BIL on his own over xmas

[098yyiop]

Wondering what people's arrangements usually are regarding adult siblings. We never really celebrated Xmas with Dh's family but MIL passed away and now his brother will be alone over Xmas. Dh is spending it with him this year but going forth what do people do about adult siblings if they have no other family?

BIL was a carer for MIL for many years and has never had a partner or friends.

Not sure whether we should alternate Xms from now on, one with him, one with my family? How much do people care if their brother or sister is on their own over Xmas?

You're getting a lot of grief here OP. As someone with plenty of weird relatives and a dementia-ridden mother living far away, I understand that no, sometimes goodwill isn't enough to bring everyone together in harmony. We've split our family any number of ways to give in-laws living in different countries their dues at Xmas...

I think it's decent of you to look for solutions for future years. And Merry Christmas!

I really don't think he would like to come to my parents and my parents also wouldn't appreciate that

How odd. What would one extra person matter esp given the circumstances?

I don't think BIL wants to come to my parents. He finds it weird enough on occasion meeting me. It's not his fault but his family were always very insular growing up and the years of it being just MIL and him seeing no one else has taken a toll. My question qas do most people alternate or do different days...but I guess not and seems that most people blend.

You have received some really unreasonable and very fixed idea responses here OP

Lots of families alternate for exactly these sorts of reasons

You also havent set out what he would want, does he want to be with people at Christmas ? Are there local charities and food kitchens he could go to at Christmas?

My question qas do most people alternate or do different days...but I guess not and seems that most people blend

No, I think most people alternate BUT that’s based on numbers. So if, say 20 people each side, alternating is much more manageable than blending 40 especially for space purposes. However, if talking about one solitary person, it would not be typical to alternate and as long be takes up virtually no space, it would then be normal to blend.

Your DH should spend Christmas with his brother every year. He should not waste his time on his self-centred ILs.

I think the issue here is to ask him

But what happens if neither side wants it? BIL has never wanted to interact with my side of the family or any other family really bar immediate one. My parents the same. But I still feel guilty if either side gets left on their own.

Whilst Dh usually does Xmas day with me and the kids and my family - well last three anyway. He wouldn't want to spend every Xmas with just his brother either. He would miss the kids.

How would that work? OP says he has no friends, and his only family appears to be his DB.

Bit weird. You feel how you feel. Are you looking for validation or justification not to care?

Sounds like your husband has it in hand though. :)

You didn't see them for 12 years? Have you ever invited them to your house, not necessarily for Xmas but just for a Sunday afternoon or an evening? Did your DC ever meet them.

So you've got 1. Elderly parents who don't want to go anywhere or invite anyone they don't know. But they are the ones with the actual space to host. 2. BIL who sacrificed his life to care for mum and is now bereaved and probably reclusive. And 3. Yourselves who want everyone to be happy but don't have the space to host and besides in all probability none of them actually want to go somewhere unfamiliar anyway.
If that's right @098yyiop you can literally only do your best in very difficult circumstances. Honestly I think the thing to focus on is not what you're going to be doing next Xmas but BIL's mental health going forward, because this is going to be very hard for him. You're certainly right to be concerned but equally you can't work miracles when someone is the way they are.
I hope you all get through this Xmas unscathed and that BIL finds some hope and enthusiasm for life after his mother's death, but realistically he might find things very hard and you need to consider how you're going to respond to this, for instance encouraging him to visit the GP if he seems depressed and even suggesting bereavement counselling, although I suspect he'll be massively resistant to that idea.
Best of luck and just remember you cannot be all things to all people, no matter how much you care about them.

How sad. I wouldn't think much of my parents if they couldn't find a seat at the table for someone who'd otherwise be alone.

My SIL is single, and comes to me (and my husband) every year. I wouldn't think to not invite her.

If he won’t take up an invitation, then he will have to be alone. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I would gladly invite people anytime I’m hosting. And it’s kind to make space at the table at your parents, but obviously that has to be your parents’ call. But I’m not changing my plans around to avoid someone being on their own. He needs to create a support network for himself, partner, friends, extended family, go volunteer, go to a community meal. If you don’t have a partner and children, you have to be resourceful.

Honestly?

I'd prioritize BIl over your parents. He cared for your inlaws until they died. He's now on his own, partially as a result of that no doubt. If your extended family is that unwelcoming to include him as part of your extended family, then extend an invitation to have him at yours for the holidays going forward

We would invite him to be with us wherever we were going - no one I would ever spend christmas with would begrudge an extra persona at the table if they would otherwise be alone.

This really. If they don’t know each other, now’s the time to get better acquainted. Your parents would really expect you to leave your BIL home alone rather than invite him to yours? Surely not?

I think you can get away with this year as it’s the first year since their mother died, but going forward you need to change it up for a number of reasons
its sad to leave BIL alone, especially since he may have sacrificed his own social connections to care for their mother with MH issues
your DH never gets to spend Xmas Day with his own children?
as the children get older they’re not going to want to spend the entire time at their grandparents

id put it aside this year but start looking at the how-to and start dropping hints to your parents on 1 Sept next year.

A very sensible answer!

families are complex, we have to try our best in difficult situations and manage different personalities.

In my own family, my mother is very welcoming but I know my siblings aren’t very sociable so would struggle with someone they didn’t know very well. That doesn’t make them bad people it’s just who they are. Plus my family’s idea of Christmas is a turkey roast dinner and a mince pie and then back to normal. No booze, no extra food, no singing, dancing, board games. Quite boring actually 😂

I also don’t agree that your mum and dad need to get to know your brother in law just so he can spend Christmas with you. My mum wouldn’t know my brother in law from Adam!

Absolutely this. Shocking.

@098yyiop

Since you recognize that BiL put his own life on hold and it's been irrevocably changed by caring for your MiL, perhaps now that she's gone you and your DH might try over the coming year to 'integrate' him a bit more into your lives and possibly introduce him to your parents. Perhaps by the end of the year you would all be comfortable with him coming to your parents for Xmas 2026. What can it hurt to try? The worst that can happen is that things continue as they are. Of course, he may want to continue with what appears to be sort of a solitary lifestyle, but I'd certainly want him to 'blossom' now that the caring days are over.

You do realize that he saved you and your DH a lot of trouble by taking over the care of MiL, don't you? My DB was our mother's carer and I am eternally grateful to him for what he did until her dementia progressed to where it was necessary to place her in a home. You said you and DH told DB you'd find a care home for his mum, but caring doesn't stop when a beloved family member enters a care home. There are visits to do to keep them happy and also to 'keep an eye on things'. Errands to run and finances to watch. You can't just put them in a home and walk away.

OP I’d like to think that things will look quite different next Christmas. Clearly your MIL was rather strange, and didn’t want anyone other that her 2 sons in the house. However, now she isn’t around any more, presumably you may get to know your BIL better. He also may develop more of a social life, now he’s no longer caring for his Mum, and may even have a partner of his own next year (apologies if I’ve missed something that suggests this would never happen).

So much for accpting people for who they are these days, their real selves

OP's parents arent terrible horrible people, they would struggle with someone they didnt know and so would the brother in law. The solution is not as straight forward as making the parents invite him (and what right has anyone got anyway to make someone invite someone to someone elses house) or for him to be forced into someone elses house who he doesnt know Im guessing that would be hard for him

OP, you've had a lot of strange answers on this thread IMO.

Lots of people are quite happy to be alone for Christmas - despite what social media and MN will tell you. There's also nothing wrong with not wanting to host people you barely know, even if they happen to be related to you.

In your shoes I would alternate (one year with your family, one year with DB) if DB even wants that.