My MIL has just announced she might stay until New Year

[Enterthewolves]

Am I being a complete bitch to want to cry? She’s no bother, really, likes me, is nice to the DC but has been here since 21/12. My DH is doing a lot of the work, cooked for Christmas, is off work for the run etc but I so wanted sometime in the house just us and the DC. I wanted to be able to go for long walks, catch up on some work/hobby stuff (she’s sleeping in my office), and just be… I’m struggling as it is with a heavy job, and a sense that my time is work or using the weekend to catch up on household shit (again DH does 50/50 and pulls his weight but his job is full on too). My FIL died a year ago and this is the first Christmas without him so I feel like a cow.

You have my utmost sympathy. I am in almost exactly the same situation. MIL arrived on 20th (DH has to collect her these days). I thought he was taking her back today, as a week is all she normally stays for. He told me this morning he doesn't plan to take her back until 30th.

He genuinely is doing almost everything, for unrelated reasons, but as a result I cannot help him beyond the bare minimum. He is exhausted and I am climbing the walls with frustration. I need her to go so DH can get a break before we start work again. She is not a bad MIL, just one of the people who has to fill every silence with inane chatter. I am having to use my own health issues as an excuse to hide in another room and then feel rude/guilty.

His mum is your family ....surely she is part of the family and not a problem...just a human being needing love and support after losing her husband. Your husband sounds lovely. Itis ok to talk to him about needing some space butthe ideas on here from some people e.g. find her a hotel, are cruel .

That was how I heard it @Renamed

Well I think you are less kind than you believe yourself to be, but hey words on a screen make it hard to know….

Tell her she needs to go home. It may be hard for her but she has to do it at some point and you have your life to live. Staying longer won't make her husband come back.

I don’t think I’ve pleased you 🤣 Calm down, there’s several other posters who think like you.

I should have said mean spirited in fairness.

Oh that’s a tough one!

I do think, regardless of who the family member is - they can’t just unilaterally announce they’re staying longer than invited for / was planned. Perhaps DH needs to just have a chat and see what brought about this change? Does she just not want to go home? Are there any other family members she could pop to?

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you wanting some downtime from hosting! It’s a long time to have someone in your space, even a close relative, especially when you're clearly being so considerate of her circumstances and trying to be hospitable.

I think it would be fair for her to go home (depending on journey length?) then perhaps be invited back for NYE if it won’t change the actual plans too much? Only if she actually wants to come / join in, it’s not really the same if she wants to come and leave the party and just stay for stayings sake.

Even though your MIL is going through a lot, it is still good manners to wait for an invitation to stay and not presume you can.

You’ve got far more patience than me OP! I totally understand your feelings. Bereavement or not 10+ days with you is too long, I can’t do much more than 48 hours with most people in my home!

As you know what she’s really saying is that she’s lonely and she’s enjoying your hospitality. No idea how you move her on this time, but maybe proactively plan another visit (with a definite end) so that she can focus on returning and company rather than the very quiet home she will go back to.

My mil isn't able to travel because of health, but if she had been here in the first year after being widowed and wanted to stay a bit longer, I would have made sure it was possible. As it was, we were with her for Christmas this year and when we set off to come home, she cried. We're at the stage when each time we see each other might be the last one.
Hold your mil close, and your DH (who doesn't assume you'll do everything) closer.

Guests don't get to decide how long they stay with you, how rude.
Tell her you need the office back, you've got things to do and have accommodated her for 10 days already, it's enough.

How does your DH feel about her staying several more days? It’s his mother so while it’s a joint decision he should be telling her your yes / no / compromise suggestion. And wording it so it’s not the start of a new tradition that she stays 10 days every year.

So he says ‘well we have our New Year party and all the prep involved but we understand it’s the first year without dad and I wouldn’t want you to see the first New Year alone so let’s ring it in together this time. We might be too tired to take you home on the 1st so we’ll take you back on the 2nd. That will still give Enter time to get straight in her office again and have some downtime before work starts again’

And stop ‘hosting’ her. She’s one of the family. She can make her own tea when she feels like it and just offer her one if you are getting one for yourself. Let her make you one! She can also help with party prep.

