Baby ill from friend's toddler

[Biscuit94]

Hi all,

I have a 5 month old baby. Just over a week before Christmas my friend said she was up for Christmas and asked if she could pop round. She showed up on my doorstep with her toddler coughing and spluttering everywhere. I was surprised and thought maybe it was just a lingering cough, but she cheerily announced that he was always ill from nursery these days and walked straight in.

I understand that my baby is going to get ill and be exposed to all kinds of stuff, but why the hell would you do it just before Christmas?

Anyway, I came down with the cold a couple of days later, followed by my DH and then my poor baby girl on Christmas Eve. I thought she had gotten away with it as I am breastfeeding and thought maybe she had antibodies from me, but the poor little thing has been coughing and sneezing, struggling to sleep from the congestion and having more watery poos than normal :(. Absolutely gutted for her and even worse that it is over Christmas. Making sure to feed often, use Calpol and saline spray/a baby vapour rub. She slept on my DH for 5 hours last night and then me for another 5 as she is so uncomfortable lying flat in her bassinet.

I am so angry upset at my friend for not bothering to give me a heads-up/postpone/leave her toddler with his grandparents who she is staying with.

AIBU?

I think she is probably so used to her nursery age child being ill, it's constant at that age, that she just thinks everyone knows it goes with the territory of having a toddler, they are constantly ill all winter.

But I still think she should have given you the heads up that the toddler was ill. You could have then planned to meet outside, or said not to meet. It's horrible when a young baby gets a cold, they can't properly cough or blow their nose and breathing becomes tricky, they can't indicate what's hurting/ if it's turned into something that they need any treatment for etc. And agree that while 'life goes on' and people need to crack on with things when they're ill, to me that applies to things like work, or food shopping, or other essential tasks. Not visiting very elderly or very young people who are more vulnerable.

And not sure why posters are veering off on tangents about who gets more sleep, a breastfeeding mother of a 5 month old or a mother of a 20 month old. Or making comments such as 'your husband could have picked up a cold anywhere'...yes he could, but it's a lot more likely he picked it up from being in an enclosed space with a toddler who can't cover their mouth when they cough or sneeze and constantly have their fingers in their mouth/ up their nose and then all over your house. And even if he did catch it from someone else, that doesn't make it ok to take your ill toddler to a house with a young baby without a heads up!

I know I said I wouldn't reply anymore, but didn't realise how much traction this post would get/how sensitive the topic is.

You're completely right about the random veering off. I can only assume people have decided to create a false narrative of me as some over-protective FTM who thinks the world should revolve around me and my baby vs. those who just "soldier on" regardless. They seem to want to counter something that doesn't exist so they can justify how selfish they can be. I have never once said their toddlers should stop going to nursery/remain in quarantine when ill etc.

It might sound ridiculous but it honestly makes you realise how general media narratives spiral so quickly 🥴.

I think coz little kids get sick a lot, parents become a bit blasé about it. My friends 2 kids are constantly ill and so my friend sees constant colds and viruses as totally normal. But if you are a child-free, immunocompromised household (like mine), we generally don’t get coughs and colds much because we take steps to avoid them as much as possible as it can make me very unwell for a long time afterwards.

The problem with little kids is they don’t have good (or any!) hygiene practices. So they sneeze and cough all over people and nobody stands a chance. Parents can be very selfish about things like this, in my opinion.

I wouldn’t visit anyone’s house while I had a cold or a virus, as I wouldn’t want to pass it on.

I’m sorry but you are being unreasonable! I’m assuming you only have one baby? Once you have a second, you can’t shelter it from your now toddler and all of their germs! Plus in winter you can pick up something from anyone! I think that a D&V bug or a known nasty like whooping cough etc then I would agree - but a cold? Most toddlers seem to have them quite a bit and permanently runny noses etc 🙈! It’s grim, but apparently good for their immune systems to catch some mild viruses when young (newborns aside). I would have needed to become a hermit to avoid winter viruses - and that is not good for mums nor babies!

OP you'll find some parents are just selfish. A mum friend of mine seems totally unbothered about informing anyone she or her child is ill because in her words 'I suffer badly with FOMO'. So for example she attended a play date with a chest infection whilst my Dad was very ill and she knew we were being cautious with who we saw. For context he went onto End of Life and died a couple of months later so he was an ill man. She recently hosted a party and invited a relative's child who had a temperature and was coughing everywhere and looked really ill despite them having been off nursery as too unwell the day before. My friends and I are very cautuous now, as soon as she mentions any illnesses we cancel or postpone. Tbh it's made me distance ourselves, time is precious woeking FT and I'll avoid unnecessary illnesses at all costs.

As a mother of a nearly 2 year old who has had a constant runny nose since September I can see why the mother might not have even given it a second thought because her toddler having a cold is just completely normal. She likely still sends her to nursery etc and shes likely completely fine in herself. She may have not thought through the implications for your baby. I'm not saying she was right to turn up at your door without prior warning that her child was sick but I can understand how it just may not have entered her mind at all to warn you.

