AIBU - DP missed baby’s first Christmas to be with his DD4

[tizzy13]

How upset would you feel if your partner missed his baby’s first Christmas? Because apparently I’m overreacting and him and his mum think it’s normal to do this…

My partner has his daughter twice a month (every other weekend Friday-Sun) and he’s had her for Christmas this year. They go to his parents as he doesn’t want her at my house (despite me making it nice for them and buying bunk beds for my son and her) - don’t ask me why as honestly I’ve got no clue. He just says he wants 1-1 time with her he doesn’t get when here. But he’s continued to leave me when we just had a newborn discharged from NICU.

Our baby was born on 2nd October when I was 33weeks + 5 days pregnant due to baby stopping moving and going into distress - I had to have a CAT2 emergency section and spent 21 days in NICU. He is now about 5/6 weeks corrected developmentally so still acts like a newborn and it’s very hard for me to do anything as I am breastfeeding.

He left to go to his parents on Friday 19th for Christmas. His reasoning for going there is that the first year she’s got true understanding so wants 1-1 time with her over Christmas to make it special (she’s 4) I’ve offered over and over to have her here with us and her baby brother but no apparently he wouldn’t get enough quality time. I was planning to make Christmas really special for all 3 kids especially as his daughter adores her newest baby brother but barely gets to see him as we’re always left here whilst she stays at DP’s parents on his weekends.

He half heartedly said I can stop in at his parents for Christmas lunch a few weeks ago but I’ve said no as his mum doesn’t like Christmas, is always moody and doesn’t like a single crumb in her lounge or her house getting messy. I wouldn’t be comfortable and my son would not have an enjoyable Christmas as wouldn’t be able to play properly.

I woke up at 5am with my 12 week baby and older son. On my own. I’m breastfeeding on demand and my baby was born 7w premature so is extra needy.
All morning I had gotten whinging and crying. Just about managed to cook some kind of dinner but most of it was burnt as I couldn’t put baby down.
I delivered him, his parents and his daughters presents Christmas Eve but none of us had got presents from him or his family…

I feel like second best. He doesn’t care and I don’t feel like a priority at all. He says my baby won’t remember this Christmas so it doesn’t matter but it’s the principle.
I’ve just sat here all week feeling so hurt and angry plus having no adult contact on Christmas Day felt pretty crappy.

He’s not come home yet as I’ve expressed how hurt I am and said I don’t want to see him until I’ve rationalised.

Am I being unreasonable this or is this strange behaviour?! He thinks he’s done nothing wrong and keeps saying ‘just because I want to see my daughter you’re having a go at me’ etc and doesn’t see my side at all.

End it now before DS4 becomes too attached. And please don't let the next one get you pregnant.

How old is your eldest son?

Wow. This is absolutely shocking. WTF is wrong with him?!
He didn’t even bother with presents?!
You are not overreacting. This man isn’t for you. I’m sorry he’s treating you like. He needs to go, now.

When you talk about how well his DD and your son get on I wonder if he feels left out and jealous. Like you 3 are the family and he on the outskirts. Could that be why he started seeing her at his mum's to have 1 to 1 bonding?

YANBU but for the wrong reason. His baby DS will have no clue and the 'First Christmas' shite is just marketing.

However, he is BVVU leaving you to handle the demands of Christmas along with sole care of your newborn and another child, especially when you've said his DD can come to your house. He gets all the 1:1 time he wants, presumably because he's being waited on hand and foot by his parents, but you are denied? Selfish.

I just wanted to say I’m so sorry that this is how you’re being treated. My two DC are similar ages, youngest nine weeks and also cesarean, so I know how full on things can be, and I am appalled that you’re not being better looked after. What a selfish arse your DP is. I hope things improve soon and you’re better supported. He needs a head wobble as I’m not sure I could get past this

He’s not unreasonable to want to spend Christmas with his DD.

But your whole set up is not right. Did you plan your DC together? It’s odd - and deeply horrid for you - that he doesn’t want his DD at your house.

That’s what needs probing. It’s not good that he wants to keep his DD separate from your DC and the child you share. Is his DD overwhelmed by your DC?

His DD needs considering here.

What an arsehole.

I’m so sorry, but he’s not a “partner”

The cycle continues. Indeed, focus on your kids.

Again and again and again and again, yet women keep on doing it

Hope you’re doing OK OP.

Just to clarify your boyfriend left your home on the 19th December to go stay at his parents for Christmas. Then 5 days later invites you over for Christmas Day lunch?

Now you plan to sit down with him and his parents to try to make him understand why leaving you to struggle at home with your new born baby was inconsiderate and hurtful.

What you’ve had confirmed is that you have no influence over this man. Unlike a previous poster who mentioned that her husband hasn’t spoken to his family in over 6 years, you unfortunately don’t have that influence. Before your DC was born you didn’t have influence we know this because he pulled away from your family by taking DD to GP for weekend stays, you were not involved in the consultation not even as a sounding board. The birth of your DC has made no difference to your influence over this man.

