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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL on his own over xmas

189 replies

098yyiop · 25/12/2025 07:51

Wondering what people's arrangements usually are regarding adult siblings. We never really celebrated Xmas with Dh's family but MIL passed away and now his brother will be alone over Xmas. Dh is spending it with him this year but going forth what do people do about adult siblings if they have no other family?

BIL was a carer for MIL for many years and has never had a partner or friends.

Not sure whether we should alternate Xms from now on, one with him, one with my family? How much do people care if their brother or sister is on their own over Xmas?

OP posts:
Daysgo · 25/12/2025 08:37

Maybe your own parents might benefit from not having to cook for very adult children at this stage op.

Bigearringsbigsmile · 25/12/2025 08:37

I would 100% invite him.
He is family and there is always room at v the table for family.

Families weave and interconnect or should anyway imo. I couldn't sit and celebrate knowing my bil was alone.and bereaved.

Waterbaby41 · 25/12/2025 08:39

What a sad post. How mean that your parents haven't even considered inviting BIL, how mean you haven't even spoken to them about the possibility of inviting him. Do any of you not understand the true meaning of Christmas? Grow up, do better next year.

DinoLil · 25/12/2025 08:39

I'm on my own. I don't think my family give two hoots tbh.

Could you pop in to see him teatime, maybe?

Original poster
098yyiop · 25/12/2025 08:41

To clarify - Dh is with BIL this year so he isn't on his own. My parents wouldnt come to ours even if we hosted. They are too old and too set in their ways. I am now allowed to cook in their house but they wouldn't come.

OP posts:
Patchouli17 · 25/12/2025 08:41

098yyiop · 25/12/2025 08:09

So we have never done Xmas with Dhs family because MIL was genuinely paranoid and didn't allow anyone other than BIL and Dh in the house. So no I haven't seen them in 12 years despite all living in the same city. Dh would usually go and spend Xmas eve and Boxing day with them while I stay at my parents with the kids.

Edited

Then carry on doing that. DH goes to BIL, you go to parents. If it worked in the past, why not now.

MaggieFS · 25/12/2025 08:42

We switched it so that we did the hosting for everyone. But with hindsight I wish we’d done a bit of alternating.

HoskinsChoice · 25/12/2025 08:42

098yyiop · 25/12/2025 08:06

Yes, my parents wouldnt appreciate having BIL over. BIL would also feel very uncomfortable. As we never host because our house is too small, it would either be us going to my parents or BIL

Edited

How do you know? They don't know each other! What you're saying is YOU don't want him there and you're looking for validation.

To answer your question, I would never leave a family member on their own at Christmas. He might say no but you should at least offer to include him in your plans otherwise. It would be pretty cruel to not at least offer. It's his choice to say no.

firstofallimadelight · 25/12/2025 08:42

My sis is also alone we do every Xmas day at home and she comes to us. We go to my in-laws Boxing Day . I wouldn’t see here her alone. My eldest dd has her own house next year she wants to host and Dsis will be coming.

HereforonedayonlytoavoidStrangerThingsspoilers · 25/12/2025 08:42

098yyiop · 25/12/2025 08:05

Yes, my parents wouldnt appreciate having BIL over. BIL would also feel very uncomfortable. As we never host because our house is too small, it would either be us going to my parents or BIL

Edited

Stay at home, invite BIL to yours and let your parents do their own thing. It sounds like they had more Xmases with you than your DH’s family.

Original poster
098yyiop · 25/12/2025 08:45

I would be very happy for BIL to come to ours but my kids love seeing their grandparents and cousins on Xmas day. My parents are old and probably ND, they can't cope with change or people either.

OP posts:
Talkingtomyhouseplants · 25/12/2025 08:50

Your parents are the problem here. You need to lay out what you will be doing and why.

eg. We will be having Christmas at our house this year - BIL would otherwise be on his own and we don’t expect you to host him. We would love it if you could join us.

And then it is up to them - but it sounds as though you haven’t even asked them!

Coconutter24 · 25/12/2025 08:53

098yyiop · 25/12/2025 08:06

Yes, my parents wouldnt appreciate having BIL over. BIL would also feel very uncomfortable. As we never host because our house is too small, it would either be us going to my parents or BIL

Edited

You can’t have 1 extra person for dinner?

1apenny2apenny · 25/12/2025 08:55

So many assumptions on this thread, mainly that the OP and her parents are mean and not normal and the BIL is a saint who had nursed his own mother ‘til she died. We know nothing about the family dynamics, any neurodiversity (although OP had said her parents are). Some people, especially elderly people, don’t want people they don’t know in their houses.

