Page 38 | Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

MyQuirkyFinch · 2025-12-26T10:24:40+00:00

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3. This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them. We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that. When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun! Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch. My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night. This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids. Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

bananafake · 28/12/2025 12:41

ForTheForseeable · 28/12/2025 10:17

Can you not see though that the OP is unhealthily obsessed with pleasing her mother? She doesn't need any more suggestions as to how to please her, she needs to actually focus on pleasing her kids. She's already thinking that next year she's going to send them to their rooms, now you're suggesting she sends them out of their home entirely!

And the 'most kids I know...' well most grandparents I know would want to be with their grandchildren but we are all told we have to respect that this woman is different. Which is fine. But surely we need to give that same respect to the kids?

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This.

AgreeToDisagreeSometimes · 28/12/2025 12:57

ForTheForseeable · 28/12/2025 10:11

Why should they? They went to the park Christmas eve and boxing day. What new wheels?

I'm honestly baffled at your insistence that an entire family should bend to a woman who has already been catered for more than sufficiently.

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that would also leave one person to do all the food prep and cooking whilst the other helpful adult is taking the children to the park.
how long would be sufficient to give her a breather when she only came down at 12pm - the whole afternoon and return when the dinner is ready??

Diddlyumptious · 28/12/2025 13:09

Your day sounds perfect and what a kind daughter you are thinking about her and small changes you can make to make her accommodation even better. She's very lucky to have you. BTW I'd have kept quiet.

Hippobot · 28/12/2025 13:16

Thewovenform98 · 28/12/2025 07:12

I understand how statistics work thank you.

I disagree with your basic assertion that
Boomers are well known for being selfish compared to previous generations (plenty stats to back that up)

If you are so well versed in statistics, you should also know that they can be found to prove pretty much any theory you like!

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This reads like "not all men".

MsGinaLinetti · 28/12/2025 13:23

QuaintMauveCrow · 28/12/2025 12:28

That’s exactly what I was meaning? The responses suggesting that op needs to cater to her mothers wants instead of embracing the lovely environment she created for her children’s Christmas are crazy!

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Agreed

Dumpspirospero · 28/12/2025 13:23

You sound like a wonderful daughter and your husband sounds like a good son-in-law. We can all get a bit stressy and curmudgeonly at Christmas. It’s a lovely social time of year but expectations are high and it can be exhausting in the run up if you have a busy job, school activities etc.
I think you are doing all the right things. You should prioritise your children at Christmas. They sound like good kids. You’ve given your mum space and the freedom to choose what to do. She’s an adult and can make her own choices. You are planning to make her space even more comfortable next year. I hope she expressed some gratitude too.
The reality of caring for a widowed parent and small children is that it’s not always possible to do everything for everyone. There have to be some compromises. You worry more about your parents as they age and with that worry comes guilt. The guilt is a completely wasted emotion. Often it’s not helpful to the aging relative either. I say this as someone who has been involved in the care of two sets of elderly parents and several elderly unmarried aunts. Now I’m older and my husband is older still. I’d hate it if my adult children felt Christmas had to revolve around me. (I still host for 14 plus people at Christmas and have done for 32years).
I wish someone had told me when I was caring for older relatives that simply doing your best with kindness and understanding (as you are doing) is enough. You can’t roll back the clock. It’s ok to ignore the odd moan or pity party. You are doing just fine and you can trust your instincts. You’ll know when you have to ramp the caring and advocacy up. In the meantime, it’s a marathon not a sprint and you need to prioritise your own wellbeing sometimes too. Take some time to reflect on what a great daughter and mum you are and what a lovely Christmas you’ve provided for the people you love.

LadyBlakeneysHanky · 28/12/2025 13:27

Meg8 · 28/12/2025 09:03

I am surprised (or not?) at the many callous and sarcastic comments on here abt OPs DM and how she is "trying to make it all about her" and how selfish etc she is. People of her age (MY age!) all have different life experiences (developed over a lifetime, not a few years) and how they behaved when the same age as the OP was a different era altogether. For many, the adage "children should be seen and not heard" was something that many believed in and it often was the norm. Women typically did what their DHs insisted upon and had to puit up with it or life could be very miserable. And yes, loads of alcohol was also the norm.

But here she is at 75, widowed for 20 years, and luckjy enough to have a loving DD (and she IS VERY loving) and clearly she doesn't see that the children are any more important than anyone else, including her.

