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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DP missed baby’s first Christmas to be with his DD4

254 replies

tizzy13 · 28/12/2025 19:49

How upset would you feel if your partner missed his baby’s first Christmas? Because apparently I’m overreacting and him and his mum think it’s normal to do this…

My partner has his daughter twice a month (every other weekend Friday-Sun) and he’s had her for Christmas this year. They go to his parents as he doesn’t want her at my house (despite me making it nice for them and buying bunk beds for my son and her) - don’t ask me why as honestly I’ve got no clue. He just says he wants 1-1 time with her he doesn’t get when here. But he’s continued to leave me when we just had a newborn discharged from NICU.

Our baby was born on 2nd October when I was 33weeks + 5 days pregnant due to baby stopping moving and going into distress - I had to have a CAT2 emergency section and spent 21 days in NICU. He is now about 5/6 weeks corrected developmentally so still acts like a newborn and it’s very hard for me to do anything as I am breastfeeding.

He left to go to his parents on Friday 19th for Christmas. His reasoning for going there is that the first year she’s got true understanding so wants 1-1 time with her over Christmas to make it special (she’s 4) I’ve offered over and over to have her here with us and her baby brother but no apparently he wouldn’t get enough quality time. I was planning to make Christmas really special for all 3 kids especially as his daughter adores her newest baby brother but barely gets to see him as we’re always left here whilst she stays at DP’s parents on his weekends.

He half heartedly said I can stop in at his parents for Christmas lunch a few weeks ago but I’ve said no as his mum doesn’t like Christmas, is always moody and doesn’t like a single crumb in her lounge or her house getting messy. I wouldn’t be comfortable and my son would not have an enjoyable Christmas as wouldn’t be able to play properly.

I woke up at 5am with my 12 week baby and older son. On my own. I’m breastfeeding on demand and my baby was born 7w premature so is extra needy.
All morning I had gotten whinging and crying. Just about managed to cook some kind of dinner but most of it was burnt as I couldn’t put baby down.
I delivered him, his parents and his daughters presents Christmas Eve but none of us had got presents from him or his family…

I feel like second best. He doesn’t care and I don’t feel like a priority at all. He says my baby won’t remember this Christmas so it doesn’t matter but it’s the principle.
I’ve just sat here all week feeling so hurt and angry plus having no adult contact on Christmas Day felt pretty crappy.

He’s not come home yet as I’ve expressed how hurt I am and said I don’t want to see him until I’ve rationalised.

Am I being unreasonable this or is this strange behaviour?! He thinks he’s done nothing wrong and keeps saying ‘just because I want to see my daughter you’re having a go at me’ etc and doesn’t see my side at all.

OP posts:
Cando6 · 28/12/2025 20:38

Babies are hard work. This way he gets to go to his mums and get looked after and only have one child to deal with.
It’s awful that he left you alone with such a tiny baby. He’s not considering you at all.
None of this is great. You’ve moved in a man and had a baby with him in 2 years
It takes 2 years for a relationship to settle. You need to stand up for yourself. Tell him it’s not good enough for you. There are 3 children to consider and he needs to step up.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/12/2025 20:44

This is so odd that I’ll throw something else in to the mix..is your baby definitely his? Because he’s tactually like he’s not.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/12/2025 20:45

*acting

aloris · 28/12/2025 20:50

Did he stop bringing his daughter to your house before he found out you were pregnant? Or after he found out?

Tinsles · 28/12/2025 20:50

.

Tinsles · 28/12/2025 20:51

OP, sort out contraception because you have afflicted a total arse on your son and his own child.

He is suiting himself and avoiding parenting.
Much easier to be at his mums with one child.

As for him living off you at yours?
Where is your self respect?
He is a real loser.

waterrat · 28/12/2025 20:51

Im really sorry OP my heart goes out to you reading this. Struggling through the day on your own at christmas with a recently preemie newborn.

