My MIL has just announced she might stay until New Year

[Enterthewolves]

Am I being a complete bitch to want to cry? She’s no bother, really, likes me, is nice to the DC but has been here since 21/12. My DH is doing a lot of the work, cooked for Christmas, is off work for the run etc but I so wanted sometime in the house just us and the DC. I wanted to be able to go for long walks, catch up on some work/hobby stuff (she’s sleeping in my office), and just be… I’m struggling as it is with a heavy job, and a sense that my time is work or using the weekend to catch up on household shit (again DH does 50/50 and pulls his weight but his job is full on too). My FIL died a year ago and this is the first Christmas without him so I feel like a cow.

Thanks all, it’s good to hear different opinions, well apart from @Sometimeswinning who has gone from calling me mean, to a liar!

DMIL is staying, I’m going ahead with plans to see people/go for long walks and will hoick some stuff out of the room she’s in so I can do some bits. The room’s too small to work in when the bed is made up, and my work needs kit that is now packed away but I can do some admin.

DH is a keeper, though this does highlight some hypocrisy about his feelings about how long my widowed DM stays! Next year my DM will be here and if she said she was staying this long he’d have a heart attack.

I do understand how my DMIL feels but my DBIL has invited her for NYE so it’s not like she’d be alone and now he will be, which feels unkind when he lives much closer and does a lot for her. However that’s not mine to deal with.

God, I certainly don't profess (or aspire) to be kind. I do normally take people at their word on here as we have no way to verify or fact-check people's posts, and accusing people of lying is pointless and just derails the thread.

If OP had refused to host her bereaved MIL for Christmas and she had nowhere else to go, I would agree that she was being unkind. Sticking to to the dates of the visit that were previously agreed isn't being mean.

How about: 'NIL it has been lovely having you but we need to focus on work and hobbies now so lets keep the original arrangement. And lets fix a date for your next visit'.

My mum is recently widowed. She much prefers to be on her own. A few hours of company is all she can face.

MIL, also widowed, who is here for as long as OP's, loves to be surrounded by people, and would probably move in permanently if there was a sniff of a chance.

It's almost as if different people want different things. Providing what individuals want is providing love and support.

Er....this makes zero sense. If a widow needs space to spend time on her own and process her grief (as many introverts do) then how on earth does forcing her to be with people indicate "love and support"?

You do realise not everyone is the same as you, right?

Who on earth announces they might stay longer than they were invited to stay?

The op was agreeing with someone who advised her to lie. I said it didn’t surprise me.

I also don’t aspire to be kind. Sometimes I’m nice, sometimes I disagree with someone. I empathise more with mil than the op in this situation. Sorry the op and other posters were so upset at using the word mean. I thought that was mild!

Grab laptop and head to local library tomorrow?

I think the only way to deal with this is to inwardly decide that now she is no longer a guest and is now family.

As a guest, we host by serving all food and drinks, provide our time and attention. As family, we let them help themselves and get on with things we need to do.

I agree it’s difficult to tell her to go home as it’s her first Christmas on her own. But if you go down the ‘you are family’ route, it will make all future visits easier.

Plus, you now know you need to fix an end date to future visits.

@Enterthewolves it’s ok to be done with hosting, want some time to yourselves, set some boundaries. No need for guilt, it sounds like you have already done a lot. You are all finding your feet this year following the bereavement. Next year, be very firm with her, eg you are welcome from 23rd to 27th (or whatever suits you) but then I need my office back to catch up/I have friends arriving/we are visiting my parents/DC going to friends and we want to enjoy the child free time. DH really needs to be having those conversations as it’s his mother. You have been very kind, I can’t imagine extending my stay without giving any thought to how that might impact on my hosts! You need to be going into the new year feeling rested, don’t underestimate how much rest and relaxation you have missed just by having someone around 24/7.

On the contrary. I simply don’t assume that every widow is on her metaphorical knees

I do not think anyone is assuming this. That is extrapolating.

I think that some of us (the OP included) are trying to understand and have some empathy for what THIS woman might be feeling and why.

You sound lovely..

Yes, I was thinking that. The presumption would rankle.

I certainly don’t think everyone is assuming this. But you seem to be!
Your narrative of “just YOU wait until you are widowed, then you will understand, you stony hearted woman” isn’t an effective one.

If my husband died and I was staying with my son I wouldn’t invite myself for an extra long stay as I know that he and his girlfriend need time off work together and people usually have a finite capacity for hosting. I may suggest that I would like to see them again soon as I struggle to get used to being on my own and either coming for a weekend, them visiting me or me organising a hotel for us to meet at.

You sound like a lovely DIL, Op. Your mil is obviously very happy and comfortable in your home. I totally understand your need for some space, on balance though iiwm I would let her stay - poor love must be lonely.

Can you setup an armchair in your room and spend a bit of time on your laptop/Netflix/book. Go for a walk and grab a coffee / paper. Get your dh to take her shopping / to lunch / the movies?

I completely empathise with your situation OP, my recently widowed DF went home yesterday having spent a week with us. He lives 3 hours away so we collected him and brought him back to our house. The week seemed to go so quickly that I did wonder if I should have asked him stay longer but DH wouldn’t have been happy about that as it’s his Christmas too and has always been very accommodating with my family. I wish now that I had asked DB to have him over for a couple of days so it wasn’t all on me and DH and then he wouldn’t have had to go home so quickly.
If I was in your situation I would let her stay but like others have said, try to do your own thing. Could she still go to your DB on New Years Eve so you can enjoy the evening with friends? That could be a compromise?

I think these ‘my house my rules/im entitled to my needs/no is a complete sentence’ pablums were good to the degree that they made women think about how they are entirely socialised to please others.

But when it’s rolled out to justify turfing out a member of the family whose world has just collapsed - it’s being cynically misused, and represents the kind of anti-communal hyper-individualism that’s tearing us all apart.

It’s another example of the way all ‘liberations’ have been co-opted by global capitalism innit. We can’t work as hard as we need to in order to buy all their shit if we’re being distracted by loyalties and bonds to other humans.

Op, I understand that this will have an impact on you - you are as stressed as we all are by the relentless enshittification of our society.

But would your MIL do for you? What would you wish her to do?

Reframe it as an act of resistance lol?

only half joking actually .

Thank you, I am.

I hear that @thestudio I think having been brought up by DPs who had little/no contact with their DPs I have no framework for extended family stuff, but have tried really hard to establish a healthy pattern for my DCs. The last few months have been really tricky for a number of reasons and I took precious annual leave with the hope I could combine being a ‘good’ DIL, DM, DSIL and DW with also recharging and finding some time to re-connect with DH. Never mind all the normal bollocks as well. I have expressed none of this to DMIL because I understand her sadness.

It seems a shame that DBIL invited her for NYE and he will now be on his own. Could DH not broach that with his Mum?

OP I know exactly how you feel about wanting some time without hosting. My mum arrived on the 16th and stayed til the 27th. She made a comment at one point about maybe staying til the NY but I immediately nipped it in the bud by being honest about really needing some time in the house just us and she understood. I would have expected my DH to do the same if it had been his DM

Could you say you've made plans for someone else to stay over (in the office)?

Your feelings are totally valid and understandable. I get that it's disappointing when you were looking forward to having some time to decompress and without having to be switched 'on.' I think you sound like a kind person; you are concerned about MIL and you aren't showing your feelings to her.

She’s not being turfed out. She’s simply going home.

Oooh the drama.