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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Talk me down, please. I'm mighty p'd off.

225 replies

DoneWithThisShizzle · 26/12/2025 14:04

It was agreed with DH that we would only stay at his parents for one night, Christmas day. His parents are frail, FIL has diverticulitis so needs regular access to the bathroom, particularly in the morning. I love them, but they also drive me insane as they chat about all their symptoms while doing nothing to help themselves.

MIL has just offered us to stay another night and DH turned to me to ask me what I thought! He knows what I think but, holding in my fury, I passed it back to him. Mistake! We are now staying another night.

For context, we live 30 mins away and see them regularly.

To top it off, I don't have a change of underwear.

My AIBU is, whether I have a right to feel so annoyed?

OP posts:
CautiousLurker2 · 26/12/2025 15:04

Voted YABU because you hadn’t the opportunity to decline and say you hadn’t packed etc. you can’t blame DH for being as unable to decline as your were, esp as they are his parents.

Daffidale · 26/12/2025 15:07

Sorry but this is on you.

he wants to stay, you want to go.
he’s quite reasonable to want you to be the one who says “no we won’t stay” when it’s your choice to do that

why the heck didn’t you say you wanted to go home when he passed the decision over to him! You set him a trap to turn it down on your behalf and now you’re grumpy with him FFS

Anywherebuthere · 26/12/2025 15:09

DoneWithThisShizzle · 26/12/2025 14:10

Yes, I think you're right, that's where some of the anger is.

Show quote history

That's where all your anger should be. He did ask you! You chose not to say what you really wanted.

You could still speak up now.

Anywherebuthere · 26/12/2025 15:10

DoneWithThisShizzle · 26/12/2025 14:10

Yes, I think you're right, that's where some of the anger is.

Show quote history

That's where all your anger should be. He did ask you! You chose not to say what you really wanted.

You could still speak up now.

LBFseBrom · 26/12/2025 15:10

I can understand how you feel but you can probably manage one more night.
Wash out some underwear and it will be dry by tomorrow morning.

bleakmidwintering · 26/12/2025 15:12

If my DH asked me I would have the balls to say ‘no we better be heading back, stuff to do’. Don’t put the blame on anyone else op!

Boomer55 · 26/12/2025 15:12

DoneWithThisShizzle · 26/12/2025 14:10

Yes, I think you're right, that's where some of the anger is.

Show quote history

You passed it to him. You’ve got his decision. 🤷‍♀️

Thehandinthecookiejar · 26/12/2025 15:13

It funny how many people don’t realise that in certain contexts “I don’t mind” actually means “HELL NO (but I’m to much of a wuss to say it”) I’ve been caught out by that myself 😂

But instead of holding in your fury you could have just said you need to go back because you’ve run out of underwear clean clothes etc (and there’s no point in them putting a wash on for one more night is there?).
As others have said DH could have stayed if he wanted.

sesquipedalian · 26/12/2025 15:16

“To top it off, I don't have a change of underwear.”

Thus does not compute - I always take a spare pair in case of, well, anything, really! I would be cross with your DH because you’d agreed in advance that you’d only stay one night, but perhaps because his parents are frail, he’s worried about how many more Christmasses you might have with them. Go home, get some clean drawers, regroup and come back!

Iloveyoubut · 26/12/2025 15:16

Yes. He knows you don’t want to and he pushed for you to do it anyway and hoped you’d just go along even though he knows I didn’t want to. That’s shit of him! You’ve every right to be pissed off. Can you say no? Yes of course and you can go home etc… but he still knew you really didn’t want to do something and tried to make you so it anyway. That’s ick and horrible. That’s who he is and that’s why it upsets you.

OfficerChurlish · 26/12/2025 15:19

I'm glad it worked out. I can see why he felt put on the spot (and why you froze), but while you "should" have said no, he also should have said no without passing it to you since he didn't want to stay and had no reason to think that you would! I'd be a little nervous that he might be making you the "bad guy" with his parents, although not necessarily intentionally. Anyway, not sure how often you visit them together, but maybe discuss a plan for next time - there are all kinds of inoffensive excuses to turn down an unexpected invitation to extend.

allthingsinmoderation · 26/12/2025 15:22

I can understand you being annoyed with your DH for agreeing to stay another night when he knows you have had enough.
I can understand you being annoyed with yourself for not saying when asked ,that you need/want to get home (any polite reason would have saved all sensibilities here )
I think the reason you both couldn't say " Its been a lovely visit but ive really got to get home for xyz needs some thought here.
Id say,ive got to get home for xyz and go with or without your DH (its up to him wether he wants to saty another night )
Whats stopping you from going home ?