Apologies if I sound conceited and rather Macbethian but women need to have a level of influence over a man for a relationship to work.

Women mistakenly think they can gain that influence by having a child with the man, but oddly enough it’s the one thing least likely to give it to you hence why you see lots of single mothers where the Dad has no influence/involvement in the child’s live. You’re more likely to get influence over a man with marriage as opposed to having their children.

Best course of action is to hang up your hat; chasing this man, trying to reason with him is going to exhaust you because he was never yours in the first place.

You’ve done it with your first child you can do it again. Stay strong this will pass.Hopefully by Christmas 2026 this memory will be a blip. And next time don’t have a baby with a man until his put a ring on it.

@tizzy13

I got as far as this post and had to comment. I can’t believe what I’m reading!!

I totally agree with the me post you’re replying to, and with your mum, and you.

He’s left you for about a week on your own in that situation when you really needed support not to be abandoned. On purpose, with no consideration for while you’ve been abandoned to fend for yourself. And he totally thinks that is ok to do!! Wow. Just wow.

This/he is not going to get any better.

Personally I’d tell him not to bother coming back!!

@tizzy13

OK, so I’ve read all the posts.

I still think future you would regret keeping this selfish man child around.

Sorry OP!

The whole situation sounds a mess, 3 children with various combinations of parents, you got pregnant early on in the relationship if you have only been togather 2 years, your partner isn't showing much interest in the baby and is keeping his DD away from you. Be prepared to be a single parent OP, it's certainly heading that way and your DH is going to be an absent father.

@tizzy13

This.

Hope you’re doing ok, OP? It’ll be tough, but you’ll get through it!

The thing being, the contact he's had with his DD over Christmas is very normal for children of divorce. I used to (court ordered) have to hand my ds over on boxing day until new year every year. Unfortunately, your partner has somehow introduced into the mix that he's also seeing this little girl separately. Had I had more children with someone else then my ds would never have been in my home over Christmas because that was the contact ordered in court. Conversely, ds step mum was forced to have a child who wasn't hers in her home every Christmas and her daughter's were much older, that caused a different kind of issue.
You need to all sit down if you want this to work and find out how contact is going to be managed going forwards. If you seperate, then you'll be handing over another young child to him, possibly even on the weekends he doesn't have his dd, possibly to also be taken to his parents for contact and your ds will be with you 24/7 whilst his half siblings are away. That's the reality for the children when the arrangements don't work or one of the parents of the original partnership decides that contact HAS to go a particular way and then the 'non resident' parent also has commitments to others which they can't sustain.
It's extremely difficult and requires your partner to parent his children regardless of any other relationships, which it seems right now he's just not doing.
Do you have any info on what he was like with his DD as a baby? My ex checked out at birth, didn't want to know at all, had an affair and we divorced when ds was two. I stayed single for 17 years because of the way he behaved!
Take some time, you've had other trauma and it's not an easy set of decisions to make

I'd be fuming. Either you're family or you're not.

Sorry it's got to this awful stage. Don't let them de-invite him tomorrow or it will only deepen the divide. There might be some things he hasn't explained which could justify his weird take on step brother and sistering?? The lack of presents for you is beyond weird.

OP had a 2 year old child when they met.
It's not all one sided.
Vulnerable people all around

If he thought of you two as a partnership he would never have left you on your own on Xmas Day with a young prem baby and your son. Both he and his parents are being TOTALLY unreasonable

Huge red flag…. So what’s your son? Your DP doesn’t consider him his step son? Doesn’t love him? Doesn’t want to buy him anything or spend anytime with him over Christmas?

Also what mother hands her child over on 19th December and doesn’t see her again till after Christmas? Are you sure his ex isn’t also staying at the grandparents and they’re trying to work things out?

Sorry id be telling him you have no issue with him seeing his daughter BUT the fact he’s left you and your sons alone to cope for a week and given you NO consideration at all says everything you need to know… ask him to move out asap

So basically since his DD’s mum found out about your pregnancy (or there about) she has reduced his contact to fortnightly and I’m assuming has kicked up a fuss about him not spending enough quality time with his DD. I understand to a point, if prior to this he never saw his DD 1:1 because you and your DS were always around.

I don’t think this needed to turn into a straight up avoidance of time with you and now his DD’s half sibling too. Of course they will need to form some sort of relationship, it’s pretty cruel not to. Also bizarre his family didn’t buy your DC gifts… Do they have anything to do with their new grandchild at all?

You sound fairly financially stable and work full time in a decent career, I’d honestly just split.

You’re plain nasty!
He has a baby too… a prem baby!…. You don’t get to just parent one child and leave your partner to struggle! Let’s not forget OP also has a 4 year old, so she struggled alone with a 4 year old and a Prem baby!
There was absolutely no reason why he needed a whole week of 1:1 with his DD… he could have had his DD at OP’s house and actually helped her! He’s the selfish entitled one … opting to be at his parents house so he didn’t have to lift a finger to help OP!