AIBU - DP missed baby’s first Christmas to be with his DD4

[tizzy13]

How upset would you feel if your partner missed his baby’s first Christmas? Because apparently I’m overreacting and him and his mum think it’s normal to do this…

My partner has his daughter twice a month (every other weekend Friday-Sun) and he’s had her for Christmas this year. They go to his parents as he doesn’t want her at my house (despite me making it nice for them and buying bunk beds for my son and her) - don’t ask me why as honestly I’ve got no clue. He just says he wants 1-1 time with her he doesn’t get when here. But he’s continued to leave me when we just had a newborn discharged from NICU.

Our baby was born on 2nd October when I was 33weeks + 5 days pregnant due to baby stopping moving and going into distress - I had to have a CAT2 emergency section and spent 21 days in NICU. He is now about 5/6 weeks corrected developmentally so still acts like a newborn and it’s very hard for me to do anything as I am breastfeeding.

He left to go to his parents on Friday 19th for Christmas. His reasoning for going there is that the first year she’s got true understanding so wants 1-1 time with her over Christmas to make it special (she’s 4) I’ve offered over and over to have her here with us and her baby brother but no apparently he wouldn’t get enough quality time. I was planning to make Christmas really special for all 3 kids especially as his daughter adores her newest baby brother but barely gets to see him as we’re always left here whilst she stays at DP’s parents on his weekends.

He half heartedly said I can stop in at his parents for Christmas lunch a few weeks ago but I’ve said no as his mum doesn’t like Christmas, is always moody and doesn’t like a single crumb in her lounge or her house getting messy. I wouldn’t be comfortable and my son would not have an enjoyable Christmas as wouldn’t be able to play properly.

I woke up at 5am with my 12 week baby and older son. On my own. I’m breastfeeding on demand and my baby was born 7w premature so is extra needy.
All morning I had gotten whinging and crying. Just about managed to cook some kind of dinner but most of it was burnt as I couldn’t put baby down.
I delivered him, his parents and his daughters presents Christmas Eve but none of us had got presents from him or his family…

I feel like second best. He doesn’t care and I don’t feel like a priority at all. He says my baby won’t remember this Christmas so it doesn’t matter but it’s the principle.
I’ve just sat here all week feeling so hurt and angry plus having no adult contact on Christmas Day felt pretty crappy.

He’s not come home yet as I’ve expressed how hurt I am and said I don’t want to see him until I’ve rationalised.

Am I being unreasonable this or is this strange behaviour?! He thinks he’s done nothing wrong and keeps saying ‘just because I want to see my daughter you’re having a go at me’ etc and doesn’t see my side at all.

What an odd set up. Does he feel like the house isn’t his home as the tenancy is in your name only?
I can understand that he wants time with his daughter but he also needs to ensure that he is part of the new family with you.
Are his parents pushing him spending time at their house with their GD?

his mum doesn’t like Christmas, is always moody and doesn’t like a single crumb in her lounge or her house getting messy. I wouldn’t be comfortable and my son would not have an enjoyable Christmas as wouldn’t be able to play properly.
I would hazard a guess that he (and his DM) know you are not keen on spending time with his older DD's grandmother. If she adores her 4yo grandchild and makes a special effort for her, she potentially senses your negativity and you partner rightly decided the 4yo would miss out more than a tiny baby if he didn't spend time with his parents and child.

Oh calm down, I'm not 'blaming' anybody, it's an odd situation and I was trying to think of reasons why he might not be keen to have his DD visit. Maybe he's being respectful of the wishes of the mother of his child, who might not want OP/OP children around her own child for whatever reason?

It sounds like he is distancing himself from you, why else would he be keeping his DD away?

Do you think it might be because life is easier at his mums with a 4 YO? Which is not good - his priority should be making a family unit with ALL of you (obviously including his daughter.)

What was the plan when you decided to have a child with him? Was 'blending' the intention?

If him taking his DD to his parents twice a month is the only issue in the relationship then it's probably best you try to make it work, otherwise you will have an increasingly complicated blended family to manage.

100% this! Its madness

This all sounds very odd, and completely unreasonable OP.
I'm amazed that he (and his parents!) think it's fine for you to be left on your own for 8 days over Christmas. You've had a very traumatic birth experience, your 12 week old baby is of course 'needy' ie completely dependent on you, as is your 4 year old DS. Your partner should be WANTING to look after you, and spend time with your baby, and your other DS. It sounds to me that he is not interested in building a blended family, for whatever reason, and therefore it's unlikely that you have a longterm future with him.
I would think very carefully about what you say to him now - do you need his support/help for the next few months until you have fully recovered and baby is a bit older and stronger? Or would you rather he just stays at his parents and never cones back? Your house, your decision...
Good luck OP, hope 2026 is better.

If you both have 4yos and have been together 2y, then you've both been through a lot of upheaval in the last few years, and both, for whatever reasons (right or wrong), haven't remained in a successful relationship long past what, your older children's first birthdays?

