To be shocked my parents treat me and DSis differently

[RipsMyKnitting]

Xmas day dinner at my parents, me, DH, DSis BIL, 4 grandkids. All having a great time, we all get on well. No dramas at all.

My DF let's slip that they've been supplementing my DSis household income for years

My DH and I have worked hard and enjoy the security and lifestyle our efforts are yielding. We both have corporate jobs that we don't mind but that we'd happily give up if we could.

DSis has always been open about having a different outlook on life and not wanting a high pressure carer and a commute etc etc. She's a yoga instructor and her DH is a self employed landscaper. They have a similar lifestyle to ours and jobs they love and I always assumed they earn well which is obviously great to make good money doing something you love, close to home in hours that suit your desire around work/life balance.

But it turns out they don't make good money, they are given financial support by my parents to afford a lifestyle that's on a par with ours. And it seems the reason is it's not really fair for me and DH to have this type of lifestyle and DSis and her family not to.

How would others feel? Not sure how I feel, I'm embarrassed to admit I feel a little resentful and jealous.

It's obviously my parents money and theirs to spend however I they want but I feel a little hurt, theres been time where we've been stretched, my DH was made redundant a few years ago and had a spell of our of work for several months. There was never any offer of help to us at that point.

Happy to be told I'm being petty and jealous. I wish I'd never heard about it. I was blissfully unaware and quite happy for my DSis to have a good life and jobs they loved.

Parents can unfairly subsidise a sibling if they choose to, it's their money.
It is deeply unfair though to favour one child to the tune of £200k over a decade. OP might have had more time with her children and a nicer life too.

It's the secrecy that's the worst. How parents are able to behave like this is heartbreaking because they're allowing one child to be weak. I've experienced it, and sibling has been affected for life, super entitled and no work ethic, no pension, very victim based, especially now parent is no longer with us.

Millionaire Next Door covers this and it's a very real thing, with deep impact.

I feel so sorry they were so deceitful and hope you can focus on you. Your sister is no better for accepting this for so long, simply because she wants an easy life .

Your hard work means you get treated worse, her lack of work out of choice, gets favouritism. Disgusting.

This is a stark example but I think it happens a lot in families. One child is designated the sucessful one that doesn't need help, end result is unequal treatment that results in resentment. No answers only empathy. I am also the "sucessful one" in my family, as a result of lots of hard work and sacrifice over the years.

I feel for you, OP. But the upside is you are now completely off the hook when it comes to elderly care. After all, you can't afford the time off work!

It’s playing favourites and just absolutely shit parenting. But it’s good you’ve found out really, OP - I know ignorance is bliss but at least you know now that your parents are twats and your sister is grabby and they’ve all being lying to you for years. You can choose to limit any future interaction with them. I would (in fact, I do).

Same. But everyone conveniently overlooks my lifelong struggle with ADHD, depression and addiction while framing me as the ‘resilient’ one and my sister (who has no such issues, but is just lazy so has never really worked despite our parents spending tons on various courses for her) as the one who needs all the support. I’m done with it tbh. I can’t be bothered playing happy families in a family that doesn’t actually value me at all.

Pretending it’s normal to give one child £200,000 - 300,000 is odd. I don’t know parents that have done this without offering similar to their other child.

Giving them £200,000 -300,000 based on the salary of their other child is strange. That is not based on need. It’s a warped levelling up.

Keeping it secret from the second child during ten years of chats about holidays/cars/house moves etc is just awful behaviour that goes far beyond misleading, it makes a joke of their closeness and frames the Op as the unwitting outsider. Unpleasant.

I would like to point out op has not ‘threatened’ to go no contact! Nor has she even challenged her parents on the issue. Her last post clearly stated she had chosen to leave the issue where it is. Please do not twist and make up stories.

Op has been incredibly respectful of her parent's choices, she doesn’t have to agree with her parents though nor does she need to play happy families or gloss over the awfulness of their deceit.

Been in a similar situation and what I took away from the situation was my sibling was a taker! Yes my parents gave the sibling more but the sibling took and took. Whilst the unfairness of the parent giving more to one over the other was clear to me my focus was more on the sibling taking. I can understand parents getting emotionally leant on and doing what they think is best and while it hurts the bigger frustration was the sibling.

When they say it’s topped up to your salary, is that your gross salary they’re matching? So she’s actually getting more as she’s not paying the tax you’re paying.

It’s reminding me of the latest Budget

True but others have suggested that op do this and that’s what they’ve done etc.

There is some really bad advice on here and I hope op ignores it. I still don’t agree the parents have been deceitful.

I hope you haven’t left the thread OP but continue to read so are able to witness the tsunami of support for you.
The cost of the long-haul holiday, seemingly a separate amount from the tops ups your DSis already receives, will be of interest to HMRC if it and any other irregular lump sum exceed the allowable £6K in one financial year. Should anything happen simultaneously to your parents in the next 7 years, your DSis will have to pay IHT, at 40% in the first year, immediately. Imagine 40% of the cost of a long-haul holiday for four when you can’t afford the lifestyle you currently have. Yes, there is a sliding scale but it would be foolish not to assess the maximum impact of the irresponsibility of your parents and sibling here. As your parents are “comfortable” I assume they have had financial advice…
IHT is not a debt levied against the benefactors’ estate. HMRC doesn’t wait around for probate. IHT is an instantly expected tax to be paid by the beneficiary. Some banks, however, will lend the money against the estate to pay HMRC - an IOU which you’ll have to face too, even though you haven’t “borrowed”, should the estate be left to both of you. And there’s no guarantee of that or of it existing if care home fees are involved.
Mostly PPs, myself included, have focused on the money but I’d also be aggrieved about another issue you noted:
Yeah, it's definitely allowed a different household setup in my DSis house r.e. childcare and parents being at home after school more than in ours.
Why are your DNs cared for by GPs more than yours?
That is inexcusable, however I’d bet my hat there have been differences in opinion about bringing up and looking after children; there always are, no matter how hard each generation tries. Your sister cannot overrule your parents if she’s reliant on their goodwill and financial support.
Furthermore, your DF might believe that he who pays the piper calls the tune. Whatever the situation, effectively your DSis has surrendered some of her power to your parents.
Be aware I’m not excusing your DSis. I would not want to be so enmeshed with my parents.
Have you managed to take your mother aside and speak to her about what has happened? Does she have an equal say in how their money and time are used? Your parents won’t agree on everything. Your upset might bring to the fore the doubts and disquiet she’s had.