If you want to do a long family walk can you go with DH and the kids and leave her home alone for a few hours? Say you had planned it and want the fresh air as it helps you destress.

This would be my worst nightmare! I am pretty antisocial at the best of times. If you're not going to say anything (I think something should be said as this is what's going to happen every year) I think you just have to stop hosting and get on with the day to day mundane stuff and let MIL know sh can get herself some lunch etc.

It might be hard for your DH to have to speak to her and convey your thoughts. He too will still be grieving and will understand her feelings best from his history with her. It might not be good to load this on him.
Go with the flow this year, and make different plans for next year that MIL will know from day one.
This is hard all round.
I think your near adult DC will learn lessons from your example this year.

Ah it’s a 50/50 from me - you sound lovely and I get that MIL will be feeling lonely, but I know the feeling of needing to just “be” in your own space.

I’d be likely to suck it up for this year but be a wee bit firmer next year.

I think if she's staying for two weeks then you can definitely dial back the hosting. Get out for a long walk, on your own or with whichever family you can persuade to accompany you. MiL can make her own lunch. Explain that you need to do some work next week so will be using your office Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday from 10 till 3. It's understandable you feel like this, it's difficult being on show.

Oh god. I feel this in my bones - I'd be weeping but also too guilty to ask her to leave given it's her first Christmas without FIL. I would let her stay but carve out some time for you to be yourself, go for a long walk (are you in the kind of place where a lone walk can include sitting in a coffee shop reading?) or even just 'have a nap' in your room with your laptop. You can even explicitly say you won't be doing 'proper' hosting so everyone has to get their own lunch, show them all where the food is etc. Godspeed!

I had the same situation with my MIL when she lost her partner, she came for Christmas and then came back for new year too (she lives 90 miles away so always an overnight guest). At the time it felt like way too much and I was desperate for her to go home but looking back now I can see how lonely and sad she was and she was dreading being alone for those “big” dates.
I think you should allow her to stay but only if she pitches in and your DH gets her out of the house daily so you have some space. She will hopefully find next year easier but I’d have an excuse ready for why she can’t stay for that long again!

Just say it like it is ... we want some time just with the kids.

@mumofoneAloneandwell “Plus, going for long walks over christmas is my idea of hell”
How is that helpful or relevant for the OP who would be keen to go for some winter walks?

So not only is she wanting to extend her stay, but she will be ' gatecrashing ' the fun you were planning on NYE with your friends ( and will be a martyr and go to her room if she is tired )

Be careful, otherwise her staying for 10 days will become the norm...

oh op I feel you, I had to host my dh family in a holiday home a few years back, like that she is lovely but spending all that time in each others space and with kids thrown in and trying to keep them entertained and things to do, I actually burnt myself out and had a nervous break down of sorts. I absolutely need to be able to retreat to my own home by myself no matter how lovely the company is. It’s something I need for my mental health, so long stays in my house are now off the cards even do my own family. I like to have our home to ourselves and I don’t mind the odd family night or gathering in mine but definitely not week long visits etc it’s too much on some Pepe

My Mil has been here recovering from an operation since 4th December. Shes lovely but I feel your pain.

I honestly hear you. My MIL is lovely too, we get on, we can spend time together no issues... however sometimes I just need my own space, and for the whole of the festive period to be taken away from me, I would find really overwhelming and would end up getting snappy.

However, there's no reason you can't do things with your DC including long walks etc. If she's there for that long, she isn't a guest as much as visiting family - subtle difference being you don't have to wait on her, she makes herself at home if you want to do other things, she doesn't need entertaining the whole time.

Tell her she's welcome to stay, however you will need to use your office for a few hours during the days to catch up on work, and you had x, y, z planned. She may join in, she may opt to stay home with a brew and enjoy some quiet time.

As I say I completely get you. But I also couldn't bring myself to go home on her own to face the rest of the festive period alone. It's such a difficult one.

I think she’s stayed more than enough if she’s been there since 21st! I would explain that you need your space and some time to recuperate before you go back to work. She needs to go home!!! you are not being a bitch at all!