Talk me down, please. I'm mighty p'd off.

[DoneWithThisShizzle]

It was agreed with DH that we would only stay at his parents for one night, Christmas day. His parents are frail, FIL has diverticulitis so needs regular access to the bathroom, particularly in the morning. I love them, but they also drive me insane as they chat about all their symptoms while doing nothing to help themselves.

MIL has just offered us to stay another night and DH turned to me to ask me what I thought! He knows what I think but, holding in my fury, I passed it back to him. Mistake! We are now staying another night.

For context, we live 30 mins away and see them regularly.

To top it off, I don't have a change of underwear.

My AIBU is, whether I have a right to feel so annoyed?

I know. I'm mad at myself for not knowing exactly what to say in the moment. I also know that he really wants to stay, but most likely won't if I decide to go home. Therefore, I'm kind of in a no-win situation. I stay and be p'd off or we go and he's p'd off.

I would be cross with DH for putting you in the position of being the bad guy.

But presumably he expected you to say “no” and you didn’t.

So you are both idiots. (Sorry, I’d be cross too)

Of you don’t have enough clothes why on Earth did you not just say “that’s so kind of you but I only packed enough for overnight so we’ll stick to the original plan”

Use the 30 drive to explain to your DH why making you the bag guy who always says no is baaaad. (And cowardly frankly)

This is either very silly or deliberately manipulative.

Why won't he stay without you?

If he's going to do this, even more reason to go home as it is infuriating to be manipulated. No wonder you're annoyed with him.

It was naughty of him to put you on the spot but it is only one extra day. However, rather than stew, I’d say “Actually, I’ve realised I need to be home today so I’ll head off this afternoon, it’s been lovely, see you all tomorrow!” Don’t be pressed on details, leave DH to carry that can since he got you into it.

I'm calming myself down to go and say something, declining the invite. I'll definitely be having a private chat with him about it.

So may as well leave and you be the happy one then 🤷‍♀️

YABU as DH gave you the chance to opt out immediately. It didn’t need to cause offence or be rude in any way, a simple ‘I’ve not got any more spare underwear so will have to head home but thanks for the offer’ would have been fine.

As it is I’d let them know the above and offer to take DH home with you, or pick him up in the morning.

Just go home and he can stay another night?

Just go in all smiley and say you’ve checked and just realised you don’t have sufficient clothes - you’ll leave this evening and pop back for him
tomorrow. <Big smile>

Thank you. I'm going home. I just had a quick chat with DH and he's fine with going home. He even said he'd felt put on the spot and was relying on me to say no. Conversation in the car home still to be had, but at least I'm going home to my own bed and clean undies! Thank you everyone. And Happy Holidays! 😁

“Oops, PIL, I’ve just remembered I have no clean knickers / medication I need to take. I’m going to head home this evening, sorry but I’m sure you will have a lovely time catching up with DH. I’ll pick him up tomorrow morning. See you later!”

Great update!

Families are tricky! When my DC were little my lovely PILs would always press us to stay longer, for dinner etc etc. my DH and I had a deal that if they asked he should always be the one to decline and stick to what was previously agreed.

I would be heading home and enjoying an evening to myself. Double bonus

So you are lucky enough to have a DH who checks with you rather than making a unilateral decision (as we see so often on MN). You make a decision that you're not happy with and he's the bad guy?

I can't understand staying over with someone who live 30 mins away unless it's so you can have a drink and not drive home. Otherwise what's the point? You can leave late on and come back the next day if you want to.

Also don't understand why dh won't stay there without you. They're his parents!
In this position I'd be very comfortable telling dh I'd rather go home and I'd pop back for him tomorrow. And if he wanted to stay, he would and neither of us would find issue with this.

Meh, I'd suck it up for my OH. Or if I really didn't want to say Oh that is lovely but I really need to go home to rest, it's been a stressful few weeks, but OH would love to stay and you can have some one on one with your son.

No biggie 🤷‍♀️

The “talk me down” posts are almost always disappointingly trivial.

Trivial to you, not to them.

He even said he'd felt put on the spot and was relying on me to say no.

That's awful.

If they are only half an hour away staying over at all seems unnecessary unless you both really want to.

Say you've started your period and need to go home and wont be comfortable staying. That way MIL feelings dont get hurt, your husband can stay with his parents and you get a night to yourself.

Why would you stay anywhere only 30 mins from home?

This. You’d agreed you’d go home, so ‘change your mind’, as you need more clothes/need to feed the goldfish/have a migraine, etc and go home! And next time don’t agree to something you’ve already said you won’t be doing.
Why on earth are you staying over even one night, never mind two, when you live half an hour away? Genuine question.

I don’t think you should be cross with yourself OP. You explained clearly to your OH that you didn’t want to stay longer than one night, then he didn’t fancy being assertive to his parents when it came to the crunch, so he pinged the question back to you as if you hadn’t already answered it, making you look like the bad guy if you said no, and in a way gaslighting you that your previous conversation hadn’t taken place/he didn’t remember it.
Posters suggesting different reasons why you should suck it up/methods for doing so are missing the point completely.
What your OH needs is a firm talking to along the lines of ‘if I say in advance that I don’t want to stay more than one night, then I expect you to listen to me the first time, not bat the ball into my court in front of your parents, just because you find it difficult to disappoint them and would rather watch me do it. If you want to stay with your parents for multiple nights yourself, then that’s fine - just make the arrangement in advance and get yourself home. I will be staying for a maximum of one, and that applies for ever more.’

I wouldn't stay anywhere when I was just 30 mins from home.

DH does this kind of thing too, he is a people pleaser.

I go with “Oh that sounds lovely but DH and I just need to chat through the practicalities, give us a few min”.

Then go off for a separate chat with DH where I point out we already discussed this and remind him not to be such a weasel.

then DH comes back and says many thanks but no as we have stuff we need to do at home (or other excuse).

I probably still look like the bad guy but at least he hasn’t entirely passed the buck