My MIL has just announced she might stay until New Year

[Enterthewolves]

Am I being a complete bitch to want to cry? She’s no bother, really, likes me, is nice to the DC but has been here since 21/12. My DH is doing a lot of the work, cooked for Christmas, is off work for the run etc but I so wanted sometime in the house just us and the DC. I wanted to be able to go for long walks, catch up on some work/hobby stuff (she’s sleeping in my office), and just be… I’m struggling as it is with a heavy job, and a sense that my time is work or using the weekend to catch up on household shit (again DH does 50/50 and pulls his weight but his job is full on too). My FIL died a year ago and this is the first Christmas without him so I feel like a cow.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. You’re entitled to your downtime. I can’t relax properly if we have someone staying, even if close family and I really like them. Can you chat to your husband about it and see if he can address it with her?

Her first Christmas as a widow is probably the only time I would be on the side of the MIL. She’s nice, DH is doing the looking after etc - put up with it for this year. It’s really a very short term pain. However I would just get on with the stuff you want to do too.

Does she know your plans for NYE? If she has been with you all this time, I'm assuming she knows you don't have any. I think i would chalk this year up but make sure you have a number of plans for next year.

I would never even with my own darling mum just assume i could extend my stay without asking if it was ok, and asking in such a way as to suggest I am expecting a "no" and it would be a reasonable response.

I'd say something like "I expect you just want some time to yourselves now but if it would be helpful for me to stay on a bit then Im happy to" so the hosts could say either

Oh that's so sweet of you but yeah, we have some.plans already and loads to get on with, Or alternatively " oh it would be lovely if you could stay a bit longer"

But jist to assume you as the guest gets to decide what your hosts are offering in terms.of hospitality - nono onono.

That's the kind of dick move my self-absorbed MiL pulls and its a sign that she thinks of no-one but herself.

We do have plans for the NYE, we have friends coming round - four couples and various tween/teen children! She’s said she’ll just take herself off to her room if she gets tired.

I love this answer! Have a heart. Try something different in life.

If you can manage to be nice for another week then suck it up and breath a massive sigh of relief when she’s gone.
ask if she doesn’t mind if you go and do some things without her that you’d previously planned. Just let her mooch and try and do your thing too. But maybe chat or get your husband to chat. It’s a long visit to be all over her every day. May the force be with you!

We have been and will continue to be welcoming, I haven’t shared my feelings with her and wouldn’t, but I am knackered and just wanted some space without having to ‘host’. If that makes me a cow then - well - I’m a cow!

You’re not a cow @Enterthewolves i would say much more saint than sinner!!

I hope your DH can speak to her and get her to change her mindset. However nice she is. It’s not ok for her to assume she can just continue to stay in your house for as long as she wants… I’d be worrying that she won’t ever want to go home.

But the new radiator is being fitted in your office, guy is supposed to come first thing Monday? Could be an awkward job because of how the pipes lie, might need floor boards up. Got to be started now as he can’t come back and finish until the second, and you have to be in there to work by the fifth.

Now that is a plan!

It really isn’t.

Obviously not, I was joking, apart from anything else the office is on the ground floor and has a tiled floor on a concrete base!

I'd be in there tomorrow sorting stuff out for your return to the office 9am Monday.

As it’s the first year after FIL died I think I would suck it up. I’d hate it but I’d still suck it all.

She probably wants to stay in your happy, busy home until the holiday is over rather than spend the rest of it rattling around in an empty house, missing him and knowing her family are having a good time without her. Christmas really stirs up emotions. The first year can be really tough and upsetting.

It unlikely she will need to be with you for as long next year so maybe see this as a one off. But nearer the time start easing her into the idea that you will only be together for days rather than weeks.

I dont think you're being unreasonable to want space regardless of her sad circumstances. Maybe a compromise of we are sorry, we would love it if you could stay one more day but we really do then have plans, having made arrangements based around you saying you were here until 27th/28th.

You should be able to have just your friends at NYE as planned

To be honest I think you’re pretty mean so it wouldn’t have surprised me.

Only because I’m very much a more the merrier type person. Plus I’d help
out family in this situation without a second thought.

Wow, mean is harsh! OP is entitled to some personal space in her own home. Could MiL not go to another child’s home, her sibling, a short break in a London hotel..?

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. I understand the sensitive position however I don’t like people who announce rather than ask. Then you and your husband could have discussed it. Also she knows you have NYE plans and it is rude to invite herself to those. I would also worry next year she would do the same. I think this is up to your husband to have a word with his mum. If you feel you have to accommodate it this year make sure next year there are firm dates that everyone sticks to.

Sorry, it was meant “light-hearted” as they say in these parts. It is difficult when you can’t access your work space. Wishing you the easiest possible time.

Just say sorry it’s been lovely having her but you need some time to chill out with no guests. She suggested it, you said no

What exactly has op done that quantifies her as "pretty mean"?

Well done for being a people pleaser, and a different type of person to OP but being a type of person who needs their own space and to recharge alone does not make her mean. Your implications and condescending tone is actually very crass.

This is not just any guest.This is her family! Completely unreasonable, sorry

It might help to change the hosting mindset. When I am with family I just muck in and they do their own thing. I do not expect to be entertained.

I would cut her so slack since FIL has died so recently , but I would also cut back on hostessing duties and say you need your office back for work during the daytime. Perhaps suggest something to visit or do? Get your DH onside too. Transition back to your normal routines; 10 days is a long time to be an everyday entertainment ground.