To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

But is it fair that they get to have a more laid back life doing jobs they enjoy while you and your dh are dealing with the long hours and stress of corporate life? If they wanted to make it fair they should subsidise you so you could go part-time or to try and make a career out of a hobby. But they're not doing that. They're only ensuring your sister gets the financial rewards associated with the corporate jobs but not doing anything to ensure you can have a relaxed lifestyle like your sister.

That is absolutely awful xx

Imagine sponging off mum and dad in middle age, how mortifying. Have they no self respect? And yes, it's bloody unfair.

I think it’s awful on their behalf, the secrets, the length of time it’s been going on, the fact that you struggled they didn’t even offer.

they are funding a carefree life for your sister while you have to earn every penny. They clearly have surplus money, and they have never thought to do something nice for you?

honestly you aren’t over reacting, it’s incredibly hurtful m. I don’t always do exactly the same for my dc at the same time, but whatever resources I have, they will both feel the benefits.

I dont agree with @Stompythedinosaur and i dont care if it sounds transactional but it not fair and it wont play out like this.

they are getting THOUSANDS plural each year over a decade or two this is easily 50k /100k / 200k.
What will happen is your parents wwill keep subsidising them then die they'll get their inheritance ...and you'll get your ls which will be less than 50% because they gave £££ to subsidise her life..and she'll still have a charmed subsidised existence.

She's getting a NICER life than you.
I'd want equivalent and Id be totally fucked off she was getting free holidays when ypur DH was out of work (the job market is dire... I know people out of work 18m +)

I agree with this. Not offering help during a redundancy when they’re funding their other child’s holidays is quite shocking to me tbh.

And I’d be hurt by the rest of it. I don’t think parents should always treat children exactly the same but I do think that they should offer children the same opportunities. But you weren’t aware that apparently it’s ok to quit your job, do something less stressful, and still have the money! They’re giving her a much better lifestyle than you, because she doesn’t have the stress and the hours and the childcare. It’s not even evening things up.
And I agree with a PP that I’d be even more upset if I’d been using childcare and holiday clubs etc while my parents’ money had been letting my sister spend more time with her children.

It would really change how I thought of my parents. In fact it did really change how I thought of my parents when they gave my sister a significant amount of money for a house deposit so that she “didn’t have to worry about money” (she was going to buy the house anyway, mortgage approved etc, so it wasn’t like she couldn’t get on the housing ladder. They just wanted to massively reduce her mortgage payments). Obviously they can do what they want with their money. But I am also allowed to feel how I want about it!
It’s not about wanting the money myself, it’s about my parents clearly never thinking “how is Albatross doing? Could we make her life easier in any way, just because we can? We want to help her”. But clearly they did have that thought about my sister. And the issue is then wondering, why is it they want to help her, and don’t want to help me.

It depends on what their resources are

so you feel they been able to pursue more fun employments than you?

You are not petty or jealous . My DF does the same. My DSis had a great income at one time in her life. Didn’t work much, spent loads of money, big house, cleaner, nanny etc lots of throwing money down the drain and saved nothing for her future
I’ve been a single parent on my uppers but always worked full time & saved hard- never had a penny from anyone
My other DSis & I are both retired and financially stable but she’s now single & working ( part-time) for the first time in her life , still receiving money from her ex despite having grown up kids and is in debt due to not changing her life style post divorce
DF subsidises her endless spending as she constantly tells him that she’s skint & he feels sorry for her.
While DSis & I both live frugally on a modest incomes she has the newest car, changes her furniture every year and subsidises her own grown up kids endlessly
She tells him that we are both lucky while she’s the victim
I’m perfectly happy as I am but feel pissed off that she can’t or won’t take responsibility for her own spending and gets treated totally differently to her siblings

my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

That's awful. It doesn't sound like your sister is incapable of living independently (as some siblings are - and genuinely need a bit more help). She's just been given the luxury parts whereas you were left to struggle.

I'd be raging tbh, but I don't know how I'd broach this.

If you are brave enough you could say I wasn’t aware it was an option to more time, less stress, less commute and the same lifestyle.

