Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

Probably just wanted a special day with you and your children, rather than watching you with your friends.

With the friends I can see what it was too much but your house I suppose

I agree with the first post. Ask her what she wants, don't second guess it. Go at it with what would you like next year? Would she also maybe want a break in her bedroom or a little nap at some point? Being around other people can be exhausting for some, me included. I do it but it tires me out and I am nowhere near my 70s.

Is your mum generally ok, OP? And how locally does she live to you? Your christmas sounded lovely and I think she's being ungenerous. If she really doesn't like big occasions she could come to you over New Year next time and make other plans for Christmas.

As long as she had plenty of opportunity to slope off for peace of she wanted, then it is up to her whether she comes next year or not.

TBH it does sound rather full on to me. I am younger than your mum and am very sociable, but where is the down time when you can just snooze in front of the TV?

It’s at least a good thing that she is talking to you about how she is feeling. That seems a really good starting point and it says that she trusts you with her honest feelings. You could listen with an open mind and accept what she says with love and compassion. Then 2026 ask her what she would feel comfortable with and work out a plan. Maybe she would be happier leaving earlier in the day. I wouldn’t take this as a personal criticism. It must be difficult getting older and some people find a lot of stimulation just a bit too much.

I would sit with that for a while. It makes me wonder if she is experiencing hearing loss tbh, that can make interaction significantly more tiring.

The other thing is digestion/beds. I am 56 and have annoyingly reached the stage already where I sleep better in my own bed and room - where I have control of the temperature, airflow, sound, getting up time etc. A bad nights sleep, or acid reflux from eating more than I’m used to, can be much more of an issue now. (God I sound 100. I still do stuff, I promise!)

Your Christmas sounds lovely. Don’t worry about it now. In January, have a chat with her about it. The simplest thing might be to shorten the time she spends with you somehow.

Perhaps she needs to stay at home or she could have gone for a nap if she was tired.
How rude of her.
Do not allow her to upset you after all your efforts.
Some people just have to complain.

I think your day sounds lovely.

My parents are a similar age and still insist on hosting and cooking however I remember one side of grandparents being rather like your mum, and a couple of hours being enough.

So maybe invite her around next year for late afternoon and have an evening meal and then home?

She probably just wanted it to be just the family for Christmas. Probably having the neighbours was to much for her.

I’m 45 with health issues and that would be too much for me. Maybe next year have your Mum over for less time? I think the combination of your friends and the constant noise from the kids is just a lot.

Does she live by herself? If you’re used to a quiet house then 2 children may just be too much. I would ask her in the new year what would make it easier for her. I’m thinking maybe taking the kids out for a walk, use new scooter/bike/skates/skate board while she chills at home.

Tell her she can stay home next year. Ungrateful bat..

How responsible was your mum for the dc whilst you and dh were cooking?

Your Christmas sounds lovely, and your children had a lovely day, it’s not all about your mum. Christmas can be full on, but rather than look to change what you do, give your mum the opportunity to go for a lie down, or watch a movie in her room.

What feels perfect to you, might feel very full on and not relaxing to others. Having guests changes the dynamic and the day does sound not very relaxing with the level of entertainment.

Yes this. It does sound very organised fun I get you want to give the kids a nice day and have fun with your friends but games and a "talent show" sounds really full on. Did you ask her what she wants to do next year ? My parents are mid 70s and just stay at home.

It seems like her way of saying she didn’t want your friends there but that’s not her call to make.
Does your mum live locally? I would be inclined to say I fully understand, next year come for lunch and gifts at noon and we won’t be offended if you leave whenever you have had enough.

I wouldn’t bother guessing, or trying to read minds. Ask her what she wants, as she may just want to stay a few hours then go home, instead of your friends being the problem

She may be getting old but you have young children and you have every right to do Christmas your way just as I’m sure your mum did when she was younger. I think it would be selfish of her to expect you to dampen down Christmas for the rest of her life and see you children miss out on what sounds like a lot of childhood fun. Your mum isn’t that old so potentially had a decade or more of Christmas’s left so maybe it’s time for her to think about not being there for the whole day or being welcome to disappear off for a snooze.

It does sound a bit full on. Small kids and strangers can be exhausting. Now our kids are grown, I avoid anything involving little ones if I can possibly help it.

My mum has always had enough by the time we have finished dinner so l take her home about 6pm and we get on and do what want after that but she only lives up the road so easy - just means l can't drink until afterwards but that's not an issue.

That doesn’t really happen on Christmas Day when you have young kids does it?

It does sound full on with the friends and talent show given her age she probably wanted to have relaxed fun family time