Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

Neither of you are in the wrong and I can see it from both sides. Your Christmas sounded like it was non-stop so I can understand where she’s coming from. It’s a long day… and having to interact with neighbours, watch children and their ‘shows’ plus games is a lot. She probably just wanted to sit in peace and she didn’t get the chance to do that all day.

However, she can’t expect a quiet Christmas when there are children in the house. Do you have another room that she can go and sit in with a tv, cup of tea and some goodies? It sounds like just wants to relax.

Sounds idyllic. I can’t imagine why you don’t try to replicate this instead of all the fun and games nonsense 😂

But if that’s how you feel you don’t impose yourself on a family with small children!

Its one thing to find it overwhelming and exhausting but its on the OP’s mum to manage this, not to expect a young family to exist in an environment like an old people’s home. Its self centred and unrealistic.

Honestly she sounds awful.

Christmas with young children just is quite full on. She can stay at home next year if she doesn't like it.

No way I would be shushing my children in their own home over Christmas because she doesn't like children being children.

Fair enough but I don't think a mum visiting for Xmas is imposing.

Yeah I don’t have great childhood memories of Christmas. Adults getting drunk and being abusive to each other, doors slamming, my mum crying.

Maybe this is the aesthetic I should be going for next year! 🤣

I put you’re being unreasonable because you don’t need to scale it back at all . Your children are young , sounds like a lovely day. Your mum could easily excuse herself after lunch and have some quiet time in her room and rejoin you all if she wanted to. It wasn’t like you were expecting her to do the Hokey Cokey and all the washing up. Your mum is being extremely unreasonable and I would nip it in the bud quickly and say so sorry Christmas Day with the family is too much , you’ll understand next year if she doesn’t want to come .

Maybe your mum could have an hours lie down after lunch. I’m not the best person to ask as I’m 73 in 3 weeks and I hosted 10 friends for Xmas lunch yesterday. I was pretty knackered by the time they left.

So you either don’t go, or you go and then go off to your room/for a walk for a break. You don’t complain about it. What’s OP supposed to do? Get rid of her kids?

She spent the entire morning in her own space and then went to bed early

She got plenty of time to sit in peace!

Next year best she sits in peace all day in her own house

She has a choice as to whether she comes and stays or not. Your day sounded lovely and of course your children opening their toys is a part of the day. It stands to reason it will be a child centric day when you have young children. She came down at 12 so wasn't up early and had the option of going for a rest whenever she wanted.

She actually sounds self centred because the day isn't just about her. I appreciate you don't want to upset her but I'd be telling her she isn't the main character at Christmas and is welcome to take herself upstairs when she is feeling drained however the day is child centred so she should think about that before she joins you again.

Also people in their 70s vary hugely.My SIL/BIL host for 10 people and love it.My Friends DH is bed bound! Both similar ages .

Sounds like my childhood Christmases. My mum nearly had an aneurysm when OH was doing all the cooking and me and DD were just playing/having fun. Apparently it was all wrong.

I've got pnd at the moment and am struggling with the full-on-ness of Christmas. I'm finding even my own 5 yo a drain on my resources. I love them to pieces but the continuous activity and noise just zaps all of my energy. We were at my parents with my siblings and niece yesterday and the noise and the games and everything was all a bit overwhelming. By 1 I was completely done in. My siblings left at 4 and the constant hum from the festivities died down and we did some quiet play with my daughter. I recharged and had a second wind and some lovely time with my parents and immediate family. We came home at 6 and had some lovely time playing for bed time.

Would the children have any time just playing by themselves whilst the adults have half an hour for a cuppa and a mince pie? My grandparents used watch the queens speech and this was a nice opportunity to slow the day down for a few minutes let everyone breath and then go again.

Could there be something physically or mentally going on that isn't enough to be overly symptomatic but makes constant stimulation draining. My dad is partially deaf and he finds continuous noise draining because he has to concentrate harder on what is being said and separating out the noise he wants to hear from the noise he doesn't. He quite often takes out his hearing aids for 15 minutes to have a break.

