AIBU - DP missed baby’s first Christmas to be with his DD4

[tizzy13]

How upset would you feel if your partner missed his baby’s first Christmas? Because apparently I’m overreacting and him and his mum think it’s normal to do this…

My partner has his daughter twice a month (every other weekend Friday-Sun) and he’s had her for Christmas this year. They go to his parents as he doesn’t want her at my house (despite me making it nice for them and buying bunk beds for my son and her) - don’t ask me why as honestly I’ve got no clue. He just says he wants 1-1 time with her he doesn’t get when here. But he’s continued to leave me when we just had a newborn discharged from NICU.

Our baby was born on 2nd October when I was 33weeks + 5 days pregnant due to baby stopping moving and going into distress - I had to have a CAT2 emergency section and spent 21 days in NICU. He is now about 5/6 weeks corrected developmentally so still acts like a newborn and it’s very hard for me to do anything as I am breastfeeding.

He left to go to his parents on Friday 19th for Christmas. His reasoning for going there is that the first year she’s got true understanding so wants 1-1 time with her over Christmas to make it special (she’s 4) I’ve offered over and over to have her here with us and her baby brother but no apparently he wouldn’t get enough quality time. I was planning to make Christmas really special for all 3 kids especially as his daughter adores her newest baby brother but barely gets to see him as we’re always left here whilst she stays at DP’s parents on his weekends.

He half heartedly said I can stop in at his parents for Christmas lunch a few weeks ago but I’ve said no as his mum doesn’t like Christmas, is always moody and doesn’t like a single crumb in her lounge or her house getting messy. I wouldn’t be comfortable and my son would not have an enjoyable Christmas as wouldn’t be able to play properly.

I woke up at 5am with my 12 week baby and older son. On my own. I’m breastfeeding on demand and my baby was born 7w premature so is extra needy.
All morning I had gotten whinging and crying. Just about managed to cook some kind of dinner but most of it was burnt as I couldn’t put baby down.
I delivered him, his parents and his daughters presents Christmas Eve but none of us had got presents from him or his family…

I feel like second best. He doesn’t care and I don’t feel like a priority at all. He says my baby won’t remember this Christmas so it doesn’t matter but it’s the principle.
I’ve just sat here all week feeling so hurt and angry plus having no adult contact on Christmas Day felt pretty crappy.

He’s not come home yet as I’ve expressed how hurt I am and said I don’t want to see him until I’ve rationalised.

Am I being unreasonable this or is this strange behaviour?! He thinks he’s done nothing wrong and keeps saying ‘just because I want to see my daughter you’re having a go at me’ etc and doesn’t see my side at all.

I’m trying. My sister is visiting from wales and they’ve been really supportive.

I can’t think of a reason. She was here from March to July every weekend no issues. But I’m going to have a conversation with his parents to see if there’s any info I’ve not been told.

Her Mum had her after his weekend 5-7th December from 7th until 19th to split the Christmas holidays up. Then she’ll have him until weekend after next so he’ll have her 9th and alternate weekends again.

I’m so sorry OP. This sounds really horrible for you, I genuinely cannot believe he left you alone with a newborn and of course your older son on Christmas Day when you are supposed to be a new family. It’s very odd that he doesn’t bring his daughter to your house do you know why? It’s as if he has 2 separate families that he doesn’t like to interact..Does her mum know about you and new baby etc? Just seems very strange.

I can’t believe there were no presents either, how awful. If I was in your shoes, I would solely focus on the 2 children you have, without him. Wishing you all the best for the new year :)

There needs to be calm conversation about arrangements going forward. 30 minutes each way really isn't anything at all (though appreciate it doesn't feel like it with a new born screaming ) For whatever reason, your partner has created a status quo where he sees his DD seperately. Perhaps DD was displaying challenging behaviour to her mum after being with your ds etc. My ds had massive meltdowns when he returned to me simply because he didn't like the situation he was in and that was the only way he could express it. Moving into a blended family at 4 with a new baby is hard work for a 4 yr old who tends to be egocentric and concrete in their thinking. Every other weekend can be hard for them as they naturally miss their own home and their own mum.
You'll need to understand and be understanding about what has created this. It's far bigger than just not spending Christmas with you. You're going to need to understand if the dd mum has threatened to withdraw contact completely etc. You don't have an ex in the picture so it's naturally going to be hard for you to understand just how much grief one person can cause another with these arrangements. Your partner lives with your ds and your new born, who knows what's been said to the DD or her parent . I've been the ex in this scenario and you truly wouldn't believe what my ds was being told by my ex husband... He married someone with older children and suddenly Christmas became all about massive presents for the older girls and what his new wife wanted 'their' Christmas to look like. The step mum insisted my 4 year old call her mum and these strange girls were his sister's. At my house ds was an only child not used to sharing space. Again, I reiterate that DD mum may not be being logical in her reactions but take a step back , take a deep breath and find out exactly what is going on rather than what you've been led to believe up until now.

