BIL on his own over xmas

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Wondering what people's arrangements usually are regarding adult siblings. We never really celebrated Xmas with Dh's family but MIL passed away and now his brother will be alone over Xmas. Dh is spending it with him this year but going forth what do people do about adult siblings if they have no other family?

BIL was a carer for MIL for many years and has never had a partner or friends.

Not sure whether we should alternate Xms from now on, one with him, one with my family? How much do people care if their brother or sister is on their own over Xmas?

If you’re not going to invite BIL to your Christmas with your parents you should change how you celebrate and start hosting. It’s also incredibly unfair that you are expecting 80 year old parents to host you every year. Christmas isn’t suppose to be perfect it’s meant to be inclusive and sitting on wonky chairs around a table that’s too small, and a wallpapering table. I just think it’s so wrong to leave someone alone on Christmas Day, you should always invite them, then it’s up to them whether the take up the invitation or make their own arrangements.

I think that you're getting a bit of a hard time here OP. Family dynamics are often more complex than can easily be explained on a thread. BIL made his choices - I suspect you may have had repeated and long conversations over the years about his caring for MIL - and that means that things are difficult now and will be going forwards. There is going to be guilt and sadness whatever you decide. As your parents age it may become even more complicated over the next few years. Sympathy to you.

I'd say parents Christmas day, BIL Boxing Day. Makes it fair and he's only alone for one day. I'm assuming you get on with him?

I would think that some years you go to your parents and some years you host bil at your house. If not seeing on Xmas day then see on boxing day or Xmas eve etc. surely it will depend on what you DH and bil want on future. I wouldn't leave him on his own every year unless he wanted it that way.

As someone who has just cooked for the 4th year running at her over 80 year old mums I can say that often older parents are not able to travel or don't want to have to cope away from their home.

But the point is you’re doing the hosting jut at their house. It seems OP is rocking up and her parents are hosting.

Just to clarify, my parents refuse to have Christmas anywhere ither that their house. So my sibling and I go there with our families and buy/cook everything. We don't rock up and expect them to do everything. They refuse to go anywhere else.

I have met BIL a few times over the last twenty years but don't know him well.

I find it odd that you are worrying about your BIL now if you have never alternated Christmas with your DH side of the family. It sounds like their Christmases were a bit low key and lonely anyway.You seem pretty resistant to inviting him over to your parents and haven't suggested leaving your siblings to do Christmas with your parents and spending time with BIL ie alternating from now on. To be fair to you, if the family dynamics on your DH side are long established and the relationship is not that close I'd stop worrying about it. Invite him over another day during the festive period. He's an adult who will have to rethink his life without his mother as a whole and if your description of him as an isolated bachelor is accurate he's got a lot more than Christmas Day to sort out. If anyone should be taking a real interest in him now it should be your DH - don't fall into the 'wifely' trap of feeling responsible for everyone!

Could BiL stay in a hotel/BnB nearby? He might have the best of both worlds then; celebrate in the midst of your family but also have a quiet place to lay his head/have some space.

But Xmas is just one day of the year. IMHO he needs some type of 'interaction/support' the year through until he finds his feet again and creates a new life for himself. Is that not worth a little effort on your and DH's part after all he's done for DH's mother?

But you seem to have answers and reasons for why you 'can't or 'don't need to' make an effort to help him or even just encourage him. I hate to trot out this old saw but just remember 'this may be you or DH one day'. A little unselfishness today may pay off 10 fold somewhere down the line.

Dh and I really do care about BIL and Dh is staying with him indefinitely to sort stuff out and help him back on track while I look after the kids. We do care.

Remember Christmas Day is just one day out of a year and you can spend time with other people that's just as worthwhile and meaningful on other days. I wouldn't fixate too much on Christmas but on spending time with BIL in general as he transitions to this new phase of his life.

Ideally yes I would blend. But we can’t because we have two sets of elderly parents. So we alternate. We see both of them over Christmas at some point.

I think it is strange that you don’t all travel to him over Christmas at some point. It’s sounds like a difficult situation. I think it’s hard for us here to get our head around.

Well at least this year he will have DH with him. But I want understand why your parents won't invite him. A chance to get to know him. Otherwise your DH will have to split his time between his brother and you and your family. The poor BIL would probably love to spend the day with you all. The more posts I read on Mumset,the more I realise how the behaviour of some families,is light years away from my family.

This post is an example of something I was talking about on another thread

The word 'no', is just not accepted

No is a complete sentence apparently but then you get people pestering to go around the no. No one has to justify their decision I wouldnt have thought, certainly not very eldery people who clearly find interaction difficult and change difficult

its fairly obvious why they wont invite him, they dont want to, they dont want to get to know him, they cant cope with the extra person, they cant cope with meeting someone new and all that that entails.