Baby ill from friend's toddler

[Biscuit94]

Hi all,

I have a 5 month old baby. Just over a week before Christmas my friend said she was up for Christmas and asked if she could pop round. She showed up on my doorstep with her toddler coughing and spluttering everywhere. I was surprised and thought maybe it was just a lingering cough, but she cheerily announced that he was always ill from nursery these days and walked straight in.

I understand that my baby is going to get ill and be exposed to all kinds of stuff, but why the hell would you do it just before Christmas?

Anyway, I came down with the cold a couple of days later, followed by my DH and then my poor baby girl on Christmas Eve. I thought she had gotten away with it as I am breastfeeding and thought maybe she had antibodies from me, but the poor little thing has been coughing and sneezing, struggling to sleep from the congestion and having more watery poos than normal :(. Absolutely gutted for her and even worse that it is over Christmas. Making sure to feed often, use Calpol and saline spray/a baby vapour rub. She slept on my DH for 5 hours last night and then me for another 5 as she is so uncomfortable lying flat in her bassinet.

I am so angry upset at my friend for not bothering to give me a heads-up/postpone/leave her toddler with his grandparents who she is staying with.

AIBU?

I have a toddler and a newborn... I do take the toddler places with a mild cold and obviously if she infected my newborn at home, what can you do, but I would never take her to someone else's house, especially if they have a baby, without first messaging to check. Fellow toddler parents do often say crack on because it's par for the course but I would expect anyone with a new baby to decline and I would willingly rearrange! Although I'm less precious with my second baby, that scenario would have annoyed me too OP.

I’m in this camp too. I have a kids with a 4 year age gap and when DC2 was a baby there was no shielding him. Surprisingly he didn’t get ill from his sibling, he would catch things himself when out and about. I get you’re annoyed in the Christmas period, but it genuinely may not have been from your friends kid - it’s just one of those things.

It’s incredibly selfish. I have 3 x DC and yes they were always sick when little as they went to nursery, but I always gave people the heads up if visiting. I mean right before Christmas, even more so. It is selfish, and a lot of people do it, hence the mixed responses on here. Yes your baby could have caught it anywhere, but likelihood is they wouldn’t if your friend didn’t show up with a sick toddler right before Christmas. Selfish.

Unless you’ve been isolating you could have caught a cold anywhere.

most of the country has a cold.

it’s a virus. Totally pointless trying to blame people for it.

im sorry your PFb is poorly but you need to find your perspective again.

YABu

Hilarious as I never said this. Reading comprehension is key x

All the people saying it’s ok to do this are probably the type of selfish arsehole that take their ill kids round to infect other people.

Hope your little one is OK, OP.

Yes, the common cold is everywhere doing the rounds this year. Just one of those things unfortunately. I don't think much would get done at all if people had to stop working and school etc every time they got a cold. Obviously if it is something more serious like flu then it's sensible not to be around others.

Thanks everybody for the responses.
I'm going to stop replying now as I've gotten the measure of the two opposing viewpoints.

I still think some people are wilfully misunderstanding that calling ahead and warning would have been no effort, the visit wasn't necessary and that, although I understand she'll pick up colds why expose her to it in her own home?

Some people clearly also haven't read the post and are banging on about how she doesn't know it's Christmas, how toddler mums are more tired/less precious and how I can't always prevent her from getting colds, none of which were the point of the post. I don't know if this is a wilful lack of misunderstanding as some people want to get on their soapbox, or genuine poor reading comprehension, but, either way, these comments are just irrelevant to the discussion.

It's clearly a sensitive subject and it's interesting how some people have felt the need to come out and defend infecting a baby with a cold just before Christmas in the name of getting on with life, as though an hour's social visit is some kind of task that absolutely must have taken place and that the cold needed to be "juggled" around. You aren't getting any gold stars for this and it doesn't make you the great multitasking mum you think you are imo.

I would encourage people who have this perspective to try and have a bit more empathy for others, actually think about the potential consequences of what they're doing and consider if the benefits outweigh the risks. Like, obviously take your sniffly toddler to the shops/nursery/doctors etc as most would deem this NECESSARY, however, I think twice before "carting them round with gay abandon" to social visits were they could be putting more vulnerable people at risk purely for the sake of your own entertainment. That, to me, is pure selfishness and lack of thought.

As for those saying I should have denied her entry, maybe I should. To be honest he was in the hallway and spluttering by the time I had a chance to register what was going on. I only see this friend about twice a year as she lives far away so I found it a bit difficult in the moment to ask her to leave but perhaps I need to work on being assertive.

Thanks for the contributions, it's been pretty eye-opening and will definitely help me going forward in terms of assertiveness and setting boundaries.

You've got a hard time from some here OP.

Christmas is a time for some well earned rest from work, a time to meet with your extended family, a lot who may be like your GPs - elderly and immunocompromised. To knowingly expose people to a cold bug just before a holiday is selfish. Of course you could catch a bug anywhere at anytime, but to deliberately expose people to it is not on. Fortunately your baby has coped, but I bet you and your DH could have done without feeling poorly in the run up to Christmas too.

