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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My MIL has just announced she might stay until New Year

194 replies

Enterthewolves · 27/12/2025 19:46

Am I being a complete bitch to want to cry? She’s no bother, really, likes me, is nice to the DC but has been here since 21/12. My DH is doing a lot of the work, cooked for Christmas, is off work for the run etc but I so wanted sometime in the house just us and the DC. I wanted to be able to go for long walks, catch up on some work/hobby stuff (she’s sleeping in my office), and just be… I’m struggling as it is with a heavy job, and a sense that my time is work or using the weekend to catch up on household shit (again DH does 50/50 and pulls his weight but his job is full on too). My FIL died a year ago and this is the first Christmas without him so I feel like a cow.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 27/12/2025 19:49

I would feel like crap Sad

You must be a lovely hostess.

I think it would be reasonable to say that you’re so sorry but you need your office back. Could she stay at a hotel? That might make her decide to go after all.

174ghxt · 27/12/2025 19:55

Your feelings are understandable. And her wanting to stay on is understandable. I would let her stay because the guilt would ruin it anyway if she left. Take it as a good thing that you won't be able to catch up on work. And take yourself off for some downtime, with or without kids. Or could you get DH to take everyone out for a bit? Or could he just take her out?

PhantomAfternoonTea · 27/12/2025 19:56

When was she meant to be leaving? Was there a date discussed/agreed?
I think your DH needs to speak to her and say it's been lovely having her but you need some time to yourselves now and that you need your office back. That's not at all unreasonable.

Original poster
Enterthewolves · 27/12/2025 19:56

Thanks @PermanentTemporary she knows I’m off work - and I worked on the kitchen table on the 21/12 so I’m not sure I could do anything subtle - arghhh. DH is going to have to step up and deal with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Enterthewolves · 27/12/2025 19:57

@174ghxt that’s it exactly!! You are right, DH is going to have to do some taking her out and about. Not quite what I wanted/had planned but…

OP posts:
Original poster
Enterthewolves · 27/12/2025 19:59

She was due to leave today or tomorrow morning - depending on driving conditions.

OP posts:
mummabubs · 27/12/2025 20:00

My phone decided I was voting YABU but for the record OP, YANBU! I'd be despairing in your position, can you ask DH to have a word?

mumofoneAloneandwell · 27/12/2025 20:01

I think yabvu tbh

Your husband is doing all of the work, her husband has died, shes nice

😄😄 are you not a regular on mumsnet? You've got it bloody easy hun!

Plus, going for long walks over christmas is my idea of hell

Team your mil

Pineapplewaves · 27/12/2025 20:01

How far away does she live? Could you reach a compromise - MIL goes home now but returns on New Years Eve to see in the new year with you all and leaves again on 2nd….

letshavetea · 27/12/2025 20:01

She shouldn’t announce what she’s doing. I think DH needs to have a conversation about how busy you both are and that you need to get back to work and will see her very soon to share some great times together. Fix a date for the next invitation to stay with you.

suburberphobe · 27/12/2025 20:02

DH is going to have to step up and deal with this.

Yes! Just tell him to.!

His mum is not your problem.

He's checked out and leaving it to you, sorry OP.

check for the next thing some woman at work

HoppityBun · 27/12/2025 20:04

174ghxt · 27/12/2025 19:55

Your feelings are understandable. And her wanting to stay on is understandable. I would let her stay because the guilt would ruin it anyway if she left. Take it as a good thing that you won't be able to catch up on work. And take yourself off for some downtime, with or without kids. Or could you get DH to take everyone out for a bit? Or could he just take her out?

OTOH Philippa Perry, the psychotherapist, suggests that if you have the unenviable task of choosing between feeling guilty or feeling resentful, then guilt is possibly the better option. Her reasoning is that guilt is likely to be felt more in the short term whereas resentment eats away at you and is more damaging.

I’d suggest that DH gently have a quiet word and say that whilst you, OP, are happy for her to stay, he thinks it might be a good idea if she leaves a little earlier, because he is worried about you feeling tired And having to return to work whilst feeling tired.. That way, nobody is actually kicking her out, particularly not you, and she can console herself with a thought that she is being thoughtful.

