To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

I think the thing that would hurt the most (don’t know if it’s the case for you) is if their subsidies allowed your sister/BIL to spend more time with their children while yours have to deal with childcare / after school clubs etc. I think I’d find that unforgivable.

Thanks everyone for the replies

I was expecting to get flamed as a grabby jealous sibling and to be told it's their money to do with as they please!

I’d bide some time before talking to them so you at least don’t feel so raw and know what you want to say. It’s shit, it’s unfair to you and it infantilises your sister, which in the long run is also not good for her.

Well when they need help in their dotage the Golden Child can help them.
I'm not sure I could see any of them in the same light again.

Yeah, it's definitely allowed a different household setup in my DSis house r.e. childcare and parents being at home after school more than in ours.

That's not of course to say our kids are out roaming the streets and eating cold beans out of a tin for tea.

my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

God, I'd missed this bit. This would make me even angrier and more upset.

And just the blatant secrecy, from all of them!!

I would start asking for money, sorry 😭😭😭

This is so hurtful, especially if they didn't offer help when you needed it. I don't think anyone could flame that!

If you are going to have the conversation with your parents (I would!) I think manage your expectations of how it will go. Have clear points you want to impart, and focus on how it's impacted you to find out about the favouritism.

If you're not happy in your career, could you ask for their support while you retrain in a passion area? Or while you reduce hours to have the same time with your kids your Dsis has with hers? Just because you don't 'need' this doesn't mean you can't ask now - your family set the precedent of wants being important too.

OP, it’s not fair, but as a parent, sometimes you are not scrupulously “fair” to all your DC because there are times when one of them needs something there and then, so you help them with it. My DH and I once bought one of the DC something outrageously expensive for a birthday, to try and further a career they were then pursuing. One of the other DC brings it up occasionally as an example of not-fairness, and it isn’t fair, but at the time I was tearing my hair out over DC and wondering if they would ever get out in the world and get a career whereas the sibling was already established. Fair? No, no, but it was necessary at the time. On the other hand, a regular supplement to income is something rather different, and YANBU to feel aggrieved.

I don't think that all the implications have occurred to you yet, OP.

There will have been multiple conversations, a lot of "Don't tell your sister", a lot of transfers of money to their bank accounts.

Also, is the money counted as a gift? Or income? Have your parents had professional advice on this? Do your sister and BIL have to declare it for tax purposes?

And if it's a gift, who's the money coming from? Because they will have to pay tax on any given to them less than seven years before the relevant parents dies. (Bit morbid, sorry, but this whole situation is horrid.)

So, your sister and BIL get their lovely low-pressure lifestyles, thanks to your parents. While you and your DH work hard, deal with redundancy, and sort childcare because of your jobs.

I think I'd say something to them, because its the sort of thing that's going to fester and ruin your relationship. Because unfairness isn't just about the disadvantage, it's about the emotional questions. The big WHY are they favouring their other child, that is going to unsettle you and make you feel sidelined and insecure of your place in their affections.
I'd tell them that you were surprised to hear that they treated you differently. And while you understood it was their money, and you have no right to it, its made you feel second place.
See what they say.

Also all the lying. The hidden family dynamic that OP knew nothing about. The secrets. The lies-by-omission.

That's the thing. It is different. Plus your other child knew.

I think sometimes to try and give kids equity you can't always be fair but you should be upfront and honest with both and explain your rationale if you care about them. Like your gift to further a career - made total sense.

Here, it is a continual supplement in the context of the sibling and her husband (lets not forget he is also choosing to continue a career path he could actually step up in - landscapers can make loads if they're willing to work their arses off) choosing to work less/in roles they enjoy because they're being supplemented and OP and her husband not being given the same choice. How does her parents know she is happy in her career. I get it that you want your kids to do jobs they love and not be miserable, and so may help one whose passion job pays less than the other so both can be happy, but you'd think theyd at least check the one earning we'll actyally IS happy doing what they think they have to do

It came out as we were talking about holidays and ideas and how now the kids are all getting older accomodation was becoming more costly etc.
DF said something like you'll need to let me know the cost of your plans
And I jokingly said "oh dad, are you putting your hand in your pocket to send us all on holiday"

I think this might have been you DF offering - clumsily - to help you out with the cost of the holiday, and perhaps awkwardly trying to now even things up and realising that things are a bit unequal and unfair between you the way they’ve done things.

