Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

Same, we watched The Scarecrow’s Wedding at 3.10pm because its youngest DS’s favourite book but otherwise we don’t have the TV on. The kids have got too many new things to play with!

Frankly I’d just tell her she’s welcome to go upstairs if it all gets a bit much for her. I don’t see why you should have to dial down your children’s fun just for the sake of one person.

I’m not a big fan of noisy Christmas days either… which is why I remove myself from them. But it’s not okay for me to tell others how they should celebrate.

Christmas can be very tiring. I know there will be still 75 year olds that run marathons and backpack around the world, but then there are others that do notice their energy decline. Ask her what was too much. Maybe you and her could rethink her visit and how you do things

Well if she really does just want an adult Christmas she’ll have to do that - with some other adults.

I think it’s also surprised me because several of my friends parents are a similar age and are still hosting Christmas for all the family. And much bigger families than ours!

It's Christmas! You are not being unreasonable to play games and have fun with your children.

As long as you aren't strong-arming her into joining in everything if she doesn't want to, your Mum is being unreasonable.

She doesn’t have anywhere else to go at Christmas other than come to us, I don’t have any siblings

I am only 53 and I can't tolerate other people's kids any more for a whole day.

I think it was a remark aimed at inviting your friends around too. Maybe she was expecting just a family Christmas. Did she know beforehand that you were inviting others?

So she’ll have to suck it up, frankly.

Other people’s kids… like your grandchildren?

I read a saying years ago; It's not selfish to live as you wish, it is selfish to expect others to live as you wish (or words to that effect).

Your mum could have escaped for a while if she wanted to. It would be wrong of her to expect you to cut back on 'kid' activities at her behest.

Sounds like you did a brilliant job, your mum should have taken herself off for a rest if she needed one, assume she could as you said she also went to bed fairly early. I can’t imagine being that entitled with my son if he was gracious to include me. You’re allowed to have friends over and the playing with the kids sounds lovely.

My dad is 87 so a bit older than your mum but it gets too much for him and our kids are adults but they are loud, he is hard of hearing so doesn't always get things. he lives a few streets away and takes himself off home after a couple of hours.

ask her what she wants.

how far away does she stay that it is “too far away”?
An hour by car? four hours? eight?
i take it you and DH drive and pick her up?

if it were me i’d go to her for a few hours and take all the food for a lunch or book a restaurant near her.

Then say goodbye and come home and do the thing with neighbours etc without her.

Id suggest if you don’t do that on christmas day do it on boxing day instead or year about, so she has your company over the festive period and it’s not too much for her plus no long journey for her and her own routine and bed at night.

ps your mum probably felt obliged to come down and be sociable with the neighbours but couldn’t really be bothered with them. you realise when you’re older how noisy and full in children are. it’s fine for half an hour but then it’s just annoying!

Tbh the talent show would have me running for the hills.

It does sound like you had a lovely day but I’d be drained by it and yearning for some alone time (but that’s me, especially with neighbours there).

I think that was a very ungrateful thing to say to you after you'd hosted her.

She doesn't have to come, but she doesn't get to dictate the day!

Your days sounds lovely.

I mean.. that’s tough titties really. It’s not like you can send your kids away or lock them in their bedrooms for hours so she can enjoy herself. If they’re too much, she can just remove herself.

I’m still not clear on what she didn’t like.

You can’t make the kids disappear! I’m afraid she sounds a bit of a misery if it’s the presence of the kids.

At 75 I dont think shes being unreasonable TBH . DC sounds lovely but games, singing and children sound a bit full on! I am in my early 60s and feel exhausted with my DGDs .Maybe see what she expects next year? Would she be happy at home .Or maybe come round just for tea ?

Actually, I think a 3 year old and a 7 year old on Christmas Day are going to be pretty full on whatever age you are, when it’s something you aren’t used to. Another thought could be that you all sit and watch a film together after your Christmas lunch and save some of the game playing for Boxing Day?

Really struggling to understand why your DM couldn’t take herself off for a quiet rest if it was getting too much for her. She sounds totally unreasonable and unwilling to take any responsibility for herself. Your day sounds fabulous (I’d have needed a break myself though 😂)

Well if the 'issue' is the kids nothing can really be done about it.

I think it’s tough. It sounds like you and DH worked hard to try and ensure everyone had a good day and imo the kids need to be the focus at Christmas. Your mum has a whole floor of the house to herself and can have a nap or a rest when needed. I would tell her next year that it will be much the same thing and she’s welcome to stay and chill when she likes or not come. You haven’t asked her to cook or entertain the kids. Maybe just explain she doesn’t have to play any games if she’s tired and can go and have a sleep

Then I think you need to be quite blunt and tell her you're not going to limit your children's enjoyment of Christmas going forward.

She's welcome to come and go upstairs for a rest whenever she wants, but the children will be enjoying their new toys, playing games, and being general excited kids at Christmas. Or she can choose to spend Christmas on her own.