Since you mentioned subsiding sisters family choices I’ve emailed my boss about decreasing my hours. Do I need to let you know my shortfall and bank details?

Your lifestyle is worse than your sisters as you will be time poor. Awful that they haven’t considered this.

I'm OK with parents treating their children differently. BUT I think it should be fairly. And I don't think this is fair.
Do you think it's been kept a secret from you?

I’d want to know how much money it was because unless your parents are very rich it seems improbable that it was anywhere equivalent to the difference between your respective household incomes. And because it’d make a different

If it was some holidays and £100 a month towards the mortgage, might be able to get past it.

I have seen with with DH and SIL but the biggest pressure they are/have caused by doing this is between the siblings themselves, husband unhappy he was/has been treated differently to his sister. My PIL would love nothing more than the both of them to be on speaking terms at the very least but they cannot see that they themselves have caused the problem that has led to years of resentment between their own children. I suggest parents as i have be mindful of this, i do not make any difference with mine as i have seen the outcome that can occur.

Have not rtft, but I’d be tempted to propose to you parents that both you and DH swap your pressured jobs for (insert your dream job). Would then be interesting to know whether both you and your DSis get help, or on the contrary neither of you get help, since suddenly your respective incomes have self-levelled thanks to your job change?

I would be outraged, fucking furious to quote a previous poster.

My parents have helped both my sister and I out in the past, though never regular handouts. But they’ve always made sure the other sibling knows about it and that it’s evened up somewhere, usually by a cash gift to the same value.

i would find the secrecy really really hard to accept. Really no one has told you about this? I think that’s awful.

This to me is good parenting

I supplement my dd's income as she is in a low paying job. BUT siblings know and agree that it is necessary. Where I have given money to help with a house deposit for one child, it is in my will that this sum is be deducted from that child's inheritance and added to the inheritance of sibling so that both will have received equal sums from me. Everything is done openly.

I think that it is the fact that OP's parents chose to conceal the support, that stings.

Due a long and boring story my dad had been helping me out loads with money this year.
It didnt even occur to him that my sister might need the same help until l pointed it out, so he has now evened it up.
Maybe your parents think you dont need help?

my sister has had financial help that i haven't had. she has different struggles to me and was not always able to work and get on her own feet like i have. i don't begrudge her that at all. she's my sister and i love her.

how much money are they actually giving her? she is a lot poorer than you and you and your husband both have well paying jobs according to you. surely they cannot be paying her enough to bridge the gap every single month?

"fair" doesn't always mean "exactly the same in every single way". would you rather see her struggle and stress about making ends meet?

Gosh I don't think I could come back from this in all honesty. It would be the discrepancy in the stresses of daily life and any impacts on kids, not the treats like holidays. I would have to explain this to them and see what they say. Is my sibling was really struggling of course I'd want them to have help but that's not what this is. And it would be open.

Feel for you OP. I assume your sis will be taking on the role of full time carer to your parents in old age as she is indebted to them?

I used to be resentful of this situation as my sister has had the same opportunities as myself and brother but has never been able to do well in wxams or hold on to a job. However over the years I have come to realise she probably has learning difficulties and mental health issues so a great job was probably not on the cards for her. She is still wasteful eg take ubers everywhere instead of public transport. However, on balance I feel more blessed than her so am less resentful.

I suppose the other question is why do you think you deserve to have a nicer life than your sister and BIL just because you chose corporate jobs. It sounds like your sister and BIL both work full time but you perceive your job as more important or valuable just because it pays more. All that's happening is your parents are evening up the socially constructed imbalance that means that you and your husband are paid substantially more for your work than your BIL and sister are paid for their work. You have described your jobs as corporate so unlikely to be particularly socially valuable or altruistic. It sounds like you are actually a bit bitter about the fact that you know you have a job you are just in for the money and your sister isn't in that position.

That’s not fair. I have one daughter who struggles massively with her mental health and she will always be an artist writer type with sole money.
And then another couple of scientists and a civil servant who will work their arse off for everything that they get.

If I give £500 a month to the artist to keep her afloat then the other two would also get £500 and I don’t care if they What they spend it on.

This. Their reaction would be very telling.