Baby ill from friend's toddler

[Biscuit94]

Hi all,

I have a 5 month old baby. Just over a week before Christmas my friend said she was up for Christmas and asked if she could pop round. She showed up on my doorstep with her toddler coughing and spluttering everywhere. I was surprised and thought maybe it was just a lingering cough, but she cheerily announced that he was always ill from nursery these days and walked straight in.

I understand that my baby is going to get ill and be exposed to all kinds of stuff, but why the hell would you do it just before Christmas?

Anyway, I came down with the cold a couple of days later, followed by my DH and then my poor baby girl on Christmas Eve. I thought she had gotten away with it as I am breastfeeding and thought maybe she had antibodies from me, but the poor little thing has been coughing and sneezing, struggling to sleep from the congestion and having more watery poos than normal :(. Absolutely gutted for her and even worse that it is over Christmas. Making sure to feed often, use Calpol and saline spray/a baby vapour rub. She slept on my DH for 5 hours last night and then me for another 5 as she is so uncomfortable lying flat in her bassinet.

I am so angry upset at my friend for not bothering to give me a heads-up/postpone/leave her toddler with his grandparents who she is staying with.

AIBU?

I would be really annoyed OP. I don’t want to catch the cold myself, especially just before Christmas. I hate it when I’m stuck around people full of cold because I struggle to fight it and it seems to set off my asthma, I have a baby too and I do anything to avoid them getting poorly because as much as I know it is inevitable they will catch things that doesn’t mean I want them catching every virus going. I always message first if I or my baby have something because I don’t want to thing someone’s bigger plans. I am more relaxed about spending time in public with someone ill than I am in my own house because it isn’t as confined and they aren’t coughing and sneezing on belongings that we touch repeatedly.

Oh no, I hope things are better this morning?

Oh no! So sorry to hear that OP. How is she doing this morning?

I do understand the point about once you’re past the baby stage you often just crack on with illness.

That said, I do think it’s always polite to give people a heads-up, baby or not.

A simple “We’re really looking forward to seeing you, but my child has a cold... would you rather reschedule?” is something we’ve both received and sent.

For me, it’s just good manners.

Sorry your friend was inconsiderate and you got poorly :(

This is sort of what I meant about the mother of a 20 month old being just the same as the mother of a younger baby - that the toddler mum might just see the whole illness thing as something inevitable that we all go through and there's no point changing plans as a result. I wasn't trying to do competitive one upmanship or a tangent of who is most tired, and I am sorry, I said it now, as I think it did needle OP who doesn't need extra crap when dealing with a sick baby.

However there were lines in OPs original post giving a sense that others should think of her because it is a specific time in your life when you have a young baby and others should know and be particularly careful. I was trying to say, rather clumsily, that many people are in similar positions with children and don't see this as a special season. So expecting them to take the extra care might not be as reasonable as it at first appears.

It is very bad luck and horrible that OP's baby has to go to hospital, again this is something that happens a lot with little ones and respiratory illness, and is always very scary and upsetting, mostly fine but of course sometimes not fine at all. I'm so sorry your baby is so unwell OP, and that she got the cold from the toddler which escalated so badly. I can see why it seems so frustratingly unnecessary for it to have happened. Hope there are no lasting ill effects x

Not surprised that it’s an equal spilt on the vote…when my baby was five months old, I was furious about this sort of thing and I gave one of my friends a telling off. Now that I have a toddler I understand that you just can’t keep them locked away whenever they have a cold. Mine has one since early September and as soon as it gets better, he picks up the next thing. It will probably be like this until Spring. I keep him at home if he has a temperature or D&V, but otherwise we crack on with life (although I’m careful around babies and would give a friend a heads up because I remember how stressed I was about such things).

I put YABU because you let them in and around your baby. Next time, you turn people away.

Sorry to hear that your baby is no better.

I would always give people I was visiting a heads up if my kids were ill, yes.

That said you can’t be sure that your DD got it from the revolting toddler rather than someone in boots or the postman! For your own mental health I’d be focusing on getting her better. I had similar with my DS3, when he was in hospital for breathing issues at 2 months (winter 2019) the ward was full of babies who’d caught bronchitis from their siblings. They were all fine after treatment.

Next time you’ll also have a rock solid script too (because this will happen again)- “sorry Jen I can see you and Harry look like you have a bug, this time last year Iris was hospitalised with RSV- I think we need to give it a miss today, or let’s just go for a walk in the park…”

Thanks for the well wishes.

Although her respiratory rate and heart rate were elevated, her oxygen levels were okay thank God and although she is not feeding like she usually does she is taking in some milk so doctor just said to monitor closely, particularly for dehydration. It was awful this morning as she woke up and coughed almost non-stop for 40 minutes 😞. I managed to get her to feed a bit and settled her to sleep, but she is still coughing intermittently. She was coughing her head off in the hospital but the doctor said her chest sounded okay, she is just full of mucus in her throat. She is on day 5 now and they did say it should get better from here. On another note given I'm exclusively breastfeeding I'm now painfully engorged given she is not feeding as much 🤦🏼‍♀️

I've got to focus on her getting better now, providing TLC and being vigilant. I have anger towards my friend but I know it is pointless. Maybe she made a mistake, maybe she was selfish. I won't talk to her about it now as I'm far too emotional about the whole thing.

I've found this post so disheartening to be honest. Maybe my friend just didn't think, but those on this post who have said they'd just show up anyway with all the facts in hand are seriously selfish imo. Ultimately, they can try to justify their actions with incorrect science and their toddler always being ill or they'd never go out ect, but with all the facts in hand they're saying a one hour social visit was worth me, my DH and my baby being sick and stressed over Christmas. Quite genuinely it makes me realise how selfish some people are. The fact they would take the decision to reduce my risk away from me and show up for their own benefit is downright mean. Saying that their toddler is always ill so they don't see an issue anymore is the definition of selfish and thinking about their own circumstances whilst not caring for others. 😞

It has taught me I'll have to put boundaries in place in the future so there is that.

Bowing out for good now as I think dealing with an ill baby has made me vent some frustrations on this thread that have ultimately been pointless and I can see many won't change their opinion.

Thanks again all.

Look after yourself as well as the wee one, hope she's back to her normal self soon.

Despite being born in the middle of winter, my DC didn’t catch anything until they were well over 6 months, partly because I didn’t have any selfish visitors like yours. Colds might be a fact of life, but decent people avoid passing them on to anyone, never mind little babies or new mums, especially at Christmas. I would say something to her - it might stop her from doing it again.

Our Christmas has also been a bit spoiled by illness, but older kids and adults have much stronger meds/booze at their disposal, and a poorly baby is so hard. God bless you and your baby, OP 💓

YANBU.

My sons 3 and I tell friends with kids if he’s unwell before we meet up even if their child is 2,3,4,5… always good to have a heads up.

It takes 30 seconds to text before hand and say DS has a bad cold is that ok