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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel short changed and resentful?

216 replies

SantaHatCat · 29/12/2025 07:45

So originally we were going to my boyfriend’s parents’ for Christmas dinner. I was looking forward to this. Unfortunately they fell out with his brother and therefore made alternative plans (uninvited everyone) and decided to spend it on their own. I therefore hosted the big day at my house for myself, boyfriend and my ds. Just the 3 of us. My boyfriend and myself do not live together and he earns a substantial amount more money than me. We used to earn the exact same but I have recently started a new job. As it was decided we’d have Christmas dinner at my house, I went out and bought all the food and alcohol to see us through Christmas and to the new year. I didn’t go mad, I spent about £100. My problem is that I have had no offer of money towards this and when I asked, he didn’t say or do anything. As it has bugged me since I raised it again yesterday as he said he didn’t want it to become about a whataboutery. In my mind I only think it’s fair we split the cost of this food as not only did I pay for everything, I’m the one who spent Christmas in the kitchen. Originally had plans not changed, his parents were hosting and I would have taken a token gift with me as I never go anywhere empty handed. My bf knows I am short of money. My ds has just finished college and starting working, his first pay cheque is due in January. On top of this and I don’t want to sound petty, my ds’s gf came round to my house in the evening. I had bought chocolates (as well as other gifts) for everyone and when we each opened our chocolates, we offered them around to each other. I brought my son up to do this. We all did this accept my bf. He took chocolates from each of us, but did not even open his. His chocolates were the most expensive out of them all, and the biggest box.

AIBU to feel disappointed and resentful?

OP posts:
Original poster
SantaHatCat · 29/12/2025 20:36

Thanks everyone for your honest thoughts on my situation. We are meant to be out on NYE with friends for food and drinks so I’m going to give everything that’s been advised and said on here serious thought

OP posts:
Bleachedjeans · 29/12/2025 20:48

🚩 🚩 🚩

  • the whataboutery comment
  • not opening his own chocolates but eating everyone else’s
  • no shelves in his oven. Why the hell not?
Any self respecting man would help or contribute. Sounds a bit of a loser.
Livpool · 29/12/2025 22:12

Stinginess is so unattractive - throw this one back. He is a cheeky fucker

mamajong · 30/12/2025 08:47

If you are hosting and want to share costs you need to say that up front so the other pwrson has a say in whats spent and bought. It sounds like you just bought all the stuff and then asked him to pay afterwards, personally if im contributing i would prefer to know and agree the cost up front not be guilted after the event.

Regarding the chocolates you sound petty - no one has to share their xmas gift. If you do, you dont do so in order to receive back surely?!

Only you can decide if your financial outlooks are aligned longer term, maybe thats worth a calm 'going forward' conversation

SardinesOnGingerbread · 30/12/2025 09:35

It's not about the money, it's the signalling of his lack of care. Of course he doesn't want it to be about keeping count whilst he's quids in. This isn't someone who has your back. My husband wouldn't dream of leaving me with less.

Endorewitch · 30/12/2025 19:14

You offered to host. Would have been nice if he offered to buy alcahol but he didn't. Seems a bit stingy to me. But when the chips are down you were the hostess. IMO that means it is your responsibility. And there are 2 of you.
How on earth you spent only £100 for 3 of you over the Xmas period is beyond me. If you and your son opened boxes of chocolates ,he obviously didn't open his. He kept them for another day.
You sound very ungenerous . Sorry to say that.
And if his parents hadn't invited and then uninvited you,I assume you would have hosted xmas. Would you expect him to pay then?No wonder he doesn't want to talk about it!

Flowersforyourchocolateprettyplease · 30/12/2025 19:52

It's a tricky one when hosting as many have said. Some expect the host to shoulder the costs, whilst others always offer to contribute £ or bring something.

For me it's the mattress comment:
Did you ask the cat to contribute? 🙀.

This shows no respect, no intention and gaslighting.

A man who isn't true to his word is not worth it.

