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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My MIL has just announced she might stay until New Year

194 replies

Enterthewolves · 27/12/2025 19:46

Am I being a complete bitch to want to cry? She’s no bother, really, likes me, is nice to the DC but has been here since 21/12. My DH is doing a lot of the work, cooked for Christmas, is off work for the run etc but I so wanted sometime in the house just us and the DC. I wanted to be able to go for long walks, catch up on some work/hobby stuff (she’s sleeping in my office), and just be… I’m struggling as it is with a heavy job, and a sense that my time is work or using the weekend to catch up on household shit (again DH does 50/50 and pulls his weight but his job is full on too). My FIL died a year ago and this is the first Christmas without him so I feel like a cow.

OP posts:
Radiosn · 28/12/2025 14:23

Yes well you make sure you shut your husband down firmly regarding your mother going forward.

Visitors are exhausting, particularly during the winter months.

You really need to get out of the house, meet friends and leave him to it.

The space will do you good.

Mulledjuice · 28/12/2025 14:26

Enterthewolves · 27/12/2025 20:48

We have been and will continue to be welcoming, I haven’t shared my feelings with her and wouldn’t, but I am knackered and just wanted some space without having to ‘host’. If that makes me a cow then - well - I’m a cow!

I think you should - when calm - tell her that you need to do some work in the office so could you work out some times to do that during the day.
Also - just go for long walks! Stop doing so much "hosting" -let her do a supermarket shop, give her some jobs. She probably just wants to be around people for a bit longer. The evenings alone are long especially recently widowed.

In short, it's ok to get on with the stuff you want to do and still have her stay longer.

thestudio · 28/12/2025 14:48

HipHopDontYouStop · 28/12/2025 14:21

She’s not being turfed out. She’s simply going home.

Oooh the drama.

Show quote history

She’d be going home even though she didn’t want to - so turfed out would be perfectly accurate.

I don’t think the op’s or her dh’s relationship
with MIL would survive unscathed. It actually is quite a dramatic situation in the sense that it turns on some serious moral dilemmas.

that said, I do think it would be completely fine for DH to say ‘of course mum, it will be lovely to have you here, but do you mind if we just get on with stuff now? Also, OP needs to work and recharge for the next period of work slog now, so she’ll be in and out depending on what she has to do. But you can help yourswlf to lunch and snacks can’t you mum, and make yourself at home?

ScabbyHorse · 28/12/2025 16:35

I agree with previous posts saying stop overly hosting now and just try and do exactly what you would if she wasn’t there. Announce you are staying in pyjamas doing hobbies and eating just crisps. Or whatever you feel like doing. You sound very patient and kind so don’t feel bad about it. You deserve a rest and need to feel relaxed before going back to work.

TwillTrousers · 28/12/2025 16:49

Too late if the decision has been made. I would have suggested DH went home with her for a few days, and she could go to BIL for NY.
PILs came on the 20th for Christmas one year. Due to leave on the 28th which was far too long already. Anyway FIL decided he was having such a lovely time they would stay for ‘another few weeks’. My cousin was coming to stay so we had to ask them to leave and it caused grief for years! FIL wanted to stay because he was enjoying the food and sitting on his bum. I doubt MIL wanted to stay. It was an incredibly awkward morning getting them to leave.

MyLittleNest · 28/12/2025 16:58

If she is inviting herself to stay longer than planned, you should make it clear that you had some things already arranged for that time and get on with your life rather than continuing to host at the same level you have for the past week.

She is clearly not picking up on hints or considering that she may be overstaying. I can't imagine ever someday imposing on my adult children like this for their entire holiday work break!

A balance was what was arranged, and I would be sure to point out to your husband that if the situation were reversed and this were your mother, he would be upset.

Given that you work full time and have limited free time like this, you are not being at all unreasonable. If anything, you are being too nice and you have made it too nice for your MIL, so she doesn't want to leave. Going forward, I'd make sure she knows you have firm plans starting the day she is expected to leave so that there is a very clear end date to the visit.

HipHopDontYouStop · 28/12/2025 17:01

thestudio · 28/12/2025 14:48

She’d be going home even though she didn’t want to - so turfed out would be perfectly accurate.

I don’t think the op’s or her dh’s relationship
with MIL would survive unscathed. It actually is quite a dramatic situation in the sense that it turns on some serious moral dilemmas.

that said, I do think it would be completely fine for DH to say ‘of course mum, it will be lovely to have you here, but do you mind if we just get on with stuff now? Also, OP needs to work and recharge for the next period of work slog now, so she’ll be in and out depending on what she has to do. But you can help yourswlf to lunch and snacks can’t you mum, and make yourself at home?

Edited
Show quote history

No. Turfed out is wholly inaccurate. It’s means booted out, ejected.

The original plan was for her to leave on a set date. It’s cheeky to announce she’s staying longer. To leave on the pre arranged date is not being booted out. It’s sticking to the original agreement.

But do let’s add some emotional blackmail to the mix, shall we? Just in case the op hasn’t yet learned that, despite being a welcome hostess, what she now wants doesn’t matter.

thestudio · 28/12/2025 17:40

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HipHopDontYouStop · 28/12/2025 17:54

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Dearie me. Abusive. No need. Calm down.

It isn’t selfish at all to want time alone.

The mil will be fine.