It could be that they massively favour your sister. Or it could be that they want to see you both do well and fell into supporting your DSis - perhaps originally thinking it was short term while they “got on their feet” with their alternative careers ??? - and now want to fix it.

I think a conversation is in order so it doesn’t fester. Perhaps consider what help from them would make a difference to you. Would you like to cut hours, change to a more wfh role, or jsut some help with the holiday costs ? Will your DC need help with university or buying first homes in future which DGP can support with?

One of my siblings was treated very differently to the other two of us. Any guesses as to the sex of the favoured sibling? This is one of very very many reasons I am LC with my remaining parent. I do not blame the sibling concerned. It is not their fault.
This has made me always want to treat my children exactly the same and we have told them to tell us if they ever feel anything is unfair. We always try and give the same financial gifts. We will not wait to even it out in our will. All our money could go on a care home.

I’d be pissed. Your sister and her husband should be embarrassed

Bloody hell, I'd be raging. My parents supplemented my DB for a while and also helped him and his wife with childcare. I got nothing (but geography meant they couldn't have helped me anyway) but it wasn't to the extent of your family.

Deciding that your sister 'has to have' the same lifestyle as you without having to work for it, while you and your DH are working for your income is absolutely wrong, unless your DSis has a reason (poor mental health, physical disability) for not being able to work as hard as you.

So should the parents. They've all be lying/covering up to the OP and her DH for a long, long time.

It's the keeping secrets that I would be uncomfortable with. Obviously it's their money but I would definitely have a clear the air chat with them and I can understand why you're hurt

My parents have subbed my sibling my whole adult life.

At times we’ve really struggled and had to budget hard / go without - but such is life. We managed and got through.

the difference between me and them - is that no matter how hard it’s been - everything we’ve got / not got is ours - aren’t and paid for by us… we have our self esteem. - that matters far more to me than accepting handouts that they have done their whole adult life despite being higher earners than us.

it does sometimes sting a little as it does seem ‘unfair’ but I’m not a child - I don’t want to live with my hand out waiting for my pocket money.

I let them all get on with it - I have little respect for either my sibling or parents for facilitating them.

But I give it very little thought as I like our way better.

Similar in my family, although my mother hasn't made much effort to keep it a secret, though I suspect I don't know the full extent of it. Like you, i don't 'need' the money but I've been refused coffee at a nice coffee shop because it was too expensive after she spent an hour telling me all about the exotic holiday she was going on with a sibling and funding.

You may need to be prepared for the ripples of this to spread quite wide. It is going to change how you feel about your parents and your sibling, and it's likely to make you look back and realise you thought your life was one way and find out it was actually another. It's going to hurt. I'm sorry. I don't have much advice beyond that. It's a really tough thing to deal with.

Why does he think that one family member should get to choose a more laid back lifestyle etc, only to be topped up to make the same as the harder working sibling? What if you couldn't afford to go on the same holiday she was talking about, would he be offering it to you?

What is his stance on benefits etc etc?

“And it seems the reason is it’s not really fair for me and DH to have this lifestyle and DSIs and her family not to”

Was it explicitly explained as this is the reason? If so, this is very strange - even stranger that no help came when your DH was made redundant. Did your parents reduce their financial support to your sister in those months then? Doubt it.

I can absolutely understand how you feel because it is totally unfair. Your parents may have had all good intentions but they have subsidised one child because they choose not to work hard or make provision for their children. Whereas you and your husband have worked relentlessly and missed put on family time. I think you should let your parents know how and why this revelation has upset you. If they think you are being unreasonable, lef them read this MN stream. I would be interested in hearing the outcome.

It would make me pig sick. The imbalance. The injustice. I would be so hurt.