Straycats · 30/12/2025 20:09

We do the same in our household regarding chocolates, we always share, so if someone holds back…. well it wouldn’t happen and be in poor taste.
He’s a miserable miser, who should have stepped up paying for Christmas meal. Please please let us know how it goes. X

Original poster
SantaHatCat · 30/12/2025 20:20

Endorewitch · 30/12/2025 19:14

You offered to host. Would have been nice if he offered to buy alcahol but he didn't. Seems a bit stingy to me. But when the chips are down you were the hostess. IMO that means it is your responsibility. And there are 2 of you.
How on earth you spent only £100 for 3 of you over the Xmas period is beyond me. If you and your son opened boxes of chocolates ,he obviously didn't open his. He kept them for another day.
You sound very ungenerous . Sorry to say that.
And if his parents hadn't invited and then uninvited you,I assume you would have hosted xmas. Would you expect him to pay then?No wonder he doesn't want to talk about it!

I hear your comments but we are a couple so why, when that is the case do you feel I should pay for the day in its entirety. Would you think it was fair if it were you in my position. I hosted last year too. I could say it was my bf’s turn but I bridged the gap despite his parents changing our plans. All this on top of me being the lower earner. You are entitled to your opinion. It is interesting. I only had £100 maximum to spend - that is how I achieved it.

OP posts:
ContentedAlpaca · 30/12/2025 20:24

@SantaHatCat have you decided what you are going to do?

Original poster
SantaHatCat · 30/12/2025 20:27

nomas · 29/12/2025 08:00

Yo need to address this asap.

Tell him that you expect him to pull his weight financially and to pay half.

Is he usually tight? Do you end up paying for dinner at restaurants, cinema tickets etc?

We have always gone 50:50 but since I lost my job and accepted one paying a lot less money I have struggled. We were going away on short breaks and out more socially but as I can’t afford that now, that has stopped.

OP posts:
Original poster
SantaHatCat · 30/12/2025 20:32

ContentedAlpaca · 30/12/2025 20:24

@SantaHatCat have you decided what you are going to do?

Yes, I’m talking to him shortly. We are out tomorrow for a NYE meal with friends that’s £30 each plus drinks too… I’m starting to dread anything now which involves money!

OP posts:
CarrierbagsAndPJs · 30/12/2025 20:47

SantaHatCat · 30/12/2025 20:32

Yes, I’m talking to him shortly. We are out tomorrow for a NYE meal with friends that’s £30 each plus drinks too… I’m starting to dread anything now which involves money!

Show quote history

You are not paying fo him are you?

Original poster
SantaHatCat · 30/12/2025 20:53

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 30/12/2025 20:47

You are not paying fo him are you?

Show quote history

No, we will be going to one pub before we meet for the meal. There we will be splitting the bill with friends at the end of the night

OP posts:
MagicStarrz · 30/12/2025 20:58

It's not great your bf is refusing to contribute but perhaps he's a bit put out as I also think it's a bit off that you're asking after the event. If you offered to host, that doesn't usually mean the attendees pay. If you expected that, you should have said at the outset.

As for the Christmas chocolates, yes this does sound petty. If I give someone a gift, I don't expect them to open it and share it with me.

MrsJeanLuc · 30/12/2025 21:08

What??? The people who were supposed to host let her/them down - what's she supposed to do? She kindly spent a lot of money on rescuing the day, the least her partner (boyfriend) can do is share the cost

Pessismistic · 30/12/2025 21:24

Hi op your feeling resentful because he basically shut you down by saying stupid words or going quiet. He has no intention of giving you any money. I would not push for the money now but would definitely not do anything like this again that’s going to cost you money and time. As others said he is stingy but also a liar he offers you but doesn’t follow it through because he has no intention he’s telling you what you want to hear. The fact he knows you’re short on cash means he really doesn’t care enough about you. Once nye is out of the way I would rethink your situation unless your going to ignore the lies and stinginess not a great catch but might be good enough for you.

PhotoFirePoet · 30/12/2025 21:32

LadyBlakeneysHanky · 29/12/2025 10:34

Sounds like BF is unable to recognise basic social cues and needs to be parented - which will make him a selfish, unreliable and not fully adult partner in a relationship. He sounds to me as though he’s stuck at the developmental stage of a 13 year old boy, for whatever reason.

The normal thing to do in the Xmas circumstances would have been to go shopping together, or at least ask what part of the meal he should have provided.

Not helping with the cooking suggests he assumes he will be cared for -‘parented’- and does not recognise the responsible, adult, participatory role he is called on to play as an adult in a relationship.

Not having oven shelves suggests he doesn’t look after himself & doesn’t see the need to.

Keeping his box of chocs unopened while everyone else offered theirs is failing to see & react to a really obvious social cue.

