My MIL has just announced she might stay until New Year

[Enterthewolves]

Am I being a complete bitch to want to cry? She’s no bother, really, likes me, is nice to the DC but has been here since 21/12. My DH is doing a lot of the work, cooked for Christmas, is off work for the run etc but I so wanted sometime in the house just us and the DC. I wanted to be able to go for long walks, catch up on some work/hobby stuff (she’s sleeping in my office), and just be… I’m struggling as it is with a heavy job, and a sense that my time is work or using the weekend to catch up on household shit (again DH does 50/50 and pulls his weight but his job is full on too). My FIL died a year ago and this is the first Christmas without him so I feel like a cow.

OP, I feel your pain. My DH has today invited my MIL to stay for an extra night (she was meant to be going home tomorrow and has been here since the 22nd) and I could cry! I just want a bit of space and not to have to host or be ‘on’ the whole time

Did he discuss this with you first? I hope you have told him how you feel and not to extend invitations without discussing it again

It sounds like she doesn’t want to go back to her empty home, it is a tough time of year to be on your own after losing a husband. My dad died on the 30th Dec. It was a very tough every year for my mum. We were all with her for the first year as it was important and she was still grieving and still is 25 yrs later. It took her ten years to start doing things ( she was a widow at 50) I feel for her and you, as I do like my own space too and would find it difficult if plans changed, however for this year I would cut her some slack - sounds like she would go to bed NYE and likely have a cry and go to sleep.

I would get your DH to do things with her so you can get on with what you need/ want to

Give over. If it was a normal circumstances, I'd agree with you, but it isn't. Sometimes you just have to be the one who compromises. Sometimes your needs have to come lower. And that is fine. Life is about balance. I'd accommodate a grieving person. Maybe others wouldn't. That's fine, we just have different values.

Well you could say that if you wanted to ruin your relationship with her and potentially your DH.

If my DH had been that unkind to my grieving mum, we wouldn’t be together now.

So much nastiness on MN. You lot had better hope your own DILs don’t treat you with such hatred and contempt when your time comes.

Was that honestly necessary? He’s checked out and he’s probably having an affair? I despair of this place sometimes.

Go on the walks OP - give MIL the remote for the tv, she can help herself to cups of tea, chocs, etc. Go and meet a friend or take yourself off for a coffee or wander round the shops. It’s just this year that will be so difficult for her. We never thought my mum would cope after we lost my Dad but she’s so much better this year.

This is an incredibly mean and nasty thing to say and says everything about you as a person, none of it good. You sound the complete opposite of a "merry" person 🤣

OP has clearly done everything she can to host her MIL, she is not horrible just because she would like some space now.

OP- if you feel too guilty to ask her to go then you need to crack on with things you want to do and let her sort herself out. That's not unreasonable, if I was staying 10 days or more with someone I wouldn't expect them to serve me or upend their lives to accommodate me. I would say from now on- do what you want to do and she can potter about and sort herself out.

Don't worry, some DIL's are more tolerant.

My MIL comes to stay, every year, for 6 weeks. She is elderly and can't get upstairs so has a hospital type bed set up in the living room.

She lives in another country and it is the only time my DH and kids get to see her. Out of 52 weeks, 6 weeks is not much.

Reading the posts on here, I am an anomaly.

No she can't just extend her stay. Just tell her son to tell her no as you have other plans. That's what I would do.

dear God, it isn't hatred and contempt and relationship-ruining to feel conflicted about a longer than expected visit! what histrionic shaming