This makes zero sense. When people have a baby they don’t dump it and the mum to spend 1/2/1 with an older child if theyre in the same family - blended or not. This is nuts. One of the weirdest things I’ve read on here.

i wouldn’t be letting him back in. He can stay at his mums permanently if he’s so concerned about being there on Xmas day and every other weekend! I’d be packing his clothing into black bags now.

Sorry OP, you are not a priority. Actions speak louder than words

What did you think it was going to be like when you got involved with a man who had 2 year old?

Did you think in two years time with a baby of your own added to the mix it would be one big happy blended family? That’s just very unrealistic. He’s got two kids under four with different women and he’s keen to keep things separate. He’s doesn’t want to bring his daughter back to a house with two other kids (one his / one not). He wants to take her to his Mummy’s where both him and his daughter probably get fussed over and weighted on hand and foot. At home he’ll have to help you and help with the other kids and he wants one on one time in a house where he’s not the adult.

He’s keeping all his baby mamas separate like a lot of blokes who like to spread their oats do. He doesn’t want to amalgamate the two families.

I wouldn’t accept it in a million years but I would run a mile when I met him and he said he had a two year old baby. You’re going to have this every other Christmas by the sounds of things.

OP you are framing this all in terms of the children. I would encourage you to think of it in terms of you, the adults.

He is right the baby won't remember, but you will, and he gave you no choice. There is huge lack of compassion and respect for you there. It's not about whether he is picking his daughter over the baby, it's that he has abandoned you to a pretty miserable and lonely Christmas at a very vulnerable time and he doesn't give a toss. It is not about whether or not he has bonded with the baby. You matter too, you should matter to him irrespective of his relationship to his baby and his daughter.

It is often said on MN that in blended families the children have to come first, but in this case it sounds like he is prioritising his own 1:1 time - his preference - over your wellbeing, and the other children's wellbeing. You told him that and he just dismissed you, your opinions, your comfort. I'm so sorry but what an absolutely selfish shit.

”I feel like second best.”

Oh, dear heart. You might be on to something there.
wakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeupwakeu

You’re giving someone permission to treat you badly. Don’t do that.

I'm glad you have family support. I really think you're going to need it very soon. Please get rid of the asshole before he gets worse.

The only reason I can think of why he would want to take his DD to his parents is, he has agreed to do so at the request of her mother.

When her mother asks where she's been and who she's been with, a four-year old would answer truthfully, wouldn't she? Even if she'd be sworn to secrecy, she'd slip up and excitedly talk about a game she played with your son, or similar. She'd drop her dad right in it. But why would he agree not not take her to his home, to her baby brother?

I'm suspicious about the timing. I think it's possible it's coincidental with starting school, and actually to do with the birth of her baby brother.

You said "his daughter adores her newest baby brother but barely gets to see him as we’re always left here whilst she stays at DP’s parents on his weekends." I wonder if she talked about the baby a lot, and this pissed her mother off. She doesn't want to hear it. She's just unilaterally halved DP's access time from every week to every fortnight, which she can do because they "Never went through court". Could she have threatened cutting off access altogether if he brings her to your home?

BUT - even if my imagined scenario were right, he would be handling this VERY badly. He has kept you out of the loop, and this is distressing for you. It also wouldn't explain

1. Him not buying Christmas presents for you, DS and baby
2. His family not buying Christmas presents for you, DS and baby, given you've been together two years and baby is their grandson
3. Him thinking he’s done nothing wrong
4. His mother thinking that "it’s normal" to abandon your partner and preemie baby for a week over Christmas
5. Why you "pay most of the bills"
6. His completely unsatisfactory 'reason' for his behaviour
7. Why he's never gone to court to establish access, nor objected to his informally-agreed access being halved
8. His ex 'giving' him both Christmas and Boxing Day, the whole week

I'm sorry OP, I'm really trying to fathom some sort of logical reason for his unreasonable behaviour but I just cannot make it make sense.