ADHDdiagnosis · 27/12/2025 20:04

Poor lady. She feels that she is welcome which shows that you are a welcoming family. I do understand how it is when you have guests and need your space back though. (I’m a mother in law and I’ll try to remember not to overstay my welcome!)

eatreadsleeprepeat · 27/12/2025 20:08

That sounds very difficult for you all, and is not going to be easy to resolve.
You either need to be blunt and say it isn’t going to happen or allow it to go ahead but on your terms. She stays till the afternoon of the first then heads off, until then she accepts that you will be setting up a hobby base in your bedroom and absenting yourself quite a bit, she does a bit of childcare to let you and DH go out and it doesn’t set a precedent for next year!

billiongulls · 27/12/2025 20:08

174ghxt · 27/12/2025 19:55

Your feelings are understandable. And her wanting to stay on is understandable. I would let her stay because the guilt would ruin it anyway if she left. Take it as a good thing that you won't be able to catch up on work. And take yourself off for some downtime, with or without kids. Or could you get DH to take everyone out for a bit? Or could he just take her out?

This is good advice

2026isgoingtobebetter · 27/12/2025 20:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Fuzzymuddle33 · 27/12/2025 20:17

This is hard.

Id keep the welcome open. It sounds a a lovey relationship and maybe talk to her about wanting some time together.

Could she babysit one evening or afternoon?

can you go off for long walks and she wait in or prep lunch/dinner etc?

Mischance · 27/12/2025 20:19

First Christmas widowed is hell... I know.
I am sure she has really appreciated this much needed support on this occasion and deep down may fear going back home to the loneliness after this lovely family time.
Having visitors is both enjoyable and challenging on both sides.
I have just returned after 3 nights with one of my DDs and GC. It has been truly lovely, but I knew it was time to go. They are preparing for other visitors and need some time and space to think... and rest! ... they have worked so hard.
I am able to deal with this. I have had nearly 6 years to adjust to the loneliness of widowhood ... I have my own new life and routines. But it did not happen quickly or effortlessly.
I think you would do best to cut her some slack this year. It is such a hard moment in her life.
Next year you can have clearer plans and parameters in place.

ShawnaMacallister · 27/12/2025 20:20

mumofoneAloneandwell · 27/12/2025 20:01

I think yabvu tbh

Your husband is doing all of the work, her husband has died, shes nice

😄😄 are you not a regular on mumsnet? You've got it bloody easy hun!

Plus, going for long walks over christmas is my idea of hell

Team your mil

21st to the 1st is 10 days. That's too long for any guest anywhere.

Delatron · 27/12/2025 20:26

10 days is too long for any guest.

Get DH to tell her that unfortunately you have plans but it’s been lovely seeing her.

Childanddogmama · 27/12/2025 20:27

Fuzzymuddle33 · 27/12/2025 20:17

This is hard.

Id keep the welcome open. It sounds a a lovey relationship and maybe talk to her about wanting some time together.

Could she babysit one evening or afternoon?

can you go off for long walks and she wait in or prep lunch/dinner etc?

I was thinking that she needs to go...until I read the last bit about her husband dying.. it would be really nice (albeit far from ideal) to let her stay. Maybe just try and get on with things and not entertain her? If you want to go walking, then go and leave her.

MiniWirehairedDaxi · 27/12/2025 20:30

ShawnaMacallister · 27/12/2025 20:20

21st to the 1st is 10 days. That's too long for any guest anywhere.

Show quote history

God, this! I couldn’t have someone in my home and space for 10 days, you’re a saint!

SabrinaCarpetCleaner · 27/12/2025 20:33

10 days is imposing, particularly when it was agreed she'd leave today.
I think it'll be very difficult on this occasion to ask her to leave 😕 You know now though that you'll have to be prepared for future occasions, even if it means being liberal with the truth (saying you have a couple of nights away booked from the date she's scheduled to leave, for example).

The point made by @HoppityBun is a good one, it's noteworthy, because people who impose/outstay their welcome DO quickly become a chore. Thus to save resentment building it'll be vital to be prepared in future.

Original poster
Enterthewolves · 27/12/2025 20:37

DH isn’t doing all the work! Honest 🙂, but yes totally aware it’s not the nightmare some people are having/have had. Thanks all for not making me feel like a total bitch! I’m very aware it’s hard for her, which is why I haven’t said anything, and I’m trying hard to be kind. DC are late teens so no babysitting needed. I think I just need to be less attentive and crack on a bit.

OP posts:
RedRiverShore6 · 27/12/2025 20:39

Good lord