If you keep only going to the "necessary" things when your toddler has a cold, you will literally never go anywhere. You don't seem to be understanding that toddlers are sick and snotty a lot of the time and when they're better, then you're the one sick. Rinse and repeat.

You will literally not see people for months and months if you take that attitude with a toddler.

You may not think it now but in a few years this will be you. You’ll just be carrying on as normal when you realise they are always getting coughs and colds and life just carries on.

Again, lack of context 🥴. I won't be visiting young babies/vulnerable people in close quarters just before Christmas for my own social fulfilment when this could lead to them being them being ill. Read the specifics of the post before making silly sweeping statements.

This doesn't mean never seeing anybody. I don't know how many times I can say this for people to understand.

Also fed up of being told how I'll act when my little one is a toddler. It's such misplaced superiority from people who don't even know me, so logically floored and tiring.

Completely missing the point. Reread the post.

It's one cold she'll never have again so that's a plus. Also she knows nothing about Christmas so that's another plus. You've got years of this ahead so you're getting used to it so that's yet another plus.

Honestly it's just the way it is. If you had two children your toddler would be passing this onto younger sibling anyway. Similarly if you or Dh worked with kids or the public it would be accepted that these germs enter your home. A first born with parents who dont work with the public is much more protected from the world so you are much more alerted to this stuff. When you saw the toddler coughing you could have sanitised their hands or removed baby so it's not fair to place all blame on your friend, who probably thought nothing of it all.

I hate the attitude towards kids getting germs and it's not normal for them to be sick all the time, they are in an unnatural circumstance being in childcare instead of at home, if I had another baby they would be at home till they were 7. Your friend is just selfish. Everyone that knows me knows not to come near me if they are sick

Ahhhh these comments do not understand risk reduction at all. The fact is I currently don't have another child and currently don't work with the public. Therefore no, luckily, she wasn't at risk otherwise just before Christmas.
I am not saying I can wrap her in cotton wool but why knowingly increase my risk leading to us all being miserable over Christmas? It's such flawed logic to be like well if the situation was different she would have been ill anyway - the fact is it isn't. Yes she will be fine. Yes she is miserable with it as me and DH were. Yes it made us have to cancel plans over Christmas with vulnerable family and a pregnant friend. Yes it was selfish in this situation.

Stop with the whole "people get colds thing". Water is wet. I am aware and it is tiring being told something completely irrelevant and obvious.

Get a grip they won't be at home and not leaving the house

Ahem-

Absolutely gutted for her and even worse that it is over Christmas.

That’s right, I couldn’t shield my second from all the germs my first brought home from nursery.

But we are still part of the same household and I’m not inflicting germs on other people. Completely different and just demonstrates how selfish and short sighted people can be about spreading germs.

Spreading germs in your own home - unavoidable.

Spreading germs to others in close quarters - completely avoidable and unnecessary.

Absolute nonsense, it’s the difference between being selfish and not being selfish not between having a toddler and not having a toddler.

I have 2 kids, the eldest is 4. I never would have done what this woman did because I’m not a shitty human being.

We don’t all use having a toddler as a excuse to go round infecting people.

Even if it wasn’t christmas and the OP wasn’t visiting vulnerable people. it’s still awful behaviour.

And that's not implying she'd care about Christmas? Or are you more bothered about how it affects your Christmas?

I can understand perfectly well, you just aren't making any sense.

She's got a cold. Get a grip.

Yes, I care that it affects my Christmas. Yes, I care that because she has been ill we've have to cancel plans and it's been miserable. Genuinely don't get what you can't understand about that? Nowhere did I say she knew it was Christmas?

Also honestly, you're just coming across as insensitive and like you don't quite understand the point of the post. I'm hardly crying that she has a cold. I'm annoyed that it could have been avoided because somebody was selfish. Leaving it at that because I genuinely don't think you understand what I'm saying.

You could have given your baby a cold. Unless you’re isolating, you’re always at risk of catching and spreading something. You’re being a bit precious. They’re going to get so many colds (yes, even breastfed babies/toddlers get ill) especially if you’re sending them to nursery. It’s annoying but just part of parenting.

@welcometothe10pigpigpen Gosh and you’re being rather condescending and missing the actual point of the thread.@Biscuit94 has explained and others in this thread, but it’s made no difference, sorry to have to say, you and others are being deliberately argumentative.Nobody’s saying for 1 minute that parents can’t get on with their every day life’s, just that, a 5 month old baby is not fully vaccinated and therefore is more vulnerable.
It’s really not unreasonable, for other parents to consider other people, particularly babies, that it is their responsibility to inform someone their child is unwell before visiting someone else’s home.
The point is, visiting someone’s home is very different to taking your unwell child out for a walk.I’m just baffled at yours, calling OP, precious and other posters comments on here.We know being a parent, isn’t easy, is it really too much to ask though, where possible (visiting someone’s home is possible) to consider young babies and their immediate family?
Visiting, someone’s home, when your child is unwell, is not essential, it’s so easy to phone/text the person, explain and say best to reschedule.It’s really not that difficult!

Meant to say as well, please consider elderly people, who are vulnerable.