AIBU to feel short changed and resentful?

[SantaHatCat]

So originally we were going to my boyfriend’s parents’ for Christmas dinner. I was looking forward to this. Unfortunately they fell out with his brother and therefore made alternative plans (uninvited everyone) and decided to spend it on their own. I therefore hosted the big day at my house for myself, boyfriend and my ds. Just the 3 of us. My boyfriend and myself do not live together and he earns a substantial amount more money than me. We used to earn the exact same but I have recently started a new job. As it was decided we’d have Christmas dinner at my house, I went out and bought all the food and alcohol to see us through Christmas and to the new year. I didn’t go mad, I spent about £100. My problem is that I have had no offer of money towards this and when I asked, he didn’t say or do anything. As it has bugged me since I raised it again yesterday as he said he didn’t want it to become about a whataboutery. In my mind I only think it’s fair we split the cost of this food as not only did I pay for everything, I’m the one who spent Christmas in the kitchen. Originally had plans not changed, his parents were hosting and I would have taken a token gift with me as I never go anywhere empty handed. My bf knows I am short of money. My ds has just finished college and starting working, his first pay cheque is due in January. On top of this and I don’t want to sound petty, my ds’s gf came round to my house in the evening. I had bought chocolates (as well as other gifts) for everyone and when we each opened our chocolates, we offered them around to each other. I brought my son up to do this. We all did this accept my bf. He took chocolates from each of us, but did not even open his. His chocolates were the most expensive out of them all, and the biggest box.

AIBU to feel disappointed and resentful?

I couldn't be in a relationship where I'm asked to pay back contributions and split bills. I prefer to go with the flow and either pay the full bill or none, dealing with "you owe me £x" would drive me mad. Some people are opposite to that which is fine for them if both halves of the couple feel the same. It sounds like you and your bf aren't compatible in this way. The stress and conflict around money is likely to really increase if you were to move in together and if you were to get married. Maybe you're just not right for each other.

Were you going to pay his parents for hosting?

This is really petty over £30 and some chocolates.

What a fuss over not a lot.

It was decided I’d host as my bf has no shelves in his oven (so can’t cook turkey or roasties) and as my ds still lives at home we’d stay at mine

So how much were you planning to pay his parents for your and your son's contributions and what is the difference?

I do agree that it is a concern if he agrees to contribute to things and then not actually pay though.

He sounds awful and immature generally. I would have the ick and go into the new year single.

He definitely should have offered to contribute but don't offer to host and then count how many chocolates everyone offers everyone else....!

Firstly why have you changed your job to earn less than before?! Secondly before you hosted you should have made it clear if you needed a contribution towards food and drink. Personally if I host I don’t expect my guests to pay or bring anything but just come and enjoy. Anything they bring is extra and only if they can afford to do so.

You say you’ve recently changed jobs, was this by choice or unavoidable? Is he worried that you’ve taken a lower paid job and you are going to expect his higher paid job to sub you?

Like others have said, only you know if this is a pattern or one off.

She said she lost her job following a period of illness.

She updated with that info. He hasn't been subbing her.

I'm not sure why you thought you would be hosted for a token gift, but when you host your guest splits the cost? Given his parents didn't suggest splitting the cost it seems your BF comes from a family where being a guest is free. You should have asked for a contribution before you started really so it was clear.

This is an excellent post @IllMetByMoonlight, fully agree.

Ok, that makes sense. I just saw it on an update from OP. Honestly if you want money from anyone always ask for it before you do anything because collecting afterwards is a real pain! So OP should have said ok I will step in and do Christmas dinner for us all as your parents have cancelled but to do that I need a contribution from you and collected the money from her BF. Now he is acting tight and it makes it all awkward!

Well on the surface it’s all nothing but I would see it as a reflection on his priorities (himself), how he lives his life and how he values me. Self-centredness and a lack of generosity of spirit would give me the ick and it would be over - although I wouldn’t specify these as reasons. I’d keep it vague and just say it isn’t working for you.

Just read that now, I don’t think I’d refreshed the page as didn’t see that update.

@SantaHatCat having read the update. It sounds like he’s quite unreliable and you’re not on the same page long term with finances / plans.

Oh dear, OP, parts of this sound like my ex - I'd leave him. Not for the Christmas (I think if you take on the responsibility of hosting, you pay, unless agreed in otherwise in advance; he was very rude about the chocolates though), but because he thinks it's fair to continue a 50/50 arrangement with someone who earns significantly less than him and because he's feeding you absolute shit about earning a fortune at some far distant point in the future and taking care of you then.

