To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

Disagree with this. If you earn more money you deserve more money, simple as that.

This is way off

I can’t imagine the parents see themselves as evening up some social injustice

Yes I would be hurt, it is unfair to be treated less favourably than a sibling. Your parents have made a clear choice to do it for a long time too. Ouch.

Unfortunately this happens a lot. As much as people say they don’t have a favourite child it's rarely untrue. My siblings benefitted from private education and university, I didn’t. Tbh, this sort of thing is one of the reasons we only had one child.

My MIL views life like this the same way as your parents. She thinks that both her kids should have the same level of lifestyle. Despite my H hardwork & sacrifices getting us where we are now. She even hinted my H should give his DS an allowance to even out the disparity. She spends more on my SIL side & that’s fine. My kids don’t need it (there’s an argument to say neither do hers as they are dressed in all the latest trends etc) and we’re in a position that can see us provide all their necessities & have to be conscious we aren’t spoiling them. They won’t just get the most expensive trendy trainers if we’re merely replacing ones that don’t fit. They’ll have to wait for Christmas or birthdays. however my SIL will & possibly spend the rest of the month eating beans on toast. That’s the difference between us. My kids have noticed the difference in gifts though & we’ve explained why & even so I do think it’s hurt them a little & it has affected the relationship they have with their nan. My kids would make the odd comment on nan having favourites. Over the years she’s changed as my SIL has very little time for her mom & we’re always the one visiting, having her for Christmas & sorting her bday treat out & the mil is desperately trying to forge a relationship with my kids now who are 20 & 15. They’re not interested. For years they’ve heard how their nan has taken their cousins bowling, bought them treats & babysat. Whilst they’ve heard her say she can’t have ours & why she does it for the cousins all whilst showing us the bag of things she’s seen out and about for their cousins & waiting to give them despite it not being a Christmas or birthday present. Since they’ve fell out she was trying to arrange all this with our kids & my kids are just to busy & don’t feel the need to make her feel happy. She’ll text my oldest daughter whilst shopping asking if she likes this top or perfume & my daughter says it makes her feel awkward and rude when she says no. Which she does. She now ignores those messages & only responds to ones that are asking how her day is etc they never wanted the money but they did crave the attention. Watching nanny make sure the cousins where centre of attention at family gatherings & ours pretty much ignored hasn’t harmed them massively but it has harmed the grandchild/grandma relationship

My dsis had many years of recieving money from my parents.
It never bothered myself or my other dsis.
It's not that she didn't have a good job but she was a spender and was a single mum to 2 dc.

In the last 2 years, my df has died and my dm appears to be helpless as a functional human being. My dsis who received the financial help has stepped up and shoulders the main burden of looking after her, whilst my other dsis and myself are buzzing that we don't have to.
So yeah, it's all turned out well in the long run 😅

The redundancy thing maybe isn't as bad as it sounds.

They didn't offer help and we didn't ask. I genuinely think if we had asked they would have helped.

Times when it's been stretched financially we've dealt with it ourselves and managed.

There's no other sense of being treated differently or favoured or anything to suggest an unequal relationship

I suspect my parents don't see the issue. I'm certain my DP see it as actually making sure it is even by making sure DSis and I and our families have even outcomes in life......even if our respective personal inputs are significantly different

Agree with everyone else..this arrangement is not fair and rather strange that they are enabling her to have a carefree life but still being able to have luxuries others have to work hard for. I think I would be asking them why they do it. It sounds like both sister and her partner can work but choose not to. If they opt out of work, they opt out of earning a decent wage to afford nice things.
Yes in the long run you might benefit as you are used to being independent and when the bank of mum and dad no longer exists they will find a big difference....unless your parents also have a will that favours her too.

You also say you would love to give up your job if you could, well the chances are that you could give it up but you choose not to as you like the money. It may be that your sister would quite happily be living on less but isn't going to turn down a top up that is being freely offered. You however have chosen to follow the money rather than prioritising work life balance etc. If you make that choice freely to show that you have other prioriites than money you may find that your parents offer some support as well however it sounds like so far you prioritise the corporate jobs and money.

My friend had lovely parents

she was a lesbian and her parents thought she would never get married (this is easily 30-35 years ago) and when they paid for their other daughters wedding they gave my friend a lump sum

she did end up getting married more recently

I think they were very knowledgable and fair parents

This is all as cringey as hell.

OP, it sounds like your dad is offering you money now that you've mentioned you need some.

Maybe your sister asked for money to help her out with her lifestyle. Maybe it's coming out of her share of the inheritance.

