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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Baby ill from friend's toddler

212 replies

Biscuit94 · 26/12/2025 22:39

Hi all,

I have a 5 month old baby. Just over a week before Christmas my friend said she was up for Christmas and asked if she could pop round. She showed up on my doorstep with her toddler coughing and spluttering everywhere. I was surprised and thought maybe it was just a lingering cough, but she cheerily announced that he was always ill from nursery these days and walked straight in.

I understand that my baby is going to get ill and be exposed to all kinds of stuff, but why the hell would you do it just before Christmas?

Anyway, I came down with the cold a couple of days later, followed by my DH and then my poor baby girl on Christmas Eve. I thought she had gotten away with it as I am breastfeeding and thought maybe she had antibodies from me, but the poor little thing has been coughing and sneezing, struggling to sleep from the congestion and having more watery poos than normal :(. Absolutely gutted for her and even worse that it is over Christmas. Making sure to feed often, use Calpol and saline spray/a baby vapour rub. She slept on my DH for 5 hours last night and then me for another 5 as she is so uncomfortable lying flat in her bassinet.

I am so angry upset at my friend for not bothering to give me a heads-up/postpone/leave her toddler with his grandparents who she is staying with.

AIBU?

OP posts:
FurForksSake · 26/12/2025 22:42

Once you are beyond the baby years you do just crack on with illnesses. If baby was a newborn I’d say you weren’t being unreasonable, but a mild cold isn’t something you can or should 100% avoid.

My toddler gave my newborn rsv and he ended up in hospital on oxygen at Christmas 10 years ago. It was just one of those things, you can’t shelter them completely.

ThreeSixtyTwo · 26/12/2025 22:44

I'm afraid that people are just selfish and it will be your job to protect your baby from easily avoidable risks. Cheeky fuckers count on other people's unwillingness to be in awkward situation. Don't let them win

Hankunamatata · 26/12/2025 22:45

Annoying but it's life. You or dh could have easily picked up a cold somewhere else and gave it to dd

Buntingglobe · 26/12/2025 22:46

Not unreasonable at all, I’ve got a toddler and if she was ill I’d always check with whoever I was visiting to see if they still wanted us to go, even if we were going to visit another toddler. It’s common courtesy and gives you the opportunity to say no. You can’t shelter them forever but I think there’s a difference between catching a virus while out and about and actively being around someone unwell in your own home.

Bankquestions · 26/12/2025 22:47

I agree with you OP. Pisses me off- if you don’t know you have something then fine but if you know you’re carrying a virus stay away from me! It goes round the whole family and it’s awful- time off school - work - Christmas etc - selfish!

liveforsummer · 26/12/2025 22:49

Tbf your baby doesn’t know it’s Xmas and you could easily have picked up the bug elsewhere, for instance out shopping. Being the owner of a toddler she probably just saw it as the norm and is used to cracking on.

Lyra87 · 26/12/2025 22:50

I understand your frustration. You're in the early stages so all illnesses are more worrying. My 2 year old went to a 1 year olds party who was sick (I didn't know until we got to the party) My 2 year old was then sick for a week. My point is, it's swings and roundabouts. If you stopped a toddler leaving the house whenever they have a cold, you'd go nowhere.

MummaMummaJumma · 26/12/2025 22:50

Out of the illnesses my children had when they were very little, the times I remember most were the colds! Just how they couldn’t breathe properly because they are primarily nose breathers when very small. It’s just so very uncomfortable and distressing for them, I honestly wouldn’t knowingly put any little one through that. The key word is knowingly. Yes, babies will pick up these things, especially from siblings, but when it can be avoided, it should be! I hope your little one recovers quickly, OP xx

Laura95167 · 26/12/2025 22:51

Baby's fine, baby doesnt know its christmas.

This isnt a newborn. You cant even be sure thats when you caught the bug, loads of people are ill this time of year. Equally not everyone who's seen friends toddler will catch it. Its a shame but not the end of the world

Original poster
Biscuit94 · 26/12/2025 22:55

So I didn't put this in my OP, but I just don't understand why somebody would knowingly risk spreading it to a baby in their own home just before their first Christmas? I am a FTM so I get but people might think I'm being a bit precious.

I also have older grandparents I had planned to see on Christmas day plus my DH's dad who is immunocompromised.

Again, I get she can't avoid being sick forever but why would would you do this knowingly? To be it reeks of selfishness and it is very convenient for people to say "oh well, life goes on, they are going to catch colds anyway etc."

OP posts:
Hotchocolateandmarsh · 26/12/2025 22:55

Really annoys me in general, it’s polite to give people the heads up if you are sick before visiting regardless of age. I would be fuming if I met someone for lunch and they were full of cold. Just rearrange.

If you live in the same house it’s unavoidable and part of life. But spreading it to another house is just rude if you haven’t prewarned them

gamerchick · 26/12/2025 22:56

FurForksSake · 26/12/2025 22:42

Once you are beyond the baby years you do just crack on with illnesses. If baby was a newborn I’d say you weren’t being unreasonable, but a mild cold isn’t something you can or should 100% avoid.

My toddler gave my newborn rsv and he ended up in hospital on oxygen at Christmas 10 years ago. It was just one of those things, you can’t shelter them completely.

It's completely different to a sibling catching something in their own house and taking a sick kid to someone else's.

This place. So many selfish parents on here today.

