to ask me. For me it’s not the amount of money spent, it’s the thought that counts.

The whataboutery comment is actually him projecting what he was doing onto you. He was trying to dodge the issue and distract from it.

I’ve posted about it as there have been a few occasions where he hasn’t followed through. I want him to know that I listen to what he says and that he needs to be accountable. We spent about the same amount of money on each other which was more than I could afford but he sent me links to the items he wanted. My ds paid towards one of them to bring the cost down and because he didn’t know what to buy him. We spent the same amount on each other present wise.

so I didn’t say anything further

I don’t understand this. Why? Because he’d said some nonsense to you? ‘I don’t want it to become a whataboutery’ is an utterly nonsensical response. He clearly doesn’t even know what the term means.

He’s being cheap and selfish. There is absolutely no rational response to what you asked, so he’s dodging the questions. Require that he explain himself.

I personally wouldn’t want to be with someone who behaves like this, but I’m not one to whip out the MN LTB. I do, however, think you need to learn to assert yourself and stand your ground considerably more.

Thanks yes, once I learned what it meant I realised this and this has made it worse.

Ick. personally I would be rethinking him.
His family sounds horrible to cancel, unless they had an absolute emergency and he sounds like a selfish dick who stands about and lets a woman do all the work and he can’t even operate his own oven. He doesn’t even pay his way. I’m going to take a wild guess he doesn’t make a massive effort with your young lad either. Have a festive LTB.

I think the reason I didn’t say anything more is because I have realised that I was wasting my time. He is a very non confrontational person and just goes quiet. He does not sulk but he goes quiet. I don’t want to think the writing is on the wall but he does keep saying things and then doesn’t follow through.

He sounds selfish, lazy & tight. Do you really want to waste any more time, money & effort on him?
Go into the new year without this useless lump dragging you down.

So he did use to make an effort with my ds. The problem is my ds vapes and my bf can’t stand it. He says he can smell it in my house and it makes his eyes sting. He spoke to my ds a few weeks ago and asked him to keep his vapes in a box near the back door. My ds has done this. I don’t vape and I am glad the vapes are now out of his bedroom. Yesterday though we entered my house after a walk and he immediately said I can smell something (intimating it was vapour from a vape). I checked the box by the door and it was in the box as agreed with refill vape liquid. He didn’t know what to say to me. I said it must just be a scented candle his gf had lit. I feel like I’m walking on egg shells in my own home.

I know it's not the point but I'd like to know how you could get Christmas food and drink for the whole period up to New year for £100. What did you get and where from ?

It's possible for someone to have more than one vape or to have used it indoors and put it back.
Are you happy with your son vaping in your house?
It's not really up to you partner but if you aren't happy you need to make the request not to vape in the house come from you

I know - I’m baffled by some of the replies that she is being petty!

To me this issue is less about keeping track of who spends what but more about manners and being in an equitable relationship.

it does not sound like OPs boyfriend is well mannered nor that he considers their relationship equitable - and both of those are pretty big relationship issues.

A combination of Aldi and Morrisons… 5p veg deals, sliced turkey from the meat counter, basic xmas essentials 1 box mince pies, xmas pudding, custard, cider to drink and I’ve been making teas/dinners from scratch

So my question now is do I sweep this under a carpet and monitor or do I press on and ask for a contribution to the food again one final time?