I thought the same as you. I was raised to be independent. When he ended up moving in with me (subtly... he just gradually spent more and more time until eventually he didn't go back to his place), I paid absolutely everything (full mortgage, all bills, including supermarket; which all increased with him living there as well) - it was matter of foolish pride to never ask for help or to admit I was beginning to see the situation as unfair. Then he decided he couldn't be bothered to work for anyone else anymore, so I gave him money as well, so he wouldn't be embarrased in front of his friends. I am cringing typing this - I can't believe how many mistakes I made and kept making. My point is, don't let it get to the stage where you become me.

It's easy for him to say he doesn't want a relationship to become "whataboutery" when it's the other person covering costs!

How was he before this? Being devil's advocate could he be feeling like he's picked up a lot of the tab while you were ill / out of work? You need another conversation really. Although if you don't live together, I wouldn't expect him to contribute to your new mattress even if he offered.

I can see two separate issues.
You are short of money. Christmas dinner was an unexpected expense and a contribution will make the end of the month much less financially stressful for you.
I don't think it's about what people normally do or should do. We all have different priorities and expectations because we're different people bringing difference good and bad experiences and beliefs into the mix, so I would keep that out of it. The crux of it is that you are struggling now and need some help. If your partner had the capacity to help I would hope he would not watch you struggle.

The other is about expectations. There are various of those discussed on this thread. Some people think if you host, you pay. Some people think 50/50 is the way to go and there's every shade of grey in-between.
Is your partner generally tight? It often surprises me when one person insists on having the money for the coffee they bought given back to the exact penny. Will he get the coffees in if he's the first to the counter in a cafe or does he hang back?

The chocolates were a gift. Your families expectation is that you open them then and there and share. If I was given chocolate as a gift, I would open them in my own time because I wouldn't be in a rush to consume them and they only keep for so long once unsealed. I don't think anyone is right or wrong here. I'm your own little family when everyone knows the rules, has been brought up with them and is onboard with them then expectations are a lot clearer. When your son gets a partner it may be refreshing to him not to have to open a gift immediately and share it out. I do think these situations needs a bit of grace and flexibility rather than black and white thinking.

I don’t think you can be annoyed that he didn’t open his chocolates when everyone else did. Maybe he was full and didn’t fancy one? You can’t expect him to open them just because everyone else did. And the fact that his were the most expensive is irrelevant. That’s not his fault, you chose to do that.

As for the food and payment. Hmm. You say when you asked him for some money, he said nothing. Did he literally just blank you? Then what?
You bought enough food for Christmas Day and then the run up to new year. Did you discuss it with him at all beforehand? You went out and chose all the food, and only asked for money afterwards. Perhaps a conversation beforehand would’ve been beneficial. “Hey boyfriend, I’m going to do a big shop today for all the food that we’ll need over the next few days, now that we aren’t going to your family. Is there anything you’d like in particular? Do you want to come and pick things me? Are we okay splitting the cost, it might be pricey?”
Ultimately though, I do think he has been stingy. I can’t believe you asked him for a contribution and he ignored you! Next time he wants you to put your hand in your pocket cut something, remind him of this.

Presumably, you invited him to spend Christmas with you and your son?

You don't live together as a family, so I'm guessing your bf took this an invitation - I wouldn't assume I'd need to pay either, just bring a bottle of something or whatever. If you needed him to contribute, you should have said.

The chocolate thing is so nitpicky - are you sure you haven't just gone off him and are looking for reasons to dump him?

I think there are even wider questions around this. His relationship to his parents and what his values are. Whether he is able to be consistent in his relationship with you.
I can't imagine a situation where a family would cancel like that, let everyone down, have a Christmas as the one that goes down in memory as the one where everyone fell out etc. That seems volatile, inconsistent, odd and a bit sulky to me, but there may be more to it?

Is that a regular pattern with his family? Because I think you need some conversations around your own values and priorities as a couple/family unit.

What did he buy you for christmas

He's a cheapskate. Would completely put me off

He should have offered to pay, however…

when you were invited to boyfriend’s parents, you intended to bring a token gift. You didn’t offer to contribute to the cost.

so when the tables were turned and you had to host instead, by the same reasoning, you should expect guests to bring a token gift.

What did he get you for christmas?