To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

Not sure it's that relevant but we're both in our early 40s

I'm the younger

Did your DF 'let it slip' by accident or do you think he wanted you to find out, to bring it out into the open?

I think it's fine for them to help your Dsis if she and BIL are genuinely struggling. But not ok to not offer the same help you when DH was made redundant.

I think with things like this you have to question whether you would do it with your own children and then decide whether you think it’s fair. My mum hugely favours my brother, now I have my own children I can see elements of this that I would do, for example giving him a £100k deposit for a house as a gift and giving me nothing seems very unfair but he would not have been able to get on the property ladder and I already had a house. I would do this with my children. Blatantly favouring him and treating him with more kindness and consideration every day, not fair and not something I would do with my own children. I think in the scenario you described it’s difficult, I can see both sides now I am a parent but I think if generally you don’t feel that they favour your sister then I wouldn’t be too upset if you could imagine yourself doing the same for your adult children in the future

My first thought entirely

whether consciously or not

This. I think they should also treat you occasionally too.

Wow. I don’t know what to say. If this is seriously what’s happening then of course it’s ridiculously unfair and I have no idea what your parents are thinking. Unless there is some provision is the will that she’s already had inheritance or something I’d feel very unhappy and need to discuss and share how I felt.

MIL is quite comfortable and makes efforts to always make things fair or update her will and inform the executors when she has made financial contributions to one child above a certain level. My parents are the same, scrupulous. We are the most well off children, we wouldn’t ever begrudge siblings help from the family. It would’ve been hard to swallow if lifestyle choices we couldn’t afford to make / didn’t choose to make were then bailed out by the family.

So they are “levelling up” for them because they have chosen a different lifestyle?

What did your sister say? Does she want the money? Did she ask for them to do this?

I would be annoyed with your sister who preaches how she prefers to live but happily takes a handout to bridge the gap.
Sounds like your father is getting pretty sick of supplementing her and I don't blame him, I wonder how this help started, was it offered or was it asked for?

I think, in the long run, you'll be glad you are standing on your own two feet and aren't dependant on anyone.

I imagine there's a shock coming for your dsis one day when your dp aren't able to do this anymore. Living outside your means is madness!

It came out as we were talking about holidays and ideas and how now the kids are all getting older accomodation was becoming more costly etc.

DF said something like you'll need to let me know the cost of your plans

And I jokingly said "oh dad, are you putting your hand in your pocket to send us all on holiday"

And he said you know your sister and BIL don't make as much money as you both so we help her out to make sure she gets the kind of treats you enjoy, it's only fair you both get a good lifestyle

And DSis who I think was a bit embarrassed at the secret coming out explained that their jobs are fantastic but don't pay as much as they'd like and so mum and dad generously pay for some things like their holidays and help with their mortgage.

Conversation moved on and I didn't want to make an issue out of it.

I completely understand your feelings. My sister has always got treated better than me, especially but not only, financially. It's worse since my dad died as she completely controls my mother. Does your sister play them at all or are they just really soft on her? I'm over 60 and finally flipped a few years ago about the unfairness of the situation. Tell them how you feel now so they have a chance to change things/realise how it makes you feel. Otherwise you'll end up like me; angry, resentful and having damaged my relationship with both my sister and mother. People who think it's immature or unreasonable to feel this way don't understand how upsetting and hurtful it is.

I would have to say something.

I’d be annoyed too.
In our 20s, my sister and I had different lifestyles. I moved to a city, got a good job etc and had a fun, busy lifestyle. My sister went from one cafe/retail job to another, often went for months inbetween jobs, and never had any money spare. My grandparents gave her loads of handouts and paid her rent, and it frustrated me as I felt she was being rewarded for not being arsed to keep a job and not be sensible. Whereas I worked my arse off for my money, in a busy, often stressful job.

I'm sure I will. Not even sure why it's bothering me quite so much.

I suppose it's because I'd love to have a job locally that I enjoy and I can do on a timetable that suits me and also have the lifestyle.

when I thought she had this all under her own steam I never gave it a second thought.

I would be fricking furious 😡

Not only about the unfair subsidising of their lovely lifestyle jobs, but about the secrecy from all of them.

My situation is spookily similar to this. I find it very hurtful and have chosen to remove myself from the sibling equivalent of the pick me dance. A very recent event ( outing or I’d share ) made it crystal clear where I stand in the pecking order. YANBU but suspect it won’t change.

Maybe say to your parents that actually, you only worked hard at something you dont particular enjoy and have to travel further than you'd like to do because theyd taught you to stand on your own two feet and you didnt know it was an option. But now that you do, you'll be going part time so that you can get more enjoyment out of life like your sister and will be sure to tell them the cost of your next holiday in good time too.

It's the same for mine. I'm the oldest. Throughout childhood and into now adulthood both parents (one dead now) treated us differently. Even now my siblings g is having an extension built and it's running over budget and the remaining parent is throwing money at it. Funny thing is other siblings is selfish and whenever parent needs help they call me and I'll sort out the latest issue. I'm the mug tbh.

I would be furious about them not offering to help when DH was made redundant.

And really sad actually about the rest of it, if I'm honest.

Your DSis and BIL have made a choice to live a particular lifestyle and the income is a draw back to that. It's not on to have their life subsidised if the same isn't coming to you

The unfairness of it would be really hurtful.

I think I’d be tempted to say to your parents that you agree with Dsis’s outlook on enjoying life, therefore you’re quitting your job for a local, less stressful one, and give them your estimate of how much they’ll need to top your salary up by & your bank details.

Holy cow. Wow. I think this sort or information would make me see all my relationships (with parents, sister, BIL etc) in a whole new light. I’d feel lied to, for years.

Im absolutely shocked parents would do this without the prior agreement of the other sibling, or at least saying “we are doing this, it’s our choice and our money”. To collude in perpetuating a lie for years is something else.

I have already thought that as Im lucky and have a well paid job I can probably do part time instead of retiring I might supplement my kids income so they can do a job they love rather than have to slug it out in corporate unless they want to.. however I wouldn't be so unfair like this as to only supplement one without asking the other if they're happy with what they're doing and ensuring they knew

Think I might go round and speak to my parents tomorrow. Don't feel like it's healthy to let it fester

Not sure what the fix is? Will I be satisfied just having my feelings acknowledged? I'm certainly not suggesting that they stop funding my DSis family, but also not asking for an equivalent handout which we don't need.

I honestly wish I never knew.

Yes I would be hurt for sure, both at the unfairness of the support and at the keeping it a secret between them for so long.

It's not petty at all op, it's completely natural to feel this way.