The remarks made that 75 isn't old ignore the fact that every 75-year-old is different. While I am (in appearance) fit and well I am losing my stamina, and have never been a great lover of party games. Meanwhile my DH is a semi-invalid and is unable to join in things as he used to.The other GPs are a few years younger than us and absolute party-people which we are not, but only six months ago the grandpa suffered a major heart attack and his physical cababilities are much reduced. Both Grandpas deserve some consideration from family and friends - though none of us would say or imply that we were more important than the GC or anyone else.

Ill health, declining physical (or mental) abilities or just plain wearing out of bodies will come to most of you younger folks, at different times. I have friends in their 90s who still go mountain-walking and friends in their 60s who cannot go far at all. For the latter, the strain of everyday living can reduce their ability to manage life as they used to, and they are often in pain which is not a visible condition.

So let's please cut the OP's mother some slack - one day some of you might be in a similar (or worse) condition and believe me will also expect to be given some consideration at Christmas. And probably deserve that, whatever you think about their past lives (that were likely considered normal to them).

That all said, NONE of us GPs would want any special fuss at family gatherings, but the quiet room might be a good idea for OPs mum. OTOH it might be just that - an idea - and she might be too embarassed to actually use it! I know I would. Actually, I might be upset that I was so lacking in stamina that I needed such a room. Although party games are not my scene I hate to stand out as different.

OP, you are a wonderful DD to be so concerned and considerate to your mum. Of course the children's day is paramount whatever your DM feels, but she is worth a bit of consideration as well. Everyone is. But no, you must NOT alter the day for your children. They deserve to be a major part of the fun and love.

I do find it a bit odd that the neighbours were invited cos I'm not the best at small talk.

My GC are nearly 14 and 12 now. I'm thrilled that we can join in their day and can see they are equally thrilled that we are there. I wouldn't change it for the world despite our personal problems. It was a very loving atmosphere and that means it all to me.

Sorry for the long post, but those who think they are going to be 100% fit and well in later years might have a shock coming to them. I hope not. At least I hope they don't get cast onto the scrap heap as not important to their families.

I’m a mother and at the moment a semi-invalid. Walking is very difficult and I am in pretty much constant pain which can no longer be controlled by medication- at least, none available to me outside a hospital setting.

I made huge efforts to give my children a happy, active Christmas despite this (and am now in bed as the result).

The idea that everyone who does not centre old people in their festivities is unaware of the reality of pain and suffering - well, it is just insulting to the many parents of young children and teens who fight their way through pain to give their children a happy, energetic, youthful Christmas.

Old people absolutely do not have a monopoly on pain and suffering. Sometimes, like the OP’s mother, they’re just plain selfish & want the world to revolve round them.

OP is unhealthily frightened of failing to comply with all of her mother’s wishes. Probably in consequence of what sounds like her mother’s narcissistic histrionics when she was a child. It is sad and I hope she gets therapy, because her mother’s demands are only going to get worse as she ages.

ThisElatedShark · 28/12/2025 13:38

Vivi0 · 28/12/2025 12:16

I lived with my parents (as a teenager) when my nieces were young. My parents were only in their late 40s, and all 3 of us loved spending (some!) time with my lovely nieces. But all 3 of us would also breathe a huge exhausted sigh when they went home.

A “big exhausted sigh”? After spending a few hours with your nieces on Christmas Day as a teenager?

Dramatic much 😂

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Umm yeah. Were you never a teenager or having a laugh with one? 😂 It was always a bit of a joke but we were also genuinely glad they’d gone so that we could relax.

I think I’m getting some slightly unfair reactions on this thread. My post said that it all sounds like normal family activity and that OP should definitely put her children first. Since then I’ve just been replying to direct questions that seem to have derailed my point slightly?!

ForTheForseeable · 28/12/2025 13:45

It's a bit laughable, sorry.

TheRealMagic · 28/12/2025 14:38

ThisElatedShark · 28/12/2025 13:38

Umm yeah. Were you never a teenager or having a laugh with one? 😂 It was always a bit of a joke but we were also genuinely glad they’d gone so that we could relax.

I think I’m getting some slightly unfair reactions on this thread. My post said that it all sounds like normal family activity and that OP should definitely put her children first. Since then I’ve just been replying to direct questions that seem to have derailed my point slightly?!