The unreliability about the mattress suggests he does not understand that people will remember & rely on what he says. The rudeness about it (the cat comment) suggests lack of maturity. Really not an adult’s response - this is a 13 year old’s comment.

The grandiose promises about the future without any serious planning similarly sound like something a young teen or child would say - without any real thought or detail - without realising in the adult world this will lead to reliance.

The framing of the hot chocolate as a ‘treat’ is childlike & not something you’d expect in an adult relationship.

I would say there is something more significant going on here, about his social & emotional capacity & development, & that unless he’s willing to address his difficulty with social cues, & immaturity, and unless you are willing to take on the (possibly very unrewarding) task of helping him do so, it’s time to end things.

And the idea that ‘love keeps no score’- the mantra of abusive & exploitative men everywhere. Don’t fall for that crap 🤢.

Excellent post

TravelledLodger · 30/12/2025 22:03

Actions speak.louder than words OP.

If course, he should chip in for the food! If he cared about you at all and wasn't a tight arse, he would put his hand in his pocket willingly given that you're currently out of work.

I wouldn't be going out tomorrow night.

ThisBrickOtter · 30/12/2025 22:04

I bet the boyfriend is generally a tight arse. Not sharing chocolate, when everyone else is sharing chocolate, is nuts.

Also yes OF COURSE he should have contributed. What's all this 'hostess with the mostess' nonsense? I'll accept that argument when I see a man host a damned thing that isn't ultimately self-serving.

Millytante · 30/12/2025 22:15

SantaHatCat · 30/12/2025 20:20

I hear your comments but we are a couple so why, when that is the case do you feel I should pay for the day in its entirety. Would you think it was fair if it were you in my position. I hosted last year too. I could say it was my bf’s turn but I bridged the gap despite his parents changing our plans. All this on top of me being the lower earner. You are entitled to your opinion. It is interesting. I only had £100 maximum to spend - that is how I achieved it.

Show quote history

A couple, maybe so, but you aren’t engaged and living together with a joint account are you? As you are still separate entities in the practical sphere, independent £SD responsibility is quite normal. (You have a teenaged son who is not this man’s responsibility, which adds a layer to that, as well.)

Unless you two have an unusually frank (for you as a couple) discussion about your current expectations of his support for your household, you are going to be eating your heart out over the same theme after every date.
You both may be watching completely different relationship movies here (it sounds that way yo me, at any rate) and unless you spell out to him what you require of him, and assess his feelings for you by his reaction, you are just hitting your head against a wall.

(I’d bin the whole thing, myself, as I’ve said before. His family sound too tiresome, and he will give you an ulcer.)

Ophy83 · 30/12/2025 22:25

The chocolate thing is fine as it was a gift so presumably he was taking his box home (where one would expect him to offer you some if he opens them when you are there).

I don't understand his attitude to the other food though. Even before we lived together my DH would have insisted on paying for a food shop if I was struggling and he was putting me to trouble/expense (which your bf was with his family issues). He also would have done an equal share of cooking - you're not "hosting", you're a couple

Anywherebuthere · 30/12/2025 22:36

SantaHatCat · 29/12/2025 07:56

It was decided I’d host as my bf has no shelves in his oven (so can’t cook turkey or roasties) and as my ds still lives at home we’d stay at mine.

Edited

Whatever the reason and last minute or not, if you chose to host you should be paying. If that was a problem and you wanted payment then you should have been discussed this beforehand.

This relationship probably isn't for you. Neither of you sound too generous. You will forever be monitoring what he consumes and calculating if the costs balance. And he won't be contributing his fair share either.

ScabbyHorse · 30/12/2025 22:40

I think the best thing would have been to take him shopping with you for the Christmas food and ask him to share the cost then.

Anywherebuthere · 30/12/2025 22:45

SantaHatCat · 30/12/2025 20:20

I hear your comments but we are a couple so why, when that is the case do you feel I should pay for the day in its entirety. Would you think it was fair if it were you in my position. I hosted last year too. I could say it was my bf’s turn but I bridged the gap despite his parents changing our plans. All this on top of me being the lower earner. You are entitled to your opinion. It is interesting. I only had £100 maximum to spend - that is how I achieved it.

Show quote history

If I host I pay. If I couldn't afford it I wouldn't do it. Its always best to spend within your means. I would never take or expect payment as a host.

You maybe in a relationship but you don't live together or share finances yet.

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