Page 8 | My MIL has just announced she might stay until New Year

Enterthewolves · 2025-12-27T19:46:41+00:00

Am I being a complete bitch to want to cry? She’s no bother, really, likes me, is nice to the DC but has been here since 21/12. My DH is doing a lot of the work, cooked for Christmas, is off work for the run etc but I so wanted sometime in the house just us and the DC. I wanted to be able to go for long walks, catch up on some work/hobby stuff (she’s sleeping in my office), and just be… I’m struggling as it is with a heavy job, and a sense that my time is work or using the weekend to catch up on household shit (again DH does 50/50 and pulls his weight but his job is full on too). My FIL died a year ago and this is the first Christmas without him so I feel like a cow.

Aghast1066 · 28/12/2025 21:53

Nigelladamascena · 28/12/2025 09:18

Don't worry, some DIL's are more tolerant.

My MIL comes to stay, every year, for 6 weeks. She is elderly and can't get upstairs so has a hospital type bed set up in the living room.

She lives in another country and it is the only time my DH and kids get to see her. Out of 52 weeks, 6 weeks is not much.

Reading the posts on here, I am an anomaly.

Show quote history

This. Totally this.

JohnTheRevelator · 28/12/2025 22:08

She's just 'announced'? So she gets to decide how long she stays in someone else's home? Puts me mind of my best friend's MiL. 2 years ago she went to stay with my friend and her family over Christmas. They picked her up on the 21st December and it had been agreed that they were taking her home on the 30th. (I know it sounds like a long stay but she lives 200 miles away and they only see her 2- 3 times a year). Anyway,on Boxing day,she suddenly says oh you don't mind if I stay until the 15th January? I cancelled my hospital appointment I had on the 12th especially. My friend was gob smacked. Anyway,she DID stay until the 15th by which time my friend was totally pissed off. The following year and this year,they made excuses for her not to come.

ADHDdiagnosis · 28/12/2025 22:21

LaundryEveryday · 28/12/2025 19:22

Some of the responses here are heartbreaking.
This is genuinely sad.
The world has lost its sense of humanity.
People think only of themselves - me, me, me.

I agree with you and it’s baffling that there are so many threads about Christmas asking so many things discussing gifts/foods/parties/family.

and yet when it comes to genuine selfless love and care people say - oh eff that she has to go home.so sad and pointless really - celebrating Christmas but not being willing to be slightly inconvenienced.

but it does highlight the self centred attitude that leads to loneliness epidemics. No wonder we have homeless people on the streets and people walking on by. These people probably wouldn’t look after their own family if it wasn’t convenient so why would they care about strangers?

Laurmolonlabe · 28/12/2025 22:48

I think a week is plenty- after all she has to go back to her own life in the end, so I would put my foot down, maybe let her do New year's eve with you - but it could creep.

Ryanstartedthefire2 · 29/12/2025 01:59

YaNbu Id die

Blablibladirladada · 29/12/2025 09:22

Oh gosh…
yeah. It is tough…

Mischance · 29/12/2025 10:26

ThatNiftyBlueSwan · 28/12/2025 18:07

You may be in a similar situation one day - widowed and lonely .

I speak from experience- my mil overstayed her welcome and I resented it. Fifteen years later I am newly widowed and am desperate not to be alone during this time .

I am sorry you are in this situation and send a hand hold. I have been there and can only say that nearly 6 years later the pain does reduce and I am able to have happy memories of the festive season again.
Take care.

Mischance · 29/12/2025 10:27

Ryanstartedthefire2 · 29/12/2025 01:59

YaNbu Id die

Well no - actually you would not die .........

Mischance · 29/12/2025 10:37

ADHDdiagnosis · 28/12/2025 22:21

I agree with you and it’s baffling that there are so many threads about Christmas asking so many things discussing gifts/foods/parties/family.

and yet when it comes to genuine selfless love and care people say - oh eff that she has to go home.so sad and pointless really - celebrating Christmas but not being willing to be slightly inconvenienced.

but it does highlight the self centred attitude that leads to loneliness epidemics. No wonder we have homeless people on the streets and people walking on by. These people probably wouldn’t look after their own family if it wasn’t convenient so why would they care about strangers?

Show quote history

I agree too. A slight inconvenience versus showing kindness and compassion. No contest.

