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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DP missed baby’s first Christmas to be with his DD4

254 replies

tizzy13 · 28/12/2025 19:49

How upset would you feel if your partner missed his baby’s first Christmas? Because apparently I’m overreacting and him and his mum think it’s normal to do this…

My partner has his daughter twice a month (every other weekend Friday-Sun) and he’s had her for Christmas this year. They go to his parents as he doesn’t want her at my house (despite me making it nice for them and buying bunk beds for my son and her) - don’t ask me why as honestly I’ve got no clue. He just says he wants 1-1 time with her he doesn’t get when here. But he’s continued to leave me when we just had a newborn discharged from NICU.

Our baby was born on 2nd October when I was 33weeks + 5 days pregnant due to baby stopping moving and going into distress - I had to have a CAT2 emergency section and spent 21 days in NICU. He is now about 5/6 weeks corrected developmentally so still acts like a newborn and it’s very hard for me to do anything as I am breastfeeding.

He left to go to his parents on Friday 19th for Christmas. His reasoning for going there is that the first year she’s got true understanding so wants 1-1 time with her over Christmas to make it special (she’s 4) I’ve offered over and over to have her here with us and her baby brother but no apparently he wouldn’t get enough quality time. I was planning to make Christmas really special for all 3 kids especially as his daughter adores her newest baby brother but barely gets to see him as we’re always left here whilst she stays at DP’s parents on his weekends.

He half heartedly said I can stop in at his parents for Christmas lunch a few weeks ago but I’ve said no as his mum doesn’t like Christmas, is always moody and doesn’t like a single crumb in her lounge or her house getting messy. I wouldn’t be comfortable and my son would not have an enjoyable Christmas as wouldn’t be able to play properly.

I woke up at 5am with my 12 week baby and older son. On my own. I’m breastfeeding on demand and my baby was born 7w premature so is extra needy.
All morning I had gotten whinging and crying. Just about managed to cook some kind of dinner but most of it was burnt as I couldn’t put baby down.
I delivered him, his parents and his daughters presents Christmas Eve but none of us had got presents from him or his family…

I feel like second best. He doesn’t care and I don’t feel like a priority at all. He says my baby won’t remember this Christmas so it doesn’t matter but it’s the principle.
I’ve just sat here all week feeling so hurt and angry plus having no adult contact on Christmas Day felt pretty crappy.

He’s not come home yet as I’ve expressed how hurt I am and said I don’t want to see him until I’ve rationalised.

Am I being unreasonable this or is this strange behaviour?! He thinks he’s done nothing wrong and keeps saying ‘just because I want to see my daughter you’re having a go at me’ etc and doesn’t see my side at all.

OP posts:
LittlePetitePsychopath · 28/12/2025 19:52

They go to his parents as he doesn’t want her at my house

You need to know why. There’s no future to this relationship if he intends to keep you completely separate from his daughter.

Although I’m not sure there’s much of a future anyway. He’s shown you what he thinks of you. I’m sorry he’s such a dick but sadly you know where you stand.

Mithral · 28/12/2025 19:52

I'm sorry but DH sounds like a total dud. You need to seriously look at whether he's bringing anything positive to your life.

pinkfondu · 28/12/2025 19:52

How is he going to cope when you split up?

Seahorsesplendour · 28/12/2025 19:53

I’m sorry that really sucks. Don’t know what else to say really.

Good that he wants quality time with his daughter.

but doesn’t seem fair that that is at expense of you and newborn.

what’s his perspective about why it’s ok not to be with you?

ItsOnlyHobnobs · 28/12/2025 19:53

Well, he isn’t your partner.

No gifts?

Dump him, get him out of your home, put in a claim for maintenance.

Missmargo · 28/12/2025 19:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Fidgety31 · 28/12/2025 19:53

He doesn’t want to blend families and that’s why he keeps you separate .
if he wanted to include you then he would . However this is the problem you will
have forever because u decided to get with a guy who already has a young child .
it sounds like you have an older child too and he wanted one to one time with his daughter away from your older child .

what a mess .i would focus on the two kids you have and plan for your own life with them as I don’t think you’re ever gonna get the family set up you’re looking for with this guy

PumpkinPie2016 · 28/12/2025 19:55

While he is right that the baby won't have a clue about this Christmas, to disappear on 19th Dec for the whole of Christmas is not on.

The fact that he never brings his daughter to your house is odd.

Not to get a present for you or your son is also odd at best.

Does he otherwise live with you? Is the house solely yours or joint?

Honestly, I know your baby is still tiny, but I would be rethinking this relationship as he doesn't seem very invested in it.

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 28/12/2025 19:55

Run run run from this man. He thinks his DD is more important that your shared child. That won’t change.

AliceMcK · 28/12/2025 19:55

YANBU

having 1 on 1 with his DD is important but so is spending time with you and his new child especially after going through so much stress and trauma.

I could understand if you were asking him to choose but your not, your asking him to bring his dd to spend time in what should be his DDs second home with her step family and new baby sibling.m

This sounds really weird like something else is going on.

FuzzyWolf · 28/12/2025 19:56

I think he is right that his DD will be aware of who he is spending Christmas with and given you have a very young baby, she probably feels pushed out and worried so needs that extra time and support.

