Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

I am absolutely sure, @PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul. The dog needs a walk, my older granddaughter loves going to the playground and having a run around the park, and I can’t walk so can’t go with them. I promise you everyone is happy.

And if the OP and her partner and children had wanted to do that on Christmas Day, I’m sure they would have done. They probably didn’t have time, due to all the prep, cooking, cleaning and hosting.

I also think that, if you invite a guest, it is not entirely unreasonable to make some adjustments to life, for their comfort and pleasure. A bit of give and take on both sides is not utterly unreasonable, is it?

This is truly the height of self-centeredness.

The OP is hosting Christmas, which is so much more than just inviting a guest over.

I presume she will have cleaned the house from top to bottom in preparation for the day, got up early with her children (after being up late the night before, wrapping and putting out presents). She will have cleared up the post present opening mess, made breakfast for everyone, cleaned that up, got herself dressed, got her children dressed, had another general tidy up, played with her children and their new toys and began prepping dinner.

You seem to think that, on top of all of that, it’s not unreasonable for the OP to give even more by taking her children out of the house for a long walk.

If a guest needs a person to make “adjustments” for them to this extent, they should just stay at home.

It’s actually shocking how many adults cannot see beyond themselves and their “needs”.

I give up. When I host, I do my best to accommodate my guests and make them feel at home - cooking, cleaning, comfy beds, of course, but also making some adjustments to our routine for their sake. I thought that was being a good host. Apparently I am doing it all wrong and should completely ignore them and anything they might (unreasonably) want because I have fed them and given them a bed.

I am so glad my family is kinder than some on here, and I am not made to feel like an unacceptable burden to my nearest and dearest who should just die already.

Yeah that's exactly what we are all saying

Give over. OP has bent over backwards. You must be reading a different thread

Totally agree @Vivi0 where is the adjustments coming from the dgm?!

But the OP has done all of this. Hosted, washed, cooked, cleaned… everything. She has even provided her mum with an entire floor of rooms to retreat to when tired. Are you saying she hasn’t done enough?
And in terms of ‘give and take’, what do you think her mother has done?

Elderly people don’t deserve consideration and support merely by being elderly. Not when they’ve behaved disgracefully as adults and parents in their prime. Selfish, narcissistic, unreasonable people don’t become loving old ladies deserving of every consideration. They become selfish, narcissistic, unreasonable elderly people without the power they’re so accustomed to to impose their will on others.

The way OP’s mum carried on when OP was a child, and the comfortable options OP has already made available to her now, absolves OP of any additional effort. I’m frankly surprised OP still has her to stay for multiple days.

I’ve been hosting for 10 plus family members for years, including an elderly grandmother, and never has anyone expected me to leave my own home with my children, on top of everything else hosting Christmas involves, for their comfort.

If anyone actually expected that of me, or anything else on top of all I do on the day, they would be invited to stay at home next time.

Luckily, I seem to have a normal family who love spending time with my children and are grateful for the Christmas my husband and I put on every year for them.

The majority of people appreciate what hosting Christmas Day actually entails, especially with young children. When someone hosts you for Christmas, provides all the food, drinks, cooks for you, serves you, cleans up after you etc - the only appropriate response is “thank you”.

As I said, it is shocking to me just how many adults cannot see beyond themselves.

This is not a case of the mother being an unacceptable burden to her nearest and dearest who should die already.

She is being hosted for several days, all meals are provided, she does not need to do childcare, she has a whole floor to herself. She is a loving daughter who treats her very well despite being subject to drunken eastenders style Christmases when she was young.

So what do you do with your children if elderly relatives want an adult Christmas?

I live at the coast, our Christmas walk came to an abrupt end. It was freezing, the wind was so strong it took the hood off GSs buggy. We lasted about five minutes.

I think it's really nice of them to do that, and quite sad that you don't realise they are, in fact, putting themselves out for you and so don't see it as the loving gesture it is, and aren't grateful for it. Of course they don't just happen to magically want to go for a walk at the point your energy flags - that you think they do is like toddler logic!

This is what it boils down to. And there's absolutely no reason to suppose that the children going to the park for a time will be sufficient to placate DM, after all.

It was an astonishingly cheeky thing of her to say, really.

Who said I am not grateful for it, @TheRealMagic? Where on earth did you dredge that up from?

Christ alive - I didn’t realise making a suggestion would open me up to character assassination.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius

You made a suggestion that may be impractical for the situation. Rather than see it as an unhelpful idea, you’ve become defensive about hosting etiquette. The OP has been accommodating and seem to do the same things you do for your guests (cooking, cleaning etc). You are not doing anything special or differently to the rest of us who feel the OP should keep the Christmas Day as it was - fairly low key.

Due to hosting on Christmas Day, it’s much harder to 1. Get out of the house after 12pm and 2. Not play games / create a Christmas fun day

The OP has already made suggestions on improving the spaces she can retreat to . The majority have agreed this is a good idea as a reasonable adjustment which hopefully will make DM’s stay more comfortable next year.

The OP was not asking about any other day when I’m sure they would have gone out anyway.

As far as I can tell, the reasonable adjustment that you’re suggesting is to go to the park/walk like they would any other day and don’t bother with playing games or create family memories to include their DGM on Christmas Day. Sorry they will still have a Christmas dinner (with crackers and all the trimmings maybe) and get to open their presents in the morning, before DGM wakes up, go for a walk after dinner then come home and go to bed - hopefully they’ll be too tired to make any noise . 🙌🏼 great adjustment for the children

I kinda think something else is afoot here… it sounds like a normal, lovely family Christmas. If she found it too much, it’s for her to take herself for some down time or not commit to the whole day next year etc

You couldn’t be more wrong, but thanks for the unnecessarily nasty comment.

If you’ve read the thread then you’d see that the OP has always had to fit in with her selfish mother who’s always made it about herself, even when the OP was a child. Your ‘helpful suggestion’ is asking the OP to centre her selfish mother even more when she’s already bending over backwards to please her and always has. I’m mystified how you can’t see that from her posts.

Since people have pulled you up about it you’ve gone all passive aggressive and I’m only just a kind person what’s all wrong with you.

When someone is stuck in a relationship with someone who has always guilted them into obedience, guilting them even more into trying harder is even less called for. So many people on this thread are trying to get the OP to centre her children and herself first but you’re still trying to get her to centre the selfish mother because she’s old and you identify with her. I’m quite old too but I do understand what it’s like to be a child or a stressed mother trying to please everyone.

In my family we have always kept Christmas Day just immediate family (parents, kids, grandparents) and then Boxing Day onwards is for friends/neighbours/ extended family/ big parties. Why not do that instead? Then no one is missing out and you aren’t scaling it back. Another option is to take them to eat out so they aren’t staying over. Many restaurants do deals over Christmas and it avoids a large chunk of the work. It can be a bit of a shock for older people who are not used to being around young kids and staying away from home. Many are used to an afternoon nap. I am only 40s but with health issues and my partners family events are more like you describe - I almost always flare up, can’t eat anything and it takes me days to recover. But, I wouldn’t expect them to do things differently just for me. I simply make my own arrangements to take part with what I’m comfortable with.

Well, the person who would still be unhappy with the arrangement is the OP’s mother, as she was perfectly happy with the company of the neighbours. It was her own grandchildren she’d have preferred not to be there on the day.

Just all of this. Cannot believe that after the OPs updates people are still posting stuff like that.