AIBU - DP missed baby’s first Christmas to be with his DD4

[tizzy13]

How upset would you feel if your partner missed his baby’s first Christmas? Because apparently I’m overreacting and him and his mum think it’s normal to do this…

My partner has his daughter twice a month (every other weekend Friday-Sun) and he’s had her for Christmas this year. They go to his parents as he doesn’t want her at my house (despite me making it nice for them and buying bunk beds for my son and her) - don’t ask me why as honestly I’ve got no clue. He just says he wants 1-1 time with her he doesn’t get when here. But he’s continued to leave me when we just had a newborn discharged from NICU.

Our baby was born on 2nd October when I was 33weeks + 5 days pregnant due to baby stopping moving and going into distress - I had to have a CAT2 emergency section and spent 21 days in NICU. He is now about 5/6 weeks corrected developmentally so still acts like a newborn and it’s very hard for me to do anything as I am breastfeeding.

He left to go to his parents on Friday 19th for Christmas. His reasoning for going there is that the first year she’s got true understanding so wants 1-1 time with her over Christmas to make it special (she’s 4) I’ve offered over and over to have her here with us and her baby brother but no apparently he wouldn’t get enough quality time. I was planning to make Christmas really special for all 3 kids especially as his daughter adores her newest baby brother but barely gets to see him as we’re always left here whilst she stays at DP’s parents on his weekends.

He half heartedly said I can stop in at his parents for Christmas lunch a few weeks ago but I’ve said no as his mum doesn’t like Christmas, is always moody and doesn’t like a single crumb in her lounge or her house getting messy. I wouldn’t be comfortable and my son would not have an enjoyable Christmas as wouldn’t be able to play properly.

I woke up at 5am with my 12 week baby and older son. On my own. I’m breastfeeding on demand and my baby was born 7w premature so is extra needy.
All morning I had gotten whinging and crying. Just about managed to cook some kind of dinner but most of it was burnt as I couldn’t put baby down.
I delivered him, his parents and his daughters presents Christmas Eve but none of us had got presents from him or his family…

I feel like second best. He doesn’t care and I don’t feel like a priority at all. He says my baby won’t remember this Christmas so it doesn’t matter but it’s the principle.
I’ve just sat here all week feeling so hurt and angry plus having no adult contact on Christmas Day felt pretty crappy.

He’s not come home yet as I’ve expressed how hurt I am and said I don’t want to see him until I’ve rationalised.

Am I being unreasonable this or is this strange behaviour?! He thinks he’s done nothing wrong and keeps saying ‘just because I want to see my daughter you’re having a go at me’ etc and doesn’t see my side at all.

Agreed. I assumed this thread would be about a man who was driving across the country to see his DC at Christmas and I would have said it was reasonable to prioritise a 4yo. This is clearly not the case and YANBU to feel so hurt, especially when being left home alone with a little baby.

Do you have your own family that you could have spent Christmas with? I’d be prioritising those relationships from now on and bin off your cock lodger.

But she didn’t have to be home alone and wasn’t home alone. She was invited to go too and OP’s mum and other family even came by.

This is the reality of a blended family. Parents have obligations to their children from prior relationships.

If I'm reading this right you haven't had any contact with his DD since July? This coincides with her starting school, and you have a DS the same age who was sharing a bedroom and bunk beds with his DD. That on its own sounds like DD mum had kicked off about something in the existing arrangements to make him change the location to his parents house. It doesn't have to be true or logical, but the DD mum has a problem with something to do with DD spending.overnights at your home.
Then, add a pregnancy, and however many weeks you were in NICU (that's hard, I've been in that situation) who was looking after ds during that time ? The reality now is that your partner would have two 4 year olds and a new born in the house. Does he come under grief from his dd's mum about how she wants things to be for her DD (given that your same age ds lives with your partner presumably most of the time) It sounds to me like he doesn't want to blend the children's lives or he's coming under considerable stress from his ex to keep the children seperate. Some exes become extremely volatile when their child's parent appears to have a 'new' family.
Believe me, I'm not excusing what he's done, but he's ended up in an impossible juggling act where you feel rejected for your children yet he's trying to keep his commitment to his DD whilst (possibly) coming under fire from her mother as well.
Christmas/new born/ two 4 year olds/different opinions on where one parent should be was always going to be a recipe for disaster. Add your financial difficulties and he's in full flight mode.
I'd suggest a calm discussion after new year about the way forward before thinking it's all got to end in a mess. Plus, your emotions are going to be all over the place due to the birth etc.

He’s not a partner.

Were you reason for the split from his daughter’s mother? He doesn’t have much staying power if he already has children with someone else and his daughter is only 4. I guess you can look at the post or, when your son is 4 he will spend the whole Christmas period with him as he thinks children only need parents when they are 4.

He left to go to his parents on 19th and she was invited on the 25th. So even if she had gone, she was left home alone for quite a few days. There doesn't seem to be any good reason why he couldn't have spent some of that time with both his children.

I assume that the routine would be similar when his 4 y.o visits, all hands on deck, entertaining two 4 year old children, where is the special time with DD1. It sound's like he spends a lot of time on the other 24 days of the month giving your 4 y.o special time.
I think it's always very unfair to the weekend child in this setup.
Do the 4 years like each other even? Do they want to share a home? A bedroom?
For some reason DD1 doesn't want to go to your home.
He is unreasonable for leaving you for the week.

big jump from every 2nd weekend. 😒

One of the most sensible and well balanced posts I think I’ve read on Mumsnet.

The man is a moron. The point isn't whether the new baby will remember the day, but that you need support caring for 2 kids postpartum. You've done more than enough to try and accommodate him and his DD.

