BIL on his own over xmas

[098yyiop]

Wondering what people's arrangements usually are regarding adult siblings. We never really celebrated Xmas with Dh's family but MIL passed away and now his brother will be alone over Xmas. Dh is spending it with him this year but going forth what do people do about adult siblings if they have no other family?

BIL was a carer for MIL for many years and has never had a partner or friends.

Not sure whether we should alternate Xms from now on, one with him, one with my family? How much do people care if their brother or sister is on their own over Xmas?

So I do appreciate my BIL's sacrifice but we were also utterly against it. BIL is younger than us and over the last 20 years I also told him to move out and get his own place. We really tried to convince him to move MIL into a home esp. as she was getting sicker and no longer got out of bed or recognised anyone. And I am pretty concerned about him now.......but again what to do about is is hard.

I think many people do not understand the type of dynamics that occur with people like OPs brother in law

While on the outside it might appear that he toiled away altruistically caring for the mother, left to it by uncaring OP and OP's husband who were quite happy for someone else to do the grunt work, what actually often happens is that someone who finds it hard to function in the wider world see that by providing the caring role means they dont have to face up to having a job or friends or other interests. It becomes their life and serves a purpose. That doesnt mean they dont want the best for the parent they're caring for but also meets their own needs to limit their own life too.

Then the parent dies and the next phase of life is very hard, what is the next phase for someone like that. And now OP and her husband being accused of saving 1500 quid a week, not giving a shit, letting him do all the work. Seems very different to that to me.

Quite right and as it should be.

Do? You ask him if there's anything you can do to help him start a different life. I don't mean financially or having him move in with you or anything like that. I'm talking about getting him out of the house or suggesting/encouraging activities he might like to get involved with.

I was lucky that my DB didn't become 'all absorbed' in Mum's care. I did respite for him regularly and he had friends he 'kept up with' and activities he enjoyed. But he did have quite a few 'empty hours' to fill, especially after Mum died, so I did try to speak to him more frequently than before and invited him over for lunch more often.

So BIL does have a full time job but no friends or family. Sadly he doesn't usually listen to us - Dh does take him away on holidays and give him respite. I think by now he himself doesn't know what he needs.

Erm he does have family - he has you! Just because he chose to care for his mother and not do what you told him doesn't meant he was wrong. We each have to forge our own path.

I meant he doesn't and has never had a partner or kids. Yes, he has us but that's not enough.

How far away are you parents (I don't think you've said?) - mine are 8 hours away, so inviting someone else to Christmas, or anything else would mean some really interesting logistics; hopefully the distances for you are less? And how long do you see you parents for during a 'typical' Christmas (hours? days? weeks?), Just wondering if there's any way to include everyone on Christmas day, but maybe not all together

We have to come to my parents from 24th to 26th - it would be the same for BIl if he came. But whilst they have a bigger places than us - it's ten of us in total they already need to accommodate.

Ah, that does make it more complex (e.g. BIL can't pop in for coffee in the morning) - he could stay in a hotel if enough beds was the main issue, but I'm not sure that's the answer here

Why is your MIL's body still in the house? How long ago did she die?

It's not there anymore but when we planned what Dh was doing, we had no idea about timelines

Most people do what suits their situation best, there's no one-size-fits-all rule about this. Your family has a complicated situation and several very rigid personalities so you're just going to have to communicate with everyone properly. I agree with PP that helping your BIL find his feet in life again is more important than what your specific Xmas plans next year will be.

If your parents and your BIL still can't countenance spending Xmas with each other next year then obviously you will have to pick one or the other, or you and your husband spend the day apart again.

Who looked after MIL when your DH took your BIL on holidays? Or was this in years gone by when MIL was able to fend for herself?

I hope your children had a fun Christmas and that it was not too traumatic for your DH and your BIL to spend it in the house with MIL's body still there.

I'm usually on my own at Christmas and don't have a problem with it. I was invited to a restaurant with a friend and her family yesterday.

My sister has always spent Christmas with her own little family and has never even asked me what my plans are.

Agree. Unless BIL is an absolute psychopath, I’m astounded they your family haven’t already realised he’s alone and invited him. I’d be so disappointed if my family behaved like this at Christmas!

Many of us don't have the sort of families that would be comfortable hosting strangers on Christmas day. It's no good talking about how wonderful it is to do so because the OP clearly doesn't have that sort of family and posting here isn't going to change that.

OP I think longer term it might be worth hosting some Christmases yourself so you have different options.

I see from your comments that the solutions of everyone being together in one location wouldn’t work for your circumstances but that’s what we do. My aunt, my parents, my mil, an neighbour and any other random people that happen to need company at Xmas and or new year. All in one place. All chip in something. Sorted. Sounds like you will have to get creative, spend Xmas apart from your DH or accept bil will be alone. There are Salvation Army and other charities if needed.

We include my adult BiL in whatever plans we have - this year was with my family - he has learning disabilities and doesn’t drive so that makes a difference.

My DB spends it alone (it is also his birthday), and has always been fine with that. His local pub is open so he goes there, and he works in the evening so can't really travel anywhere anyway.

If BIL on his own, I would 100% invite him to my family Christmas. Think it’s harsh of your parents not being happy with him being invited. We have my MIL (a widow) at my family/parents every year and it works perfectly.
(I appreciate if there’s reasons a person shouldn’t be invited ie if they’re abusive etc/)

Us too! My husband has a single sibling and he is with us every year at Christmas. Even if we have my family… in fact my parents would be horrified if ee left him out as they know their parents are deceased. Dogs are usually invited too! (I know not the done thing on mumsnet)

If you can’t host everyone, why not tell your parents that this year you’re doing Xmas with BIL (if he wants to) at yours, and you’ll see your parents on Boxing Day. Do you HAVE to go to/see your parents for Christmas Day every year?

For me this would be a non-issue as I would just include him in whatever we were doing since he is just one more person but I’ve always blended our families at Christmas, I’m very much ‘the more the merrier’ and couldn’t leave any family member alone. He sounds like he’s given up a big chunk of his life being a carer, I would feel mean leaving him alone.

Afyer DF died, My DB always invited me, both before and after my DP died.

I feel bad bc we don't invite my SiL (DB passed about 5 years ago), as we spend time with Dhs family, who live far from us and we always travel.

Complicated though bc DHs family are being AH currently and I'd rather bin them off but is MILs first solo Christmas so I've gone along with it.

Depends how you feel about BiL and what relationship you value I guess. I like my DBs wife SiL but she's not comfortable with me.
On the other hand my sil DHs sis, is Ok with me but has been AH lately. So no fixed rules here.