Ouch! That is truly hard hearted.
You have not been there.
It is not about need but about kindness and humanity.
This woman is not asking for "24/7 company" or "oceans of time with AC", but is finding this first festive period hard, which I can understand.
I hope your own children will grow up more loving and tolerant!
Also in the mix here is the OP's partner who has lost his father.
I am glad that your own mother has made the transition to motherhood so smoothly, but everyone is different and needs kind responses tailored to who they are.
This MIL is not being unpleasant in any way. The problem is that the OP, entirely understandably, is beginning to feel guest fatigue. It might help to now begin to treat MIL less like a guest who needs entertaining and to introduce the family needs (for the space to work, for the wish to go out on a walk etc.) ... there is no reason why she would not understand this and try and fit round.
This is a one-off .... the first festive season of widowhood ... and for some it is very hard. The OP is dealing with a bit of a curveball here and her feelings are understandable and need not be a source of guilt. But next year will be different ... MIL will be finding her feet in her new life and the OP will be one jump ahead when it comes to making plans clear.
The role of widow, and the total loss of that familiar central role in family life and celebrations, is hard. It takes some grit to manage at a time when you have lost your life's partner through bereavement. Noone to come home to and a massive role change at a time of life when you are beginning to face the start of health challenges. And at the same time you feel obliged to avoid loading your family with your woes and to put a constant brave face on it. It is a hell of a lot to deal with!!! People do not really grasp this clutch of challenges that all come at once .... until it happens to them. They think that a widow is simply sad that their loved one has died. It is much much more than that.
We all heave a bit of a sigh of relief when guests leave even if we have loved having them so OP need not feel guilty.
Next year will be different.

Transition to widowed not motherhood... spellchecker has a mind of its own!

“Truly hard hearted”🤔
interesting take on my post which is simply about combining love and support with a healthy boundary.

OP isn't in the least bit mean. She's welcomed her MIL for Christmas which was what was agreed and her MIL is now expecting to stay longer. Catering for guests isn't relaxing and OP has had to give up her office so isn't able to work properly.

You being a 'more the merrier' sort of person doesn't mean that you are nicer than the OP. Your post is proof that you aren't a kind person and you can only empathise with people who are exactly like you.

I don’t think you are being mean or unreasonable. 10 days is a long time to be hosting.
My MIL went home yesterday after being with us since Christmas Eve and although I love her dearly I was glad to get my house back and spend some time with DH and the kids before he goes back to work

Widowhood does not necessarily make a woman needy of 24/7 company. It’s all a bit infantilising to assume it does. My recently widowed mother does not “need” to spend oceans of time with her adult children

No hint of love and support there!

yes i agree.

it’s a pretty sad world if we can’t extend some grace to a widow on her first christmas alone.

Oh please. I’m incredibly judgy. I don’t hide it.

I said the op is mean in this situation therefore I wouldn’t have been surprised if she’d have lied.

Your post says the exact same about you. I don’t empathise or agree with you so you’ve been unkind. Fair enough!

I completely hear you op. It’s tough because it’s her first one without FIL. I would just let this one go but be VERY clear to dh that this must not become the norm every year going forward. I would want my space back too to just lounge around and do nothing in privacy.

I do not think the OP is mean - I think she is faced with a difficult situation and her feelings are valid and not a reason for guilt. The fact that she feels guilty is proof of her decency and kindness.

But I do think that this year she needs to take a deep breath and cut this new widow some slack..... for all the reasons I have explained above.

Next year things will be clearer.

It is just a few days this one year.

I really can't imagine being a houseguest anywhere without a clear start and end date, nor just telling the hosts (rather than asking) that I'd be unilaterally extending my stay. It just seems so rude. And even aside from that most people couldn't actually spontaneously accommodate an extended houseguest stay because they have actual plans that don't involve being a host, surely.

It is NOT mean to not want house guests to invite themselves to stay longer. Plus OP is grizzling about it anonymously rather than telling widowed MIL to hop it. Venting a bit privately is fine.

On the contrary. I simply don’t assume that every widow is on her metaphorical knees. I know four recently widowed women and none of them spent a lengthy period staying with their immediate family over Christmas. The OP has been very kind, decent and hosted with grace. From the outset it was agreed that MIL would stay for a certain period. Now OP has been “told” it will be for longer. She shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for wanting her space back for the remainder of her precious holiday.
I would not overstay myself, whatever the circumstances, because I find hosting tiring and assume others might too.

If she’s no bother and a good guest I would let her stay. I do understand just wanting some time without her but also maybe you need to crack on and do some of the things you were planning - need a proper clean of the house? Do it and ask her to entertain the kids while you do it! Work - not sure why if you’re off but ask everyone to go out for a few hours and do some work.
Hobbies? The same.
Not sure why you can’t use your office during the day.