AIBU - DP missed baby’s first Christmas to be with his DD4

[tizzy13]

How upset would you feel if your partner missed his baby’s first Christmas? Because apparently I’m overreacting and him and his mum think it’s normal to do this…

My partner has his daughter twice a month (every other weekend Friday-Sun) and he’s had her for Christmas this year. They go to his parents as he doesn’t want her at my house (despite me making it nice for them and buying bunk beds for my son and her) - don’t ask me why as honestly I’ve got no clue. He just says he wants 1-1 time with her he doesn’t get when here. But he’s continued to leave me when we just had a newborn discharged from NICU.

Our baby was born on 2nd October when I was 33weeks + 5 days pregnant due to baby stopping moving and going into distress - I had to have a CAT2 emergency section and spent 21 days in NICU. He is now about 5/6 weeks corrected developmentally so still acts like a newborn and it’s very hard for me to do anything as I am breastfeeding.

He left to go to his parents on Friday 19th for Christmas. His reasoning for going there is that the first year she’s got true understanding so wants 1-1 time with her over Christmas to make it special (she’s 4) I’ve offered over and over to have her here with us and her baby brother but no apparently he wouldn’t get enough quality time. I was planning to make Christmas really special for all 3 kids especially as his daughter adores her newest baby brother but barely gets to see him as we’re always left here whilst she stays at DP’s parents on his weekends.

He half heartedly said I can stop in at his parents for Christmas lunch a few weeks ago but I’ve said no as his mum doesn’t like Christmas, is always moody and doesn’t like a single crumb in her lounge or her house getting messy. I wouldn’t be comfortable and my son would not have an enjoyable Christmas as wouldn’t be able to play properly.

I woke up at 5am with my 12 week baby and older son. On my own. I’m breastfeeding on demand and my baby was born 7w premature so is extra needy.
All morning I had gotten whinging and crying. Just about managed to cook some kind of dinner but most of it was burnt as I couldn’t put baby down.
I delivered him, his parents and his daughters presents Christmas Eve but none of us had got presents from him or his family…

I feel like second best. He doesn’t care and I don’t feel like a priority at all. He says my baby won’t remember this Christmas so it doesn’t matter but it’s the principle.
I’ve just sat here all week feeling so hurt and angry plus having no adult contact on Christmas Day felt pretty crappy.

He’s not come home yet as I’ve expressed how hurt I am and said I don’t want to see him until I’ve rationalised.

Am I being unreasonable this or is this strange behaviour?! He thinks he’s done nothing wrong and keeps saying ‘just because I want to see my daughter you’re having a go at me’ etc and doesn’t see my side at all.

Sounds like he goes to his Mums so she can do all the leg work and he gets to act like the prodigal son. At best he's a lazy arse of a parent.

But to not see his other child on Christmas day especially a newborn? Vile behaviour OP and he wouldn't be getting his feet back over my threshold. You let him get away with this behaviour, you're in for a lifetime of it.

If his daughter was struggling I would be siding with him. Your baby won’t know the difference, but the amount of time away & the no presents is a disgraceful way to treat you & your boys. You need to lay the law down

Could his DD's mum be the reason for the change. You've gone from every weekend at your house , to only once a fortnight and now his time with dd has to be at his parents house. Perhaps he needs to formalise child arrangements through court ( increasing his time with dd in the process- once a fortnight isn't enough).
It's extremely difficult to blend families, there are so many potential problems and it sounds like it happened really quickly ( together around 12 months before conceiving your shared dc?) . Things obviously need to change for the future but your partner needs to engage in meaningful communication with you and recognise that some compromises will need to be made.

I think it’s easy to understand. He’ll be waited on hand and foot and gets childcare thrown in for free by being with his parents. If he was with you OP, he’d have not just one child to parent but three! Or at least two, as you have your hands full with a newborn. He’d also be expected to help out on the domestic front. I mean it’s not difficult to figure out his choice is it?!
Get rid OP, you and you boys will be much happier in the long run.

Realistically he isn’t your partner. He is a boyfriend and doesn’t intend to blend his life with you. He doesn’t see you as his family. This is going to end. You need to plan for life as a single parent. But by the sounds of it, it won’t be much different. Really wishing you some lovely moments with your little ones. Hope you have family to support you.

What’s you relationship like otherwise?