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It would have almost certainly been more relaxing for your parents if you'd left too when your nieces did... But I assume that, like the OP's DC, you weren't expecting to be either turfed out or invisible in your own home so that your relatives could relax in total comfort encumbered by you.

ForTheForseeable · 28/12/2025 14:41

TheRealMagic · 28/12/2025 14:38

It would have almost certainly been more relaxing for your parents if you'd left too when your nieces did... But I assume that, like the OP's DC, you weren't expecting to be either turfed out or invisible in your own home so that your relatives could relax in total comfort encumbered by you.

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Fuck me that's a good point.

Soozikinzii · 28/12/2025 15:09

Could you have the friends for new year or boxing day next year ?

ForTheForseeable · 28/12/2025 15:16

People really don't read a thread do they?

Climbinghigher · 28/12/2025 15:23

Washingupdone · 28/12/2025 11:51

My dad died almost 20 years ago and I have cared for my mum since then. It’s become much harder to do that since I had the children and I find it difficult to navigate.

Speaking as a 75 year old. This is the problem, many women relied on their partners, they dropped out of driving, managing the accounts, computers etc, because the man took care/control of these matters especially if they were a sahm. Their partners dies and they have no idea how to manage so turn to their children for help like a crutch. Some have a small world and haven’t moved on.

As I said previously, do not feel guilty, you are doing a fantastic job having happy children as well as welcoming your mother. She if she feels the children are too much go to her room for a lie down.

Hang on - does that mean you have been looking after your mum since she was 55? That’s insane. I would be offended if anyone thought I needed any sort of looking after.

I think the issue here is the roles within the family. If she wants looking after of course she isn’t going to want to be around young children who have greater needs. This isn
t necessarily conscious.

Honestly providing a suite of rooms and an invitation to not actually have to do anything is more than enough.

frecklejuice · 28/12/2025 15:43

You don’t scale it back, she doesn’t get to dictate your christmas. She has had her Christmas days with young kids when you were young and now it is your turn, if it’s too much then she doesn’t have to come.

Onefortheroad25 · 28/12/2025 16:08

frecklejuice · 28/12/2025 15:43

You don’t scale it back, she doesn’t get to dictate your christmas. She has had her Christmas days with young kids when you were young and now it is your turn, if it’s too much then she doesn’t have to come.

Exactly this. Your day sounded lovely and if she thought it was a bit much she should have kept it to herself. I’d leave her at home next year.
Similar shite going on here with my own mother. For the last time.

GalaxyJam · 28/12/2025 16:11

Soozikinzii · 28/12/2025 15:09

Could you have the friends for new year or boxing day next year ?

Why? Her mother was perfectly happy to have the neighbours there, she said this explicitly. It was her own grandchildren she struggled with.

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 28/12/2025 16:15

ForTheForseeable · 28/12/2025 15:16

People really don't read a thread do they?

They definitely don’t! Incredulous to see some posters suggesting that op and dc clear out of the house for several hours to give the dgm the whole house to herself and then when they return home they set to work making her food! 😱

GalaxyJam · 28/12/2025 16:22

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 28/12/2025 16:15

They definitely don’t! Incredulous to see some posters suggesting that op and dc clear out of the house for several hours to give the dgm the whole house to herself and then when they return home they set to work making her food! 😱

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It’s unbelievable isn’t it? The OP is hosting her mother for a few days, with all the work that entails (providing clean bedding, three meals a day, sharing her space), plus cooking her Christmas dinner (a pretty big effort), and people are suggesting she isn’t doing enough and should leave the house for a couple of hours on Christmas Day (after cooking breakfast but before cooking dinner maybe? Or after cooking breakfast and dinner and cleaning it all up?) so that her mother can have the entire house to herself for a break? Im fairly sure the OP would like a break too, but she’ll be too busy hosting/feeding/cleaning up after everyone!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/12/2025 16:28

Plenty of people go out for a walk/a trip to the park/playground in the afternoon of Christmas Day, @GalaxyJam - it gets the kids out of the house, and they can run off some energy and excitement. All I was saying was that if the OP did this, her mum could have that time alone at the house.

I don’t have much energy - thanks to long covid - so when we go to see ds1 and his family (a 3 year old toddler and 9 month old twins), they and dh will take the children and the dog out to the park, while I stay at home to catch my breath. I am sure they don’t feel they are being thrown out of the house for my benefit. They want a walk, I can’t walk, so everyone is happy.