ILoveLaLaLand · 26/12/2025 15:31

DoneWithThisShizzle · 26/12/2025 14:37

Thank you. I'm going home. I just had a quick chat with DH and he's fine with going home. He even said he'd felt put on the spot and was relying on me to say no. Conversation in the car home still to be had, but at least I'm going home to my own bed and clean undies! Thank you everyone. And Happy Holidays! 😁

How old are your MIL and FIL?

Original poster
DoneWithThisShizzle · 26/12/2025 15:31

amicisimma · 26/12/2025 14:41

So you are lucky enough to have a DH who checks with you rather than making a unilateral decision (as we see so often on MN). You make a decision that you're not happy with and he's the bad guy?

We both checked and made the decision days ago that we wouldn't stay. Him passing the decline for me to make is a bit shit tbh. They're his parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoneWithThisShizzle · 26/12/2025 15:34

Purplecatshopaholic · 26/12/2025 14:51

This. You’d agreed you’d go home, so ‘change your mind’, as you need more clothes/need to feed the goldfish/have a migraine, etc and go home! And next time don’t agree to something you’ve already said you won’t be doing.
Why on earth are you staying over even one night, never mind two, when you live half an hour away? Genuine question.

Edited
Show quote history

Mostly so we can have a drink. I'd be happy to stay sober, and have offered, so we can go home, but DH wanted to stay. I even offered to drive us back to see them on Boxing Day!

OP posts:
Original poster
DoneWithThisShizzle · 26/12/2025 15:36

ChekhovsMum · 26/12/2025 14:53

I don’t think you should be cross with yourself OP. You explained clearly to your OH that you didn’t want to stay longer than one night, then he didn’t fancy being assertive to his parents when it came to the crunch, so he pinged the question back to you as if you hadn’t already answered it, making you look like the bad guy if you said no, and in a way gaslighting you that your previous conversation hadn’t taken place/he didn’t remember it.
Posters suggesting different reasons why you should suck it up/methods for doing so are missing the point completely.
What your OH needs is a firm talking to along the lines of ‘if I say in advance that I don’t want to stay more than one night, then I expect you to listen to me the first time, not bat the ball into my court in front of your parents, just because you find it difficult to disappoint them and would rather watch me do it. If you want to stay with your parents for multiple nights yourself, then that’s fine - just make the arrangement in advance and get yourself home. I will be staying for a maximum of one, and that applies for ever more.’

Thank you. I'm going to pretty much have this conversation verbatim on our journey home.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoneWithThisShizzle · 26/12/2025 15:39

Daffidale · 26/12/2025 15:07

Sorry but this is on you.

he wants to stay, you want to go.
he’s quite reasonable to want you to be the one who says “no we won’t stay” when it’s your choice to do that

why the heck didn’t you say you wanted to go home when he passed the decision over to him! You set him a trap to turn it down on your behalf and now you’re grumpy with him FFS

Yep, but nope. It was entirely his doing. He didn't want to stay two days ago when we last discussed it.

OP posts:
Jamesblonde2 · 26/12/2025 15:39

Only unreasonable as you had the perfect reason to say why you had to go home. No undies. But yes I’d be annoyed with DH who was being a wholesale coward.

brunettemic · 26/12/2025 15:40

SparklingCrow · 26/12/2025 14:22

But she doesn’t want to.

Show quote history

She can go home then, problem solved.

AzMomma · 26/12/2025 15:41

He could of stayed while you went home. Its obviously just down the street.

Original poster
DoneWithThisShizzle · 26/12/2025 15:41

minipie · 26/12/2025 15:02

DH does this kind of thing too, he is a people pleaser.

I go with “Oh that sounds lovely but DH and I just need to chat through the practicalities, give us a few min”.

Then go off for a separate chat with DH where I point out we already discussed this and remind him not to be such a weasel.

then DH comes back and says many thanks but no as we have stuff we need to do at home (or other excuse).

I probably still look like the bad guy but at least he hasn’t entirely passed the buck

It's so frustrating isn't it! Having to be the grown up/bad guy. Even more so when it's already been decided!

OP posts:
TheHillIsMine · 26/12/2025 15:46

You don't have the right to feel annoyed as you should have said no, you need to go home. Shame your husband is a wet wipe but you're a daft people pleaser and chicken yourself.

JHound · 26/12/2025 15:47

You should have spoken up when asked.

Maddy70 · 26/12/2025 15:48

You're an adult. You could have said no

Original poster
DoneWithThisShizzle · 26/12/2025 15:49

Thank you for all of your suggestions. I would understand if DH wanted to stay a bit longer, his parents are both over 70 and not doing well, health wise. However, he had told me he didn't want to, we live 30 mins away, we see them regularly, he put me on the spot to decline the invite. I had offered to stay sober and drive us back and forth over the festive period, he had no trouble declining that suggestion. However, all is now well after a gentle reminder of our conversation and his agreement to go home. Thanks again for all the understanding and helpful suggestions.

OP posts:
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