BIL on his own over xmas

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Wondering what people's arrangements usually are regarding adult siblings. We never really celebrated Xmas with Dh's family but MIL passed away and now his brother will be alone over Xmas. Dh is spending it with him this year but going forth what do people do about adult siblings if they have no other family?

BIL was a carer for MIL for many years and has never had a partner or friends.

Not sure whether we should alternate Xms from now on, one with him, one with my family? How much do people care if their brother or sister is on their own over Xmas?

We have fil over just for lunch every year since MIL died as he's tricky and has a long drive. He's fit, well and very active in his late 70s (has an active social life, still rides a motorbike, goes on six or seven holidays each year...) and doesn't bother with us all year (forgets the kids' and his own son's birthdays - MIL used to be the one to do all that evidently) but his friends are all with their families at Christmas and cynically I get the impression he needs a family photo to show them that he can also tick the box of having family/ grandchildren...

I just don't think my parents would offer.

So, BiL has done all the caring duties for DMiL, thereby relieving DH (& you) of any. This has probably impacted him from having relationships of his own. & then you spend the last 20yrs with your parents on Christmas Day…. Unless there’s some massive backstory drip feed - I’m judging you.

WWJD…

We have a very relaxed vibe for Christmas Day, anyone who's on their own joins us. We have in-laws of in-laws, single brothers, a neighbour. Surely your parents would understand he'd be on his own if he doesn't join you?

, what is the harm in him joining you or are there issues?

I find that so odd, you've never spent Christmas with your in-laws until now.

I think it's time for your two families to get to know each other, your BIL has sacrificed a lot for his Mum and your husband

I was about to type a similar message. And OP’s parents in law ‘wouldn’t appreciate’ him being there… wtf does that even mean? Sounds like BIL dedicated his life to caring for his parents and now is getting tossed aside as an inconvenience.

I would offer to have him next year & see if he accepts & ask your family to yours also

Alternate or go spend time with him or invite him over to uours on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.

In my immediate family we could bring back any friend or in law who would otherwise be alone at Christmas, there may be the odd- where we gonna put em ? But we would.
I can see they were perhaps a bit unusual, but I would be doing Christmas at my home in this circumstance if he wanted to be with us.

Have you talked to them about it?

It's a bit late now unless you all live in the same area though.

He might prefer it though, you don’t know.

I’ve had the past 2 Christmases alone with my cat for various reasons & been perfectly happy with that.

I know I always have the option of going to my brother’s family up north, but since I don’t drive I’d have to be there from Christmas Eve to the 27th & they’d have to provide veggie options just for me. And I’d be stuck sleeping on a sofa, so no downtime.

Much nicer to stay at home, get some nice food in & go to the local Midnight Mass as far as I’m concerned.

I would ask them.

Christmasses don’t have to stay static.

Your parents and your BIL could get to know each other, none of them have 2 heads(?), it’s only a day.

We have family responsibilities, these sometimes change, they sometimes push our comfort zone.

You’ve got a year to sort this out for 2026. I’d suggest you get your parents and BIL better acquainted (can you host a little event for your DH’s birthday for example?) so that you can all go to your parents, or you all go out for Xmas lunch. Frankly I think your parents need to step up and accept that your BIL is part of the family package now. You absolutely can’t abandon the guy, unless of course he wants to be left alone (over to your DH to find out)

Agree with you there!

That’s awful.
Clearly the ‘Glad Tidings and Goodwill to all Men ‘ has bypassed your parents.

I could no sooner leave my BIL -who cared for my MIL for many years and who consequently has no friends/wife/girlfriend -alone at Christmas than I could my own brother.
I wouldn’t give a damn that my house is ‘too small’. I would do a buffet so people can sit on the sofas. I had a 900sqft modern two up/two down and regularly hosted for 10-12. Gran in a wheelchair, buffet, younger people sat on floor. No big deal.

Your husband is missing out on being with his own kids because your parents are selfish - that’s the top and bottom of this I’m afraid. Shocking,

In my immediate family we could bring back any friend or in law who would otherwise be alone at Christmas

Same here. We had a guest last Christmas who would have been on her own, and we have a different one this year. Both would be welcome anyway because they are good company.

How small is your house?

If he is just the one person and DH is close with his brother I would see him every year and do both families at the same time.

In my immediate family we could bring back any friend or in law who would otherwise be alone at Christmas, there may be the odd- where we gonna put em ? But we would.

yup. I’ve been divorced for 6 years and every single year at least one friend/neighbour/person I barely know! Has invited me to join their family for Christmas. As it happens, I’m happy with my girls but I think people assume me and my ex alternate, but we’re friends so he comes to mine too.

Sorry I have read your updates now - your parents sound extremely mean!

MIL and FIL were invited to my parents this year as would otherwise be just the two of them. As it happens they are hosting a friend now who would otherwise be on their own so not coming but you don’t leave anyone out at Christmas!

Clearly the Christmas spirit hasn’t reached your parents

I live on my own and got over it by always hosting - especially for those in the family who are also alone - elderly and disabled. If I didn’t do this nobody would even check in with me. I have a sister who I thought I had a close relationship but found out she despises me.

Like your BIL I too was a carer for my mother and various other family members. Caring is rewarding but you lose so much when you do it. The worst thing is being take for granted by others who treat you like sh1t because the carer role is so looked down upon.

I am moved by your kindness to your BIL, Op.

If BIL has been the career has he taken the pressure off your husband and possibly put his own life on hold? I woukd see how he feels? I would speak.to him and then your parents. If he doesn't want to be alone then surely yiu can.ask if he can go there alternate years?