It always seem to be expected on MN that the woman steps up and hosts everyone or organises everything. These people who are on their own maybe so because they want to be, there’s been family fallout or they themselves don’t ever bother abs expect to be looked after and considered.

If people want to spend Christmas on their own let them, the season of good will works both ways.

Wishmyhousewasbigger · 25/12/2025 08:58

FFS, how old are your parents? We’re old and would be perfectly happy to add another to the mix. Goodwill to all men seems to be lacking here.

MySweetGeorgina · 25/12/2025 08:58

Gosh it sounds like you and your parents are very set in their way and inflexible, which some people are, but sometimes you have to rock the boat a little bit

your poor BIL probably actually deserves to be made a fuss of a bit.

how old are your parents?

ShesTheAlbatross · 25/12/2025 08:59

098yyiop · 25/12/2025 08:09

So we have never done Xmas with Dhs family because MIL was genuinely paranoid and didn't allow anyone other than BIL and Dh in the house. So no I haven't seen them in 12 years despite all living in the same city. Dh would usually go and spend Xmas eve and Boxing day with them while I stay at my parents with the kids.

Edited

Jesus so for years he was her carer and she was too paranoid to let anyone else help him or even in the house? Probably severely affecting any other relationships (friendships or romantic) he may have wanted. And definitely taking a significant amount of pressure off your DH and therefore you. And your parents wouldn’t appreciate you inviting him for a Christmas lunch?

runningonberocca · 25/12/2025 08:59

My brother is coming to us today as he has every year if he’s not travelling. Just feels really weird to leave a sibling on their own unless a) they want to be alone or b) there’s a huge backstory
Feel sorry for your BIL - he’s been his mothers main carer for years, she’s died which is going to make this Christmas particularly hard for him and no one wants to invite him for a nice meal and yo spend Christmas together. Can’t believe that your parents “ wont appreciate “ having BIL there. It’s not exactly encompassing the spirit of Christmas is it! Never ceases to amaze me how selfish people can be . ( unless you’re going to drip feed that he’s a violent drunk or something)

LakieLady · 25/12/2025 09:03

GrannyTeapot · 25/12/2025 08:06

Many people do not want Christmas forced gaiety with what can amount to basically strangers, or indeed forced gaiety with anyone.
I am quite happy on my own any day of the year. Maybe the two brothers would like time together, maybe not, just talk.

Same here.

Being on my own at Christmas is infinitely preferable to spending the day at MIL's, where there can be 14 people (including 2 toddlers) crammed into a small, cramped and overheated house, and eating shite food because MIL is an appalling cook. And it's a near 40 mile drive on rural unlit roads, so no alcohol involved and a horrid drive home.

It also makes me sad, as it reminds me how much I miss my late DP.

Burntt · 25/12/2025 09:05

I had a great aunt who came to Christmas for many years. She was my mother’s aunt who just did Christmas wherever my mother was even if that meant the wrong side of the family. So I’d just automatically invite BIL to be with you wherever that is.

ThankYouNigel · 25/12/2025 09:05

I would 100% offer an open invite to either of my siblings, or my husband’s, for both Christmas Day and Boxing Day should any be on their own in the future.

purpleygrey · 25/12/2025 09:06

098yyiop · 25/12/2025 07:58

So on our case we wouldn't host Xmas but always go to my parents. Neither my parents or BIL would appreciate spending Xmas together. They also don't know each other and last time they saw each other was at our wedding twenty years ago.

Honestly that’s really mean. I couldn’t imagine my mum and dad not inviting him in this circumstance.

IsItSnowing · 25/12/2025 09:06

It sounds like you have an excuse for any solution apart from leaving your BIL on his own.

Normally, I'd say do what you like about who to invite but I do think the fact your BIL has been a carer for your MIL for so long makes this different.

He's already stepped up and done his bit for family. Now he's on his own. Sadly, that's often the case for long term carers who put their own lives on hold. It's your DH's turn to step up for his family now and make sure his brother isn't alone at Xmas.

If your parents are really that set in their ways that they wouldn't welcome BIL in this situation that's rather sad. It doesn't sound like you've asked them though so I wonder if this is as much about you not wanting change as them.

Instead of considering how much your BIL might inconvenience everyone else in your family think about how much his life has been changed by being MIL's carer. That could have been your DH. Time for him to do his bit and you need to support that, not make excuses to avoid it.

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 25/12/2025 09:07

Start a new tradition of having BIL every Christmas and going to your parents on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. If they object, tell them the only alternative is for them to come to you on Christmas Day.

fouroclockrock · 25/12/2025 09:08

There’s an awful lot of insular people in this country!

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