Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

If she has a room to stay in then she can go there for a few hours and watch TV. It’s an easy solution.

I suspect thats not what she wants. She wants Christmas restructured to satisfy her. My MIL was the same. She did not like Christmas at all, but wanted it organised to satisfy her wants rather than anyone else’s/especially children. Wanted children to go away and have Christmas dinner at 8pm and watch tv uninterrupted (even in her early 50s so not an age thing).

Are people missing that it is not just the OP's kids? It's other kids too.
Anyway solution would be to ask her to go up. I wouldn't need to be asked twice!

I think I get it. Even though it was a fairly relaxing day you still have to be 'switched on' especially with the neighbours there. And you cant relax properly in someone else's home even if it is close family.

She is being massively unreasonable. Christmas is for kids especially when they are little.

Does she expect you to get rid of your kids for the day so she can have a quiet adults only Christmas?

If she found it too much she could have gone to her room at any time for a break, but chose not to as she would rather moan at you instead.

She sounds selfish and self-centred. If it was me I would be making it very clear that I won't be limiting my children's activity or enjoyment at Christmas and if she doesn't like that then she can either take herself off to her room for a few hours or not come at all.

My mum cooked the lunch and got in a stress about it. Then all the adults sat and got drunk (and usually rowed) and us kids were left to our own devices with our new toys

Does she think that's what you should be doing? Ignoring your kids so you can spend more of your focus on her?

No, you are missing that you are wrong.

To be honest it does sound like a pretty full day. Kids dancing around neighbours around friends around. Sounds a bit exhausting to me which is fine because Christmas day is like that but The mum was honest and said it was too full-on for her. So it's up to op to either scale down Christmas next year by having it as just family or inviting mum down on a different day

To be honest it does sound like a pretty full day. Kids dancing around neighbours around friends around. Sounds a bit exhausting to me which is fine because Christmas day is like that but The mum was honest and said it was too full-on for her. So it's up to op to either scale down Christmas next year by having it as just family or inviting mum down on a different day

I think its understandable if she finds this too much. Depending on how she spoke about it to you she is likely to be unreasonable to demand you to scale down your christmas. I would have thought she would take herself upstairs to her quarters or for a walk if she is overwhelmed.

I would say it would be the neighbours, followed by the talent show. Could your Mum have gone somewhere to have a rest/nap? Perhaps she didn't want to be rude, so it would be good if you could make it clear she could put her feet up elsewhere at any point. Also, perhaps make it clear that you don't expect her to help with washing up etcetera (if you didn't already do that).
Sounds like you really made an effort for her to have a nice day. 🙂

I don't understand where this notion comes from that Christmas is for children? It's not. It's for everyone.

I think it was just the Op children.

Very difficult. She sounds like my DDad. He found the small grandchildren years very hard to cope with, and there’s just not a lot you can do if she’s staying in your house with you.

I would just make it very clear that you understand it’s a lot for her, and suggest that next year she should take herself off upstairs or for a quiet walk as soon as she starts to feel overwhelmed. No expectation to join in activities that tire her.

Then it’s up to her. My DDad used to refuse to confirm if he was coming; every year saying he ‘might just get a last minute cheap flight somewhere’ - yeah good luck with that at Christmas, Dad.

The old curmudgeon was actually better this year than he has been in years. He wore his hearing aid (which he hates, and rarely bothers with), and now the dc are early teens they are less exuberant and can have adult(ish) conversations with him. I kept expecting him to slope off, and he just didn’t. He seemed to actually enjoy himself.

I think you just have to make sympathetic noises, and ride it out.

OP, I’d be tempted to say DM doesn’t have to come to yours for Christmas. It’s an invitation not a summons.

The fact she has her own space away from the rest of the house means she can get her peace and quiet as it suits. If she chooses not to do that, then that’s on her.

I would say to her, she doesn’t have to come next year, she is welcome but if it’s too much you understand. She can stay at home or come to yours and use her space as she wishes. The one thing She cannot do is dictate how you run your christmas day to ensure she has exactly the day she wants.

Sounds like you had lovely day.Im in my 50s and to be honest I'd be exhausted by it ( but I do have medical complications 😞.I think you should keep Christmas as is but give your mum space to go off be on her own, rest or watch TV . Or make an arrangement for your mum to come in morning for present opening and maybe dinner then drop her home .If you have a good relationship with her and she's not prone to saying things like this id genuinely take on board with kindness what she's said .She may have struggled to say it to you .Best of luck

Well I have completely misread and I take back all I said!
In that case OP's mum is being unreasonable.

Its not her choice. Its not her house and she is not not hosting.

It was. 5 adults, 2 children.

my house is big enough that everyone had a comfy seat and I have two rooms downstairs so it’s easy to go and have some downtime in the other room

Talk to your mum about what she wants next year. Could she be involved in less of the day next year? Could you do "Christmas Day" with her another day? When my great aunt (like grandma as she had no children of her own and all my grandparents had died before I was born) we organised it so she got a "Christmas Day" with my aunt and cousins and another with me and my mum and dad. One was usually in the days before Christmas eve and one between Boxing Day and New Years Eve. She enjoyed this more than being involved when all 7 of us met up on Christmas Day, Your Mum shouldn't get to control your Christmas, but she does get a say on what she enjoys or doesn't enjoy being part of.

Sorry I misread. That sounds perfectly ok.

Sympathies @MyQuirkyFinch you must feel pulled in two directions! FWIW I think it sounds like your neighbours helped as it created an adult heavy Christmas which is what your Mum wanted.

I would prioritise your kids- you have so few years of them being old enough to understand it and fully believe in the magic, cliche but you’ll blink and it’ll be teenagers and a different vibe once again.

I think all you can do is be clear to your Mum that this is what Christmas involves, she’s welcome to retreat to her room whenever she likes or you’ll arrange to visit overnight/have her stay at another time.

Don’t discuss it now, but next year talk to her in advance and plan the day, but also make it clear she can excuse herself from any of it.

It doesn’t sound too taxing to me although I would say most people find time to chill in front of the TV or listen to the radio. Maybe it was all quite loud for her and she wanted a moment to chill like that.

I'm the same age and did all the cooking, although DD did most of the washing up, and I stayed up later than intended watching tv and playing silly card games. I don't understand, it seems like a relaxing and fun day, being with family and not having to do much at all. Suggest a health check? She shouldn't be over whelmed like that if she is as fit as you say.

Yeah I was answering someone else who thought there was other children.