Maybe they'd have given you money when your husband was made redundant if you'd asked for it.

I would be upset.

If you need monthly help with your mortgage then you can't really afford to go on holiday. I would also be upset that when I have been telling the family our plans, adventures your parents have been totting up cost give hand over to your sister.

Out of interest, are you close to your sister?

I agree with the PPs saying to tell your parents that you didn't realise that they would help you financially and you will be pursuing the career you want rather than the one you have and you'll let them know the shortfall.

Lols - you really are deluded if you think that. Or are you really dim enough to think that footballers 'deserve' more than doctors!

I was going to say exactly the same! No way would I let this go I would have to tell my parents exactly what I thought about the situation, even if nothing changes I would want them to know how grossly unfair they have been watching you work hard at jobs you don’t particularly like whilst your sister swans about doing a job she loves for little return and they pay part of her mortgage and holidays, I would be giving her a piece of my mind as well in no uncertain terms and I wouldn’t care one jot if it upset the apple cart.

Both the sister and BIL work, they just don't do 'corporate' jobs

You don't know that. Maybe they see the value in work life balance and prioritising family, rather than corporate careers. Maybe the sister offer them more support as she has a more relaxed flexible work life. Not all value is measured in monetary terms

My parents are in their mid 60s, both healthy both active, they don't require any support from either of us at the moment.

We're both equally present and active in our parents lives. It's not like my DSis lives next door and sees them every other day and we see them once a year

Don’t let yourself become embittered by your feelings. Rise above it, carry on managing your own life with your DH and kids. Don’t expect any inheritance.
Just turn it around and be proud.

Absolutely ridiculous that your DP are financially supporting you Dsis amd BIL so they have the same lifestyle as you but without the hard work.
My sibling has received huge financial support with similar reasoning, yet we work hard and make sacrifices (stressful jobs with commute) to be able to have a decent lifestyle.
In the long run its better to be self reliant..

You have quoted an extreme example. If a sibling is a part time gym instructor and another sibling a heart surgeon working long hours after sacrificing years of training of course they deserve more money. I would make it clear to my kids what career path they need to take if they want financial rewards. If they are happy with minimal money fine but it is their decision.

On (very generously) being taken away for a weekend by my in-laws to celebrate a big birthday for FIL, they booked a large suite for BIL and his family and a standard room DH and his. BIL is a self made multimillionaire. BIL is my MIL golden child.
What was worse was that the kids had said their cousins had a huge room and I had told them they must be mistaken. It was only on calling by MIL after the weekend to say thank you, she told me that she had booked BIL a suite as they were used to more space than we were. I was genuinely so shocked I couldn’t speak.

IL’s have already said they intend to leave any inheritance on an equal split.

It's awful is what it is, basically your sister has chosen a life floating around doing yoga rather than a career and so can't afford a nice lifestyle. She's had none of the stress or hard work you have yet she's been rewarded by them propping her up. Meanwhile you bust your arses in demanding careers to afford your nice lifestyle, with some difficulties such as redundancy along the way completely ignored by your parents. I'd be so upset if my parents did this, it's the secrecy more than anything that would bother me, if they were offering this help they should have been open and then reduced how much she gets in their will to make things fair, imagine your parents being complicit in the secret for years. I'd struggle for it not to impact our relationship, it wouldn't be about the money for me, more the lies and secrecy.

Your useless sister and her useless husband should be ashamed of themselves living off your parents at their ages when they are perfectly capable of getting better paid jobs - all so that they can have the same lifestyle as their hardworking sister and BIL without any of the actual hard work involved. I would not be able to forgive my parents for this blatant enabling and favouritism. You will probably find their wills are skewed in favour of your sister and her children too because they “need it more”. As pp have said, your parents have, in effect, left you far worse off than your sister because you have to work hard and sacrifice your time/time with your kids/mental health (the stress load) for your lifestyle when she has none of these burdens.

Lots of parents do this - they want equality of outcome. There's nothing you can do about it - how could you say you want your sister to be worse off than you? Maybe remember that they would have done the same for you if this situation was reversed. And don't be too free with financial information in the future.

^^ This.

I would be inclined to meet up with your parents (just your dad?) and say something along the lines of - Mum, Dad, I had no idea you were prepared to subsidize our lives so much. DH and I have hated the long hours we’ve had to put in, and the living in the city (or whatever). It’s great know we don’t have to do that anymore. DH has always wanted to be a piano teacher and I’m planning on setting up a tarot reading studio. If we do that in January, will you cover the cost of our move to the country or should we move first and just let you know the cost of the holiday we’ve got booked for the summer? Do you subsidize bills too?