I'm not saying this to be a dick, I'm saying it because those first couple of years are a bit of a baptism of fire for a lot of rock-solid couples who've been together much longer. It certainly was for us!

You need to seriously take stock of your relationship, talk, and make this work it you can.

I also find it a bit odd that your partner's ex was willing to have her daughter away for so long over Christmas. Is there definitely nothing going on there?

It's very strange. Don't see why he'd want to keep his children separate, seeing a sibling bond is usually something parents look forward to. Has he bonded well with your son in general? The NICU journey is tough, for Dads as well as Mums, has he struggled to bond with your baby?

He is very selfish. If he was wanted 1to1 on Christmas Day, he should have left in the 24th.
It is really weird that he doesn’t want his child at your home when you share a baby too.
I don’t know what you are going to do other than raise your children as a single parent. 💐

So he was worried about not having enough priority time with his dd, but didnt give a fuck about not having any time whatsoever with his newborn son?

What a keeper.

Sorry but there is no future. This will end in tears.

I met my ex when I had a 5yo DD, he had 5yo and 2yo DS. I had been single/divorced over 3 years; him 18 months and on way to divorce.

There were other issues - in hindsight he's an avoidant. But basically, I got pregnant a year or so after we met. He didn't support me properly during pregnancy. Then when our DD was born, he left me alone a lot, wouldn't allow his sons to stay (turned out his ex wife wouldn't like/allow it) and refused to move in because of that. Covid hit when our DD was 2, and he chose to not see her at all for 4 months that year and then sporadically afterwards, because he decided he couldn't mix his sons and daughter due to the risk. He continued to have them 40% of the time. Then in 2021, after I'd had multiple physical health issues since DD being born, which he didn't support with, he decided his MH meant he couldn't spend time with her for 7 months. After him not even asking about her for 2 solid weeks, I ended our relationship in May 2021. Since then, he's continued to prioritise his sons rather than treat them all equally. His parents do the same. I tried my best to merge families while he worked against me in all of it. Now we are separated, he does very little with or for our DD, but does for his sons.

The bottom line is, his sons were born within his marriage. Our daughter was always secondary to that. It was never in his life plan. So he saw nothing wrong in approaching parenting in that same way. It sounds like you are experiencing the same. As his DD is 4, I assume that, like us, you got pregnant quite soon in the relationship. There will be an element of him not wanting his DD to feel pushed out, but he should be treating his children equally. If not now, then when?

Best thing in the longrun, if family life is important to you, is to end the relationship and co-parent instead.

My guess would be that his DD or her mum have expressed that DD doesn’t get to spend one on one time with daddy when she’s at your house with the new baby - and so your partner has taken that on board and is having Christmas at his mums without you and the other children. This would explain why every weekend was switched to every other weekend and the switch from your house to grandmothers house.

Your partner has shown you who his priority is and that’s his DD, this set up won’t work and you will be resentful when your shared son is 4 and more aware of Christmas and suddenly DP wants to prioritise having Christmas in your house, what will happen with his DD then? Will having a blended Christmas suddenly suit him?

Very odd that you can’t just all spend it together. His DD and your baby are biological siblings, you should be a blended family unit.

If he is so adamant that he wants 1-1 time with his daughter than he shouldn't have had another child. I would be telling him that he either has his daughter at his house so she can be included in the family or he can stay permanently at his parents

So he sees the baby the other 24 nights in the month. I can understand why he wants 1on1 as he does not have much time with her.
Can he go to court to have a better custody arrangement. It seems like he is feeling guilty on his first DC.
This visit over Christmas is too long but on normal months I can see why he feels that he needs to concentrate on DD1.
The 4 year olds are very young for this confusion.

So his contact was reduced in July and now it's always at his parents. Maybe something has happen you're not aware of and his contact with his daughter is to be supervised. In this case by his parents. I suspect saying he wants 1:1 time would feel easier to say.

Or his daughter's mum has put her foot down about something. Maybe her daughter sharing a room with your son? And again DH doesn't want to say. 🤷🏻‍♀️

But something is very definitely off, I'd say.

The first Xmas thing is a red herring. Of course he should spend it with his four year old as this is the child for whom Xmas is relevant. Nevertheless the question is why is she not part of your family together? His ex doesn’t get to dictate that. You have a child together. This is the real issue. He sounds like an idiot and I wonder how long you’ll be able to put up with this.

Do you guys live together properly? The whole thing is really odd from him. Has he recently moved in and his dd has been jealous or unhappy? It’s such bizarre behaviour.

I suspect it reduced to alternate weekends because his DD was starting school and mum wanted time with her at weekends as well. As his contact reduced, he probably then wanted it to be intense, 1-1 to compensate for the loss of time with her. So there is some sense in it, but not at times like Christmas.

Yes this was the reasoning his contact dropped. His ex wanted some weekends too due to her starting school. Never went through court

Honestly OP, I doubt this will ever get better… you need to really think about what you truly want, and compromises you are willing to make, and what your ‘D’ P will actually ‘give’ you. Then you can decide if it’s enough / the life you want to live…