If you left the house for a week would you return to a perfectly run house?

or do you do most of the housework and childcare.

does he work, does he get up in the night.

is this behaviour re Christmas as odd as it sounds or is it an example of a greater issue?

If his mother is misrable and hates Christmas and mess, why on earth would he want his daughter there, sounds like a right bundle of fun for her at 4 years old poor kid, iam sure she'd of had alot more fun at your house, your husband sounds awful, bin him off, it's better to be single and on your own,than in a marriage feeling alone xx

I don't mean to offend at all and perhaps I'm just being paranoid, but it seems a little bit strange that a dad wants his 4 year old daughter all to himself for supposed quality time? Time that is apparently never quite enough - what exactly are these high quality activities that you apparently have no place joining?

Yes I was wondering if something has happened to warrant this and he’s keeping it from the OP

Wow there's so much wrong with this.

He doesn't want his daughter at your house.
Parents don't seem to like you/your son (no offence) as the whole moody at Xmas and no crumbs allowed thing doesn't ring true if the 4 year old is always there.
No presents AT ALL from your partner for you or his own baby.

I don't really know what to say without sounding offensive. Surely you can see if for yourself?

If you're not a priority for him now, you never will be.

Surely op would have been made aware of something like this, she has two small children. Social services would have a responsibility to safeguard them too.

I don’t know how you resolve this. My husband never would have left me alone with our high needs newborn for more than absolutely necessary. He basically went to work and ran our essential errands. Otherwise he was there taking care of us.

Your partner isn’t handling this well at all. He had no business having another baby before his older child was fully integrated into the household. Yet he doesn’t have a Time Machine to go back and not put himself in this position.

your anger and frustration is completely justified. There just isn’t an easy solution because there is a 4yo involved here too whose needs matter just as much as everyone else.

I’m just brainstorming, but one thing that did help me when dc was young was radical changes in expectations. She was a very high needs infant and it was hard. So I had to sort of accept that my life was different than I expected. Once I did that, it got easier.

If your partner didn’t live with you, but you had a fixed schedule where he came and parented and also helped with chores around your home that might be easier than one you have now where you are expecting a family and not getting one. Maybe he comes over 5 times a week and does an hour with the baby and another hour of housework. Yes, I think he should do housework even if he doesn’t live there because it is a huge part of parenting a baby.

Sorry but honestly you need to take a very long and hard look at how you got here.

You both had 2 yr olds from different relationships or situations that did not result in a family unit with both BPs. Then less than 18 mths into new relationships you somewhat planned another child. When you had barely blended and also clearly weren't emotionally or financially in a position for.

The fact you had started to blend your kids and he has removed his daughter is a massive flag he doesn't see you as a family unit and its taken you 5 mths to realise.

This is all so toxic and dysfunctional. Honestly I would park any notions on a romantic relationship and get to grips with being a mother to two small kids. Focus on family support and stabilising the situation for your two.

Get rid. What a horrible man he is. There is just no need for this whatsoever. So hurtful and tbh downright weird.

Sorry to read, how awful it has been for you. I didn’t read all of your post, due to instant thought is…… why does he have to
have his DC at his mothers? Could it be he is not allowed to see his DC alone ??

The red flags were flying long before you had the baby. He was never going to be financially or emotionally committed to you and has no intentions of blending families. Sad but true. You would be better off dumping him.

You need to face up to the fact that there is no relationship and you are a single parent to two children now.

This was my first thought.. hope to god its not the case, but wondered if theres less supervision at his parents house than in a busy/small family home.

Maybe he hasn’t told social services about them.

It's not really about quality time, he's trying to get away from the newborn chaos. A 4 year old with help from his parents is easier. Just another disappointing man.

If you HAD to chose, being with your kid who understands it's Christmas makes 1000 times more sense than being with your tiny baby who barely knows whether its day or night, much less Christmas. Feeling he has to have one or the other makes no sense though.

Why isn’t your mum helping you? Where is your family and your DS dad in all this? You knew your current partner had a DD4 that he is responsible for and that Christmas would likely involve her grandparents on his side. You were invited to join them but refused because you don’t like his mum.

I can understand him wanting 1:1 time with his daughter, but to leave you alone (with a newborn) and a difficult birth from the 19th is unacceptable.

It doesn't sound like he understands the gravity of his decision, so it's hard to see a future when you're not getting an apology or any kind of remorse.

“Newborn chaos” they mostly eat, shit and sleep. They’re not that difficult.