You must be exhausted - what support do you have? big hugs to you

It sounds like he is completely ducking out of family life I'm afraid. He should be part of a properly blended family for this to work - where he parents the newborn with full commitment and involves his older children as a normal family.

Vanishing on the 19th is just acting as though you are not really his family -

sorry to say but it sounds like he doesn't feel committed to you and your baby and I wonder if he regrets it.

He is incredibly selfish - whatever the circumstances - to leave you alone for 10 days with a newborn.

I would be lookign at how you can survive without him tbh as he sounds very unreliable.

waterrat · 28/12/2025 20:53

I think posters here need to use their kind words! this is a mum with a tiny baby on her own. Remember there is a real person reading this when you comment.

usedtobeaylis · 28/12/2025 21:00

He is doing a very bad job of balancing and reconciling all his responsibilities. You don't really have a choice but to have it out with him. Don't drag your children through his nonsense.

FiatLuxAdAstra · 28/12/2025 21:01

I think you’re unreasonable.
What is so odd about him prioritising the child that was born before he met you and wanting to do Christmas with her and her grandparents?

Your older son is your and your ex’s responsibility to provide a good Christmas to, not his responsibility.

The newborn isn’t even aware of Christmas, so of course a 4yo child he already has is more important.

You were invited to join them, but refused.

Why haven’t you made plans to take yourself & DS to his grandparents? Or DS to his dad’s house?

I don’t think your partner’s behaviour is strange at all. He has a 4yo DD and it’s his turn to have her for Christmas. I’d think less of him if he abandoned her for a 12 week old baby that can’t even tell night from day.

viques · 28/12/2025 21:08

I think they “go to his parents” not for him to have 121 with his dd but because his parents probably do most, if not all of the parenting and caring, cooking, cleaning, entertaining, chatting to a 4 year old, clearing up after her etc etc etc. Whereas at home he would have the 4 year old, the elder child and the tiny baby to parent, care for, clean up, entertain, cook for, chat to, play with etc etc etc.

Just my thoughts.

TheTwenties · 28/12/2025 21:09

When you met where was he living? What does he do for a living? Prior to Mat leave what was the split of household responsibilities?

Mrsclausemunchingonamincepie · 28/12/2025 21:12

Sorry but sadly he isn't (in his eyes) in a committed relationship with you.
He needs imo to take all of his belongings to his dp's tomorrow and stay there.. Claim cms. And face the fact you are a single dm.

falalalalaaaah · 28/12/2025 21:14

I’d be done op.
What will it be next year, an invite for you and your/his baby but not your son?
The whole family sound weird, his parents have a new baby grandchild that they’ve ignored all Christmas!
Whatever the issue he should have at the least told you the truth.
He clearly has no respect for you and if I were you I’d have none to him.
Whatever you do, don’t put him on your tenancy agreement.

nomoremsniceperson · 28/12/2025 21:17

viques · 28/12/2025 21:08

I think they “go to his parents” not for him to have 121 with his dd but because his parents probably do most, if not all of the parenting and caring, cooking, cleaning, entertaining, chatting to a 4 year old, clearing up after her etc etc etc. Whereas at home he would have the 4 year old, the elder child and the tiny baby to parent, care for, clean up, entertain, cook for, chat to, play with etc etc etc.

Just my thoughts.

100% this

JacobsCreamCrackered · 28/12/2025 21:21

I know it's easier said than done but to make this work I would look into moving to a property where you can have a joint tenancy and the children can have their own rooms. Maybe part of the issue is that it's your home and bunk beds in your sons room doesn't feel right to him? Also it's possible that his daughter's grandparents are suggesting contact should be with them so they don't lose time with her either? Or even the daughter's mother having a say?

The lack of gift would really upset me, especially as he wasn't spending the day with you.

SantasNewLittleHelper · 28/12/2025 21:22

I find it even more odd that his parents don’t seem bothered about seeing their new grandchild at Christmas…

I can understand he wants to have one on one time with his daughter. At 4 it’s a special age for Christmas, babies won’t know what’s going on but it is so so weird you aren’t included in the wider plans with his daughter and parents.

