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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL on his own over xmas

189 replies

098yyiop · 25/12/2025 07:51

Wondering what people's arrangements usually are regarding adult siblings. We never really celebrated Xmas with Dh's family but MIL passed away and now his brother will be alone over Xmas. Dh is spending it with him this year but going forth what do people do about adult siblings if they have no other family?

BIL was a carer for MIL for many years and has never had a partner or friends.

Not sure whether we should alternate Xms from now on, one with him, one with my family? How much do people care if their brother or sister is on their own over Xmas?

OP posts:
MiddleAgedDread · 25/12/2025 07:53

How much will he care about being on his own? It wouldn’t bother some people but would others.

TooTiredToBeCreative · 25/12/2025 07:53

Could you invite BiL to your family?

Original poster
098yyiop · 25/12/2025 07:55

I really don't think he would like to come to my parents and my parents also wouldn't appreciate that.

OP posts:
mcmuffin22 · 25/12/2025 07:56

Invite him to join in with you is the obvious answer. Unless there are strange dynamics ?

Meadowfinch · 25/12/2025 07:56

When any of my siblings has been single, I've always invited them for Christmas. I'm not offended if they don't take up the offer but make sure they know they are welcome.

I would never allow any of my lot to be by themselves and without an invitation if they didn't want to.

Original poster
098yyiop · 25/12/2025 07:58

So on our case we wouldn't host Xmas but always go to my parents. Neither my parents or BIL would appreciate spending Xmas together. They also don't know each other and last time they saw each other was at our wedding twenty years ago.

OP posts:
Lennonjingles · 25/12/2025 07:59

My Brother comes to us every year, when in laws and parents were alive, it was easier to have them all Christmas Day. We are now down to 3 plus my brother, other son visits his GF’s parents.

Truetoself · 25/12/2025 08:00

@098yyiopyour parents wouldn’t appreciate you being family oriented and considerate and not wanting to leave your BIL alone at Christmas- a time of giving and being together with family?

Bigtreeesss · 25/12/2025 08:01

098yyiop · 25/12/2025 07:58

So on our case we wouldn't host Xmas but always go to my parents. Neither my parents or BIL would appreciate spending Xmas together. They also don't know each other and last time they saw each other was at our wedding twenty years ago.

Spending time together would allow them to get to known each other 🙃

Meadowfinch · 25/12/2025 08:01

But they won't get to know each other if they don't meet.

I'd host and invite everyone. Hopefully they are all good mannered enough to get on for one day.

Share the cooking, play chess or scrabble, go for a long walk. There must be something they can share.

BIossomtoes · 25/12/2025 08:01

Truetoself · 25/12/2025 08:00

@098yyiopyour parents wouldn’t appreciate you being family oriented and considerate and not wanting to leave your BIL alone at Christmas- a time of giving and being together with family?

Weird, isn’t it? I can’t get my head round it.

ExperiencedTeacher · 25/12/2025 08:03

Whatever my dad is doing, my uncle is invited. My step mum and her family know this and he’s always welcome. He usually only goes if dad and SM are hosting but the offer is always there. I’d never see mine or my partner’s siblings unwillingly alone at Christmas.

arethereanyleftatall · 25/12/2025 08:04

I’d host myself and have my family and my BIL to mine, this wouldn’t be a dilemma.

Original poster
098yyiop · 25/12/2025 08:05

Yes, my parents wouldnt appreciate having BIL over. BIL would also feel very uncomfortable. As we never host because our house is too small, it would either be us going to my parents or BIL

OP posts:
Original poster
098yyiop · 25/12/2025 08:06

Yes, my parents wouldnt appreciate having BIL over. BIL would also feel very uncomfortable. As we never host because our house is too small, it would either be us going to my parents or BIL

OP posts:
HAPPILYMARRIEDSINCE2012 · 25/12/2025 08:06

You never celebrated with them at all? And he was the MILs carer and now you can't be bothered to even have him? Now I have heard everything

EBearhug · 25/12/2025 08:06

My sister is on her own. She's looking forward to it.

It depends whether someone is bothered about it or not. I've done Christmas alone before and enjoyed it, but it really bothers some people that I've been alone. (I'm with cousins this year.) I wouldn't really enjoy a Christmas where I knew people had invited me to make them feel better about me not being alone.

GrannyTeapot · 25/12/2025 08:06

Many people do not want Christmas forced gaiety with what can amount to basically strangers, or indeed forced gaiety with anyone.
I am quite happy on my own any day of the year. Maybe the two brothers would like time together, maybe not, just talk.

MCF86 · 25/12/2025 08:07

My aunts BIL has always been invited when they've come to my parents for Xmas. He's a bit odd and not the easiest to make conversation with, but none of us would want him to be alone, and we all still have each other there. The man has spent however many years looking after his mum just to find himself all alone when she's gone. If your family wouldn't extend some Christmas kindness to someone in that situation they are quite mean.

Perfect28 · 25/12/2025 08:07

Why can't you host? You've been married 20 years surely it's time to do your own thing

CuriousKangaroo · 25/12/2025 08:08

I could never let my BiL or any family member be on their own for Christmas Day - unless they expressly wanted that. Since my FiL died, my parents invite my MiL and BiL over every year they are hosting.

Original poster
098yyiop · 25/12/2025 08:09

So we have never done Xmas with Dhs family because MIL was genuinely paranoid and didn't allow anyone other than BIL and Dh in the house. So no I haven't seen them in 12 years despite all living in the same city. Dh would usually go and spend Xmas eve and Boxing day with them while I stay at my parents with the kids.

OP posts:
FrootyCider · 25/12/2025 08:11

If your family for whatever reason are really that antisocial that they wouldn't allow you to bring your BIL (Have you asked?) then I suppose either split the day and see both; or you'll have to see him Boxing day or Christmas eve. Maybe he wouldn't mind the day on his own. I just can't imagine why he's not welcome at your mum's though. You haven't said they fell out, just that they don't know each other.

Wishimaywishimight · 25/12/2025 08:12

098yyiop · 25/12/2025 07:58

So on our case we wouldn't host Xmas but always go to my parents. Neither my parents or BIL would appreciate spending Xmas together. They also don't know each other and last time they saw each other was at our wedding twenty years ago.

I would still make the offer - I couldn't just ignore the fact he may spend the day alone and I don't think very many people would chose to be alone.

CarelessWimper · 25/12/2025 08:13

I would start finding things to do with your in laws and your brother before Christmas next year so hopefully they can get to know each other and won’t find it odd spending time together. Maybe start small and outside of peoples homes