Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

I’m 55 with no health issues and I’m neurotypical.

Id have found the constant busyness of your day too much, but my family know I can’t get a bit “peopled out”, even with my nearest and dearest, so sometimes need to disappear for half an hour to regroup myself. No one makes an issue of it as they accept that’s just how I am.

Maybe your mum would have benefitted from doing something like I do?

Not much. Our friends basically entertained them whilst we were cooking.

Let things cool down a little bit and then approach her about what specifically felt too much about it.

Did she feel there wasn't an obvious gap in festivities for her to go for a nap, or was it that she felt self conscious or that she needed to be socially "on" around your friend's? You don't have to arrange everything around her but now that you know there's an issue it would be good to see what you can do to make things easier for her next year without putting a dampener on the day for everyone else.

I would just provide her with an open invite for next year, gone are my days of trying to please everyone. I’d make it clear what was going to happen on Xmas day and that she could go up for a lie down any time she wanted. If she doesn’t want to come that’s up to her.

This. Is sounds non-stop.

have you asked her what about it was too much so you know for next year?

I think your mum is being very unreasonable and quite controlling. She’s a guest in your house and doesn’t get to set the agenda. Yes you need to be considerate but it sounds like a fairly reasonable thing to have two friends around.

My dad stayed with us until his late 80s, there were always people coming and going, people drinking and playing games etc. He could retire to his room if he wanted to and he rightly understood it wasn’t his role to set the tone of the day.

If she wants it to feel like God’s waiting room she shouldn’t choose to stay with a young family.

Best thing to do is to ask her exactly what she means. Was it the extra people? Fairly reasonable. Was it the games and activities? Unreasonable, with small kids around. Ask her what would she have liked instead, rather than trying to guess.

There’s a part of me that would be saying if she doesn’t like it at your house for Christmas Day she can always bugger off and do her own thing next year. But presuming you want to invite her again, drop the talent show - yes, you say she could have opted out etc but how bad would she feel saying she was off for a lie down just as your precious DC was doing her Frozen act?

Zonking out in front of the telly is probably what she needs.

The issue could be the talent show, the charades etc, or the friends attending. But no one on MN can really say, you'll need to ask her for more specifics.

Are you the kind of house where ppl get put out if you slope off for a nap/quiet read? Because if not, I don't understand why she didn't just do that tbh. That could be the answer next year or leave earlier/arrive later as pps have said.

Sorry I should’ve added. She lives too far away to come for the day so she stays a few days over Christmas. She has to top floor of the house to herself with bedroom and bathroom plus her own tv up there etc. she had some quiet time up there in the morning and came down at 12 when next door arrived.

Why should it all be what she wants? How tf do you 'snooze' watching TV with such young children. Keeping the children quiet would be cruel

You can't have an old people's Christmas with small children, she could have taken herself off to bed.

Also the mind boggles at all these people who find watching TV and playing parlour games “too much”. Would you rather be in an induced coma?

It feels like a bit of both to me.

ask her what she would prefer to do for Christmas, and consider if it works for your family, but also remind her that she doesn’t have to come if she doesn’t fancy what’s being planned…

That’s how it is with young kids tbh. This is exactly how it goes at ours and it’s just me , OH and DD. Even now that she’s a teen, she wanted to hang out with us and play board games, watch stuff on telly, and show us what she can do with some of her new stuff.

To be honest people are focusing on our friends but I think it’s more the kid aspects of the day she doesn’t like. Having toys lying around and playing with them etc. I think if I didn’t have the kids here she’d have enjoyed it a lot more. But I can’t get rid of my kids!

It sounds full on, but she's a guest and you are hosting, so you get to do Christmas your way.

"Mum, this is how we do/ are doing Christmas. You're welcome as always, but I wanted to warn you in case you want to have some quiet time during the day. It's going to be quite busy and loud, so we totally understand if it's not for you." Leave the ball in her court.

This.

We struggle to balance elderly parents and 7 year old DS but the kids need to have a good time so what can you do 🤷‍♀️

Wow. I think she's been unecessarily rude here. it can be exhausting being a guest, but if she had her own room to retreat to and nothing expected of her, why did she feel the need to say that? I'm sorry. I would just say something like, "I'm sorry to hear that. We've loved having you here." (through gritted teeth at this point!) And then shut down all talk of next Christmas - don't even give it the headspace yet!

Perhaps she's trying to gently tell you she'd prefer to stay at home on her own for an adult Christmas next year 😆 You could invite her still but let her you understand if she prefers to stay home.

We don’t really have the tv on on Christmas Day with young kids.

i’ve tried to ask her more about it this morning and it does seem to centre around the kids. Say she loves having the neighbours over because they’re such nice people and really enjoyed the talent show because she got to sing her German song.

I think she just really misses adults only Christmas

Your day sounds absolutely lovely and your Mum sounds ungrateful.
Christmas is a magical time for children and why shouldn’t the merriment be focussed around them for a day? If she was feeling overwhelmed/tired/fed up then it’s up to her to be an adult and take herself off somewhere quiet for a while.
She shouldn’t be trying to make you feel like there was anything wrong with your lovely day.

If she lives alone it may have just been sensory overload. Perhaps next year you could suggest she has a little nap after her lunch, or maybe watches TV or reads in peace upstairs whilst you, the kids and your friends do your game playing.

Why does it all have to be about her? If she doesn't like it, she can go elsewhere. What would she rather do, have a quieter day that the kids won't enjoy as much just so she feels catered to? She sounds unbelievably selfish.