I was with someone like this. Always the back of the queue and it never changed, I wouldn’t expect him to change now he has a son with you if he hasn’t already.

Mumptynumpty · 28/12/2025 21:22

It's not 1:1 time is it, his mum is there. It's just excluding you?

He doesn't want you present. Believe him.

You deserve so much more.

silverwrath · 28/12/2025 21:24

tizzy13 · 28/12/2025 20:00

Just to also clarify up until around July I would have her here every weekend and then contact changed with his ex to every other weekend and that’s when he decided to have her at his parents. Still haven’t really got a clue why he just says he wants that quality time as he hardly sees her and wants to make the most of it. I’m a qualified teacher so am great with kids, no reason why she shouldn’t be here.

The house is a rented council house and in my name and I pay most of the bills he’s not on the tenancy.

Show quote history

Does he live with you? How committed to the relationship can he be if you are the sole tenant and pay most of the bills.

What exactly is he bringing to the table?

Apart from a new baby. That you care for.

And a reluctance to blend your families.

OpheliaNightingale · 28/12/2025 21:26

@tizzy13sounds like he’s going to have another failed relationship/be part-time dad to yet another child before too long.
Awful behaviour, how dare he opt out of family life leaving you to do it all!

Strawberry53 · 28/12/2025 21:27

This is an awful awful way to treat you. To have to spend Christmas on your own with a newborn and your other child in tow with no help is such a huge ask!! I can’t believe what I’ve just read to be honest.

Of course 1 on 1 time is important and great he knows this, but surely there can be exceptions made for certain things like bloody Christmas for one! Also what future has this relationship if he doesn’t want his child to spend any time with you or their half sibling?! None of this makes any logical sense and I would struggle to continue in this relationship if I were in your shoes. You sound like a lovely person who deserves a lot more than this. Do you have any family nearby? What’s his relationship with your family like?

Debbie196 · 28/12/2025 21:29

My immediate thought was also that he has to have supervised contact. I suggest you do a Claire’s Law check with the police, just to be sure.

Original poster
tizzy13 · 28/12/2025 21:31

Strawberry53 · 28/12/2025 21:27

This is an awful awful way to treat you. To have to spend Christmas on your own with a newborn and your other child in tow with no help is such a huge ask!! I can’t believe what I’ve just read to be honest.

Of course 1 on 1 time is important and great he knows this, but surely there can be exceptions made for certain things like bloody Christmas for one! Also what future has this relationship if he doesn’t want his child to spend any time with you or their half sibling?! None of this makes any logical sense and I would struggle to continue in this relationship if I were in your shoes. You sound like a lovely person who deserves a lot more than this. Do you have any family nearby? What’s his relationship with your family like?

Thank you, I’m glad someone sees it from my perspective. I’m not being selfish or anything it’s just I really struggle to balance my children’s needs when alone, when he’s here he will help with my DS4 whilst I feed the baby or take a shower or something. It feels impossible on my own.
I do have my family support and they are APPALLED by his behaviour. My parents dropped by on Christmas Day to deliver presents and my Mum was in tears seeing me struggling on my own, she is so beyond angry with him. They had a good relationship before this but now his actions have tainted it.
We had a New Year’s Day meal planned with my family - sisters, cousins, parents and children which my parents were kindly paying for our meal as we are struggling financially, he is quite rightly uninvited now. X

OP posts:
CinnamonBuns67 · 28/12/2025 21:32

This isn't normal OP. I'd be demanding to know why he doesn't want his DD round your house and I'd be telling him it's either the family blends or you split up as it just doesn't work otherwise.

SoftBalletShoes · 28/12/2025 21:33

YANBU. Christmas should have been celebrated together in your own home with all three kids, and his parents over. It's absolutely weird that it's not like this.

Are you sure that his parents are not, in fact, his other family, and that you and the new baby are a secret? I can't think of any other reason why he would keep things so separate.