Learn from this experience, and if something similar happens again, don't feel embarrassed to say "Ah, looks like little Lydia is full of cold. Let's rearrange for another time when they're feeling better". Even if they're standing on your doorstep. You don't have to accept their excuse that little Lydia is ill all the time nowadays from nursery. You'll get your turn at that later.

I agree with you op. Absolutely you know that baby will inadvertently pick up illnesses but to knowingly come over with an ill child isn’t fair at all. Hope you are all better soon x

It’s one thing to cart around a toddler with a virus to the supermarket or wherever when it’s unavoidable and you need to get shit done.

It’s another entirely visiting the home of a young baby. You’re not being unreasonable OP. Some things are unavoidable and you do become complacent when toddlers are ill so freaking often but I also wouldn’t have taken my DS somewhere with a virus and a young baby, Christmas or otherwise. At the very least I would have asked you in advance if you minded, not turned up on your door putting you on the spot.

My sister did exactly the same as your friend and my first born was ill on her first Christmas at 3 months old, she was sick as a dog with every feed as she was so congested, and no one slept for days. 18 years later it still annoys me when I’m reminded because of the complete lack of thought for anyone else.

Hope your baby feels better soon.

I think a heads up is normal good manners, but not everyone does it. You can't expect it, and this friend has form, so you'll have to think how to manage her going forwards.

Anyway, I came down with the cold a couple of days later, followed by my DH and then my poor baby girl on Christmas Eve
But how do you know you got it from her?

I was shielding during covid so very conscious of doing everything possible to avoid catching. The e tire family got it at one time or another over the first year. All close family members who I was exposed to, who didn't take me as seriously when it came to taking precautions, and I couldn't lock myself in one single room.

When I finally caught it after 2 years and vaccinated, not one person around me had or had had it, so eho knows where I got it from.

I don't get this new obsession of getting so cross with people who they decide are the culprit who passed on a very common illness that is currently doing the rounds. Not only it is called life - ultimately, all these people caught it from someone else who weren't locked in a room for a week- but they cannot, scientifically, know gor sure who they got it from.

Someone around you probably had it with no symptoms.

Unless everyone was testing every day, you can't know that no one had it.

It’s bloody selfish especially with such a young baby who won’t have had any jabs yet

Someone around you probably had it with no symptoms
Yes, indeed, very possible but that supports my point. Maybe OP got the cold from someone close to her who had no symptoms at the time.

My point is that we rarely know for sure how we caught a virus, so getting angry at someone specific is pointless. I never catch my husband's virus nor my son, ever had. I don't know why as I don't bother to go into avoidance or hygiene mad.

Yes, very true.

But when someone is obviously ill, with a runny nose and coughing, then they are more likely to be spreading than someone who is asymptomatic and simply breathing. So yes you can’t avoid germs, but you don’t spread them so willingly either.

But your toddler lives with your baby. Ops friend need not have visited her house. Completely different situation.

A sniffle and a cough is one thing but going to someone’s home when properly ill is just wrong. Especially before Christmas. Your friend will have lost sight of that as in toddler mum life it is quite normal to just mix them anyway as they likely have the same germs. She’s not being malicious, she’s just not thinking.

I’m sorry, OP. Have been in that boat and it’s hard especially if you and DH are also riding the illness and you have no-one to help (a familiar tune for me).

You will likely get struck down with illness including more colds and gastro and it’s interesting sometimes it seems the kid gets over it fast and parents are sick for ages.

Lately I’ve been on a permanent cold I think for at least 6 months just get better after a few weeks and here’s the next one. My toddler has a runny nose for five minutes and I’m struck down for weeks.

I think though your friend should have been a little more considerate and cancelled the visit for two weeks though.

I hope you all feel better soon.

This so reminds me of the covid days. Somebody says that they shared an office with another person who tested positive and now they have it. Cue the responses from people bleating that you could have got it from anywhere and you can't possibly know you got it from the person you spent hours in close proximity to.

It's really entirely likely that spending time with somebody visibly ill and then getting sick yourself is the most likely culprit. Some people just want to have their own way and carry on socialising because they don't care whether they spread it around or not. They should just own it.

If you're visibly ill, it is good manners to give others the chance to avoid. It is bad manners to just turn up to someone's house unwell.

A person who is ill should try to be considerate. And if you spend hours with someone visibly ill you can make an educated guess about transmission route.

I hate how relaxed some people are about illness in kids. A simple cold for a toddler can be serious for a baby

Honestly, some of these posts are ridiculous.

'Well illnesses happen, you could have caught it anywhere'.

Yeah, sure. Nothing to do with someone bringing their clearly ill toddler into the house just before Christmas and spreading germs everywhere.

YANBU at all, OP. There are some very selfish people posting on here defending your friend's selfish actions. I'm in my third toddler phase right now - no way would I take her to someone's house when clearly unwell, and especially if they had a baby, or someone elderly, etc. I would always give them a heads up, or postpone entirely if she had a temperature etc.

Yes, toddlers get a lot of colds. There's an obvious difference between taking a child round who is on the tail end of a bug, still has a few mild symptoms but is otherwise well... and one who is in the thick of it and highly contagious.