Reading so many threads here the spirit of Christmas (and I am not religious) seems to have been superseded by present giving competitiveness and obligation, overspending, over-high expectations and a lack of family feeling.
I know people will pile in on me now, but if we can't show kindness at Christmas it is a bit of a poor show.

We cannot get on with everyone, and we cannot choose our in-laws, but we can show compassion and kindness - and for such a brief few days.
I understand the trend for setting boundaries in reference to those who do not enhance our lives, but the expectation that Christmas should be perfect and only enjoyed with our favorite people is unrealistic.

I have spent Christmases with my totally nutty in-laws and we survived - and my children learned about tolerance. I watch them now as adults showing kindness and am proud of them.

Cherrysoup · 29/12/2025 11:11

HipHopDontYouStop · 28/12/2025 00:38

And ignore this bollocks. You’re allowed to want to have time and your house entirely without visitors.

Show quote history

My mil stayed for a fortnight following my fil’s death and although I absolutely loved her and got on incredibly well with her, I was ready to kill her. I was on holiday so she could have stayed longer, but omg, I just wanted my space back and to stop having the same circular conversations. There was no sign of her leaving and I ended up having a minor row with my DH who didn’t see an issue and clearly thought I was a bad person. He was going off to work so barely saw her (or me!) some days and simply didn’t get why I was getting frustrated.

Have you spoken to your DH, OP? The plan was not for her to be there so long: has she unilaterally decided to prolong her stay?

Nucleus · 29/12/2025 11:40

Mischance · 29/12/2025 10:37

I agree too. A slight inconvenience versus showing kindness and compassion. No contest.

Reading so many threads here the spirit of Christmas (and I am not religious) seems to have been superseded by present giving competitiveness and obligation, overspending, over-high expectations and a lack of family feeling.
I know people will pile in on me now, but if we can't show kindness at Christmas it is a bit of a poor show.

We cannot get on with everyone, and we cannot choose our in-laws, but we can show compassion and kindness - and for such a brief few days.
I understand the trend for setting boundaries in reference to those who do not enhance our lives, but the expectation that Christmas should be perfect and only enjoyed with our favorite people is unrealistic.

I have spent Christmases with my totally nutty in-laws and we survived - and my children learned about tolerance. I watch them now as adults showing kindness and am proud of them.

Show quote history

Which is exactly what OP and many of us have done and are still doing. We smile sweetly, listen to the same stories about people we have never met for the umpteenth time. And separately go and scream silently into a pillow or vent here on MN.

An awful lot of the 'just be kind' posters seem to miss this fundamental point.

I am also trying to recover from my own health problems, trying to rest physically and mentally recharge from a difficult year with my own mum before it all starts again in a few days. Having someone in our space, however harmless they may be requires extra effort and energy that I don't have to spare at the moment.

Endorewitch · 29/12/2025 15:03

mummabubs · 27/12/2025 20:00

My phone decided I was voting YABU but for the record OP, YANBU! I'd be despairing in your position, can you ask DH to have a word?

Poor MIL. If she knew she was so unwelcome she wouldn't dream of staying. And she is apparantly a pleasant woman and her first xmas without DH.
I despair at the lack of compassion in some of these posts.

ADHDdiagnosis · 29/12/2025 15:26

If people could be kinder to others- and not just say the words as a slogan - if people actually went out of their way to support and love people in their times of need, I am sure the world would be better.

I have given everything to support vulnerable people. My life is not my own but I have made an impact on other people’s lives. I don’t put myself first I reach out and try to make a difference to people. Few did it for me which is why I know how crucial it is to be supportive.

Endorewitch · 29/12/2025 21:18

Nucleus · 29/12/2025 11:40

Which is exactly what OP and many of us have done and are still doing. We smile sweetly, listen to the same stories about people we have never met for the umpteenth time. And separately go and scream silently into a pillow or vent here on MN.

An awful lot of the 'just be kind' posters seem to miss this fundamental point.

I am also trying to recover from my own health problems, trying to rest physically and mentally recharge from a difficult year with my own mum before it all starts again in a few days. Having someone in our space, however harmless they may be requires extra effort and energy that I don't have to spare at the moment.

Show quote history

A few days with your MIL who is apparantly a nice person and is spending her first xmas without her DH,is not asking much.
She is not moving in!She wants to stay a few more days because she is grieving. What does your DHsay?He is being pulled between his mother and his wife. He also lost his father recently so he must feel protective to his Mum. We are talking about one nice lady. Not a family with screaming kids.
But if you don't see this,there is no point in explaining.

