To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

I agree.
However, there are lots of people quite happy to sponge off other people / the state to supplement lifestyle choices.

They are not equalising the lifestyles though, they are giving your sister and her husband a much better one, as they are not working as much as you, local work, less hours, low stress jobs etc, and they still have the same financial benefits as you with your more onerous work. If you'd known that was an option would you have chosen differently?
It is unfair, there is no fix, they are favouring your sister and that will affect how you feel about them. It depends on the amounts though too, are they giving them a few hundred a year or tens of thousands plus?
I'd suggest to them that you'd quite like a low stress life too and ask how much they could help you with. Were they expecting it to remain secret forever?

That's awful. I'd have to have it out with them and make them squirm. How dare they do this when your sister gets to piss about teaching yoga?

This. Be prepared for your sister to be favoured in their wills. Make sure you have firm boundaries when it comes to their elder care. Your sister needs to be stepping up.

I think it’s quite odd that it was framed as “only fair” that your older sister got to have the same life you have… because she doesn’t. She has the life she chose, with the addition of handouts so she doesn’t feel her choices. It’s also an issue to only bring it up now making clear that it’s been intentionally kept from you.

For the few asking/assuming about jobs

I'm an architect based in a major city ~ 1hr commute away, hybrid working now so typically 50/50 office and home

DH is in engineering working for a construction firm he's mostly office/site based.

Playing devils advocate here and as a mum to almost 4 ( one on the way ) I think people should be able to help the children who need more help at times . Obviously I don’t know the ins and outs and how long this que been going on so hard to judge .

I’m also a mother of Four and I completely disagree with this, You reward the incompetence
And the competent ones lose out just because they’re able to look after themselves
Not fair

She only "needs" help because she teaches yoga (which is not a 9-5) and her DH is self employed so can pick and choose his hours (doesn't pick enough apparently).

They're letting your Dsis live a life of luxury without having to stress over it. Even if you like your job and want to work, have they ever tried to make your life comparably easier in another way? E.g. picking up extra childcare to allow you to focus on your work?

If the answers no, I'd be asking why only your sister's comfort matters?

And what will happen inheritance wise? Sorry if it's crass to say, but will they continue the favouritism?

You don’t know any of that either

still think evidence doesn’t suggest parents are making some political theory statement

Nobody’s life’s sare the same as an example we pay my own mortgage my sister was given 1 million from her in laws to buy a house 10 years ago . If this was the position of one of my kids in the future and I could help them by gifting them money for a house I would because the other child already had it elsewhere .
Children as kids and as grownups need different help at different times of their life’s so giving them the same is not always fair , people need to help at appropriate times .

Based on jobs and lifestyle etc I assume it's been going on for the last 10-15 years.

One thing providing help due to unpredictable life events, its another providing assistance to 'even up' a lifestyle that OP works hard to provide without working for it 🙄 presumably because the DP dont think its fair 🙄

No you see if I had to give one child £500 for the gas or electric bill. I would have to give the other one £500 to put into their savings account or buy themselves dinner in Claridges with.
It’s not the fault of the one who doesn’t need help with their electric That the other one does.
but as the other poster said this is not about digging somebody out of a ditch
It’s about lifestyle
Hence, it’s very unfair

I would have to ask about the financials - how much they are supporting them especially the mortgage etc.

it doesn’t seem fair to me and just makes me think of favouritism and enables your sis to have a lifestyle that is actually superior to your own but without her actually affording it. Helping out in times of crisis I can understand but why on earth would parents not want their children to be self sufficient and live within their own means.

Seems weird then , did they help them get a mortgage then and pay expenses when they bought their homes as mortgages need proper income to be approved , maybe they have them a big deposit ? I understand you feel cheated but if this was me ( and I’m not the golden child myself it’s my sibling so she was always favoured ) I would be sad but wouldn’t make any demands . Maybe remind them of their choices once they need more help .

I think helping a child to pay a bill or maybe throwing a few quid to help buy uniform for the kids is acceptable. Not funding a lifestyle akin to a more successful sibling.

You don't have to pretend this is ok and put up with it. I would be very hurt and I'd think less of them and try less.

My parents help my sister out more. Always have.
She’s not shy about asking. She’s quite entitled…

It’s the opposite here, in terms of financial situation.
Sister & BIL are successful, need help to maintain.

Whereas, me & DH are the poor relations. Therefore, we won’t be buying a house, car. Or going on holidays. So, we don’t need any extra money, obviously. Same when I was starting out. I worked during Uni, she didn’t. I’ve never questioned it. But, Mum & Dad are proud of her “success”.

That’s really sad.

I don’t understand how any parent could do something so unfair. I would help out one child as a result of something unpredictable - illness, say. But to subsidise a lifestyle choice? No way.

We’d all like to be able to focus on doing what we love, and time with our children, rather than paying the mortgage- why did your parents feel your sister deserved this freedom, and you did not?

I am sorry OP that you have been treated like this. It must be very upsetting.

That’s ridiculous! Some if my kids are 14 years apart I just spend £700 on one gift at Christmas, I did not feel the need to spend the same on my 3 year old . Eventually she will want something as expensive in her time . Gifts and help don’t need to be equal

I can understand. sis & husb always said they work to live and not live to work. Their kids went through private school but they were on benefits after giving up work (sis only went back p/t after children were 15 having not worked since maternity leave, and bil p/t at around oldest turning12/13 after giving up work as oldest turned 3) and parents helped along with benefits. Found out their income was far more than ex and me with their claimed benefits! not even allowing for my parents support after he quit work and I worked full time, our kids in state school. No treats for us and I earned too much for any benefits apart from the 30 hours childcare. Will is set to be 50/50 though so I guess that's something!

It's a battle for a lot of parents if they have a bit of excess money trying to keep it fair. We have 3 adult dc. One has ADHD , dyslexia etc and struggled to make it through college. He is not great with money. He does have a good job now as he is quite talented in his particular field. We have subsidised him at times. My other two are ferociously independent, insisting on working through college and barely accepting money. Now they are buying houses. We have made it clear they will get more to help with deposits as its important to us to have it even. They have said they don't need that but l don't want to take the risk of any bitterness setting in. We try to keep it all out in the open which is not always easy.
Perhaps your dps have left more to you in their will.

This is not the case of helping an unfortunate sibling over a more fortunate one. The DSis and BIL haven’t fallen on hard times, experienced illness or death, become single parents, become redundant etc. They have chosen to do low paid/low stress/low hours work. Nothing wrong with that, but then envying the OP’s life that she works damned hard for, and achieving what she has through fleecing her parents and lying by omission, is the problem . Because this is not remotely the case of parents evening up the position of a sibling who has fallen on hard times through no fault of their own. This is them rewarding laziness and envy.