To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

I think an honest conversation with your parents is worth a try. Otherwise it will fester. It's a shit situation.

I would start massively over paying your mortgage & pensions, keep quiet about that and scale back your outward lifestyle as you “can’t afford it anymore”.

So make it fair now.

I could have wrote this!
ive always struggled financially and always rented, yet my sister who was a single parent and owned a big 3 bedroom house with minimal mortgage.
Sold her house and bought a new one and was then mortgage free.
Turns out our mother had paid a really high deposit on the house so she had small monthly mortgage repayments. Every car she’s owned was bought by our mother, she even paid for my sister’s driving lessons!
My 2 nieces are treated exactly the same, driving lessons paid for and cars paid for, whilst my daughters have struggled financially and have paid for everything themselves!!

I'd be very unhappy with this. I would have no problem with my DP helping siblings out if things were tight e.g. about to lose their home, struggling to put food on the table, can't afford kids school shoes etc etc, or the odd bit of money here and there towards a holiday for example. But I'd have a massive problem with them regularly giving them money to spend on 'luxuries' they can't afford on their own just to level up with me and the lifestyle I had achieved through hard work and sacrifices.

You have to treat siblings the same, otherwise it just breeds resentment.

I'd be so hurt and angry. It's so not on.

That’s awful of your parents, and sister. I would ask how much money your parents have given her in total, challenge the idea that this was ‘only fair’ when she had many opportunities to make different choices, and express anger and hurt at the different treatment.

I'm not surprised you are resentful OP. Your parents have subsidised your sister so she can have a stress free enjoyable job and luxuries while you've had to have the stress in order to faciliitate yours. I think the fact they've supported her to enjoy taking on less while you had no offer of help when under strain with uour husbands redundancy is something to bring up with them.

Would you feel so resentful of her getting support money if your sister had had to push herself with work as you did? It probably looks to you like she can choose to work or not, but doesn't actually have to, while you've always had to. Have they ever offered you money when you've needed it? Redundancy aside? Di they help you in different ways? Childcare, emotional support etc? Or is this just one thing in a line of your sister being favoured?

IME this isn’t uncommon. There’s often inequality with inheritance. In a wealthy family I know they left everything to the child who lived beyond means so ended up needing propping up as they saw it. Nothing at all to other children.

If you have a child that’s a millionaire & another struggling to get by - do you leave both equal amounts? Many don’t.

Another reason I am so grateful to be an only child!

I'd ask why - given what has come to light - they didn't help you when your husband was made redundant. I really would. Or the resentment would grow.

I think it’s totally unfair. The extra money doesn’t mean your sister and her husband have a lifestyle that’s equivalent to yours, it means they have a much better lifestyle without as much stress, hard work, commuting and long hours.

Been there. No - it is not fair. I have been upset about it for 30 years. But it was not hidden in my situation. Unless they are planning on leaving you a significantly higher amount in their wills.

That’s incredibly unfair.

I think you have to keep out of it then

surely independence is better - or do you feel you would have done things different if you knew parents would subsidise?

One thing though - reconcile your feelings or it will eat away at you - hard I know

id feel proud if I was you

This wouldn’t bother me. My siblings have had substantial financial help from our parents to get on the property ladder, pay for weddings etc. whereas I have always refused it, preferring to be completely self-sufficient. Everyone’s different and I don’t begrudge my siblings getting ‘help’.

Me too…

This & also how hurtful the secrecy has been. If they truly felt they were doing nothing wrong, then this would have all been out in the open but the secrecy shows they know this isn't right & is unfair to you.

Sorry Op, this is really hurtful & unfair on both you & your DCs.

Fuck, I'd never even thought about this. You're so right.

You had a choice. Big difference.

I would ask them how much they are paying. It’s not fair at all.

But the OP has never been offered it and that’s the difference

Before this came out, did you always think your parents treated you and your dsis the same?

Would you treat your kids differently if they were in the same situation as you and your sister?

FWIW - my parents have always subbed my sister. I realise now that they have always always favoured her and this narrative they have over subbing her is one way they can validate their preferential treatment of her.