It sounds a lovely day but maybe in future plan in some pauses in the day. I would also enquire with how she is finding everything at the moment, it might be a case of these something not quite right

To me it sounds a quiet day, with such a small number of people.

But I can see where she might be coming from. Maybe she couldn't mentally relax with the friends there.

Have a chat with her in a few weeks, once she has had plenty of time to recover from yesterday.

But don't dwell on it too much, you had a lovely day. Just understand age hits people differently.

Dont change a thing - if she wants to be a miserable arse then let her. Or maybe ask her if she would like her grandchildren to have the same memories you have of xmas - people getting drunk, her getting stressed, and it being pretty miserable???

Your kids are your priority and it sounds like you did it all perfectly.

What a selfish, ungrateful woman she sounds.

Goodness some replies are so uncaring. She’s allowed to find it too much!

OP I think it’s as simple as asking her what it was that made it too much, and then finding a compromise. It might be that she is getting on in years and feels tired more easily (I am assured this happens….). It might’ve the kids. It might be the neighbours. You don’t know! But don’t haul her over the coals for expressing her needs.

It is probably as simple as giving her permission to step away from the fun for a couple of hours after lunch to recharge, there’s so much expectation around Christmas I don’t think people realise it can be beneficial for some people to have a break - but she might not want to offend you by just going and doing what she wants/needs.

realistically though - if it is the kids and it means curtailing their festive fun you can’t do that can you, so ultimately her choice would be to stay with you or stay at home.

I’m sure there is a compromise - but you’re going to have to ask her!

No it shouldn’t be. Of course she should be welcome.

But the quid pro quo of an open invitation is you have to adapt to the way the host is living.

You don’t get to tell others how to live in their own home. And obviously if there are children in the house you can’t expect them to behave like miniature old people.

The DM sounds very rigid and a bit of a bully.

Do the Christmas your children will love and let your mum know she can take breaks in her room if it’s too much. It sounds as though she didn’t parent the way you and your husband do but that doesn’t mean you have to change.

A full-on day with younger children playing parlour games wouldn't be my preference. But if it were my only choice I'd keep quiet and try to get a break from the action whenever I could. Would your mum have been able to go to her bedroom for a bit without any questions? Just make sure she knows it's an option and nobody will say anything if she disappears at various points.

My mum is 80 and loves other people's noisy little kids. I have just endured them today with gritted teeth.
I am going to be such a terrible grandmum.

I think she sounds ungrateful. She could have at any time said she was going for a lie-down or taken herself to a corner or another room to sit quietly and read or something for a while. Why didn't she? I think she is probably feeling upset with herself at her ageing meaning she can no longer do all the things she used to do and she took it out on you.

I am staying at my parents right now, they are in their mid-80s and they hosted lunch yesterday for us and their friends and their friends' kids, did all the cooking, Dad played Santa at the Christmas tree, we all played Trivial Pursuit and of couse my mother had to win! I went to bed earlier than they did!

I think she just really misses adults only Christmas

But you have had kids for the last 7 Christmases-what did she expect!?

If she doesn't want to spend it with kids and has nowhere else to go to, she will have to stay at home.

Honestly, I can't see what else you can do here.

Haha this has made me chuckle. In truth, I think my own tolerance for chaos is quite low. When my DH had family, 20 people would descend on his grandmother’s house, loads of kids. I hated it. It was so noisy I couldn’t think, there was nowhere to sit and we felt crushed in like sardines.plastic rat everywhere.

Yesterday, yesterday wasn’t really noisy in my house. Our kids are quite chill, as are our friends who are older.

That’s a bit harsh. A few simple adjustments can make sure everyone has a good day. Like I said, no one is in the wrong. OP arranged the day she knew her children would enjoy. Her DM found it all a bit much.

Next year OP can make it clearer that DM can disappear whenever she wants throughout the day. No questions asked. It sounds like DM didn’t feel she could disappear without looking rude. She just needs the green light to go and have some peace and quiet.