Owly11 · 26/12/2025 22:58

You noticed the toddler was ill and the friend confirmed it so you should have said 'i am so sorry to be picky but i don't want any illness in the house just before xmas, let's try and meet another time when everyone is well'. Your house, your rules.

ShesTheAlbatross · 26/12/2025 22:59

She shouldn’t have done it.

But I think when you have a toddler who is in that constant cough and cold stage you do become a bit immune to it (metaphorically speaking), and maybe don’t really register it as much and so just don’t really think.

ETA - I also agree with the PP who said you could have said no to her coming in once you realised. Sometimes the onus will be on you to avoid the illness because not everyone will stay away even when they should.

GooseberryGreen · 26/12/2025 23:01

I had a friend who cheerfully informed me she had a cold and was coming to visit my newborn. I lost the friendship when I told her she certainly wasn't. Now your baby isn't a newborn but I wouldn't dream of dragging my sick child out visiting other children and, if I was prone to doing so, I certainly wouldn't be doing it just before Christmas. I would be giving your friend a fairly wide berth in future, literally and figuratively. In fact, in your circumstances I'd have asked her to leave.

SmileyMoonset · 26/12/2025 23:02

Oh dear, it’s horrible when wee ones are ill. I sympathise, I really do.

But coughs and colds come with children, with life. You or your DH could catch a cold at work, in the supermarket etc etc

We accidentally gave six other children chicken pox. These things come with parenting.

Your child will give other kids germs too. It’s inevitable and largely unavoidable I’m
afraid.

Original poster
Biscuit94 · 26/12/2025 23:05

Maybe I should...lesson learned. To be honest, I didn't want to be the overly anxious FTM, but I regret not just saying it in hindsight. I would just never think to bring an ill child out to visit a baby just before Christmas so I was in a state of shock. In my head it's just thoughtless and inconsiderate.

OP posts:
StressedoutTeddy845 · 26/12/2025 23:06

A bit rude and I wouldn't have done it but you do get a bit blase about these things when you have a toddler.

Hufflemuff · 26/12/2025 23:11

Biscuit94 · 26/12/2025 22:55

So I didn't put this in my OP, but I just don't understand why somebody would knowingly risk spreading it to a baby in their own home just before their first Christmas? I am a FTM so I get but people might think I'm being a bit precious.

I also have older grandparents I had planned to see on Christmas day plus my DH's dad who is immunocompromised.

Again, I get she can't avoid being sick forever but why would would you do this knowingly? To be it reeks of selfishness and it is very convenient for people to say "oh well, life goes on, they are going to catch colds anyway etc."

"it is very convenient for people to say "oh well, life goes on, they are going to catch colds anyway etc."

Because it does and they do.

Driftingawaynow · 26/12/2025 23:14

She’s a Twat

NuffSaidSam · 26/12/2025 23:17

Biscuit94 · 26/12/2025 23:05

Maybe I should...lesson learned. To be honest, I didn't want to be the overly anxious FTM, but I regret not just saying it in hindsight. I would just never think to bring an ill child out to visit a baby just before Christmas so I was in a state of shock. In my head it's just thoughtless and inconsiderate.

You wouldn't think if it now, but wait until your baby is a toddler and they're ill constantly between September and March, you do become a bit immune to it.

I'm not saying what she did was right, but it's an easy mistake to make when in the depths of a six month long cold.

flumpsfortea · 26/12/2025 23:17

I’d normally say it’s ok to expose them to stuff like this, it’s inevitable and builds immunity. However I do think it’s a bit shitty of her to do it right before Christmas without even a heads up. It’s effectively spoilt your baby’s first Christmas and while it could have come from somewhere else, it’s fairly likely that the coughing, sneezing toddler who was in your home just a few days before you came down with it was the culprit.
I get why you’re annoyed.

Original poster
Biscuit94 · 26/12/2025 23:20

Hufflemuff · 26/12/2025 23:11

"it is very convenient for people to say "oh well, life goes on, they are going to catch colds anyway etc."

Because it does and they do.

Show quote history

Well yes obviously...

I feel like this mindset is just a way of people excusing the inconvenience of not being able to do exactly what they please. Like I get it's just a cold and she'll be fine, but it's selfish not to think about the specific context. It's a week before Christmas, I have elderly family members, I'm exclusively breastfeeding and running on next to no sleep...

What I mean is, it's easy for parents or toddlers to "crack on" without thinking/caring what the reality of spreading germs around means. It really wasn't a necessary meet-up so why do it and risk somebody else and their baby being miserable? Selfish imo and not something I would do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Biscuit94 · 26/12/2025 23:27

gamerchick · 26/12/2025 22:56

It's completely different to a sibling catching something in their own house and taking a sick kid to someone else's.

This place. So many selfish parents on here today.

Show quote history

I'm actually a bit surprised by the amount of people who think IBU by wanting a heads up before a sick child turns up at my house when I have a baby? I did ask the question though and I guess people seem to think it is acceptable, so I know I'm going to have to have clear boundaries in future 🤷🏼‍♀️. For me it was an obvious no and not something I would ever do!

OP posts:
Cherable · 26/12/2025 23:30

Hankunamatata · 26/12/2025 22:45

Annoying but it's life. You or dh could have easily picked up a cold somewhere else and gave it to dd

Agree but there's a difference between unknowingly picking a bug up which we all have to accept as part of life and knowing full well your child has a cold and then visiting people a few days before Christmas.

All that friend needed to do was to give a heads up about the cold before coming round. Easy, free and just courteous.

YANBU OP.