The issue seems to be why he doesn’t want you involved because I don’t see how you can have any future together if your children and the two of you aren’t acting as a family unit. Why doesn’t he want you around his daughter? What’s his excuse or reasoning?

His DD is also too young for bunk beds.

Original poster
tizzy13 · 28/12/2025 20:00

PumpkinPie2016 · 28/12/2025 19:55

While he is right that the baby won't have a clue about this Christmas, to disappear on 19th Dec for the whole of Christmas is not on.

The fact that he never brings his daughter to your house is odd.

Not to get a present for you or your son is also odd at best.

Does he otherwise live with you? Is the house solely yours or joint?

Honestly, I know your baby is still tiny, but I would be rethinking this relationship as he doesn't seem very invested in it.

Just to also clarify up until around July I would have her here every weekend and then contact changed with his ex to every other weekend and that’s when he decided to have her at his parents. Still haven’t really got a clue why he just says he wants that quality time as he hardly sees her and wants to make the most of it. I’m a qualified teacher so am great with kids, no reason why she shouldn’t be here.

The house is a rented council house and in my name and I pay most of the bills he’s not on the tenancy.

OP posts:
Dinosweetpea · 28/12/2025 20:00

ItsOnlyHobnobs · 28/12/2025 19:53

Well, he isn’t your partner.

No gifts?

Dump him, get him out of your home, put in a claim for maintenance.

This.
No gifts, no consideration for you at all. There's either something dodgy going on or he is an absolute prick.
He can't forever split himself between 2 children on Christmas day.

Original poster
tizzy13 · 28/12/2025 20:01

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 28/12/2025 19:55

Run run run from this man. He thinks his DD is more important that your shared child. That won’t change.

I wonder if it’s because he’s struggled to bond but he just doesn’t seem to care about spending time with his new baby. Definitely seems to be favouring his daughter which breaks my heart. He was so excited to have a son when we found out baby was a boy too, as he always wanted a son, so it’s very confusing.

OP posts:
namechangetheworld · 28/12/2025 20:02

I would hazard a guess that his DD/DD's mother isn't keen on you for some reason. Or maybe DD is jealous over the new baby.

Was the most recent child planned?

Loadsapandas · 28/12/2025 20:03

He sound like an arse.

How old is your other child? what’s he like with the 4 year old?

How long have you been with your partner?

You might be seeing why he and ex split?

Also, do his parents ever see your DS?

I’m asking as there must be a deeper reason?

Original poster
tizzy13 · 28/12/2025 20:04

namechangetheworld · 28/12/2025 20:02

I would hazard a guess that his DD/DD's mother isn't keen on you for some reason. Or maybe DD is jealous over the new baby.

Was the most recent child planned?

Edited

She doesn’t like me but never said anything to him about me to my knowledge. Baby was kind of planned but not as soon, we got pregnant on our second cycle of trying so expected a bit more time. We’ve been together 2 years.

OP posts:
Whyherewego · 28/12/2025 20:05

So he's right in one thing. Your baby won't remember this Christmas but his DD4 will.

But other than that the whole rest of this is downright wierd.

Loadsapandas · 28/12/2025 20:05

namechangetheworld · 28/12/2025 20:02

I would hazard a guess that his DD/DD's mother isn't keen on you for some reason. Or maybe DD is jealous over the new baby.

Was the most recent child planned?

Edited

Whats your guess based on? Hunch that a woman must be to blame?

Even if mum wasn’t keen she cannot stop dad from taking DC to his home unless a safe guarding issue.

We need to try and move away from automatically blaming women for issues.

Missmargo · 28/12/2025 20:06

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Original poster
tizzy13 · 28/12/2025 20:06

Loadsapandas · 28/12/2025 20:03

He sound like an arse.

How old is your other child? what’s he like with the 4 year old?

How long have you been with your partner?

You might be seeing why he and ex split?

Also, do his parents ever see your DS?

I’m asking as there must be a deeper reason?

I have a 4 year old son who adores his DD. They get on great and he always asks where she is. Been together for 2 years.
Yeah we visit his parents fairly often and I bring my DS over occasionally, I get on great with my partners Dad but his Mum is a bit tricky.

OP posts:
Original poster
tizzy13 · 28/12/2025 20:07

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He was planning to come home late Boxing Day when his DD went back to her Mum’s but I was so angry I said to stay at his parents until we can work things out, if we can. I’m at my wits ends.

OP posts:
Soonenough · 28/12/2025 20:09

I wonder does his ex come with his DD ? I do not think this will get any better for you . Not married , get rid , get child support and raise your two boys on your own . You will be doing it by yourself anyway so might as well be able to not be with someone who disrespects you and your kids.

Netcurtainnelly · 28/12/2025 20:10

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Ponderingwindow · 28/12/2025 20:11

The problem seems to stem from the fact that you have not successfully blended. Being safe to be around his child is not sufficient. Clearly something is going on if his parenting time was reduced and he now sees his child elsewhere. It could be as simple as his daughter not handling the changes well and he is stuck trying to balance her needs with the fact that you are pregnant and now have a newborn.

I wonder if he is not telling you everything because you are overwhelmed or if you aren’t hearing the real explanations he is providing.