Endorewitch · 29/12/2025 21:36

Not all elderly people talk endlessly about people noone else knows and causes their children to go and scream into a pillow. Many are intellectually stimulating and good company. Boring people come in all sizes and shapes and all ages. It is not a prerogative of elderly parents.
Sadly many people on this thread don't seem to have a good relationship with their parents. They seem to be a burden.
But it is good to read the posts of those who have excellent loving relationships with their elderly parents.

Nucleus · 29/12/2025 21:42

Endorewitch · 29/12/2025 21:18

A few days with your MIL who is apparantly a nice person and is spending her first xmas without her DH,is not asking much.
She is not moving in!She wants to stay a few more days because she is grieving. What does your DHsay?He is being pulled between his mother and his wife. He also lost his father recently so he must feel protective to his Mum. We are talking about one nice lady. Not a family with screaming kids.
But if you don't see this,there is no point in explaining.

Show quote history

Talk about making up a narrative. Go back and actually read my post. I have at no point said this is my MIL first solo Christmas.

FYI, my FIL is very much alive and kicking with at least two girlfriends on the go, aged 80. He and MIL have been divorced 40 years. Husband is not grieving in the least for his not-dead father, my actually recently dead one, or his mum's second husband.

I have, at no point, asked her to leave or treated her with anything less than absolute kindness. Though now you mention moving in, she would definitely do it, if given even a sniff of a chance.

jackstini · 29/12/2025 22:32

Enterthewolves · 28/12/2025 10:46

Thanks all, it’s good to hear different opinions, well apart from @Sometimeswinning who has gone from calling me mean, to a liar!

DMIL is staying, I’m going ahead with plans to see people/go for long walks and will hoick some stuff out of the room she’s in so I can do some bits. The room’s too small to work in when the bed is made up, and my work needs kit that is now packed away but I can do some admin.

DH is a keeper, though this does highlight some hypocrisy about his feelings about how long my widowed DM stays! Next year my DM will be here and if she said she was staying this long he’d have a heart attack.

I do understand how my DMIL feels but my DBIL has invited her for NYE so it’s not like she’d be alone and now he will be, which feels unkind when he lives much closer and does a lot for her. However that’s not mine to deal with.

Edited

Just picking up on one part you mention
The fact your DBIL will now be alone on NYE as she’s not going there is a bit sad for him

What has she said about that?

Original poster

Enterthewolves · 30/12/2025 13:21

Endorewitch · 29/12/2025 21:18

A few days with your MIL who is apparantly a nice person and is spending her first xmas without her DH,is not asking much.
She is not moving in!She wants to stay a few more days because she is grieving. What does your DHsay?He is being pulled between his mother and his wife. He also lost his father recently so he must feel protective to his Mum. We are talking about one nice lady. Not a family with screaming kids.
But if you don't see this,there is no point in explaining.

Show quote history

He is not being ‘pulled’ between us because I’m not suggesting she leaves! I’m venting here, not to her or him. Frankly if you can’t see that I might be struggling given previously mentioned issues then you lack compassion - I have a full on job, other stuff (health, family etc) that I’m not mentioning here, and just wanted some clear downtime to be still. I have expressed NONE of this to MIL because I can understand her feelings - weird though how mine are totally irrelevant.

BiL is now also coming, he’s getting the train down, will sleep in one of the kids rooms and they’ll bunk in with each other. He can then drive MIL back which will lessen the impact on her of leaving.

OP posts:

custardcreme77 · 18/01/2026 07:08

Enterthewolves · 30/12/2025 13:21

He is not being ‘pulled’ between us because I’m not suggesting she leaves! I’m venting here, not to her or him. Frankly if you can’t see that I might be struggling given previously mentioned issues then you lack compassion - I have a full on job, other stuff (health, family etc) that I’m not mentioning here, and just wanted some clear downtime to be still. I have expressed NONE of this to MIL because I can understand her feelings - weird though how mine are totally irrelevant.

BiL is now also coming, he’s getting the train down, will sleep in one of the kids rooms and they’ll bunk in with each other. He can then drive MIL back which will lessen the impact on her of leaving.

Edited

Show quote history

I hope everything eventually went well and you’ve recovered from the busy Christmas / New year hosting. xx