Absolute insanity to have a baby in this situation. I wouldn’t bother sitting them down, why on earth don’t you know the reasons for this stupidity by now? You’re on a hiding to nothing. Leave him and get on with life. It’ll never work.

So his parents didn't buy christmas gifts for their new Grandchild? He didn't think you may need help over christmas? He didn't buy his new child any christmas presents?
Or you? Or you ds/ his dsc?
I would be having a sit down with them all and with your parents there for support, to ask some v serious questions about everything. Then i would suggest ending this relationship, the whole situatiob is extremely off and strange. Sorry its sad for you but get rid

I'm sorry you've been treated so badly 😢
I think your DP is being blackmailed by his ex. He can only see his DD under strict criteria and you and your sons are not part of that.
His reasoning and spending time with his miserable mother don't make sense but he feels unable to explain to you.
You said the contact with his daughter is not via a court order. I think he feels vulnerable and stuck between a rock and a hard place but decided not being with his son as so young, was the better option.

You knew he had children when you got together with him. Of course he wants to be with his 4yr old for Christmas, sorry to be blunt here but your new baby doesn’t have a clue what Christmas is but at 4 years old, this will be the first Christmas that they get excited and writing a letter to Santa etc etc. YABVU. His older children must always come first

This is absolute bs. "His older children must always come first". No, all of his children should come first.
And you must have missed the part where he left OP and baby for an entire week in a vulnerable position at Christmas and didn't even bother to get them any presents. Where's the justification for that?

I'm afraid there is only ever one answer to this, unpalatable as it is.

He is just not that in to you op.

I know, it's insanity given that he happily got you pregnant, but it's sadly not uncommon.

I would just save your dignity now and walk away. You will never be a priority, neither will your child.

100% this !!
can we not blame the woman who has just had a baby and also just been abandoned at last minute over Xmas for a week please. The only person to blame here is the DP who has acted abhorrently and communicated even worse.

@Moveoverdarlin i agree with most of what you say in terms of why this may have happened and complexities of a blended family BUT none of this has been explained to OP. The partner hasn’t said I will be going away for Xmas because dd is really struggling and needs me right now or is acting out with her mother, or dd mum doesn’t want her at our house - surely an explanation would make things so much better. Whilst completely plausible that the dd mother is “behind” this - it’s his job as someone who has decided to have two kids under four to make that work as best he can for all his children and his current partner.

As for this comment “What did you think it was going to be like when you got involved with a man who had 2 year old” - the answer is - probably not spending a week over Xmas without her partner and a 12 week old baby not long discharged from NICU who hasn’t been acknowledged over Xmas by their partner or their gps.

Blended families Ofc be challenging but lots of people manage to make it work or at least approach the difficult times with better than what this man is doing. OP doesn’t deserve to be treated badly/ shouldn’t have expected to be treated badly because she met an adult who had another child and they both planned to have another child.

He wants DD to have a fun Christmas so takes her to his mum who doesn’t like Christmas. I’d run for the hills! This little girl should feel involved in the blender family

Thing is OP his family see you and your child as the new kids on the block, they have an established relationship with the 4 year old and her Mother and you’re still in the newbie camp. It was mad to have a baby so soon.

Something isn’t adding up.
Are you certain he doesn’t still have involvement with the child’s mother, and doesn’t want anyone else to land him in it?

It’s not unreasonable for him to spend Xmas day with his 4yr old over your 12 week old. The 4 yr old will remember him not being there, the baby won’t.

Pretty much all of the other stuff IS unreasonable and he sounds like an awful partner to you.
cut your losses and move on. He doesn’t sound like he’s a good partner, maybe he’ll be a better dad

This

I know this will sound harsh, but he's shown his feelings and they're not at all for you (his partner) or your new baby (his own flesh and blood).
I think you need to remove his stuff from your home, get someone to take it to his mums house. Change your locks (you can have this done for safety reasons as a council tennant, he has no right to be there, your name being on the tenancy). Is he on the birth certificate? If so, seek legal advice on how to reduce his custodial rights (and his mother) in case it turns nasty. He doesn't give a damn or he'd be there more than he is for your child at the very least.

If you're together and have a child, there is absolutely no reason to not blend families from previous relationships. He's likely with his daughter's mum, not where he says over Christmas.
I'm sorry this is happening. You and your children deserve better. New year, new start. You've got this. X

Except that the suggestion was confirmed as correct, by OP.