He had already spent from birth to 12 weeks with the baby, and you’re begrudging him 1 week with his 4 yo DD? He would have been back on the 26th Boxing Day except OP told him don’t come home because she’s too upset.

Thank goodness you have family that are rightly appalled at his behaviour.
Stop allowing him to live off you.
Put in for CM and keep this loser out of your home.
You deserve better, so do your poor children.
Don't be used by this loser.

Thank goodness you have family that are rightly appalled at his behaviour.
Stop allowing him to live off you.
Put in for CM and keep this loser out of your home.
You deserve better, so do your poor children.
Don't be used by this loser.

OP said she has plenty of support from her side of the family and has described them coming over to hers over Christmas. He stuck with her from birth to 3mo old baby, he just wanted 1 week with his 4 yo DD at Christmas.

I know I’m a minority opinion, but no one is thinking of his daughter that he hardly ever sees. He sees OP’s 4yo DS loads more than his own daughter.

This. Sorry lovely. You need to sit him down and set out your red lines. If he’s not prepared to meet you at them, you’re better off without him.

@tizzy13 sorry you’re going through this. The whole set up as many have said sounds strange. I completely understand (and applaud) him wanting 1:1 time with his daughter but surely he can carve out 1:1 time with his dd whilst at your house every other weekend and surely it’s not 1:1 daddy daughter time if he’s at his own mother’s house. Something v strange there. Also your son was planned - did he ever mention during your pregnancy that he wanted this kind of arrangement ? I’m sure you would have thought twice about it if he had.

Re Xmas again I appreciate the four year old will appreciate Xmas more than a 12 weeker but if what you say is correct and his dd gets on well with your ds surely it would have been so much more fun for them to spend it together opening presents and playing etc. he could have taken his dd to his mums for the Xmas afternoon or for the whole day or Boxing Day. There should at least have been an agreement between you as a couple as to what worked best rather than hik unilaterally deciding he was leaving you alone for a week. Now I’m not one for Xmas or birthday presents but surely after everything you’ve been through (and with the knowledge that he was planning Xmas day without you) he’d have made an effort for a Xmas present for you and the boys.

Really struggling to justify his actions and I think there is more to the keeping kids seperate than he is letting know. Ultimately if his plan is to not blend the families ever it seems v unlikely for the relationship to be able to work. Please let yourself be looked after and lean on support from your family at this time. Hope your littlelest one is doing ok x

Yes his DD4 was likely told his new partner needed him more for months and months because of the new baby but that he could make up for it by having a special 7 days of Christmas with her.

Op - I don't think it's an easy situation. You, of course, have a lot of important points. But I also do feel bad for his daughter, and I can see that he is trying to be a good Dad to her, even though he may be doing it in an awkward, and not well through through way.

Personally - I think you should have come to his parents' place for Xmas. Even if you don't quite like his mom - this is what happens at Xmas - couples go from one set of GP to other. Or - you invite them over, but with a new baby, this was not quite on the books.

I tend to agree with prioritising DD4 over baby for Xmas, if one needs to chose. I also don't quite understand why your own parents only stopped by for Xmas, rather than inviting your over and helping in a bigger way, given that your bf's plans were not news announced on the day. It takes a village to raise children - why is it only him in your village, why are your parents not helping more?

While not entirely helpful, you knew this and had a child with this man?

Sounds like he does what he wants, when he wants.

Probably time to consider what he brings to your life? Would life be easier without him in it?

If his DD hasn’t slept over at yours since July then I’d be questioning if something happened to make her / her mum not want her to stay at yours?

Yeah I think I’m going to sit him and go parents down and explain it’s not working and try and get a reasonable explanation as to why he wants our families to be separate. At least if I involve the grandparents they can tell me any information he has potentially left out.

My DS and his DD get on SO well, they have similar interests and my DS is always always excited if I say we’re going to see her. They are quite hyper together but that’s to be expected for their age and I actually find it easier when they play together to tend to the baby as my DS is playing happily with her than demanding things off me and trying to share me all the time. But I can’t keep travelling 30 mins and back to go there to see her, the journey is quite stressful as my 12 week old hates the car and will just scream.

If we can’t make plans to blend our families we’ll have to separate as it’s too confusing on my DS. He’s never had a father figure as his ‘Dad’ left me when I was pregnant. So he’s always asking where my DP is.. hopefully I can get through to him that this isn’t working. And my littlest will struggle moving forwards to be l without his Father 2 weekends a month as he gets older too! I don’t think he is future proofing or thinking long term, where as I’m always trying to plan in advance for things. Thank you for being kind xx

if time with his dd was so important, why isn’t he pushing for 50/50 responsibility?

Does he work OP?

honestly this is dead in the water. He has left you for a week whilst you are vulnerable with your hands full at Christmas time.? There is no forgiving him. The fact he can’t even see the problem tells you the SCALE OF THE PROBLEM.

Please do yourself and your kids a massive favour. Change the locks, ditch his stuff in bin bags and tell him to collect it. File for maintenance and be done with him.

his bullshit will ruin your life.

Moving to a bigger house, bigger rent, bigger council tax is probably the last thing Op wants to do right now.
She has to be prepared for this relationship not lasting and her raising her two children alone.
She has about 8 years before she needs to worry about her two sharing a room (if its 2 boys then shes good for a lot longer).

Unfortunately my parents believed I was going to be with DP until plans got changed the week before Christmas and they were spending their Christmas with a family member who I am no contact with for reasons I don’t wish to share on here x

Op You have to look after yourself, and lean on your own family if possible.

Op could there be a reason he isn't allowed to bring his DD to your house?

Something sounds fishy about the lenght of time he had her over Christmas too, when did her Mum see her?