Baby ill from friend's toddler

[Biscuit94]

Hi all,

I have a 5 month old baby. Just over a week before Christmas my friend said she was up for Christmas and asked if she could pop round. She showed up on my doorstep with her toddler coughing and spluttering everywhere. I was surprised and thought maybe it was just a lingering cough, but she cheerily announced that he was always ill from nursery these days and walked straight in.

I understand that my baby is going to get ill and be exposed to all kinds of stuff, but why the hell would you do it just before Christmas?

Anyway, I came down with the cold a couple of days later, followed by my DH and then my poor baby girl on Christmas Eve. I thought she had gotten away with it as I am breastfeeding and thought maybe she had antibodies from me, but the poor little thing has been coughing and sneezing, struggling to sleep from the congestion and having more watery poos than normal :(. Absolutely gutted for her and even worse that it is over Christmas. Making sure to feed often, use Calpol and saline spray/a baby vapour rub. She slept on my DH for 5 hours last night and then me for another 5 as she is so uncomfortable lying flat in her bassinet.

I am so angry upset at my friend for not bothering to give me a heads-up/postpone/leave her toddler with his grandparents who she is staying with.

AIBU?

Immunity debt is not a thing in reality. It’s not going to benefit a baby to get sick. No visit is worth illness, disrupted sleep, plans, and ruined time off from work. It’s sensible and good manners to stay away from a baby when unwell.

Patronising much! How dare you call me selfish and ignorant, who the gell do you think you are?!

Where did I mention that babies should be constantly ill?
Lack of exposure during Covid did have an impact. For example https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8450837/

So no, I don’t think that 5 month old babies need to be shielded from snotty toddlers. 2 day old babies are one thing but a normal 5 month old does not benefit from being wrapped in cotton wool.

But you do you love.

@FancyCatSlave Context is everything, this isn’t about you, what you believe.This about, going to someone’s home, with an unwell child, not having the courtesy to give a friend the heads-up, your child is unwell.Posters who are not agreeing with you, completely realise, of course we can’t live in a bubble, we have to live our lives, the best we can, that said, it’s common sense, courtesy, to let the person you’re visiting know, you will be bringing your child who is not well.And just maybe consider, the friend’s baby is not fully vaccinated, it’s not really fair to inflict an illness on a baby, for what purpose, just so you can visit.It’s not up to you to say, you can’t wrap a baby up in cotton wool because it’s not your baby🙄
It’s quite laughable, that you justify this by, thinking you’re helping, building up the baby’s immunity
And no l didn’t click on your link.

Pray tell me, what’s your issue with academic research then? Do you not like science?

@FancyCatSlave l just kinda understand, it’s somebody’s baby, it’s not my call, to think as you do that they shouldn’t wrap their baby up in cotton wool
Just to reiterate, it’s someone’s home, l respect that.

You said “There’s no benefit to avoiding the colds. It makes everything worse.” as if OP’s friend was doing her a favour to infect her baby.

Well thinking it’s ok to spread germs with gay abandon is massively selfish and not what all parents do.

I have a 2 and 4 year old, and I still avoid mixing with others when they’re unwell, including my own parents who help with childcare. Friends also tell me when their children are unwell if we have plans. Not all of us are so self centred and inconsiderate that we would happily make others ill so as not to miss out.

You've completely missed the whole point of the thread as has been pointed out to you several times. There is a huge difference between total lockdown and risk reduction in normal circumstances 🤦🏼‍♀️. What you're saying about lockdown isn't false, but it is also completely irrelevant. You're arguing against a narrative that doesn't exist on this thread and advocating for parents to knowingly spread illnesses selfishly to babies and vulnerable people due to a complete misunderstanding of the context 🥴.

Exactly...
Yes it's done me a massive favour to miss out on loads of stuff over Christmas, be up almost all night with my baby for the last few days and have to watch her be completely miserable over the festive period when my friends and family are off work and want to celebrate.
I should be thanking my friend for this.🤦🏼‍♀️

Yes the baby could have caught a bug from anywhere but you don’t court it by having ill people in your home.

