To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

If there was no issue why then did your sister never mention it before? There was a. Code of omertà because they realize this could be viewed as favoritism so best not discuss with you. Your father letting you know so that when it comes to inheritance ‘your in the loop’ it’s not a loan and the house will be split evenly between you and sister with no accounting for the gift of money she received all theses years. There are no accidents. BTW she is liable for tax for money as a benefit in kind.

Did you read it?

I too would go and ask my parents what is going on.
I think you should be glad that you don't have to rely on someone to help with your finances, but you do desevere an explanation.
Perhaps they have some sort of agreement of sorts, but I can understand why you are upset, I would be too.

Golden child - black sheep dynamic comes in many, many forms.

The black sheep usually have no help or support and learn very early on that they are on their own even within their own families. They have to work for every penny and claw their way to safety.

Golden child is deemed too ‘precious’ and valuable to suffer, so everyone must support poor golden child to live the life she/he was destined to have - as of course they deserve a contented easy life

When black sheep falls on hard times or becomes ill or burnt out, they are on their own. After all it’s good for them to suffer some adversity.

When golden child fails, and falls on hard times - heaven and earth is moved to support them in every way possible. After all, all good families support their children.

It is going to be very very hard to watch this play out in the coming years for op, assuming she doesn’t decide to protect herself and her children and walk away.

Op will be able to look back and see how unfair it has always been, and stand by and watch her golden child sister and her children receive every privilege possible to smooth her way through life in the future.

Op will be expected to grit her teeth and stay quiet for the sake of a ‘happy family’ in reality it might be much harder than some on here suggest. It is the fundamental injustice and dishonesty at the root which is rotten in families like this.

All of this nonsense makes me want to leave all my money to a cat sanctuary, adult children have no rights to their parents money or any say in how their parents spend their money. It’s interesting how the majority see how these parents have decided to spend their money as secretive and dishonest that honestly blows my mind!

The op has a victim mentality. In truth the parents' actions have had literally no effect on her own family. They are not a penny poorer for it.
As for the claims of dishonesty and lying, pfft! Noone has lied to her, she hasnt asked, and is not owed knowledge or explanation of her parents' or sister's finances. Only people who are crass or gauche talk about their finances.

It was secretive.

And failure to be open about such payments in a family who see each other regularly is dishonest. It's lying by omission.

And yes of course they are entitled to spend their own money however they like as long as they don't give a shit about how one of their children might feel about it.

It was bollocks like this that made me ask my parents to write me out of their wills when I was in my 40s

Brilliant post!

Just baiting. Best ignored.

I think most siblings who are close and meet often know each others finances pretty well.

The OP is a victim. She is a victim of huge favouritism towards her sister by her parents, who she had some right to expect to treat her with equal consideration and love. Instead they gave her sister a much better lifestyle than she has had. And hid that fact.

You're victim blaming here, I'm afraid.

Well we can't know for sure if it was secretive here...did they deliberate keep this from op which it is not clear from op posts to be honest. Or just not mention it as never came up in conversation. I don't know the ins and outs of what my dad spends his money on - and would never expect him to tell me, even if he set a direct debit to my sisters bank account - why should I get to know? It's not my business or money?

Again this is adult children expecting money from their parents when they have no right. If you are fortune to get money from them (while they are alive or in their will) that's fine but you shouldn't expect it. Perhaps if adult children had less expectations around their inheritance we would see fewer family fallouts.

The OP isn’t actually expecting money. Her sister on the other hand is totally expecting it every month for 10 years 😂 are you talking about her? 😂

I think the next conversation goes, "Mum, Dad, I've thought about what you've said and I realise now that you're right, it's not about money. I apprecoate that it must have been hard for DSis to watch us afford what we can afford over the years and that's why you chose to give her the same amount. However, what's been hard for me is watching her and DBIL have so much time with their children while DH and I worked so long and hard.

What I didn't realise all these years was that there was another option, which is to work fewer hours, spend more time with our little family and enjoy the same lifestyle nonetheless. Now that I know that's an option, I would like to avail myself of it exactly as DSis has. I assume that's fine - shall we start that at the end of my notice period at my job?"

They won't say, "oh yes, darling, that's fine!" - there will be a million excuses and recriminations but the blatant favouritism and lack of fairness towards you will be very stark at that point.

And you see it on here a lot, posters complaining about having wealthy parents who won't subsidise their lives. Adult children discussing their inheritance especially whilst their parents live, is quite disgusting.

Have you got siblings and parents you see often?

I find the idea of a sister close in age and geography who doesn't mention that their father is paying for her family holiday and that not being deliberately keeping it secret from her is utterly laughable.

Isn't this a little different though if they are autistic? It's really hard for autistic people to find work - only something like 15% work full time.

I agree the artist one is annoying as that's a choice.

You are making assumption about the sister here, obviously she is being seen as the evil one here, unfairly, as we don't have her side of the story. So typical of mumsnet. Majority of people on here are expecting money to be equally split between siblings... so yes they have expectations about where parents money will go, whether that be while they are alive or once they die.

Parenting skills? The 'children' are in their 40s 😂😂. The parenting phase finished decades ago!!

Every family dynamic is different - so what might appear utterly laughable to you might be the case in another family. For what it's worth yes I have siblings who I see often and one parent left living.

How is it fair your sister gets the same lifestyle as you without any effort on her part? A discrepancy was revealed in my own family (because my step mother got drunk) I was very upset, but I eventually decided to accept it in order to still have a relationship with my very elderly Dad- if he had been younger (he was 91) I probably would have cut off all communication with them.
It's your call how important is your family connection to you? Your parents will never accept what they have done, and continue to do, is unfair- it depends how strongly you feel about that.

I actually think the parents are the victims here. The op is berating her parents on hiw they choose to use their own money.Threatening NC or getting angry about how her aging parents want to spend their own money is controlling behaviour! No 2 ways about it!

🤣🤣🤣

Hadn't thought of it like this - but actually you've got a point that is very controlling to threaten NC. Not sure I would go as far to say the parents are victims here. We're only hearing one side of the story as always. Would be interesting to get the parents and sisters..

I expect that this, ultimately, comes down to the OP’s parents not being able to tolerate having a child who doesn’t have everything they want them to have. I expect the parents had aspirations for their children growing up and living a certain lifestyle. Rather than accept that one child didn’t achieve this, or chose something different, they provide what is needed, and want as little as possible said or acknowledged about this, in order to try and pretend that the sibling has ‘succeeded’.

I expect the secrecy has a lot to do with trying to think about the real situation as little as possible, and working hard at denying feelings of disappointment they have in the off spring that requires financial support to live the life the parents want them to have. In this instance, the off spring seems happy to accept the support but if they weren’t, or if the parents weren’t in a position to provide it, I can imagine the thread that the sibling would start!

@Carycach4ive not read that the OP has threatened to go no contact.