Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

Seconding the question about hearing loss. A busy room can be very difficult for some people even if they are still going well one to one.

My parents have now passed but whenever I hosted Christmas in their later years I made sure there was a quiet space for them to retreat to whenever they wanted, no questions asked, no expectations. Now I’m a bit older I love getting away from the day, even just for a quiet brew…

There's no off switch with a 7 and 3 year old. Add in the fact that next door neighbours are there and I can see it's very tiring.
Add to that if you live alone and are not used to the chaos of family life.
Your mum might have been better to come down for an hour in the morning, then go back upstairs for a couple of hours peace in the afternoon.
When our DC were little we always hosted and my parents would come over for the day but the in laws hosted boxing day well into their 70s.

I wouldn't worry about it. Just next year send her upstairs for a rest in the afternoon.

TBH That sounds way too much for me and I am 52. But, tbf i do have a number of health conditions- i look totally all right on the outside but its taken years to finally pin down my various auto immune conditions that cause tiredness.

And small kids are exhausting even at their best.

So what do you suggest?

Lock the kids in their rooms?

Christmas is for kids, if she doesn't like them she needs to be a home on her own.

Some people get very selfish when they get older

I would crack on and just your mum know what the plan is and then she can decide which bits she would like to be involved in. One busy day surrounded by loads of quiet days isn't going to hurt anyone. My dm is nearly 77 and is the first to suggest games for the kids. As a child there were always older people joining in with Christmas games into their 80s and 90s and they all seemed to enjoy watching the kids have fun even if they couldn't join in much themselves. It isn't up for your dm to decide how your family should celebrate Christmas but she does need to be responsible for working out what she can and can't manage.

How were your days structured when you were a child and your mum was the host?

It’s about 3 hours by car. She normally catches the train down and I pick her up from the station. It’s too far to go to her house for lunch and the reason we don’t go to hers at Christmas is because her house is smaller so we’re all a bit on top of each other.

Have you asked her what she would have wanted to be different?

Not that I'm saying you should do anything differently by the way, at 75 she's old enough to take herself off for quiet time, or politely decline the invitation. Presumably she wasn't forced at gunpoint to partake. But it would be interesting to find out what she actually expects you to be able to change

Lives alone, no other children than you strikes me that she has found the children and noise overwhelming.

Unfortunately there isn't a thing you can do about it, other than tell her that you understand and if she feels it is too much then you understand if she doesn't want to spend Christmas with you next year.

You have children and I am afraid for me, their enjoyment would be the priority for me. Your mum clearly had a choice to take herself out of the mele if needed. She chose not to, so she created the situation.

That is unfortunate for her that she doesn't have anyone else, but if she wants to come to you, it won't be an adults only day will it? Don't change anything. Just invite her and make it clear it is 100% optional. Some people would truly rather be at home on their own than do a family Christmas and I sometimes see their point 😂.

Maybe she wasn’t complaining, or expecting you to do anything differently, but just being honest with her daughter about sensory overload. She’s lucky to have a whole floor to herself to retreat to though!

Yes. I spoke to her before I invited them. They’re actually retired themselves and considerably older than us so they’re a bridge between our two generations

So what would you have done? Taken yourself off for some needed alone time, or moaned at your host after the event? The former I expect.

My mum cooked the lunch and got in a stress about it. Then all the adults sat and got drunk (and usually rowed) and us kids were left to our own devices with our new toys

I would have taken myself off but I expect she thought it would be rude to miss the talent show!
I should tell you that post menopause, one's tolerance for kids dries right up. Other people's kids, even more so.

I have an adult DD who is severely learning disabled and is into everything just like a toddler. We invited MIL (78) for Christmas but she declined. Then we offered to visit but she said she can’t cope with my DD. Overall a sad situation.

You can’t offload your children and shouldn’t curtail their fun. All you can do is suggest small adaptations eg rests, walks for children. Sorry you are having to deal with this.

Ha ha.

I think your Christmas sounds lovely, op, and perfectly normal. Sadly by putting all the details online you’ve given licence to everyone on here to slag it off. Worth remembering that a large proportion of MN users find opening the front door when someone knocks to be “too much”.

I wouldn’t change anything at all but I’d talk to your mum about how it can be easier for her next year. Although everything was optional she might have felt that she ought to take part (or wanted to take part then felt too tired afterwards). As she has her own room, maybe put a few things in there to make it more of a retreat- comfy chair, small telly, tea making things? Then she can spend longer upstairs and just come down for the key events like lunch. Make a plan with her about this so that she knows she is free to disappear off.

I think if it's too much for her, she doesn't have to come. She can stay home with some lovely food, watch/stream TV, go for a walk, go to church and enjoy a family video call. Alternatively she can come to you, retreat to her room when it all gets a bit much and be grateful that there is food and company around that she can drop in and out of....

My mum would have been fine with this at 75, but she’s not your mum.

You can always see her on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day next year if she prefers? She could stay in an Airbnb to cut down exposure to small children.

I have about a four hour limit. After that I just want to be on my own for a bit. So you and kids and neighbours all day - yea I’d be mentally exhausted by that! Nothing to do with age or health.

She doesn’t have to come
it’s an invitation not a summons

i would struggle as well but I’d just take myself off for a rest.

Balancing kids and elderly parents is not easy and even without kids accommodating older parents at Christmas is difficult full stop. I love mine dearly and I know I am lucky to have them both still here in their 80s but they are very set in their ways, they like their routines and can't deal with too much noise or "fuss".

Let it go OP, don't beat yourself up or over think it. It sounds like you made a huge effort to accommodate everyone and make it a nice day so well done. Next year, or next time Mum comes to stay, explain what's going to be happening, do your best to accommodate her needs, and allow her to go to her room for a bit or not come at all if that's what she wants.

The simple fact is that you can't please everyone. You did your best.

I am a firm believer that while they’re still little, Christmas is for the kids. If they had a good day, you’ve done your job.

I personally would have explained to my mum that we tried our best but everyone else enjoyed it, and I wouldn’t be changing things much going forwards.

I actually think she sounds ungrateful!

Fair enough in your own home but surely don’t get to dictate to others how to behave in their house!? She’s welcome to leave?