Consideration still matters.

💯

I really don’t understand what people don’t get.

It's common courtesy to give you the heads up if someone you are visiting is poorly - either way.

If I’m having visitors, at any time, I expect them to let me know if they are poorly so I have the opportunity to reschedule. Exactly how I would advise visitors if I was ill.

This has nothing to do with the time of year or toddlers always being snotty. Just basic manners.

The point is a two hour catch up with a friend is not worth a week or more of illness and not doing the things you’ve planned to do especially at Christmas, where it sounds like you have had to change plans.

Your friend should have realised that and thought “which would they rather sacrifice, their Christmas plans or a catch up with me?”.

I totally agree with you! Not possible to avoid coughs and colds at all times but why knowingly introduce your snot infested child to another family ,when it could be so easily avoided! . .

I have a 3.5yo who has just been very poorly before Christmas, with the fever only breaking on Christmas eve. This is despite me pulling them out of nursery on 19 Dec so we could all try to be well for Christmas. Thankfully they recovered enough to enjoy Christmas but it's been a stressful week and I also got it (second illness in two weeks for me). There is no way I would ever have done what your 'friend' did and all these people saying you become blase about illness as they get older are just showing how bloody selfish they are. They're the same parents that mean I felt forced to forgo ~£200 of childcare and we still got ill anyway! If we'd been so unwell that our Christmas day plans couldn't go ahead, it would have ruined 3 other people's plans on top of our own (we were hosting).

So it’s ok to take your snotty child to visit a baby just before Christmas in its own home?My granddaughter was plagued with bugs every winter so definitely wasn’t traipsing through other peoples homes infecting other families. Shopping and a trip to park for fresh air obviously but no indoor contact with others…it’s just basic manners and common courtesy/ sense .

This. It was thoughtless.

When you saw the toddler coughing you could have sanitised their hands or removed baby

I think this comment from a PP sums up how skewered the logic of some people here is.
As if a bit of hand sanitiser on a toddler would have much effect. And where would you remove the 5 month old baby to?! The garden shed?!

Granted we might all have different attitudes about spreading illness/risk/friendship/whatever and it might not occur to us that some might be more risk averse than others. But that would be surprising to me after the recent covid years, and I don't think some basic communication is much to ask for so people can have a choice.

Haha I didn't even bother replying to that bit of the post because it was so ridiculous 😂😭

Like yes the hand sanitiser will stop him from coughing everywhere.🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️whilst I'm at it I'll enforce a 2 meter radius around him and stick the baby in the garden - ridiculous.

As PP said, these are the posters who don’t really care about getting others sick because of their own FOMO, so they come up with any ridiculous argument they can to justify their behaviour rather than accept that they’re selfish and their own wants trump the health of others.

Well it’s not actually. It IS the point. Give it a few years and new mums will be posting on here about you visiting them with a germ infested toddler and giving them all colds. But of course you’ll all be in self isolation every single time there’s a sniffle in the family until none of you have any symptoms and won’t be sat in Drs waiting rooms or out in public spreading it to anyone else. 🙄

I won't be visiting a baby in their own home just before Christmas. It that is something you would do it tells me all I need to know about you. Don't tell me about why the point of the post is. I never said we wouldn't leave the house or go to he doctor's. Again, reading comprehension is key.

I think there is a difference between sitting in a doctors waiting room/doing necessary errands and going out to people’s houses or other places where there are other babies/toddlers. I’m a SAHM and given up on most playgroups etc in winter with my kids as there are always several selfish mothers there with their toddlers (and/or themselves) coughing and splattering everywhere. These sort of parents ruin it for everyone else.

Wow, so far, almost half of people think I'm being unreasonable for asking that my friend give me a heads-up about an illness before visiting me and my baby over Christmas. Presumably, all these people would just show up and not even bother to text ahead. Wow.