GoneWoman · 28/12/2025 17:59

Enterthewolves · 27/12/2025 19:59

She was due to leave today or tomorrow morning - depending on driving conditions.

Driving conditions could potentially be far worse when she finally decides to leave

You need your office back, you need a bit of routine/normality to prepare for the return to work/school and she needs to be a bit more self aware and go home

ThatNiftyBlueSwan · 28/12/2025 18:07

You may be in a similar situation one day - widowed and lonely .

I speak from experience- my mil overstayed her welcome and I resented it. Fifteen years later I am newly widowed and am desperate not to be alone during this time .

HipHopDontYouStop · 28/12/2025 18:08

And op, you’re not a selfish cunt whatever some other posters might say.

Ecrire · 28/12/2025 18:46

My only contribution to this thread is- as a 40 yrs told wife of a 43 year old DH with kids in primary is to feel suddenly appreciative of DH and dread the day he is gone.

Anonymous2211 · 28/12/2025 18:55

Could your husband not tell her gently that you need your office back (as agreed) but that he will help her settle back in by taking her home and staying with her for a couple of nights? You get some peace and he can make some really positive one on one time with his mum. She will likely find that more of a easing in being back home rather than the shock of a busy home to being totally alone.

tommyhoundmum · 28/12/2025 19:00

Enterthewolves · 27/12/2025 19:46

Am I being a complete bitch to want to cry? She’s no bother, really, likes me, is nice to the DC but has been here since 21/12. My DH is doing a lot of the work, cooked for Christmas, is off work for the run etc but I so wanted sometime in the house just us and the DC. I wanted to be able to go for long walks, catch up on some work/hobby stuff (she’s sleeping in my office), and just be… I’m struggling as it is with a heavy job, and a sense that my time is work or using the weekend to catch up on household shit (again DH does 50/50 and pulls his weight but his job is full on too). My FIL died a year ago and this is the first Christmas without him so I feel like a cow.

I always wonder why people don't wait to be invited

Sometimessmiling · 28/12/2025 19:05

Enterthewolves · 27/12/2025 19:56

Thanks @PermanentTemporary she knows I’m off work - and I worked on the kitchen table on the 21/12 so I’m not sure I could do anything subtle - arghhh. DH is going to have to step up and deal with this.

She lost her husband last year, have a heart. The first time she has done this solo Xmas. She has probably found it hard and is finding comfort being around you all. Be the bigger person but next year lay ground rules.

NotDarkGothicMama · 28/12/2025 19:13

I hate hosting, even lovely guests, and would be going spare. I need my own space and not to feel under pressure to be sociable. MIL stays for 3 nights every Christmas and that's more than enough.

LaundryEveryday · 28/12/2025 19:22

Some of the responses here are heartbreaking.
This is genuinely sad.
The world has lost its sense of humanity.
People think only of themselves - me, me, me.

Septemberstar6 · 28/12/2025 19:28

I would feel the same as you but would tolerate it as it's the first Christmas without her husband. But 10 days is way to long to stay for me. I don't like anyone staying for more than about 3 days.

Stickytoffeetartt · 28/12/2025 19:32

Oh gosh I couldn't make her feel unwanted if it was me but downtown is very important too. You don't want to go back to work still stressed. Maybe you could just tell her she is welcome but that you will be going about your business and suck it up this once? She must be dreading the thought of nye alone 😔

EchoesOfOurDreams · 28/12/2025 19:36

It has been lovely having you over for Xmas, MIL, but it won't be possible for you to stay until the New Year as I need my office back to catch up with work. Really sorry.

Rednotdead · 28/12/2025 19:39

A pox on guests that won’t leave

CraftySeal · 28/12/2025 20:08

I feel you OP. I'm on day 10 of having my mum at mine and I'm mentally exhausted. She tries to be no bother so I feel bad, but trying isn't the same as being, and I don't find it easy to host someone (anyone) for that long.

I'm not a naturally gregarious person loves having others around me. I get overwhelmed quickly when I don't have time just for me where I don't have to be thinking about other's needs and what I should be doing or being for them. I try not to show it and I would never say it but I wish she didn't always want to come for so long, because I would enjoy our time together more if it was shorter.

Ultimately though I just think that I have to put her before myself in these situations, so I just try to make the best of it, even though I got to the point today where I felt so overwhelmed and brain foggy that I wanted to cry.

All that to say I don't know what the right answer here is OP, but probably if it's her first year as a widow maybe the right thing is to suck it up.

Dontbeme · 28/12/2025 20:47

LaundryEveryday · 28/12/2025 19:22

Some of the responses here are heartbreaking.
This is genuinely sad.
The world has lost its sense of humanity.
People think only of themselves - me, me, me.

What, People like the OP mil who has left her other son in the lurch and spending new year all alone after she had previously accepted his invitation to spend nye together? Imagine being rejected by your own mother when your dad has died, it's heartless isn't it.

Emotional manipulation is a great tool for shame isn't it.

Woodfiresareamazing · 28/12/2025 21:20

mumofoneAloneandwell · 27/12/2025 23:01

God babe, the fresh air has gone to your head - get yourself sat with a glass of wine and a pack of after 8s, stat xx

I am poking fun by the way 😄

Edited
Show quote history

You've just reminded me that I bought myself a box of After 8s as a treat! I'd forgotten about them (and have to hide stuff like that from my DP or he just demolished them). Of i go to get them ...