Now is the time to get your mother on board.

In their 60s, there is time for some of this to be resolved. (I’m trying to be tactful here.) Don’t delay.

THIS, OP! @RipsMyKnitting

I would go and organise some counselling. I would start limiting what you tell your sister and parents. Don’t mention the new coat you have bought, the new fridge freezer or decorating. Every mention of something new justifies your parents decision to ‘level things up’.

I am the capable older sister. I went to uni and worked full time all my life. My parents and grandparents were gone by the time I was 32 and had kids. There has been many times when I have been on my knees with stress and exhaustion (to the stage my hair has been falling out) but I have never received any financial assistance.

I expect your sister has been receiving thousands. It’s not just a one off you’ve had a bad year we will treat you to a holiday. It’s not that she’s gone through a bad patch financially/is being crippled by nursery fees/has had poor health. Your sister is complicit in this and has willing revived these handouts (and has probably convinced herself that she deserves them). You sister and/or parents may have convinced themselves that you are far more wealthy than you actually are hence them not offering help when your husband was redundant.

Guessing the thread will be about to close at 40 pages, so just wanted to send love, @RipsMyKnitting , if you're still reading, & all the best for the future, whatever you decide to do. It's certainly not easy for you. Big hugs.

This thread has reminded me of the phrase money is the root of all evil.

I hope op ignores the bad advice and speaks more with her family to resolve this.

I'd suggest a 6 month career break, @RipsMyKnitting funded by your parents

It’s ironic that they say “why does it need to be about money now”. If it doesn’t need to be about money, why are they propping up your sister? The statement is completely at odds with how they have behaved as it’s always been about money and your sister needing the same amount of money as you. Wishing you all the best.

Christ Almighty, that's even worse!!! That they couldn't possibly have the ability to see that you might be hurt and upset, and feel like sh*t about the whole bloody fiasco???? I could not imagine, in a million years favouring, cos that's what it really is, FAVOURING one of my children to that extent, over the other two! I just couldn't! And a flamin' LONG HAUL HOLIDAY????? You cut your bloody cloth accordingly, and if you can't afford it - you don't have. You certainly don't go running to mammy and daddy!

OP hasn't threatened anything though. She is still thinking things through and won't be coming back to the thread.

Some people responding to her posts have recommended that she go no contact and to leave the care and support of her parents as they get older to her favoured sister.

OP is hurt by the secrecy and the fact that even when her husband lost his job, there was no offer of financial help at all. It's patently obvious that her sister is the favourite child and her life is so much easier than OP's as she works very part-time in a hobby job (as does her husband) so she will be able to spend lots of quality time with her children, unlike OP.

If it happened to me, I'd be completely re-thinking my relationship with my parents, but I'm definitely not as nice or as reasonable as OP.

If there's another update in the future and you feel up for it, can you please start a new thread (this one will be full) and let us know? I am so frustrated on your behalf!

Will do!

Thanks everyone. I've read every single message and thanks to those who've sent me a private message too, I really appreciate it.

Right..... definitely off this time!

👋

If you do nip back to look, I would say that with luck, your parents may now be looking at the situation with fresh eyes, possibly even feel mortified enough to realise why you (totally understandably) feel so let down by them (and your sister) especially over the secrecy. With luck your parents may apologise (possibly only tacitly - losing face may make a proper one really hard...) and the four of you may all end up with better communication skills (your sister may decide that she needs to be properly independent, you tell your parents when times are hard). In an ideal world, this shouldn't be the end of the matter, but the beginning of a fully grown-up relationship between the four of you. But I really hope your DPs make a really full, proper apology when they've had time to reflect.

I’d say not a chance of this given their defensiveness

Do what you want with your own money, sure. But if you decided to bring two kids into the world, and then decide one has to work hard but you’ll subsidise the other one to not work as hard, that’s fair is it? Mind blowing!

@RipsMyKnitting I know you're still processing the shock. It's not about the money. If your sister had hard times and needed help for a period, yep all good, noone would begrudge that. But she hasn't had hard times. She made a lifestyle choice that produces little income. She hasn't tried to live within her means, she's put her hand out to your parents so she gets the same rewards as you do working in a high pressure career.

It is not a matter of pride that you're independent. That's a cop out by your dad. I would make your parents see what that independence has cost you - less time with your kids, less leisure time.

I would also put them on an information diet. Share nothing that would require "equalling up" for your sister.

I'm not sure how old your kids are. Are you planning for them to go to private school? That would be another thing your parents would "even up". In which instance, I'd be asking them to pay your kids fees as well. You could put the money you would have used for the fees into accounts for your kids so they're well set up for their futures.

At the end of the day, I could not deal with that level of betrayal. I'd draw back. Not noticeably, surface relationships would be as they are, but I'd no longer trust them enough to share important things.