I also think that, if you invite a guest, it is not entirely unreasonable to make some adjustments to life, for their comfort and pleasure. A bit of give and take on both sides is not utterly unreasonable, is it?

ForTheForseeable · 28/12/2025 16:30

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/12/2025 16:28

Plenty of people go out for a walk/a trip to the park/playground in the afternoon of Christmas Day, @GalaxyJam - it gets the kids out of the house, and they can run off some energy and excitement. All I was saying was that if the OP did this, her mum could have that time alone at the house.

I don’t have much energy - thanks to long covid - so when we go to see ds1 and his family (a 3 year old toddler and 9 month old twins), they and dh will take the children and the dog out to the park, while I stay at home to catch my breath. I am sure they don’t feel they are being thrown out of the house for my benefit. They want a walk, I can’t walk, so everyone is happy.

I also think that, if you invite a guest, it is not entirely unreasonable to make some adjustments to life, for their comfort and pleasure. A bit of give and take on both sides is not utterly unreasonable, is it?

Why does she need a whole house? That's not hers?
She has her own floor?

Have I landed on a different planet?

GalaxyJam · 28/12/2025 16:32

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/12/2025 16:28

Plenty of people go out for a walk/a trip to the park/playground in the afternoon of Christmas Day, @GalaxyJam - it gets the kids out of the house, and they can run off some energy and excitement. All I was saying was that if the OP did this, her mum could have that time alone at the house.

I don’t have much energy - thanks to long covid - so when we go to see ds1 and his family (a 3 year old toddler and 9 month old twins), they and dh will take the children and the dog out to the park, while I stay at home to catch my breath. I am sure they don’t feel they are being thrown out of the house for my benefit. They want a walk, I can’t walk, so everyone is happy.

I also think that, if you invite a guest, it is not entirely unreasonable to make some adjustments to life, for their comfort and pleasure. A bit of give and take on both sides is not utterly unreasonable, is it?

If the OP and her husband and children had wanted a walk on Christmas Day, I’m sure they would have taken one.

GalaxyJam · 28/12/2025 16:33

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/12/2025 16:28

Plenty of people go out for a walk/a trip to the park/playground in the afternoon of Christmas Day, @GalaxyJam - it gets the kids out of the house, and they can run off some energy and excitement. All I was saying was that if the OP did this, her mum could have that time alone at the house.

I don’t have much energy - thanks to long covid - so when we go to see ds1 and his family (a 3 year old toddler and 9 month old twins), they and dh will take the children and the dog out to the park, while I stay at home to catch my breath. I am sure they don’t feel they are being thrown out of the house for my benefit. They want a walk, I can’t walk, so everyone is happy.

I also think that, if you invite a guest, it is not entirely unreasonable to make some adjustments to life, for their comfort and pleasure. A bit of give and take on both sides is not utterly unreasonable, is it?

Is the OP not already ‘giving’ a fair amount? Hosting for 3 days, cooking, cleaning, cooking Christmas dinner, allowing her mum to sit down all day on Christmas Day while she does all the hard work?
So far I can see a lot of ‘give’ from the OP, a lot of ‘take’ from her mother, and not much the other way around.

PennyLaneisinmyheartandmysoul · 28/12/2025 16:38

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 28/12/2025 16:28

Plenty of people go out for a walk/a trip to the park/playground in the afternoon of Christmas Day, @GalaxyJam - it gets the kids out of the house, and they can run off some energy and excitement. All I was saying was that if the OP did this, her mum could have that time alone at the house.

I don’t have much energy - thanks to long covid - so when we go to see ds1 and his family (a 3 year old toddler and 9 month old twins), they and dh will take the children and the dog out to the park, while I stay at home to catch my breath. I am sure they don’t feel they are being thrown out of the house for my benefit. They want a walk, I can’t walk, so everyone is happy.

I also think that, if you invite a guest, it is not entirely unreasonable to make some adjustments to life, for their comfort and pleasure. A bit of give and take on both sides is not utterly unreasonable, is it?

I am sure they don’t feel they are being thrown out of the house for my benefit.
are you sure? I can’t imagine ever going to be hosted somewhere and having the expectation that the adults and children who live there should have to leave their own home to give me time alone in their home!

GalaxyJam · 28/12/2025 16:41

In fact, what is the OP’s mother ‘giving’ in this scenario? The pleasure of her company?